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Ivan stood at the edge of the rooftop, silently taking in the view. The icy wind dug into his skin, resulting in streaks of pink to be sprawled across his face. He watched as The stars danced in the night sky. The streetlights shined— with their proud iridescent glow as they do every night. He watched as cars carelessly passed each other from below. he didn’t understand how everything could look so..beautiful, tonight. Why weren’t the stars falling out of the sky to cut his skin? Why weren’t the apartments around him crumbling to the ground? How can the world move on without him as he is left behind—destroyed body and soul. forced to swim in the shattered echos of his lost dreams. He failed his father. He couldn’t die as a hero—to make up for all the times he failed him. To prove to him that he could be worthy of his respect. He gave up everything for a legacy. Yet, he still failed.
There was no going back now. Ivan already made up his mind when he went to Andrew’s apartment for the last time. Even though Ivan knew Andrew told him to not go looking for him—he still needed to say goodbye. He knocked on the door, and slipped the envelope through the crack—before driving away.
In the letter, He wrote how he was sorry for everything. How Andrew was the best thing that ever happened to him. How he wasn’t looking for forgiveness. How this was the last time he’d ever hear from him again. He wrote how he finally accepted that he didn’t deserve to get the legacy he dreamed of. Instead, he decided tonight he would learn what it’s like to fly. He was gonna finally grow wings and be as free as a bird. Tonight he would fly away from all the pressure he was under to live up to his father’s expectations. Tonight He would fly away from all the voices in his head which led him to say all of those terrible things. Tonight he would fly away from everything he hated himself for by ruining what he had with the only person who loved him. Tonight he would jump off the roof of his apartment complex and fly with the shattered pieces of his soul. that was the only way he could ever really be a star.
Thinking back, he realized just how corny Everything he wrote was. He couldn’t even be Original in his own suicide note, could he? Not that it matters much now. Ivan looked down to his watch. The time read 10:05. there was neither anything ahead of him nor behind. There was only one way to go. He backed away from the ledge to the opposite end to run. he dropped his cap to the ground, and shook the volume back into his raven black hair. His hammering heart allowed him to be aware to every second that passed. Adrenaline pumped through every inch of his core, allowing him to feel alive for one last time. Then he ran with everything he had left in his body. As his legs carried him closer to the ledge, all he could see was Andrew and his bubblegum pink tank top. He saw the way he laughed. His warm smile. The way he used to look at him before he fucked everything up due to his own selfishness. Andrew didn’t even have to try in order to be the Sun—and a part of him was jealous because all his life he worked as hard as he could to be a star. But the chill that followed with the loss of warmth helped him realize just how useless a star is on its own anyway. the only time people really notice them by themselves is when they Shoot through the sky. So with the warm memory of the love he once had, he shut his eyes and finally leaped into the night.
Just as he could feel the flutter of his organs from the thousand feet drop-and the goosebumps beginning to form on his arms and legs—He felt a tight grip around his waist as he was hoisted back up onto the roof top. Ivan’s eyes shot open—as he sprang up from the ground. His gaze darted around to see if this is another one of his episodes. then his stare was met with a bubble gum pink tank top and green pants. Andrew’s eyes were empty—his expression devoid of any kind of emotion as he dully stared back at Ivan. As if, being here was nothing else but a burden. In that moment, Andrew threw a dagger into his chest as hard as he could. When pulled it back out, it ripped his heart out of his body— in the process leaving a hole where it once was. He felt as the Blood dripped out of his wound and trickled along his side and onto the ground. The red river began to seep into Andrew’s shoes—but he pretended as though he didn’t see it.
In This moment Ivan came to the realization that he deserved this. Every. Single. Second. The only thing that led him to this moment was the consequences of HIS actions. He was The only person who he can blame. so even though every part of him ached and oozed in that minute, for the first time he didn’t play the victim, because if anything he IS he problem. This was likely the last time he’d see his best friends face. After everything he’s done—the least Andrew deserved was an apology. A sincere one. Ivan wiped the tears from his eyes as he was about to plug up the bleeding with his finger, but there ended up being no hole after all.
“I….Im not okay. For so long i couldn’t admit that to myself, because The thought scared me. And I didn’t know how to ask for help. I’m losing my mind— I don’t even know what’s real anymore, Andrew. I don’t even know if your real. But if you are…I-I’m sorry. For everything.”
He didn’t force Andrew to respond, giving him the option to leave. He simply just walked onto the edge of the rooftop once more. This time, instead of trying to become a star—he simply just sat down and looked at the view. After a long moment, Ivan heard slow footsteps from behind him—before he felt someone reluctantly sit down. At first, andrew didn’t say anything. There was at prominate distance between the two. He refused to even look in Ivan’s direction. Instead, he focused his gaze at the passing cars and the remaining Christmas lights people have yet to take down. His expression was devoid of emotion, his eyes sharp and his mouth stitched into a frown. Perhaps deep in thought.
After what felt like Enterity of deadly silence, he hesitantly pulled out a few different brochures from his pocket, and sat them down on his lap. “You probably don’t know about this because it was before I met you but, I had to go to a pysch ward in high school. I reached a very low point of my life, and I didn’t have anyone to hand me a brochure. This is probably stupid..but ever since I got out, I made a vow to always keep them on me. just in case I ever find someone who is struggling and doesn’t have anyone to go to...” he trailed off a moment, before he held one out to him.
”I thought maybe…I could help you pick out one that you like the most, and we can find out how to get you admissioned.”
Andrew glance flickered to The stars.
“if you really want to get better, I can stay over for the next couple days—get you admitted to a good mental hospital, make sure you eat and drink water. And I’ll visit you once a week. Im might not let you burn me anymore—but that doesn’t mean I’ll throw water over your head.”
His fist began to clench around the paper as he continued.
“I don’t forgive you. You manipulated me and used me for your own benefit and I hate you for what you did to me. But…I can’t let you do that. Because before all that shit happened between us, you always had my back. Ever since we met when I was a senior and your were a junior in Highschool—we were there for each other.” A grin formed on Andrew face as he went on.
“Hell—I remember this one time in my senior year— I called you at 1am on a Sunday, sobbing my brains out. Fucking Snot and drool Everywhere; my face, my bedsheets, my clothes—it was disgusting!” A light laugh escaped from Ivan’s throat, as Andrew scooted a bit closer. “And Even though it was the middle of the night and we had school the next day, you still answered on the Third ring. You listened to me as I told you through sobs that my dad got wasted and smashed my computer, leaving me unable to code anymore games on Roblox. I didn’t even realize I was crying a river to you for a Whole hour until I caught glimpse of my alarm clock and saw it was already 2. Not long after that, the other line went quiet and I heard a bang at my window. Intrigued, I made my way over and looked out into the December night, and what do I see? No other than You crouched on the roof in nothing but your blue sweater, With an unopened Twix bar in your right hand.”
Ivan’s mouth curled into a nostalgic grin. “It was Freezing that night.” Andrew snickered slightly, as he reduced the gap between the two even more.
“Oh trust me, I could tell. When I finally opened the window and gave you my hand to help you in—they were so cold I wouldn’t have been surprised if your blood was frozen. when I got you in my room, I was able to see that your fingers had these grey and red patches over them. It was then that it hit me that it was illegal for teens to drive past 11—and my house was across town from yours. By that point, I wasn’t even crying anymore—I was more worried about you than anything. You were shivering uncontrollably while you started incoherently rambling about feeling hot. It was clear you had hypothermia-but I couldn’t have taken you to the hospital because my parents are the rulers of hell themselves and would banish me to the firery pits before they’d even consider spending a dime on another person. So I did the only thing I could think of; I found a spare set of Pajamas and helped you get out of your snow soaked Attire before laying you down in my bed deep under the blankets. Immediately after doing so, I left the room and brought back a warm bowl of water for your hands and lied down next to you. By that time, thankfully you were well enough to know to stick your frost bitten hands in there. And all the While your skin was thawing from being rock solid from the cold, the only thing you were focused on was Me. You kept asking me if I was alright, and how sorry you were that you couldn’t have come sooner. You wanted to see what you could do to help me, offering to work extra hours to help me save up for a new computer. After a good five minutes of this—I couldn’t take it anymore. Before I could stop myself, I bursted into laughter—gently throwing my arms around you and muffled the noise against your chest. I couldn’t believe that someone would actually walk for an hour Across town in the middle of winter to give another person a Twix bar—Let alone without a coat! And then the only thing they cared about after almost dying of hypothermia was if the other was okay?” Andrew lied down onto his back, looking up at the stars. “That was 8 years ago Ivan, and I still think about it on December nights like this. That night meant everything to me.” After a moment, Ivan mimicked Andrew’s movement, flopping onto his back as well. He was in Awe that He remembered all of that in such vivid detail. There was so much he wanted to say, but at the same time—he was terrified that if he said something, Andrew would dissolve into thin air.
after a few minutes of enjoying the night sky—Andrew sat back up into a sitting position.
“You…always had controlling tendencies. Even in high school, I remember you would give me a hard time about stupid things, like hanging out with my other friends—and you wouldn’t even tell me about simple stuff, like your birthday or your middle name. Then when I moved in with you after getting evicted—it got completely out of hand.”
“I…”
“Look, Ivan, I know you’re terrified of someone actually knowing what’s happening in your head. It’s not easy to trust someone with your flaws and imperfections—but it’s necessary. Because in a relationship, you need to be able to communicate with the other person. When you don’t, you end up getting trapped with Your own thoughts, going extreme lengths for something that you convince yourself you need, like a legacy—and you end up pushing the person out the door and out of your life.” ”
His voice was calm, but his eyes were filled with hundreds of emotions which clashed with each other.
“Your dad’s gone Ivan. If you couldn’t make him proud when he was alive—you won’t be able to now that he isn’t. my dad is a dick too, okay? It’s really hard when you can never good enough—I know. But there comes a time when you have to live for you—because when you don’t, you end up ALL alone on a Friday night committing suicide off of a rooftop. So please—just stop pushing Me out-and let me help you.”
He noticed Ivan’s face froze for a moment. A pang of fear crawled up his spine, worried he may lose it at him all over again—hence the cycle repeating. But Then he saw his lip
Began to quiver and his body tremble. He suddenly threw his arms around Andrew, busting into sobs he so desperately repressed for so long.
When he saw the look in Ivan’s eyes—he didn’t see the twinge of darkness he used to before. Now what Replaced that looked like a twinge of hope. maybe, just maybe, all he had to do was give him just a little bit of faith. So after a moment, he ultimately returned Ivan’s hug—rubbing his back.
After a good moment or two, Andrew eventually pulled away. he grabbed ivans hand and led him from The edge to down the stairs of the roof. he gave him little details about each place local here, allowing him to read each brochure. And this was the first that Ivan felt something he lacked for so many months; and that was hope.