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Yin Yu’s thoughts and feelings were not a mystery to Quan Yizhen anymore, thanks to their renewed closeness and the promises they had made to be open and honest to each other, to avoid repeating the mistakes of the past.
That was a promise that they both took seriously, and vowed to keep for the rest of their existence.
Well, there was one thing that was still a mystery for Quan Yizhen. Something he had thought of asking about before… but always decided that, ultimately, was not needed. He had full trust in his husband, and if Yin Yu took a day every year to go somewhere unknown to him, that was okay. Even if he itched to know.
It was just so rare of Yin Yu to do something alone nowadays, though.
It would probably be really easy to just follow him, but if there was something that Quan Yizhen knew was important between them now, it was to give Yin Yu his space, especially if he ever asked for it.
The thing was that it was a day where Yin Yu always seemed to be deeply sad, both before he departed to wherever it was he went, and after he came back home. Of course it made Quan Yizhen worry! At least he wasn’t injured or anything, but…
After some consideration, Quan Yizhen was quite sure of where it was that Yin Yu was going: Yin Yu traveled without his usual mask and wearing different clothes than his uniform, he always had a faint smell of incense when he returned, and the last time Yin Yu was preparing for his trip, Quan Yizhen (accidentally) saw him take some white robes with him. Yin Yu never wore proper daoist robes for anything! And after thinking of all that, Quan Yizhen concluded that it must be that he was visiting someone’s grave.
There were not many alternatives for whose grave Yin Yu would want to visit alone, right?
Did Yin Yu believe that he would feel in some negative way about it, maybe? Or that he would question him for doing so?
For some reason, they had never talked about Jian Shi. And now, Quan Yizhen found himself regretting that fact. It wasn’t a sore topic for him. He wasn't even avoiding that subject, and if it had come up, Quan Yizhen would not be opposed to talk about him at all. But they simply never had any conversations about Jian Shi.
Thinking of this made Quan Yizhen’s heart painfully squeeze in his chest. Because there were so many conversations they should have had in the past, way before things went wrong. And he also felt sad for his own miscommunication with Jian Shi.
During the centuries he spent away from Yin Yu, and even during the time Xie Lian helped and listened to him, he had time to reflect on a lot of things, and got to think of a lot of his past decisions and attitudes. And of course, those thoughts included his past relationship with Jian Shi.
No matter their tense relationship, or how wrong things had ended between them, there was something that was clear to Quan Yizhen: Jian Shi had loved Yin Yu and had been deeply devoted to him. And, a fact that maybe would surprise Yin Yu: Quan Yizhen had never stopped considering Jian Shi his martial brother.
Jian Shi had been someone he never could understand completely, and after everything went down —after Quan Yizhen had a chance to start understanding other people better—, he truly lamented how they couldn’t talk to each other before it was too late.
If they had, maybe–
Well, there was no use in thinking of what ifs anymore.
The past was in the past, and all they could do was look to the future.
But Quan Yizhen decided that it was also time for him and Yin Yu to have that conversation. To share that last bit of pain and carry that burden together. There was no reason for Yin Yu to have to do it on his own.
♒︎☽☀︎☾♒︎
“I want to go with you this time, Yu-er,” Quan Yizhen said, when Yin Yu announced that —as he did every year— he was going on his trip. “You’re going to visit Jian Shi shixiong’s grave, right?” He decided to be upfront. To not give Yin Yu’s brain any chance to run away and spiral, looking for excuses. “I want to go with you.”
Yin Yu’s expression was a mix of surprise and guilt.
“You… already knew where I was going?” Ah, well, he had been discovered, so there was no use in trying to deny it.
“I wasn’t sure of it, but now you’ve confirmed it,” Quan Yizhen replied, and got closer to Yin Yu, to take one of his hands between his, while looking at him with the softest expression he could muster. “Yu-er, I really want to go with you.”
Yin Yu looked back at him, cupped his face with his free hand, and after a moment of silence, he asked, with a sad smile, “Why?”
“There are things I want to tell him, too,” was Quan Yizhen’s simple response. But then, he thought of a different possibility. “Oh, no, wait. Do you think Jian Shi shixiong would be mad if I go with you, Yu-er?”
That made Yin Yu laugh, and with that, a weight seemed to be lifted from his shoulders.
“He would probably roll his eyes at us anyway. It’s not like I have not said we got married, you know? Maybe he would even utter a ‘fucking finally’ or something like that.”
“Yes, that sounds like him,” Quan Yizhen said, with a smile. “All the curses I know, I learned them from him!” He seemed to be proud of that fact.
“You were both incorrigible,” Yin Yu remembered fondly, laughing again. Jian Shi’s repertoire of curse words truly had no rival in the whole Three Realms. Then, he finally said, “Alright. Let’s… let’s go together, this time.”
Quan Yizhen took Yin Yu between his arms with such enthusiasm that he ended up lifting him, happy that this conversation had gone so well. Yin Yu instinctively surrounded him with his legs, even if he knew that his husband would never let him fall.
“Thank you, Yu-er!” Quan Yizhen noisily kissed his cheek, before letting him stand again. “I hoped my husband would allow me accompany him, so I already prepared my clothes, and something to bring as a gift.”
“Then we can leave soon, if you're prepared. There's something I need to buy on the way there, but otherwise, I'm ready.”
After they both were sure they were not forgetting anything, they departed together, hand in hand as Yin Yu threw his pair of dice to take them somewhere. Quan Yizhen forgot to ask him where, and Yin Yu did not mention it, either.
♒︎☽☀︎☾♒︎
When Quan Yizhen opened his eyes, he noticed they were at the outskirts of a town located in the West. It wasn't just any town, of course. It was one he would recognize without fail, no matter how much time passed and how much it changed: he grew up there —the three of them did, in fact—. Quan Yizhen had always protected it well, with special dedication, and liked to visit it from time to time.
It made sense that Yin Yu chose this location, of course. What other place would be as familiar and synonymous with home than the town that saw him grow and learn?
“There's an inn I visit every year, to take a bath and change, before I buy some food and wine for him,” Yin Yu explained, while he put away his dice. “Is that okay with you, Zhenzhen?”
“Of course, Yu-er.”
“Excellent. We can talk more there, too.”
After carefully disguising themselves and sealing their qi, they finally entered the town, and it brought a deep sense of nostalgia to both of them, walking around there together for the first time in so long, like the three of them used to do, when they were still disciples, and recently after Yin Yu’s own ascension as a Heavenly Official, investigating some suspicious disappearance or following the traces of a dangerous yao to defeat (the latter was Quan Yizhen’s favorite task; whenever they needed to do some investigation it was always Jian Shi and Yin Yu who did most of the work).
This time, they were not disciples anymore, but two wandering daozhangs, passing through and looking for lodgings.
The atmosphere in town was lively, and soon their mood lifted, the breeze of early spring and the prosperous ambience around easing their complicated feelings. Soon, they found themselves already at the inn Yin Yu had mentioned, where the owner received them with a lot of enthusiasm, since he recognized Yin Yu and seemed to be extra happy to see him again, and even bring a new customer with him too!
They took the best room available, Yin Yu ordered the food they would be taking with them (mapo tofu, dandan noodles, leng chi tu and three jars of choujiu), and while they waited for it all to be ready, they went to take a bath.
In the end, it was a mostly silent affair: not uncomfortable, but they were both lost in their thoughts. Any conversation would be reserved for later, it seemed. To be had in the presence of Jian Shi’s grave.
To be had when the three of them were together, sharing a meal and drinking wine.
They helped each other dress, now in white daoist robes, and Yin Yu carefully put away the boxes of food in his qiankun pouch, with a stasis talisman added to keep it warm.
Without a word, he extended a hand to Quan Yizhen, and with a throw of dice he took them to the special place Yin Yu chose, centuries ago, to be Jian Shi’s resting place.
Of course Quan Yizhen never found it on his own, even if it was on his own territory: it was protected with a special, powerful barrier that hid it really well and kept it from any external interference. Probably Hua Cheng’s handiwork, which would track, considering that, as far as he knew, he helped Yin Yu with the whole issue in some way, but Quan Yizhen didn’t
know the details.
To an outsider, it would seem like they were in front of a small, ordinary cave: only the ones that knew something was hidden there —and with the ability to open the barrier— would ever witness its true nature. Yin Yu opened the barrier for them, and Quan Yizhen’s heart skipped a beat at the beautiful view that opened in front of him.
They were inside a huge cavern, with several openings above, that filtered plenty of sunlight to be able to see the inside on its own, but it also reflected over uncountable night pearls shining over the walls. There was a pond, its water crystalline and full of koi fishes swimming around. The water surrounded an islet, where an enormous willow tree seemed to be waiting for them. At its feet, Quan Yizhen could see a gravestone.
Before Yin Yu could, Quan Yizhen made a bridge with his spiritual energy, and they crossed it hand in hand.
It was Yin Yu who broke the silence, as they approached the stone. “I’m here again, A-Shi. Not alone this time.”
“I’m sorry it took me so long, Jian Shi shixiong,” Quan Yizhen said, bowing in front of the stone. “I hope you can forgive this one.”
They cleaned the incense burner, put new sticks in it, placed some joss paper next to it, and then Yin Yu put a blanket out for them to sit under the tree.
“I don’t even remember when was the last time the three of us ate together like this,” Yin Yu admitted, as he portioned the meals for the three of them.
“It’s been so long that I don’t remember either,” Quan Yizhen, for once, was eating at a slow pace. “But Jian Shi shixiong always ate the spiciest dishes available, I remember that.”
“I should have asked for it to be extra spicy,” Yin Yu said. “Well, maybe next year.”
Quan Yizhen served some choujiu for them, and started laughing. “Yu-er, do you remember that time Jian Shi shixiong got in trouble for getting me drunk?”
“Of course I remember, I had to take care of you that night and the next morning. I guess that was the worst punishment for A-Shi, and not the kneeling in the discipline hall.”
“He taunted me thinking I was not going to drink.” But of course Quan Yizhen drank, even if he didn’t like the taste of it! He had always been competitive! “The problem was that I got sick…”
Their time back in the sect —and anything from the past— was something they had not revisited in a while. After clearing their misunderstandings, they focused on their present and their future, but it was never too late to reminisce, and cherish the paths that brought them to the present they shared, however painful those might have been.
“Jian Shi shixiong was a very fun person, even if I couldn’t really understand him,” Quan Yizhen started. “Well, if I’m honest, I think none of us really understood the other. Even if we cared a lot.”
“We were all so young, back then,” Yin Yu said, “and so stubborn, too. I didn’t want to listen to him, he didn’t want to listen to me, and none of us tried to talk to you…”
“Oh, but Jian Shi shixiong and me talked before… before everything went out of control.” Yin Yu’s expression of surprise told Quan Yizhen that he had no idea about that. “It was more of a fight than a conversation, I guess. He came to my palace, in fact.”
That night, Jian Shi had finally felt so fed up with Yin Yu’s situation —the constant loss of believers, the disrespect, the humiliations— that he went to confront Quan Yizhen, on his own, without telling anything to Yin Yu, of course. It went as well as anyone could imagine: Jian Shi was shouting and Quan Yizhen was agitated and confused.
”I haven’t ever tried to take shixiong’s believers! It doesn’t have anything to do with me!”
”For fucks sake, do you even have a fucking brain inside that thick skull, you moron?! OF COURSE IT HAS TO DO WITH YOU!”
“But it doesn’t! I didn’t do anything–”
“Just shut up and fix this, you fucker!”
“What– what should I do?”
“I don’t know! Just show your believers the truth!”
“At the time I really didn’t get how this worked in the Heavens, or how I should act to help you. Everything was confusing and contradictory to me, and Jian Shi shixiong didn’t try to explain any of that to me, either. But I… I came up with a plan because of our conversation.”
Showing his believers the truth meant showing them how amazing, capable and outstanding Yin Yu was as a Martial God, unlike the careless disaster Quan Yizhen was (in Jian Shi’s opinion). And that’s why Quan Yizhen decided to talk to the Heavenly Emperor to invite Yin Yu to the Martial God’s Patrol.
“Of course it went wrong. Both Jian Shi shixiong and me failed to understand you, and the ways we tried to make things better backfired for both of us.”
“He never thought… We had no idea of–”
“I knew Jian Shi shixiong too, Yu-er. I know he didn’t want to actually kill me. We were both just… very childish.” The question of Yin Yu’s intentions was left in the air: that was a conversation they already had in the past. There was no need to go there again. “Heh, I wonder how he would react if he heard me call him childish.”
Then, Quan Yizhen retrieved his own, special offering for Jian Shi, from his qiankun sleeve: a tea set and a box of the tea they used to drink when they were both deputies under Yin Yu’s palace. It was one of the few peaceful moments they shared, or, well, as peaceful as it could be, when it came to them.
Yin Yu had been the sophisticated one between them, enjoying not only the martial arts but also things like tea and poetry and calligraphy. Both Jian Shi and Quan Yizhen tried to at least appreciate the tea, since all they had to do was drink it —unlike with the poetry and calligraphy, that required a skill they definitely didn’t have…—
Quan Yizhen made sure to support the family that produced that particular tea variety, because he wanted to be able to enjoy it together with shixiong again one day. He was glad he thought of doing that, and in his heart, was glad that he could share it again with the only other person that had never doubted Yin Yu.
“Shixiong, what happened to Jian Shi shixiong?” Quan Yizhen asked, as he served three cups of tea, with all the care he was able to muster.
That was a painful story, but Yin Yu knew it was finally time to tell it.
They had ended up far into the Eastern territories, because they intentionally avoided the West domain and tried to get as far away from it as possible. They would not be welcomed there, and didn’t want to witness the destruction of Yin Yu’s temples and statues, either. But they never wanted to intrude in Hua Cheng’s territory!
They were having a miserable time right from the moment they were banished, and things didn’t really improve much with the passage of time. They just kept moving on, but Jian Shi grew more restless, angry and ridden with guilt, and while they kept trying to cultivate, Jian Shi’s power was not high, and Yin Yu’s shackle drained any qi anyway.
It felt like it also drained all their luck. Well, not that Yin Yu had ever been particularly fortunate, for starters. But the last straw of that was them encountering a dangerous yao while surveying a remote forest that seemed to have enough spiritual energy for them to cultivate for a while, in peace.
Jian Shi tried to protect Yin Yu when the beast attacked, and that was how he died.
But his anger and bitter powerlessness turned him into a resentful spirit, in an explosion of evil qi that made the yao flee… and that also sent Yin Yu flying, leaving him injured and in pain.
And that was how Hua Cheng found them: a spirit out of control and an injured, banished god.
“Hua Chengzhu trapped A-Shi and, after I regained my consciousness and had already accepted to work for him, he helped me pacify his spirit and send him off.”
“Jian Shi shixiong must have been so ashamed,” Quan Yizhen said. “He already felt guilty for what happened, injuring you would make him feel even worse…” His voice was deeply sad. “Even if we are okay now, I still wish things had been different for all of us, Yu-er.”
Yin Yu reached for one of his hands. “I think you understand him better than you think.”
“Now, maybe. But back then… I wish I had been less indifferent. He was my shixiong too, and I stopped trying to be a good shidi to him. And I felt bitter over his closeness to you, and let that erode my respect for him.”
Yin Yu let out a deep sigh. It felt weird, to talk about that. On the only day of the year where he truly let himself think of that, instead of only letting his guilt eat him, if he dared remember him.
Quan Yizhen squeezed Yin Yu’s hand.
“Jian Shi shixiong loved you deeply, and I know you loved him a lot too. He was your best friend from childhood, and you were together even before ascending. Jian Shi shixiong has a place in Yu-er’s heart, as he deserves,” Quan Yizhen said, before moving to sit closer to Yin Yu, still holding his hand. “Of course you can be sad, Yu-er.” How did Quan Yizhen know what to tell him?
For the first time in a really, really long time, Yin Yu allowed himself to cry about the past. More importantly, he cried in front of Jian Shi’s grave for the first time.
Tears that didn’t come from his guilt or his shame.
Those were tears of love, an endless stream of scalding hot tears that had been waiting too long to be freed. Quan Yizhen held him tightly, knowing too well that Yin Yu had probably felt unworthy of showing his love for Jian Shi after all that happened. That even if he came to take care of this place, and brought offerings, he never mentioned again any of those feelings. Like how much he missed him. Only how sorry he was. And it shouldn’t be like that! Yin Yu deserved to grieve his A-Shi.
After calming down, Yin Yu sat by Quan Yizhen’s side, his head leaning over his shoulder. Yizhen reached for his hand and interlaced their fingers, and Yin Yu started talking again.
“Hua Chengzhu’s help was the only thing that stopped Jian Shi’s soul from causing trouble and ending up dispersed by other cultivators. He helped me pacify A-Shi and I was able to talk with him one last time, before I conducted the proper rites.” Quan Yizhen didn’t need to ask to know that Jian Shi had asked for Yin Yu’s forgiveness to be able to transcend. “It was the least I could do.” And it was his way to say goodbye not only to his A-Shi, but to the Heavens, too. “It was also Hua Chengzhu who helped me hide this place.”
“You came here before, shixiong?” It was such a particular location! And really beautiful, too. Quan Yizhen wondered if it had some special meaning.
“We found this cave when we were still disciples, after a mission together. So we came here sometimes, if we could.” To spend time on their own. “But I planted the willow for him the day I buried him here.”
“It’s a beautiful way to honor him.” And it was a beautiful way for Yin Yu to admit how much he missed him, even if he couldn’t say it with words. “I’m sure he loves that you chose this place to remember him.”
“I’m sorry for feeling like this. It’s not exactly proper of a husband to–”
“Don’t be silly, Yu-er,” Quan Yizhen kissed his temple. “Who cares about that? Why would the fact that you love me mean you should love Jian Shi shixiong any less?” What a relief, that Quan Yizhen was still the same he had always been. “This husband is glad that Yu-er allowed him to come and shared this part of himself. That my Yu-er can finally grieve.”
Well, Yin Yu had made a vow. They both had, the day they married. And even if it took time, they both were always doing their best to understand and to explain. To be there, to listen, and to talk.
“Thank you for coming here with me, Zhenzhen. I don’t have the words yet, but it means a lot to me.”
“I will be there to listen when you find the words. I will always be right by your side, Yu-er.”
♒︎☽☀︎☾♒︎
They drank some more tea together, and shared more of their memories from the days in the sect and in the Heavens, until it was getting dark, signaling that it was time for them to go back.
They lit up a strong palm fire and burned the last of their offerings together, the smoke rising to the sky and taking with it both their wishes and regrets, before dispersing into nothingness.
Then, while Yin Yu finished retrieving all their things so they could go back home, Quan Yizhen stepped in front of Jian Shi’s gravestone.
“I will take care of shixiong for as long as I live, Jian Shi shixiong,” Quan Yizhen said, before kowtowing in front of the stone. “You don’t have to worry. And we will come drink tea with you again, like in the old times!”
Yin Yu laughed, and then a strong, sudden breeze moved the willow’s catkins, and Quan Yizhen could have sworn that, for a moment, he could see the silhouette of Jian Shi there, standing under them and rising his cup, before disappearing.
Artwork by Soapy_Soartp