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Vox stroked his shark. "Life in Hell is really great!"
Velvette kicked down the doors in his office. She held Valentino in her right arm. "Vox! You needa see this!"
Vox spun around because he's sitting on a gaming chair that spins. "Oh my god, Velvette! What the fuck is it? I'm busy stroking my shark." He placed his shark on his desk and folded his hands underneath his chin.
"There's a new trend going around the sinners we need to capitalize on!" She screamed.
"Oh my god, Velvette! I don't give a shit! Tell me one good reason why I should fucking care!"
Valentino pulled a pink rectangular box out of his ass cheeks. It came out with a pop, "This is like a cigarette except strawberry flavored!"
He then demonstrated how it worked. The smoke that came from it smelled like Valentino's filthy asshole and Febreze.
"Ew! What the fuck!" Vox cried, fanning the butt smelling smoke away from his face, "This contraption is interesting, Val let me have a hit."
Val handed over his greasy box thing. Vox took a long huff from the little hole, "Slurp! Damn, this is kind of good."
Velvette threw her hands into the air, "See? This is why we need to take control of this thing and get even richer!"
Vox stood up from his awesome gaming chair and went to look outside his windows. His windows connect to the ceiling and the floor, so they're really huge.
He looked down at Pentagram City, "Control..." Vox whispered, "I really like control. It's very nice." He scratched the bottom of his TV chin. "What are these called Vel?"
"Vapes." Velvette replied, "But I was thinkin' we could like, call them vapes. With a V! For the Vees! Vapes!"
Vox looked at her with astonishment, "My god Velvette you're brilliant."
_
Charlie was outside of her hotel waving her hands in the sky. She was trying to get sinners' attention by flailing around, even though the hotel was on a hill far from where anybody could actually see them. Vaggie stared at her from the main doorway.
"Charlie!" Vaggie called, "Nobody can see you!"
"Shut up Vaggie! Nobody asked for your opinion!" Charlie yelled.
Angel-Dust joined the scene. He also felt personally attacked from Charlie's craziness. Just last week she tried to make him juggle a cardboard arrow sign on Pentagram City’s main street.
"What is with her?!" Angel-Dust whined, "It's like she's addicted to nic!"
Vaggie pretended to look stunned. In all honesty, she was tired of Angel's shit and couldn't give a fuck anymore. "Nic? What's that?"
"Girl, how have you not caught on yet?" Angel pulled out a vape from his fake boobs, "It's the new craze!"
Vaggie raised an eyebrow, "Since when did you give a fuck about trends?"
"Val gave me a raise to promote this shit. It's really good though, I like the watermelon one."
Vaggie looked at the vape in Angel's hands. Especially looked at the little hole where your mouth goes. Sadly, she didn't get to suck as much as she used to. When she enlisted in the exorcist army, they confiscated her pacifier, and her and Charlie were currently going through a rough spot in their relationship so she couldn't suck on her either.
"Let me take a whiff." Vaggie asked. Angel handed her his vape and she sucked the little hole. It did not feel like her pacifier nor Charlie, but she still appreciated the fact she was sucking on something. Angel forced the vape out of her mouth.
"Bitch!" He squealed, "You take sips of it! Are you trying to drain my whole fucking thing?"
"Oh shit. My bad." Vaggie replied. Huge balls of smoke came from her mouth, and they would not go away for twenty more minutes.
"Oh my god!" Angel laughed, "This is so embarrassing! For you!” He stuffed the vape back into his bra. “That's what you get for mooching off my shit."
Vaggie put her hands in front of her chest and backed away from Angel. "Chill out dude. Also, where did you get this vape thing?"
Angel pointed out towards the horizon past Charlie. There was a little smoke shop wedged in between two giant buildings.
“Right over there.” He calmly spoke.
"Thanks, I guess." Vaggie shoved past Angel and Charlie and made her way towards Pentagram City. As she walked, she made sure she had all of her cash and her credit cards. She kept her money in her Gucci wallet. Sadly, she had to hide it in her Micheal Kors purse, which only cost her fifty-five dollars.
She arrived at the smoke shop, and it looked way hippier up-close. There were sinners decked in sandals and tie dye shirts, they smelled like weed!
"Ew, are you an angel? Did you come here to oppress us?"
Vaggie took out her angelic pepper spray and used it against every hippie she could see.
In the store it was much smellier. The best way to describe it is like a gas station bathroom in Los Angeles. Vaggie covered her nose and went up to the cashier. "Can I buy a vape?"
The cashier nodded, "That's right." He put a menu on the counter, "What flavor?" Vaggie skimmed it.
"I'll take Tropical Surprise." She spoke.
The cashier grabbed a paper bag and put her purchase and his business card inside. He then spun around a tiny tablet on the counter. It read, "Would you like to tip?" Vaggie pressed "No" and forcibly spun it back around.
She hated this part of customer service. The cashier isn't a waiter living on two bucks per hour, so why does she have to tip? The answer was obvious; companies are slowly trying to breach the boundaries of how much they have to pay their workers to see if they can be like restaurants, who are dependent on the consumers. In heaven, angels did not have to tip at restaurants. In heaven, they paid their workers what they're supposed to be paid!
"Hoe!" The cashier spat and threw the bag at Vaggie's face.
Vaggie stuck her tongue out, "Not my fault you don't make enough money!"
She hurriedly ran to an empty street corner and emptied the contents of the paper bag into her hand. She sucked on the vape for an absurd amount of time. Mangos, pineapples and coconuts danced on her tongue.
Then she fell onto the sidewalk, hunched over and gagging. Suddenly, it set in. Vaggie felt incredibly dizzy.
"Why is thou indulging in addiction?" A strange figure spoke behind her. Vaggie looked up and saw one of the overlords, Zestial. He was carrying multiple shopping bags and a very expensive Louis Vuitton purse. It was covered in really ugly polka dots, making it very tacky.
"Vaping is bad. Breathe air instead." Zestial continued. Vaggie started to rummage around her purse for her angelic self-defense weapon. It was a really weak taser that didn't work as well as advertised if the man was six feet tall and over a hundred pounds.
"As thee act a fiend, I will be taking my leave!" He rhymed. Vaggie wanted him dead. He was so annoying and so old.
She recalled being in a group chat with Carmilla and Zestial. They only text in it to send each other holiday greetings and nothing else. But Zestial types fifteen paragraphs into a message and signs it off with a snarky remark and his name. And he would get on Vaggie about not doing the same thing, but let his girlfriend, Carmilla, text however she wanted. Vaggie really wanted to shove her angelic spear down Zestial's throat, but she really liked Carmilla, so she had to let her boyfriend slide.
Vox looked down at Vaggie through his windows and muttered to himself, "All according to plan..." He was booty cheek naked and did not care if Hell saw his long pole. His hands were on his hips, and he was holding fat stacks of cash in his mouth. I don't know how because he's a TV, but he has a holographic tongue, so I guess like that.
He spat the bills onto the bed where Val was. "We are so rich, baby!"
Val arched his back and moaned, "Yes hubby! Do a money spread on my dick!" Vox did exactly that. Thousand-dollar bills were spread across Val's twenty-inch dick. Vox can handle that like a champ.
"Now that Charlie's little girlfriend has a vape, it's only a matter of time before my vapes will reach heaven!" Vox declared.
"Uhm." Val interrupted, "You mean, our vapes?"
Vox cleared his throat, "Uh yeah. Sure babe."
Vox hopped into his pants in a struggle. His ass is huge and that's a part of why Val loves him so much. He finally got them on and went to the living room. It's a very white and suburban looking living room right besides Vox's office. There are no doors or walls separating it.
Velvette was on her phone on the couch hitting her vape. Vox went to the kitchen area of the living room, also not separated by walls or doors.
"Vox you smell like dick! You know I bought you an African net sponge from TikTok shop, when are you going to use it?"
"Velvette my dear, you know you're never going to get me to exfoliate." Vox uses his hands and oatmeal soap only to bathe, and that's only when he feels like washing his body. The only thing that cleans him is his three in one heads and shoulders, shampoo and conditioner bottle. He swears to God he's clean because he showers every day, but Velvette and Valentino just know that's not true.
Vox fixed himself coffee and directly drank it from the pot. He put the it back on the stand half full and leaned over the kitchen counter.
"You know Vel..." he began, "everybody is going to get really tired of the same old vape design. I'm thinking, we should also turn it into a phone! Or better, a TV!"
Velvette tried to imagine a TV-vape but failed.
“That's lame Vox. How about we make it like a cassette player, and you have to vape to hear the music? We'll add a screen and make an app like Spotify, except it's free!" She raised a finger up, "And I don't mean the free version of Spotify. I mean the premium Spotify, for free! And even bettah, we'll make the vapes cheaper than Premium but still charge a monthly fee!"
Vox was amazed, "Velvette if you weren't a lesbian, I'd French kiss you on the mouth!" He pecked her cheek instead. "And what should we name it?"
Velvette smirked, "Vspotify Vape."
-
Vaggie was lying on her back on her and Charlie's bed. Her left side of her body was dangling off her side of the bed. She didn't learn her lesson and was still sucking her vape like her old beloved pacifier.
Charlie burst in through the door, "Vaggie you lazy bum! You don't do shit around the hotel-"
Vaggie did all the work around the hotel. She especially did Alastor's jobs because he would always claim he was on break.
"-I should've your left sorry butt on the streets!"
Vaggie grew numb to Charlie's yelling. She dismissed her girlfriend and took another hit of her vape.
"And what is this?" Charlie snatched the vape from Vaggie's hands, angry but also genuinely curious.
"Oh, that's my vape. It's like a cigarette." Vaggie calmly responded. She snatched it back and kept sucking.
Charlie rolled her eyes, "Oh great! You're smoking now, thanks Vaggie, I'll add that onto the list of things going wrong with our relationship." Her eyes went to the little hole Vaggie was sucking from. Charlie missed when Vaggie would suck her like that. She slammed the door shut and left Vaggie by herself.
Charlie desperately needed relationship advice. She spotted her father sitting in the main lobby, playing Block Blast. She sat down beside him, "Hey Dad. I need to talk to you."
Lucifer looked at her while simultaneously playing on his phone.
"Do you have to be playing that?" Charlie asked.
"Charlie!" Lucifer replied, "This is how I make money!" The only "money" that Lucifer was given through playing mobile games were coupons and gift cards.
Charlie brushed it off, "Well ok then." She gazed longingly at the ceiling, "Dad, I don't wanna have a falling out with Vaggie. But I've just been so stressed with the hotel and heaven stuff that I can't seem to regulate myself anymore. And Vaggie demands I let her have my credit cards to buy purses and stuff because apparently, she does all the work around the hotel, but that's just not true! I handle the finances!"
Lucifer looked at her dumbfounded, "Charlie, you need to stop."
Charlie’s face froze in a dumbfounded expression, "What do you mean Dad?"
"I mean, if she claims to do all the work around the hotel, you should stop doing the finances and let her handle that as well! Then she will have a valid reason for using your credit cards!"
Charlie shot up from her seat and gave Lucifer a gentle hug, "Thanks Daddy!"
She bounced off to go tell Vaggie the bad news. Lucifer hummed to himself, "I'm such a good dad."
"No, you're not." A voice called from the background. Alastor was leaned against the wall. His suit was open, showing off his rock-hard abs, chiseled by the heavens themselves.
“Oh, are you looking at my rock-hard abs?" Alastor smirked. For the past year he has been at the hotel he had also been working out. Ever since he got visible progress, he couldn't stop flaunting himself.
"No! I'm not looking at your rock-hard abs!" Lucifer protested even though he was looking directly at Alastor's rock-hard abs. Alastor scoffed and tossed his head around in a circular motion making his bob flow gracefully in the hotel's wind. (There was an open window.)
Alastor pushed himself off the wall and started walking to his room. But before he left the lobby, he did one last hair toss.
When he made it to his room he quickly darted in and slammed the door behind him. He made sure nobody had followed him before approaching his secret shrine. He tossed the red veil onto the ground and traced his fingers over his collection.
Alastor owned ninety-nine vapes, all mounted on the wall. They were organized in alphabetical order. Which flavor to choose... Coconut. Alastor took a huge puff and placed it back onto the wall. He could not go two hours without nicotine. His jealousy of Nifty and Husk lingered in the rising smoke because they could go three days.
Alastor dramatically threw the red veil back onto his shrine. He walked over to his vanity mirror and took a good look at himself... Nobody could know that THE Radio Demon... Vaped. It would ruin his authentic image and his vintage aesthetic... If the overlords found out... Ooh boy... they would let him have it! If Vox found out that Alastor was smoking his brand... even worse. Trying to maintain his ego, he smoked a cigarette... It tasted... Like shit compared to... Vapes! He threw the cigarette into a noticeable place and... Stomped it out... Nobody... Could... Know... Or... Else...
-
Vaggie was perplexed. Charlie had put her in charge of numerous bank accounts, management, and stocks. Infront of her was a monitor with fifty tabs open. The screen contained not just the Hotel's finances, but her and Charlie's as well.
Stocks confused her the most. There was this chart with a bunch of bubbles on it, and inside the bubbles were company names.
Vaggie was taught execution and killing people, not investment. She tapped her chin and pondered. In the biggest green bubble had the name "VT" short for Voxtech. Considering how well they were doing with their vapes, Vaggie assumed it would be wise to buy ten thousand dollars of their stock. She cracked her knuckles and leaned back into her office chair. All she had to do was wait for the payoff.
The phone on the desk rang. Vaggie picked it up, "Hello?"
A familiar voice came from the other end of the line. "Hello... Vaggie." It was Lute!
"Wait. How did you know I picked up phone?" Vaggie asked.
"Because I'm an angel. And sometimes I like to pretend I'm a guardian angel and spy into people's lives. It works." Lute let out an evil laugh, "That also means I can see your relationship with Charlie is failing!"
Vaggie scoffed, "Yeah, so?"
"So, nothing!" Lute laughed even harder, "I don't give a fuck! Actually, I called you because you have access to vapes. Here in Heaven, we only have nicotine patches for the recovering. I said, 'Sera, I need a vape!' and she was like, "No, Lute. You must cope with Adam's death in a healthier way.' Fuck that! That's some pussy shit and I don't fucking do that."
Her tone got serious. "So could you be my plug?"
Vaggie was distraught, "You sound just like Adam. But why should I even help your dumbass?"
"I have your pacifier."
Vaggie jumped so hard she fell out of her chair and landed on her back. She quickly shot up and replied, "Yes! Of course! But how can I send vapes to heaven?"
"The postal office."
So Vaggie went to the postal office. She bought Lute twenty vapes with Charlie's credit card. Vaggie went under the assumption that Lute operated like a crack addict, so it was better safe than sorry. She handed the package to the postal dude. Vaggie brushed her hands off and exited the building.
In less than a second, a mysterious package appeared at Heaven's Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter, the only one at the gates noticed it.
"Ooh! What's this?" He exclaimed. He took the amazon package in his hands and examined it carefully.
For Lute
From Vaggie
You better fucking have it.
Even though it was a sin, he took a peek inside. At first glance it looked like a juul.
"Egads! How sinful." He looked around. "Better make sure it's not what I think it is."
He took one tiny hit and blew out the smoke. Saint Peter thought about discarding the package, but he loved the drama. He personally went to deliver it to Lute.
Lute was squatting in the back of a dark alley. Very eerie and dark for Heaven, Saint Peter noted, and the girl in it looked out of her mind.
"Damn girl, you good?" Saint Peter asked, then handed Lute her package.
Lute was holding her head in her hands. It was a pitiful sight.
"I'm fucking tweaking man. I'm hearing Adam and he's whispering sweet nothings into my ear." She scrutinized the amazon box. "You fuck! You opened my package, and you used one of my vapes!"
Peter leaned against the alley wall, arms crossed and one leg over the other. "Vapes? That's what they're calling them now?"
Lute nodded, "Yes. Now take your gay ass somewhere else."
Peter unfolded his arms and put them on his hips while he chuckled, "I don't think so honey. If you don't let me cop a few I'm telling Sera."
Lute slammed her fists into the concrete ground. Two tiny craters were left behind.
"Fine!" She huffed, "But you better not let Abel into this, or I swear to God, I will destroy you."
"Ooh!" Peter giggled, "Don't say the Lord's name in vain!" He strutted off into the busy street. But before that, he let her see the ego on his face.
He disintegrated perfectly into the crowd of winners, and Lute was left to her own thoughts.
"Don't let bitches walk all over you." Adam the hallucination hissed.
He was very misogynistic when he was alive. Lute didn't care; she revolved around him her whole existence. Adam had a gravitational pull that Lute was attracted too. Not because was he fat, which is incredibly sexy, but because he was charismatic and had the perfect rockstar attitude whenever he spoke.
"Don't worry sir. I won't."