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Dustin had been feeling empty lately.
Empty like Eddie’s grave, he thought as he walked to the familiar slab of stone.
Eddie’s body was rotting in the Upside Down, where Dustin abandoned him. Which meant there had been no body to bury during the funeral.
Dustin remembered the funeral very well.
That day, early in the morning, he found himself sitting at the edge of the cliff at the quarry.
He thought back to when Mike jumped off the cliff for his stupid baby teeth. That was the first time someone had been willing to die for him. They didn’t stop after that.
Eddie was just the first one to actually die.
If El hadn’t saved Mike, Dustin would have known the intense feeling of loss a lot earlier in his life. He remembered how scared he was watching Mike inch closer to the edge before jumping off, and how relieved he’d been when he saw him float back to safety.
Those few seconds after Mike jumped, Dustin had been so terrified that he’d lost two friends in the same week. He hadn’t known how to deal with that.
Now that he knew how overwhelming that feeling of loss actually was, he thought that if Mike had hit the water that day, he might have jumped in right after him.
The thought of jumping now danced at the edge of his mind.
But he couldn’t. Eddie’s funeral was today, and he promised he would be there. Mr. Munson called him a few days ago to let him know when it would be held. He told him to keep quiet about it since he didn’t want an angry mob to show up too.
Dustin still told those who were with Eddie until the very end about it. It was only right that the people who knew of Eddie’s sacrifice were there to say goodbye to him. Even if there was no body to lay to rest in that empty grave.
So Dustin got up from that edge, looked down at the water one last time, and turned his back on it.
He needed to focus on avenging Eddie.
When he made it to the cemetery, he hugged Mike a little tighter than he usually would and whispered a quiet thank you to a confused El.
After the funeral, he stayed back and sat by Eddie’s empty grave for hours. He cried, screamed, and apologized for failing to save him and for leaving him. Steve eventually got out of his car, where he’d been waiting patiently for him, and coaxed him home.
Dustin had wanted to stay there to protect it from the vandalism he knew would be inflicted on it.
Eddie’s grave read ‘Now at peace,’ but Dustin had a feeling Eddie wouldn't know peace even in death.
That feeling had been correct because the last year and a half Dustin had spent several hours cleaning off vile words from Eddie’s grave.
Devil-worshipper. Satan. Murderer.
And now BURN IN HELL.
“Don’t worry, Eddie, eventually they’ll get bored,” he said, getting out his paint thinner to remove it.
But as he got a closer look, he realized it wasn’t paint - it was blood. When he uncovered the dead snake buried under the leaves, for a split second, all he saw was Mews' corpse on the carpet in his room, and he fell back in shock.
That’s when Andy and his friends appeared. He knew there would be consequences to putting the snake in Andy’s locker, but he never thought Andy would go as far as killing an innocent animal.
He just thought he would get a beating out of it. Counted on it in fact.
Whenever that feeling of emptiness crept up on him, he would do anything to invite in any other feeling.
Empty felt like nothing. It felt wrong.
It was like he was hiding in the emptiness from all the things he should be feeling.
He should be in pain and let the misery, sorrow, and loss consume him.
That’s what grieving was, wasn’t it?
This time, he had chosen pain to escape that empty feeling. He’d poked the bear, as Steve would say.
But he had hoped the beating would have happened at school. It didn’t matter, though. He still had a little time before he needed to be at the WSQK station for the Crawl.
So he got his ass kicked by Andy and the other jocks. He fought back, of course, but some part of him didn’t know if he was fighting back in an attempt to escape from them or if it was just to rile the assholes up. A way to make sure they fought back even harder and made it hurt more.
Every punch and kick pushed that emptiness further away - took the air from his lungs and replaced it with pain.
It felt right.
Usually, they stopped beating on him when they felt him stop resisting, and he would do that soon. He just needed a little more time to be in the hurt of it all.
He lost consciousness before he could feel them stop.
When he woke up, it was dark. For a split second, he thought he was dead. Wishful thinking, maybe.
He was lying right on top of Eddie’s grave. His empty grave. Dustin thought that if the ground swallowed him up now, he could occupy that empty space.
He didn’t need his own grave anyway. No one would mourn him; he’d made sure of it.
Dustin had pushed away everyone who once cared about him. He’d yelled and screamed at them - made them hate him. It was better that way. It would spare them the feeling of loss when he left the world.
And really, it worked the other way around too. Every time he was with his friends he couldn't help but feel how much he loved them. He cared so much about them, and he needed to stop - needed to distance himself from them.
Because they kept reminding him how much it would hurt when they inevitably died. The thought of feeling the same loss he felt for Eddie for them too, was all he needed to push them away.
They didn’t even really need him anymore, either. He was supposed to be the smart one, but his brain had stopped working. He used to love flashing his knowledge at them - used to enjoy telling them about his theories and helping them find solutions.
Now, whenever someone asked him a question, all he felt was exhaustion.
So much had happened to him over the years, and that’s where his mind was most days - constantly thinking back.
His mind was scattered over Hawkins. Some part was at the quarry, watching Mike jump. Another at the cemetery seeing Max float in the air. The biggest part was in the Upside Down, holding Eddie as he died.
So, really, with his mind split between all those places, it was no wonder his brain was broken.
He promised Eddie he wouldn’t change, but he barely recognized himself anymore.
Well, if Eddie was looking down at him from somewhere and judged him for breaking that promise, then he could stick that complaint where the sun doesn't shine. The way Dustin saw it, it was Eddie's own fault because how dare he bleed out in his arms and expect him to be the same after that?
It should have been him dying that day. He should have known Eddie would pull a stunt like that and prevented him from doing so - taken his place or died beside him at the very least.
If Dustin were to die now, it would be a good thing no one was there to witness it. No one should know the utter despair that came with watching someone take their last breath. He wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
He wanted to close his eyes and give in to the darkness again.
But something in his mind screamed at him to get up.
‘For Eddie’,
He was suddenly taken back to earlier that day, preparing for the Crawl, and everything came crashing down at once.
He’d missed the Crawl - the one thing that could help him find Vecna, and avenge Eddie. Once again, he’d let Eddie down - let everyone down. It seemed to be the only thing he was good at now.
Well, he had to face them at some point, so he might as well make his way to the WSQK station for the post-mission debrief. He at least had to know if they’d found anything.
He got up from the ground, his body aching with every movement, and walked away from Eddie’s empty grave.
Every step he took was filled with pain, exactly as he’d wanted, and it kept him going.
Before he could make it to the radio station, he spotted the WSQK van on the side of the road, and he had the sinking feeling he was about to feel a lot worse than he already did.
But at least he didn’t feel empty anymore.