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Christmas was always a strange time for Inui. Things weren’t always like this. He remembered celebrating with family. While it wasn’t a big holiday in Japan, at least not when he was a kid, his family often would take any excuse at all for celebrating anything. The family was a happy one, despite not having much money. A lot of their presents were handcrafted by their mother and they usually celebrated with food rather than many presents. Inui never minded that, however. Akane hadn’t either. She loved decorating and that was the most special part for her. She even did research on how other cultures decorated. She picked up on little pieces of other places, from Europe to America to varying other continents, she made their home feel like a far off destination.
It felt magical. It was something that Inui had tried his best to honor as he got older and missed her just as much as he had the days following her death. The amount of time really had never healed how he felt. He still missed her. He thought often of her voice, of how he would never hear it again but sometimes, on rare occasions, he heard her voice through others. Mitsuya Takashi’s little sister Luna had an identical laugh. He had nearly teared up the first time he had heard her laugh, like it had brought back a memory from within. She worked at the bike shop now and she was the service writer, as well as the receptionist. Luna did an amazing job, even if there were times where he saw her and he could have sworn she even had the same smile as Akane.
“Are you listening to a word I’m saying, Inupi?” There was a teasing edge to Draken’s tone as he called him out. Even if Christmas wasn’t the most popular holiday, it was one that meant a lot to the Inui family’s past. He couldn’t help but be sad around that time now. “I should’ve just left you to stare out the window.” He added with a soft sigh. He was still smiling though, which indicated to Inui that Draken wasn’t actually mad at him. Which he was grateful for, since Inui had struggled to make friends after school was done and Draken had become something akin to a best friend. If he hadn’t already reserved that spot for a ghost, that was.
Inui chuckled, “My bad. You’re leaving early. What’s the occasion?” He thought that Draken had said something about a date with one of Yuzuha’s friends, which he knew Draken was reluctant about. He understood. What had happened in their youth had cemented itself in them, their cores and foundations built upon the sad truths and early losses that they had faced. It was also why they got along as wonderfully as they did. There was an echo of sadness in Draken that Inui understood wholeheartedly. Where Draken had lost Emma so young, Inui had lost Akane even younger. Where Draken had a hole in his heart shaped like Mikey, Inui had one too, but for Kokonoi.
Draken replied, “I have that date. And you shouldn’t stay too long, it’s been snowing for a while. I don’t think anyone else is coming in.” It was darker than usual and quiet. The quiet matched the fluffy snow outside that had yet to be stepped on. It looked like a dream. “Text me when you get home, alright? So I know you didn’t die in the blizzard?”
Inui considered asking what kind of date he could have in this weather, but he supposed if they were just going to hang out at home, perhaps cooking and watching movies, then that made perfect sense. Especially since they already knew each other well enough that even Inui knew that her name was a foreign one and that her mom was from Ireland, having moved to Japan before she was even a sparkle in her mother’s eye. Inui knew more about Aoife than he cared to admit. But it was fine. He saw the way Draken looked at her and it gave him hope that his friend could be even a little happier.
When they finally said their goodbyes, Inui took it upon himself to walk Luna to the work truck, insisting that she take that because it did far better in the snow than her car would. It was a fight at first, but eventually, she gave in and she hugged him, wished him a Merry Christmas – he had mentioned to her that his family celebrated it each year despite the lack of faith, and then was off, having borrowed a spare jacket of Draken’s that was heavier than the one she had come in with. She was a sweet kid.
He was in the middle of closing up when he heard a small knock at the door. It was someone bundled with long hair, but he couldn’t quite see their face. Inui frowned a little, but figured they could have been stranded or needed some help. So he decided to be brave and answer the door. He unlocked the main door and then kept his foot behind the door so it wouldn’t open easily if the person tried to push it open further. “Can I help you?” Inui tried his best to sound polite, but he almost never sounded like he was trying to be nice. He had a tone that read of impatience and his face often reflected that. He never meant to be rude, but he often came across as such.
“Seishu,” the voice was small, like something had cut them off. But almost immediately, Inui recognized the voice. He would recognize that voice anywhere.
A little startled, his green eyes widened as he took in the streetlight glow of Kokonoi Hajime. He hadn’t seen him in what had to be at least ten years, if not longer. He probably kept count in the back of his head but he was too stunned to do any math. Instead, he felt his body move on its own. Inui opened the door wider, moving his foot out of the way and allowing Koko to slip inside into the warmth of the mechanic shop. “Your hair is different.” He commented stupidly. Like it wasn’t obvious to them both.
He heard a soft chuckle and then Koko turned to face him. “I bleached it a few years ago. I just keep up with the roots now.” He sounded like he was happy to explain the situation to Inui. But it was both discomfiting and disorienting to see Koko with hair lighter than his own. A part of him wondered briefly if that had been done for Akane, but her hair was never that long. It matched Inui’s hair now in length. But that had to be a coincidence, he figured. “You look right with longer hair. It frames your face nicely.”
The compliment spread pink like a watercolor painting through Inui’s features as he tried his best to avoid Koko’s gaze. “Why are you out in the storm?” Inui decidedly asked as he glanced out the set of glass doors that allowed people entry into the shop before he locked them and turned back around to look over at Koko who was still surveying the area. “Don’t tell me you’re feeling sentimental.” He thought it would be so strange if suddenly, after all of these years had passed, Koko wanted to see him. He also thought it was very unlikely. But maybe, just maybe, he was feeling similarly to how Inui felt.
It wasn’t just Inui’s family that celebrated Christmas, little Kokonoi tagged along. He tagged along on a lot of adventures that Inui’s parents did on a whim. None were too expensive or too far away, but all of them were interesting. Christmas was a tradition for all of them, even after Akane passed. Koko still showed up to those, too, until he hadn’t anymore. Until it was just the three of them. Inui still celebrated with his parents but usually opted for a weekend day since his father still worked while his mother was no longer working. They were older now, too old to carry on traditions for the sake of family. At least, not just for themselves when Inui wasn’t around as much as he used to be. Sometimes, Inui felt guilty about that.
“What if I was feeling sentimental?” Koko narrowed his eyes at Inui. It looked like a challenge but Inui knew better. Even now, he could read Koko’s body language and understand it better than he understood most English phrases and he had studied English quite a bit in school.
Inui frowned a little. “Why did you come here, Hajime?” His heart was beating faster. Not out of nerves, but just the need to know what was going on. He wanted so desperately to understand. Inui wanted Koko to tell him anything, everything, even just a slice of what he no longer knew would satiate him, he believed.
“I wanted to visit the hide-out but I saw the lights were still on. I wanted to see who the new owner was.” Koko replied. Something about how he had said it didn’t seem genuine, but he was picking apart everything Koko said. “I didn’t think it’d be you.”
Inui took that in and then said, “But you knocked anyway.” Which made him think that Koko had known exactly who was inside and had made a measured decision to go up to the door, knock, and be let in. He wanted to look inside, he wanted to be inside. Inui was trying not to let hope take hold of his chest, gripping at his ribcage until he couldn’t breathe anymore. He was trying, but he was also failing.
“I can show you the hide-out. It looks the same, really. I haven’t done much with it.” Inui hadn’t really had the heart to. Koko wiped his shoes and then followed Inui out of the main store and down a hallway, leading to their little hide-out from their youth. The room, once the lights were on, consisted of an old guitar, a tattered couch, an old television set with a gaming console hooked up to it, and a deck of cards splayed out on the floor over a rug. It was where they had spent their last days together.
Inui remembered the card game because he remembered that he had lost. Koko had won and he was a sore winner about it. Inui always hated playing card games with Koko. He always, always beat him and even when he didn’t, Inui was convinced that Koko was letting him win. Koko was so smart, Inui had always known that.
This Koko, though, plopped down on the old, leather couch and looked around. It must have looked the same if not a little smaller than what they were accustomed to. The world had been so much bigger when they were kids. Now it felt limited, breathlessly so. Inui sat down next to him, not having needed much of an invitation. He wasn’t going to stand awkwardly and watch Kokonoi. “It’s exactly as I remember it. But cleaner. Did you actually clean in here?”
Inui chuckled. “Mitsuya’s little sister dusted, vacuumed, that sort of thing.” He hadn’t asked her to but she had taken it upon herself on a slow day to take care of the tucked away room. She promised she hadn’t moved anything, but she said she felt it was too sad to leave it to rot like Inui was. She hadn’t even known. Or at least, he thought she didn’t. Like Koko, Luna was also incredibly bright. “I don’t come in here much,” he added. It was the truth, he tended to stay out of the room. Like it was haunted.
It was. Ghosts filled the room even now, especially now, as Koko glanced over at him with a look of curiosity on his features. He looked like he had something to say, but bit his tongue. Inui always hated when Koko did that. He wished Koko would say exactly what he was thinking, but he knew there was a reason that he couldn’t. That he wouldn’t.
“Why are you still here? You asked me why I came.” Koko raised the question back at Inui. It wasn’t like Koko had done much to answer the question so in all fairness, Inui hadn’t really anticipated answering if the question was returned. But he wanted to be honest and open, even if they weren’t best friends anymore.
Inui bit down on his lower lip, teeth raking his lip as he thought over the question. To be honest or to lie, he was never really good at the latter. He was too blunt, too honest with his feelings and his thoughts. It was probably why the only person who really tolerated him so deeply was Draken. Never had he met a kinder soul. He hoped that Aiofe would be kind back, because it was what Draken really deserved. Kindness. “I’m here because I don’t want to go home.” Truthfully, he was going to work on a project and probably sleep in the upstairs apartment. He just wasn’t sure about Koko.
He couldn’t figure out what his intentions were. “Do you remember when you asked Shinichiro to teach you to play that guitar?” Koko asked.
The question caught him off guard, but he nodded. “He said he would. He was supposed to, but he died two days before he could.” Inui answered. They had a plan for them to meet once a week and Shinichiro would teach him. But that had never panned out. It should have, but it hadn’t.
“And then I offered to pay for you to get lessons.” Koko commented. Which was also true. But Inui had always felt uncomfortable using Koko’s money. Whether he made it on his own or if his parents had given him money. He always felt so out of his element.
Inui sighed, “Yeah. You were pissed that I wouldn’t let you. What does that have to do with anything?” He supposed he wouldn’t mind reminiscing but he felt a little awkward.
Koko moved, arm around the top of the couch as he faced Inui. His cheeks were a little pink from the cold still, his nose, too, but he looked so different. Bits and pieces of the old Kokonoi remained, but he looked sharper. Thinner. He looked like he’d lost something that he couldn’t ever get back. “Every piece of this room is a clear memory for me. All of it leads back to you. I came here to be alone but I found you instead. I can’t help but wonder if that means something.”
Inui found himself a little speechless in response. “What would it mean, Hajime?”
Koko shrugged. He looked almost as dumbfounded as Inui felt. He glanced down at his hands resting in his lap. “I have a confession to make. And you’re allowed to be mad at me. When we were younger, after Akane had passed, I kissed you.” Inui watched him. He thought about that, but there was something else. Something more that he had to grasp. “I once almost kissed Akane, but she told me to kiss the person I actually like. So I did.” He looked over at Inui, eyes glittering in the dim light.
Inui swallowed. The thing was, he knew about the first part. While he had been asleep, he had remained conscious enough that he had registered that his friend had kissed him on the lips. He never knew how to bring it up, never knew if he could or should, but now felt like the wrong time to tell him that he already knew. “Why tell me now?”
“I don’t know that I’ll have a better time to tell you. It feels nice though. Telling you things.” Koko admitted. It had been such a long time since the last time they had been so sincere with one another. Inui felt about the same way. It was nice to clear the air even if he already knew about what Koko had confessed to doing so many years ago.
Inui frowned though as he leaned in closer. “What’s going on?” He sensed trouble in Koko’s words and he had a feeling he wasn’t wrong about it. Though he couldn’t be sure what the trouble was, something felt off.
Kokonoi mirrored his frown. “I can’t really talk about it.” That sent a curling ball of distress through Inui’s guts as he tried to decipher the meaning behind what Koko said. All he wanted to do was get to the bottom of it. Understand him again. But it felt as though Kokonoi wasn’t going to allow him to do that. He understood on one level, but mostly he was upset by the unevenness of them now. “I’m sorry.” He added as the silence set in. Inui supposed that was the most sincere thing he had said all night.
“No,” he shook his head. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t pry.” Inui chanced his luck, moving his hand to push strands of Koko’s hair behind his ear as they sat together. Before he could separate, he felt Koko take hold of his hand with his own and they locked eyes, staring at one another. It felt like an invasion of privacy but there was nothing but warmth behind both of their touches. Inui had trouble overlooking that.
They sat inches from one another, ever since Inui had leaned in to talk softly with Koko. Like they were in the middle of a party and all they could do to hear one another was to lean in and talk, with words reserved only for each other. “I can’t tell you much.”
“You don’t have to,” Inui replied. He wasn’t sure when Koko had reciprocated, moving in closer until they were so close that he could feel Koko’s warm breath on his face. He smelled like mints. He could almost smell his shampoo, too, from here. He had never even dreamt that he would be this close to Koko again.
Koko searched his face before he asked the question that seemed to linger on his mind. “Are you sure?” He looked somewhat relieved by the notion. Inui nodded before his body again moved all on its own. He wished he had better self-control but when it came to Koko, he couldn’t help but react, even if it was irrational. His lips hovered over Koko’s and he saw through half-lidded eyes that Koko wasn’t moving away from him, simply waiting and watching instead. Then he playfully remarked, “Is this supposed to be my Christmas present?” A small smile pulled at the corners of his mouth despite how serious he was trying to present himself as.
Then Inui closed the distance between them, kissing him softly. Their kiss was experimental, shy, as they continued to feel each other out. Eventually, though, Inui pressed more into the kiss, a hand on the side of Koko’s face as he kissed him deeper. He heard a soft sigh leave Koko’s lips as he leaned in closer, until Inui lost his balance and fell backward onto the other side of the couch. Teeth and noses bumped as they continued kissing, now onto a messier rhythm as both laughed at the awkward angle.
It was Koko who pulled away. “You know, I was going to break in here but I saw the light on. I just had to know who the owner was.” He teased.
Inui chuckled. “You can break into places now? What are you, a little criminal?” He teased back, looking up at Koko as he looked down at him. “Really embraced the delinquent past, huh?” He added.
Koko stuck his tongue out at him. “Once a delinquent, always a delinquent. Right? I heard about your fist fight that nearly landed you in jail.” He pointed out. Then he smiled again. This time it was a little more wicked. “I was the one who got you out of that.” He added. “I figured you had a good reason for hitting someone. What was it?”
Inui blinked. He had been released with no questions, but he had never really wondered how that had happened. He was only glad that he had gotten out and that Draken had been able to pick him up. “Oh. Some guy made fun of the way I dressed. Said some shit about me wearing heels. So I decked him.”
Koko laughed, then Inui laughed. “How did you find out?” Inui asked after a few seconds of silence between them, after the laughter had subsided.
“I know about a lot of arrests that happen. It’s not a big deal.” He looked uncomfortable, fidgeting slightly with Inui’s hair as he remained on top of him. “Keep yourself out of trouble, though, okay? I know you’re tough or whatever, but don’t accidentally land yourself in trouble that I or someone else can’t get you out of.”
“How are you getting me out of things? Money?” Inui asked. He had to know. Now that they were here, and Inui had kissed Koko, he had to know more. He knew that he wouldn’t get much out of Koko, but he had to try.
Koko’s lips tightened to a thin line and then into a frown. “I can’t tell you. All I can say is that you can’t follow me. And I can’t talk to you about anything I’m doing. I worked hard to keep you safe. To keep you out of everything. So don’t look for trouble, okay?”
He felt Koko kiss his forehead before pulling away entirely, sitting down on the edge of the couch which allowed Inui the ability to sit up again and look him over. He looked on edge, but Inui couldn’t really figure out why. He wasn’t pushing. But he also was nervous. This might be the last time he ever talked to Koko.
He wanted to at least try to find a way around that. As Koko stood, bundling himself back up like he was ready to leave, Inui stood up as well. He took hold of his hand and then asked, “Could I have your phone number? Or can I give you mine? I won’t follow you if you promise to keep in touch.” He had to at least give it a try.
Koko shook his head. “I can’t give you my number. Really, we shouldn’t be talking at all.” He brought a hand to Inui’s face, stroking the skin before he offered a tiny smile. “It’s been really nice to see you. When this particular holiday comes around, I always think of you and your sister. I miss your family.”
“They’re your family, too.” Inui insisted. He followed as Koko tried to make his way back to the main entrance. They were in front of the service desk when Inui grabbed hold of Koko’s arm and pulled him back. He stumbled a little but turned, glaring at Inui a little bit. He looked like he was tearing up, but holding back. “Hajime, please.”
“I can’t, Seishu.” He repeated. “Don’t you think I’d love to see you? But it would be risky and you could get hurt, or worse. I would rather keep my distance.” Koko remarked as he tried to fight to get his arm back.
“We’ll be careful, I promise. Whatever you’re involved in, I’ll be careful and so will you. You can’t come back randomly one Christmas and not expect me to at least try to find a way to see you again. You know that.” Inui continued. “Don’t make me beg. Please.”
Koko blinked and then mumbled a few curses under his breath before he picked up a pen from the service desk and handed it to Inui. He then pulled up his jacket sleeve and presented his arm to him. “Write your number down.” Inui quickly did just that. He wrote as legibly as possible, trying his very best to make it perfect in case it got smudged. He wanted it to be easily read no matter the condition.
“You’ll call or text me?” Inui asked.
Koko nodded. “I’ll call you tomorrow. I don’t know what time, but I will.” He looked nervous again, like he had butterflies flying in circles in his stomach. But Inui hoped that he would call. No matter what was going on, he would do anything to have Koko back.
He watched as Koko left, disappearing into the blizzard in a dark red coat. Despite being stranded at the shop, he was certain that this was the best Chrisrtmas yet.