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I have been staring at this blank page for a while, my mind filled with ideas, scenes, and words, but no thought, at least none coherent enough to type down.
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Consciousness hits me like a truck as I straighten my posture and glance at my surroundings, my room an utter mess. I’ve been disassociating for a while, trying to think of a new story to write.
Is it a new story or just another skin of a story someone else has written.
I know what I want to say, but I don’t know how to say it.
It’s been difficult to write a story, especially since I met him.
Since returning back from the hollow my stories have improved significantly, but I can’t help but feel like I am being held back by some underlying feelings that spill onto my stories. I mean a story about a hollow raider falling in love with an HIA officer. A proxy looking for her husband who she lost in the hollow. Some sort of forbidden romance mixed with the usual action that I write with.
I think back to my most recent interaction with Wise, going to the store to explore some rumors of a haunting, while the stuff mentioned on the post was proven scientifically, the lights went out to both of our shocks. My instincts took over and my tentacles happened to grab Wise. He reacted almost immediately to the sudden coldness surrounding him. I hadn’t realized until he explained what he felt, thankfully before the lights turned on I was able to release him. He was shaken from the experience but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him the truth so I left pretty quickly.
I went for inspiration, but only managed to embarrass myself as my tentacles had a mind of their own.
Hmmmm a power that works unconsciously, but still obeys orders. Maybe I can do something like that. I think about how to include this idea into the story, maybe a hero who can subconsciously control a deadly power, maybe through a cursed blade, an evil spirit who believes that justice is cutting down all evil, but the wielder conflicts with its goal, especially since her beloved is a proxy from a condemned group, who is working illegally to reveal some truth.
I think about it for a brief moment before discarding that idea. Too much on the nose, while I love worldbuilding, I work best with oneshots, unless I intend on making this a full fledged book I don’t want to extend past 1 chapter, and this idea seems too grand to be 1 chapter. Perhaps it's about time I considered publishing a novel.
Nah, too many things to do, I like the ability to freely post on the interknot.
I get up stretching my limbs, and making my way to the mess of blankets on top of my bed, and I wrap myself up, maybe a warm nap can ease my mind a bit.
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It has been many days since I last tried writing, my days suddenly filled with commissions, proxy work, and pretty thankfully some time with Wise. Although finally I found some time, in between these 2 commissions. It’s not much time, but it’s enough to sit down and think for a moment, jot down some ideas, type out some dialogue, and edit some things.
I open my laptop and see the empty document where I had previously tried writing a new story, I pause, staring at the screen for a while, then I move onto a story that I've been editing for some time. I immediately get to work, deleting some dialogue, rewriting scenes, changing some order of events, and adding more detail to scenes, character actions, before my alarm goes off, my time is now up, another commission. I grab my hammer and head to Port Elpis where I’m meeting the raiders for their commission. Maybe I’ll take a break in the hot spring after this, I wonder if the proxy siblings would want to come?
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It’s late, but this is my only time to type, I’ve been unusually busy, even more so than before, days filled with commissions, meeting up with friends, and it has been some time since I have seen wise, but his eyes have always been on my mind, especially since I went to the hot spring a couple days ago. It was late, a few people were there, but they left soon after they saw me, but what really made the night were the stars. So beautiful, different colored specks littering the dark sky, on a purple, blue gradient background. The half corrupted moon adds contrast to the dark colors.
Soon I am thinking about their eyes. Him and his sister have the same eyes, cosmic blue rings holding bright stars of empathy. Yet I feel more drawn to his, maybe it’s because I saw his first, after a long night of slumber, using myself to support the drowned ideals of others. That haunted town still haunting me, in a way, was I really ready to give myself up for others? I doubt myself now, but maybe back then it was a done deal.
Now I’m here, the reason to continue being him
His words encouraged me to start a new story of my own, not letting his or the others story define my own, but now it’s hard to imagine my story without his.
I remember the feeling when I finally reached Failume heights during its golden hour. The sun reflecting on the many windows, the faces no longer a blur of rainbow mist, and for the first time ever it felt right, Lucia eagerly talking to me about her ethereal research. Finally meeting Alice and Yuzuha, I met them online but now seeing their faces, their eagerness to talk to me, it felt comforting, warm, but seeing his blue eyes contrast to the golden glow of the area really solidified what I felt.
I type, No real thought into it, just the words that come to mind, soon a letter is formed, a love letter. Soon it is complete, and before I could feel an ounce of shame, anxiety, or doubt I quickly post it to interknot, maybe they’ll see it, maybe they won’t, maybe they’ll tell me about it, or maybe they’ll ignore it. So many maybes that can change my world, but if maybe they at least read it, i’ll be happy.
“Oh I really hope, they’ll like this story”