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“NO!” I screamed, lunging my body forward as far as I could without falling over the railing. I try to catch her but her fingers slipped through mine as I attempt to keep her from falling to her death. I can’t save her though; I’m too late. I have to watch instead, horrified as her body plummets down to the river and breaks on contact with the water and I know she’s dead. I sink to the ground shaking unable to stand any longer after what I just witnessed. My world goes fuzzy as I sink to the ground. I don’t register any people or cars passing by, my brain consumed by the last image I saw of her broken body being taken away by the river.
“Excuse me?” I hear, as if it is from a great distance.
“Sir?” The same voice tries again but I don’t move at all, still stuck on the image that is imprinted on my brain. I feel something land on my shoulder and I jump in surprise, my head snapping towards the feel and colliding with something hard. I hear an ofh at the same time I make a similar noise of surprise, falling back onto my elbows. The pain clears my head and the world comes back into focus. I realize its now sunset and what I collided with seems to be the women on the pavement across from me holding the side of her head. I quickly get up and offer her my hand.
“I am so sorry miss. Please let me help you up.” She gives me a curious look but accepts my hand and lets me help her to her feet. Once she is standing she lets go of my hand and gives me a concerned look.
“Are you alright?” she asks looking me up and down as if surveying me for injuries.
“I’ll be fine. Thank you for asking.”
“Are you sure? You seemed pretty out of it at first there.”
“Yeah… I’ll be fine.” I said distractedly as I looked over the edge of the bridge staring down at the water that had consumed her only hours earlier. There was no evidence of it now. I was the only one who knew she was dead. This realization that I was the only one who knew what happened to her hit me like a ton of bricks and I stumbled forward grasping the railing to keep my balance.
“Whoa. Careful there.” I felt a hand land on my shoulder to steady me while she said “You wouldn’t want to fall in.”
At her words I choked and started convulsing, heaving the contents of my stomach onto the side walk. After my stomach has been emptied I start dry heaving as my knees buckle and I collapse to the ground.
“Sir!” I hear the women yell, but its as if she’s a 1000 miles away as my brain keeps replaying her words with the image of that women falling down to her death. My world shifts out of focus everything blurring, my head swimming. It felt like I couldn’t breath. Why couldn’t I breathe! Why couldn’t I see! Why couldn’t I hear! I felt something cold and hard come into contact with my body before my whole world went black.
When my world regained color again I was in a brightly light room. The light hurt my eyes so I quickly closed them again. As I slowly opened them again I hear a familiar voice. I look to my side and my mother is standing there talking quietly with the doctor.
“Mom” I croak out as I sit up in the bed. Her head whips around at the sound of my voice and she gives me a soft smile. She then turns back to the doctor and says something, he smiles at her and they both come over to me
“Where am I?” I ask furrowing my eyebrows. The last thing I remember is I was on that bridge. How did I get here? Why am I here?
“You’re in the hospital Andrew. You collapsed after having a panic attack. How are you feeling? Are you okay?” My mom shoots questions at me while surveying me with her eyes and feeling my forehead looking for anything that was wrong.
“I feel fine. I had a panic attack?” I looked between my mom and the doctor trying to find the answers to my question and all the ones swirling around my head in their faces and eyes.
“Yes, that’s actually what we wanted to talk to you about. Do you have any idea what could have caused it? Your medical record shows no prior problems or complications with panic attacks.” The doctor asked as he stepped forward and took a seat in the chair next to my bed, my mother perching on the edge holding my hand.
I think back to what happened on the bridge. How I saw that women fall to her death. And my breath starts coming in short quick gasps as my hands start to sweat. I wrap my arms around myself rocking back and forth on the bed trying to will the images of her falling, of her body broken on the river, of the river stealing her body away. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. I caused her to die; she was trying to grab my hand when she fell. My world blurs again, I hear a loud fast beeping as people try and call my name but they’re so far away. It’s all so far away. It’s my entire fault. I killed her. All of a sudden my world clears and I see the doctor moving away from my IV line. My body feels so heavy all of a sudden, I slump back into my bed my eyes feeling heavy, darkness pulling me down welcoming into its loving awaiting arms. Before I fall asleep I hear my mom say
“What’s wrong with Andrew? Why does this keep happening?”
“Because I watched her die mom” I hear myself say as if from a distance my words slurring together slightly before the darkness pulls me all the way down into it’s embrace.