Work Text:
‘My love
Dear Suho,
The sun of my life
You who brought life to my existence. It’s been a year and 2 months since you closed your eyes and never opened them again. It’s been a year and 2 months since I last felt alive.
I left my final breath when I didn’t give him the punishment he deserved. People called me crazy, my father (and even my mother, surprisingly) were worried about me. I’m pretty sure they were just worried that I ruined my future. It makes me angry. It doesn’t make sense to me how they don’t see it. There’s no future without you. You were -are- my future. You showed me how to live life in just less than 2 months when no one, not even my parents, could do it in all the miserable, insufferable years of my existence on this earth. You made me want to dream of the future.
You were an inevitable force in my life.
In a sense we were always meant to cross paths. You had said once that maybe we were married in our past life and I had this urge to hit you on the head. But now, now that I have had more than a year to think about it, I think you were right. How else can this feeling be explained? We met, we fought and it felt like everything fell to place. It felt right. Not the chair throwing or the punches, but you. You and me. I’m not a religious person or someone that believes in past and future lives, but I think I’ll start believing. No words can explain what you mean to me.
Maybe we were married in our past lives. Maybe we were a man and a woman in love. Or maybe, we were two men in love against all odds. That suits us doesn’t it? Our bond never followed the norm. Maybe we were two best friends that never had the courage to be more. We were in war and we died next to each other. Our love was bigger than life so it carried through the years and lifetimes until we met again. If you ever read this you will call me a psycho and a bastard for the crazy things I’m writing. That’s what grief does to you. It follows you around, until you have no choice but to face it. Everyone was so confused on why I acted that way. We were friends for less than 2 months after all. But it wasn’t just that for me. And I think it wasn’t just that to you, too.
I can’t call it love. That’s too small of a word for what I feel. It’s almost offensive to put my feelings in the same group with all those other people. They feel love but I don’t. I feel so much more. It’s adoration, admiration, infatuation. Can this be called obsession? An unhealthy, dangerous commitment? I don’t care. They wouldn’t understand. No one could but you. Or I hope you could. I hope, if you read this, you nod your head and agree. ‘I understand Sieun-ah’ you’d say and give me a small private smile. The one that make your eyes shine a little bit brighter, that makes my skin feel too tight, my breath too shallow, my heart too faint. The smile that makes me look away quickly, because how could I possibly look at the sun for too long without feeling lightheaded and dizzy?
You are my sun. I don’t think I can pretend now. Why would I? This is my heart, laid bare for you to read and consume. I refuse to lie here. My sun, my hope, my future.
I don’t really sleep. I refuse to. Whenever I do, I see you. Laid on the cold floor of the boxing ring, alone. Sometimes you just lay there and the moment feels eternal, while I am not allowed to look away. Sometimes you get up and blame me for everything, for coming in your life and ruining it. Sometimes you get up and walk past me like I’m not ever worth a glance.
But the worst of all my dreams is when you look at me. You’re in the hospital bed and you’re awake and you look at me with warmth in your eyes. You reassure me that I’m not to blame for anything. I was a kid and you were too, and we both shouldn’t have to go through that. I hate that dream the most. I know that it’s my brain trying to rid me of the guilt. How dare it do that. Our dreams are manifestations of our life, conscious and unconscious. My brain is trying to tell me that I didn’t do anything wrong, manifesting itself in the form of you. I hate it. It is using you for my advantage. It makes me sick. I will forever carry the guilt.
I don’t believe in past and future lives but I think I’ll start believing from now on. Maybe we were married in our past lives. And maybe we’ll be married in our next one too. We’ll find each other without the ugliness of our present life. Maybe we’ll become friends in kindergarten and never seperate until we realise our feelings along the line and get married. Maybe we will meet in college, I’ll be studying law and you’ll be studying engineering. We crossed paths because of a mutual class or mutual friends. Or maybe we bump into each other and immediately feel the connection. We fall in love and get married. Maybe we’ll meet as co-workers, me a senior at work and you as the newbie. The firm doesn’t allow relationships between co-workers but we date in secret until one of us gets offered a new job somewhere else and we can date openly, in peace. We’ve already fallen in love and we get married soon after.
Am I selfish for hoping we meet again? With the pain I’ve caused you I should want you to never cross paths with me again. I should hope, pray that you never meet me again, so you can be happy and safe. I know that’s the right thing to say but. I don’t know if I can give you up. I can’t. My body, my soul is intertwined with yours in a way. I hope you don’t get too angry for wanting to see you again and again and again.
No matter the lifetimes I’m certain my love will never stop for you. My soul will stick around to wait for you, endlessly, eternally. I know I’m selfish but I want yours to do the same.
I’m not sure what I wanted to say with this letter. My mother decided to send me abroad. My new school is even more violent than ours and she’s scared things will escalate again. I found people that wanted to be my friends again, but I couldn’t do it. I was scared of the outcome and..well..I would keep comparing them to you. I did it already. It makes me miss you even more. It makes me realise once again how no one in this world can come close to Ahn Suho for Yeon Sieun.
But, Suho-ya
You’re not waking up. And I’m tired of not sleeping. I don’t know if I can hold on any longer. I’m scared of losing you. I’m scared of getting that call, that damned call that lets me know I’ve lost the light of my life. Will you forgive me if I go first? I never gave up hope but I’d rather die than not be close to you. My mother sending me away means I won’t be able to visit you. Seeing your chest moving is my only shed of sanity that i have left. I refuse to lose that. Life means nothing without you. You are my life, my sun, my hope, my future. I hope we meet again in our next life. Let’s get married then.
Forever and always yours,
Yeon Sieun’
Trembling hands curled the letter while tears fell on to it. ‘Yah, Yeon Sieun. How come we can’t be awake at the same time huh? I’m here, you psycho.’ Suho fell to the muddy ground and let the sun hit his face.
‘It’s so unfair. Why did it have to be so sunny today? It should be raining. That’s how it is in the movies.’
He gets closed to Sieun and looks at his face. ‘I’m sorry for making you wait so long. I should have come to you sooner. You told me I’m your sun but you don’t know the half of it. You’re my moon. The one that brings me peace and allows me to sleep and rest peacefully at night. The one that grounds me, calms me down. You bring the stars in my sky and allow me to wish. I didn’t know I could do that, not before you. You think I saved you, but you’re wrong. You saved me. My saviour, my moon and stars. You should have waited a couple more months.’ Suho’s hand lifts from the ground and strokes Sieun’s face in the photo. No light in those eyes, not how they shined when they looked up at Suho.
‘Is this punishment? Or is this how it’s supposed to be? The sun and the moon never meant to find each other. What a cliche huh? Maybe you would have looked at me with your most unimpressed face by now and then walked away without a word. I would have followed you. I would have followed you everywhere.’
The grave is small, nicely kept, probably from the workers, with flowers on it. ‘I understand, Sieun-ah. My Sieun. My Yeon Sieun. My love. I’ll find you in the next lifetime. Let’s fall in love again. Let’s get married then.’