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Will Byers was scared of a lot of things.
He was scared of throwing up, even before Vecna had possessed him, the crawling feeling of sludge wedging its way out of his throat has always creeped him out. It felt unnatural, nothing should ever come out that way, but when you felt sick enough, it was kind of freeing, made your stomach feel lighter.
He was scared of the dark. Anything could hide in the shadows when the lights were low enough and it could come and get you, like the demogorgon had come and gotten him all those years ago. He had tried to fight back, of course he had, but he wasn’t strong enough, and that’s also something Will was scared of, not being strong enough. He knew that he needed to be when he wanted to beat Vecna alongside his friends, but it was just so hard. And sometimes it was just sickeningly easy to be weak and give up.
Because in the end, the thing Will was afraid of the most was losing his friends and his family. Hawkins was full of horrible monsters that were hiding in every corner and crevice and Will was so scared that something could happen to his friends, the people who meant the absolute world to him. The people who helped him all his life, who never made him feel like he was an outcast, like he didn’t belong.
Well, at least they tried not to make him feel that way, but it wasn’t always that easy when he just felt so painstakingly different sometimes. It wasn’t their fault, Will knew that, but his organs got all tangled up in each other when he thought about how badly he wanted to be like them. It wasn’t fair, not to them nor to himself, but he couldn’t stop it.
And they had helped as good as they could without knowing the details, above all Robin who was the only person in the whole wide world who knew his secret, a secret he had thought he needed to take to the grave, a secret he had never intended to voice as long as he lived, and she made him feel like maybe there was a chance, even if it was just slim, that he could be like everyone else. That nobody would think he was weird or disgusting or different, because being different was his biggest fear of all.
And Will knew how selfish that sounded, but he couldn’t help the panic that seeped into him whenever he thought about himself and who he was, the panic that was bright and frayed around the edges and made his stomach hurt until he locked the secret back into the dusty attic at the very back of his brain. At least until Robin came along. Robin who was just like him and who showed him that maybe you could be normal even when you technically weren’t. For the first time in his life Will allowed himself to feel hope.
That’s how he was able to channel Vecna‘s powers too, because he finally took a good, long look in the mirror and didn‘t feel a surge of helplessness wash over him. He thought that maybe everything could turn out just fine. That thought hadn‘t left him that easily either, because it had worked, for fuck‘s sake! For a moment he was really powerful, him, Will Byers. He‘s been zombie boy for all his life and now he could finally help his friends and make sure they were alright. That was more than he ever dreamed of, and if that could go hand in hand with his identity, then even better.
But of course Vecna couldn’t just let him have that. Obviously not. He made him his spy for one last time and Will didn’t just cry tears of blood, slick tracks making their ways down his cheek, spilling clear, hot tears that burned all the way over his skin. Vecna used him. He did it to harm his friends and Will wasn’t able to stop him.
And worst of all, Vecna showed him these things. Just when Will had thought he could accept who he was, Vecna had come along as always and showed him these gruesome, horrible, cruel things that normally only ever played at the very back of Will‘s mind when he couldn’t sleep and stared at the ceiling instead. Then, a fear so deep and nagging held onto his bones that Will would shake no matter how thick the blanket he hid under was.
There was no escaping the images and Vecna pulled them right at the forefront of his mind.
All his friends finding out who he truly was. Their faces floating before his, painted in various states of disgust, all pointing at him with unsettling long fingers and sometimes even laughing at him. This is who you really are, William? They seemed to say. You’re so fucking weird. I can’t believe we were friends with you, we could have never known you were a fag.
The last word threw him off the most. It was dripping with venom and they used it like a weapon, like his father had, like his bullies always have because for some reason god gave the meanest fucking kids at the playground the best knowledge of human nature. Maybe he was just cruel like that or maybe Will deserved it for thinking the thoughts he did, especially about Mike. The bullies had always known, hadn’t they? It just wasn’t fair.
And if Will wanted to keep being strong, which he had to, he fucking had to, he needed to do something about this. It scared the living shit out of him, but he needed to do something if he liked it or not. He wanted to be weak and a coward so bad, but if it meant Vecna could bring him and his friends apart, he couldn’t allow himself to be. If Robin had done it, Will could do it, that’s what he told himself over and over as he approached his mom at WSQK.
It was probably best to start with her, she deserved the truth and Will really hoped she’d take it positively. I mean, you could never know, but Joyce was his mother after all. It was her job to love him unconditionally and so far she had always lived up to that expectation, so Will thought it was smart to start with her. Safe.
He sat her down and his hands were so sweaty and he was just so, so scared. He hated Vecna for making him do this. It should be his own choice, he should get to say when and where he was ready, but Vecna just took that from him and there was nothing he could do about it either. It was better than her finding out through another way. Will could just imagine the disappointment in her eyes when she would realize her son has been holding this huge, shameful secret from her. They were a family and she always told him how he could trust her with everything, but Will didn’t want to trust her with this.
He didn’t want to trust anyone else with this, at this point. He didn’t feel like he was ready, but that didn’t matter now, did it? Vecna had once again destroyed an aspect of his teenage years, but hey, old news. Will‘s lips were chapped. He‘d been biting them all day since he had woken up.
The Squawk was crawling with people, the entire group was there. Everyone had something to do, which was why it was especially hard to sneak his mother away for just a few minutes. It was hard to find the right words, so before he was able to even speak them, Mike came in and burst the little bubble they had created for themselves. Will took a deep breath of relief and he realized it was because he didn’t have to say it yet. This little distraction was just the right thing. As soon as he noticed the traitorous direction of his thoughts, he wanted to slap himself. They really didn’t have time for this type of shit.
Before Mike had the chance to disappear again, Will called out to him, stopping him dead in his tracks. He needed to hear this too. Probably even more than his mother. It was important to Will that at least Mike finally understood. Even if he didn’t reciprocate his feelings, at least his heart would feel a little less heavy and a little less like it was bearing the world‘s most shameful secret.
It was silly to think of it like that. There were certainly worse things than being gay. Hell, Robin managed and she was probably the most cheerful person Will knew, so how could it even be that terrifying?
Mike sat down with them at the table next to Joyce and now Will could look at both their faces when he did what he was supposed to do, and he didn’t know if that was a good thing or a scary thing. He knew he should get the others too. Not everyone of course. It already took all his courage to tell it to this little people, let alone a huge group, but at least some of them deserved the truth as well. Dustin, Lucas and Max, at least. Obviously Jonathan, even though Will suspected he might already know.
After the whole painting thing in the van, he kept looking at him like that. Will wasn’t sure, but Jonathan was his brother and he probably knew him better than anyone else in the whole world, so he deserved to be here, but if Will left this room right now, he’d probably run away and hide and he couldn’t keep doing that, not when he needed to be brave.
„Are you okay, Will?“, Mike ripped him out of his thoughts, big brown eyes focused solely on him and Will‘s heart skipped a beat. He took the deepest breath his lungs could muster and ran a hand through his hair. It had grown out a bit, no longer in the hideous bowlcut his mom always made him get. He knew it was weird to just sit here and say nothing, but Will wanted to drag this out for as long as he could. Well, actually he just wanted to get this over with, but that meant he would have to start talking and he definitely didn’t like the sound of that.
„Mike.“ The both of them looked as startled as Will felt. He hadn’t expected himself to say something so suddenly, but there was no going back now. He closed his eyes for one brief moment and thought about what Robin had told him for one last tine, swallowing the saliva that was making it impossibly harder for his tongue to move.
„We‘ve been bullied all our lives. You know what it feels like to be different. It’s not like we did anything wrong, it‘s just about who we are in the end. We couldn’t do anything about it, we were just children, victims. I never got why kids were that cruel, and not even just them. The teachers never really did anything either. Remember Troy? Remember when he shoved you so hard you sprained your knee in third grade? And when you asked what that was for, he just shrugged and he told you that you have an ugly fucking face, like a frog. And I never got it. I never got why.“
Mike was watching him with great intent, something unsure simmering in his eyes, as if he didn’t know what Will wanted to say with this little story. It was a wide shot, but to Will it all made sense, and he didn’t know a better way to describe what he was feeling to Mike and his mom. His poor, loving, caring mom. He had never really told her about the bullying back then. She was already worried enough as it was, that would probably have given her the rest.
Right now, her mouth was slightly agape, hands laying flat on the table and her fingers twitched as if she wanted to reach out and pull him in. Will was going to let her, as soon as he has finished what he needed to say. There were tears pricking behind his eyes already, and he had to force his voice into a steady line when he kept talking, so no tears would fall.
„But there was nothing to get. He had no fucking reason whatsoever. He just was an asshole and he felt like it and you were different and he knew it and you knew it and all of us knew it. But I still liked you, because you were nice. You were a good friend and we had fun together and I didn’t care that you were an outcast, because I was one too and you weren’t even all that different. Everyone just wanted you to think that.“
Will wiped an embarrassing tear that slid down his cheek in hopes that nobody would notice. Mike‘s and Joyce‘s eyes followed his movement, and his mother sniffled, her bangs falling into her wide, watery eyes. Mike‘s adam‘s apple bobbed audibly and he leaned further over the table, apparently to be closer to Will and he wasn’t sure if he even noticed or if it was subconscious.
„And just because you liked D&D and they didn’t, that didn’t make you wrong in any way. Just because you didn’t play football all day that didn’t make you any less human. Just because you enjoyed physics when they were too stupid for it, that didn’t give them the right to treat you that way.“
„Will-“, his mother began, but Will raised an arm to signalize her to be quiet. The words were just welling up now and there was no chance for him to keep them bottled up inside any longer. They wanted out and they wanted out now. Will‘s tears were flowing freely at this point.
„The right people still like you, even if you’re not like them and I‘m… I‘m not like any of you. I just hope you can accept that, because I know you’re not at all like Troy.“ He put one hand on top of his mother‘s and she immediately placed her second onto the mix, cradling Will‘s hands like he’s something sacred and special, like he’s actually worth something. He was too shy to put his other hand onto Mike‘s, instead he rested it on the table before his, so close that their fingers were almost touching. Mike looked like he was fathoming something to say, but Will continued before he got the chance to.
„I was just so fucking scared all my life and just when I thought I could accept who I am, Vecna made me doubt myself again. So I decided I‘d tell you, because then Vecna can’t take that from me. This moment“ He squeezed his mom‘s hand and she squeezed back. Mike‘s middle finger grazed over his so lightly, Will would have missed it if he wasn’t living through this moment so intently.
„Because I‘m not like you. I don’t want a girlfriend, not at all.“ He looked up and met Mike‘s eyes and he seemed so rattled. Will gulped. „When I imagine my future, I don’t see myself with a family in a nice little house, bringing home the money for my wife and children. I don’t see a wife at all.“ Will interrupted himself with a shaky little sob at the end.
„I‘m different. And I‘m so scared right now, but I‘m way more scared of Vecna. Of losing all of you. So I‘ll just tell you freely. I‘m gay. I don’t like girls. I‘m- I‘m gay.“ Will was afraid of what he‘d see on their faces as soon as he looked up, but he didn’t even have time to find out, because immediately after he finished talking, Joyce basically jumped over the table and wrapped her arms around him in a crushing hug.
Will buried his face in the chocolate waves of her hair and clawed his fingers into the back of her shirt, holding himself in place as he let himself be hugged like hasn’t since he was five years old. Joyce smelled like coconut conditioner and laundry detergent and Will got hit by a wave of nostalgia so strong, his knees would buckle if he wasn’t already sitting down. He sobbed into the crook of his mother‘s neck and it felt so freeing to finally have everything said between them.
Mike rounded the table, clutching onto Will from the other side, his cheek resting against the back of Will‘s head and it was like a weight lifted from the darkest depths of his soul. Nobody hated him now. His eyes were burning and he just let himself be held for a moment longer. It was all too much for his brain at the moment. He had really done it. He had told them. Nobody hated him. Nobody thought he was gross. Nobody laughed at him, pointed at him, turned their back on him.
Mike‘s one hand was placed on his shoulder and it squeezed him tightly, as if to signal that everything was alright. Will believed it. For a second he truly believed it. He could do this. He could. His mother‘s hair was wet from tears and he was shaking from sobs, but Joyce kept him pressed to her chest, enveloped in her arms where he felt safer than anywhere else and Mike‘s hands was on his shoulder where it belonged and for a second everything could be okay.
Mike’s hand was on his shoulder and it squeezed.
His mother hugged him. Mike hugged him. They knew he was different and they didn’t care, they still loved him. Mike squeezed his shoulder. His hand was on Will‘s shoulder and it squeezed. It squeezed.