Chapter Text
”have you ever ghosted someone?”
normal question to literally anyone in the world—except for han jisung.
.
eveyone in the group had silently agreed to never talk about what happened in their 5 star era, so they kept to it
the 5 star era was quite the rough patch for one particular member named han jisung.
his mental health plummeted for no apparent reason one afternoon on a tuesday.
his social anxiety had always been bad, but it just got worse—like i said—on a random tuesday afternoon.
months of not treating it and going on stage 5 times a week ended up in him going no contact for a full day.
but everything was fine and the wounds were healed—right?
.
“have you ever ghosted someone?”
clearly the wounds weren’t fully healed.
all it had to do was not land on him—then everything would be fine, right?
his social anxiety was gone—he told himself he wouldn’t—stop—don’t land on—
“me?”
changbin’s voice snapped him out of his spiral, momentarily easing his worries.
he lifted his head, greeted by the worried looks of staff members behind the camera. he just gave an awkward smile and glanced at the members
lee know was not happy what so ever.
the look on his face was one he rarely saw, but sent shivers down his spine. his gaze was set straight on the woman asking the questions—then he saw it
the sick smirk on the woman’s face as she looked straight at jisung, like she was expecting a thanks from him for not asking him the question
he just adverted his gaze to changbin, attempting to hide the fact that he was 5 minutes away from a panic attack.
.
grey colors flashed past the window as the car sped down the highway, the distinct colors almost gone in the gulf of the night.
jisung sat in the very backseat, cancelling out the sounds of his members talking about the interview
the interview
the questions were very weird in a parasocial way. some how, jisung kept getting the invading questions.
he ignored it until the one that opened healed wounds—have you ever ghosted someone?
“jisung-ah, you seem out of it” minhos voice rung through the car, the only voice he didn’t tune out
he looked over at minho, the earlier angry creases of his face now soft
“oh,” he started, his gaze falling back to the collage of colors outside of the window.
he fell silent, words wanting to spill out, but a lump in his throat kept him from doing so
what would he have said if he got asked the question? some stupid story from his teenage years or what the lady wanted to hear?
“jisung-ah?”
would he suffer from past wounds? what if he couldn’t recover this time? what if—
“Han.”
his voice was loud enough to catch the attention of the 6 other members—except han
he sat there, heart beating too fast for his liking, hands sweaty and shaking, and mind racing to fast to acknowledge words—sounds
he knew this feeling all to well, yet it was one he hadn’t felt for awhile—an old friend
the thing that was scary is that jisung was very difficult to rip out of a panic attack—and this was a bad one
his breath was so fast he was sure it could fuel a car—that’s funny—no it’s not—is it? i don’t know
i don’t know anything—who am i? get me out of here—please—i can’t breath—minho? minho i’m scared
minho, help me
but he couldn’t get anything out of his voice, it was like he was being chained back by a force he couldn’t even see
“han—han, talk to me, breath”
he could make out the soft sound of minhos voice and the sound of a car stopping—but cars were still speeding by. did they stop? no don’t stop for something stupid like this—stop, don’t—
“han jisung, talk to me—breath, deep breaths”
the first shaky inhale was torture, but slowly, his sense came back and he was met with a somehow calm minho
“m—minho?” he croaked, his hand finding its way to minho’s chest, feeling the steady beat of his heart
“yeah, it’s me. i’m here, no one is mad at you, you matter, okay?”
everything minho just said was what he was worrying about in his mind—was he reading my mind or just used to my worried questions after these attacks?
a blond bob peeked out from the seat in front not too long after—then 5 other black blobs
i could only guess that these were the members, but my vision was bad after these kinds of panic attacks, so my eyes were set on lee know and his disgustingly beautiful platinum hair
“do you need to sit a minute or can we get on the road again? we’re 5 minutes from the dorms”
han thought for a moment, stuck between staying here and being held by lee know or going back to the dorm.
he didn’t want to be a burden and decided on going to the dorms “we can go back to the dorms”
“Sir, you can start driving again”
Lee know called to the driver, sitting back in his seat.
.
the next hour was a blur to han; being carried inside the dorms by who he can only assume is lee know, being laid down on his bed, then passing out
his dreams weren’t too peaceful either
a gulf of darkness took over the entire dorm, sucking in everyone he loved including lee know.
he was stuck in a internal darkness with eyes staring straight at him—a true nightmare indeed
he woke up not too long after with a gasp and a cold sweat
he pressed a hand to his chest as he caught his breath, checking the surroundings to make sure it was real.
Cold seeped into his legs as he stepped on the tile. he walked the halls, hugging his sweater tight around himself
As he often did after nightmares, he just wandered. he never really knew where he was going or if he was looking for everyone—just looking.
Water droplets ran down the wall length window in the living room he shared with lee know since they lived together.
Unexpectedly, he found himself racing the droplets—the slower ones himself and the faster ones people around him
He sat down against the window, letting his head bump the hard glass.
The lights seemed to engulf the city below, creating a sea of colors. He always became poetic late at night—in fact, he had no idea what time it was
“Han-ah?”
Minhos soft voice rung through the echoey apartment, his footsteps light against the tiles.
he sat down next to han, keeping his distance, yet, close enough that he could feel minhos warmth
“minho…”
he whispered, his voice barely audible. he looked into minhos eyes, the stress around his own slowly easing
“What are you doing up at this time? You’re supposed to be sleeping.”
minho scolded gently, a warm smile on his face betraying the tough act he was trying to put up.
“it’s not that l—“ 4:32 A.M. “Oh, i guess it is.”
he shrugged, his gaze falling back to the sea of lights down below. they seemed to blend like a dirty paint palette.
“Jisung-ah… Are you okay? panic attack and all?”
the question hung low in the air, stabbing han in already painful wounds.
“i—can i be honest?”
Han always asked, even when he knew minhos answer would be yes
“Don’t ask, just go ahead”
“I’m not—i don’t know what’s going on with me. One minute, i was fine—the other i’m losing my mind because wounds i thought were healed opened back up—minho, im scared—i don’t want to go back to having panic attacks every day, i dont.”
his voice cracked, and minho saw it;
the pure, raw terror in hans eyes
in one movement, minho pulled han into his arms, wrapped one arm around his waist and the other gripping the back of his hair.
“Don’t say that—you’re going to be okay, i don’t—just breathe with me.”
and in that moment, minho was scared about the comeback—or anything stressful in his life, really
he was scared of losing the man in his arms
.
winter was always han’s least favorite season for town reason; a hiatus from group activities for holidays and the cold
this time around, it was his favorite, he really needed that break.
usually he would go to his hometown to spend time with his family but everyone just so happened to fall sick
now he was stuck at the dorm with nothing to do and minho away at his parents house.
he was fine with doing nothing, his body felt too heavy to even make breakfast. his head felt light as well.
maybe he fell ill too.
grudgingly, he dragged himself off the couch to take his temperature.
102 degree fever, wow.
he sat back down, closing his eyes to try and get some sense of clarity.
until his mouth went dry.