Work Text:
Dear Cait,
As time goes by, the longing doesn't hurt any less, because I dreamed of you last night and woke up with the same remarkable pain my chest as every other time. We were in a huge and organized trailer, unlike the ones we spent the last eleven years in. You were wearing a white dress when you wrapped your arms around my body. You smelled like an angel, a perfume of lavender you were using the last time we saw each other. You rested your head against my chest, a little hesitant. Apparently, you weren’t sure if you were allowed to do that. At first, I didn't know why. I have to say, this initial insecurity caused a tightness in my heart. Although, it didn't take long for me to notice what the time we've been apart did to us. It installed a shy intimacy of those who no longer know if they still understand each other. Despite this initial hesitation, I soon pulled you into an embrace, and I felt at home. I was flooded with that feeling only your presence gives me: as if I were finally complete. As if the pieces eventually fell into the right place. We didn’t say anything, because the gesture alone said it all. I felt like I was your world, the way I always felt by your side.
Then I wake up. I wake up and face the harsh reality that you won’t be able to settle into my arms anytime soon, for several reasons. The first, and most obvious of all: your heart belongs to someone else. Twitter and the ring around your finger never let me forget that. I’m sure your husband wouldn’t be happy to see a scene like the one I dreamed of. And I also have a bit of common sense. The second reason is that we live completely separate lives. The only aspect of your life where I fit in — Outlander — has disappeared. Now there are very few situations in which we meet. When they do happen, we exchange only a few words, and circumstances pull us apart for the thousandth time. The last reason, and the saddest one, is that I am no longer to you what I once was. I am no longer your favorite boy, you don't look for my protection anymore. Watching you slowly disappear from my life has been harder than I ever imagined, because our friendship meant the world to me. I would have done anything you asked, simply because I loved you. You were my best friend. It is devastating to notice how little effort you make to remain even minimally present. I know you are incredibly busy, but I never asked for much. Just a happy birthday would have been enough.
I miss you so much, Caitriona. I miss you so deeply that I even dare to write your name. I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again. As much as I desire you, what I truly miss is our friendship. I want my best friend back.
With love and longing,
Sam