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*Tuesday*
How does one make the "right" choice when you have to confront both your heart and mind?
Looking back on the early days, the one where he often had to think about his next meals in advance or when his mom would forget to pick him up because she was going on another bender, if someone had told Justin that he’d be an official Jensen in a few days, he would have scoffed and thought about getting his next hit.
But here he was, sitting down in the Jensen’s kitchen with a stack of Matt’s famous pancakes in front of him. sets a glass of orange juice next to his plate while he poured a copious amount of syrup over his pancakes.
He hears soft patters coming from the hallway, seeing Clay rubbing his half-awaken eyes. “Morning,” Clay says, watching this domestic scene unfold before his eyes.
Justin looks up with his mouth full of pancake, “Clay, these are fucking amazing. You should have some.”
Lainie lets out a small smile, “Language, Justin.” She then looks at Clay, “Honey, sit down. Dad and I wanted to go over some logistics with you both about Friday.”
That was the big day. While Justin still wanted to keep his last name, Matt and Lainie would officially be his parents and Clay his brother. Truth be told, he had been anxious about the process since it all started. In some ways, it felt so quick and yet so unbearably slow at the same time. After Amber Foley had failed to show up in court for the adoption hearings, the court officially terminated her parental rights and moved forwarded with the adoption process relatively quickly. While he was initially relieved that everything was going as planned, Justin couldn’t help but feel a little bit disappointed that his mom didn’t fight for him, didn’t want him like the Jensens did.
“It will be a straightforward hearing. Justin, the judge will ask you a couple questions and confirm that you want to be adopted. You’ll respond and then it’ll be official,” Lainie explains.
Clay puts a hand on Justin’s shoulder, “Ready to be a Jensen?”
Justin scoffs, “You know I’m keeping my name.”
“Which is absolutely fine with us,” Matt interjects. “We just want to make sure that you’re happy and healthy and you still want to do this.”
Matt, Lainie, and Clay all stare at Justin for confirmation. He swallows his last bite of his pancake before he answers, “Guys, of course. I mean thank you for doing this.” He looks down at his plate, “I wouldn’t be here with you all. You saved my life.”
Out of his peripheral vision, he sees Matt take Lainie’s hand in comfort. “Of course, honey. And don’t forget about afterwards. Remember to be at home at 5pm sharp.”
Both boys nod at Lainie’s reminder. They had asked Justin if he wanted to do celebrate the adoption process. He said that he would get back to them, feeling unsure if they should even celebrate.
“I don’t know, man. I’m sure they already spent a lot of money with the adoption process and then with my rehab. I feel bad about them spending even more on me,” he admitted.
“Justin, it’ll be fine. We’ll probably order a bunch of pizza and we can invite the gang over. It’s not every day that they get a new son.”
Justin still seemed uncertain, scratching the back of his neck, “I’m not used to this.”
Clay stopped typing on his laptop and looked up at Justin and his fidgeting hands and slight pacing in front of Clay. “I know, but this is a good thing. You deserve to be celebrated. And they want to celebrate you. Look, you’re going to your meetings, grades are improving, sports... well you’re doing them, which they never had with me. So there are plenty of reasons to celebrate that fact you’re in our lives and here with us.”
Justin smiled and nodded, “Okay, you’re right. Thanks Clay.”
Justin tries to take all of this in stride, to really appreciate the lengths that the Jensens have gone through to adopt him. From getting him released to their emergency custody to having the state officially drop all charges in exchange for community service, he meant it when he said that they had saved his life. Without them, he would have gone back to Oakland long ago, scoring heroin and doing whatever he could to survive on the streets.
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*Thursday*
24 more hours until Justin’s hearing and he is wracked with nerves. He knows that deep down, the Jensens love him and only want the best for him. But that didn't stop him from feeling like the other shoe was going to drop, and his future would end before he knew it, like this was all too good to be true and eventually the Jensens would change their minds about him. If his mom didn’t want him, he couldn’t imagine them being any different, especially when he couldn’t do much to show that he was worth it. He had eaten all of their food, used up all of their hot water, and slept under their roof rent-free for months, and none of them had said a thing.
He even tried to repay them for it one night, handing Matt and Lainie a wad of cash at the dinner table. It must have been a couple of hundred dollars, held together by a rubber band.
“Justin, where did you get this?” Lainie asked.
Justin, unwilling to meet their eyes, cleared his throat, “My mom... It was a few months ago. I went to see her, to say goodbye. And she gave me it, sort of like a head start on life and surviving. Anyways, I know Clay says that he doesn’t pay rent, but I wasn’t sure if that included me. This should be enough to cover my stay here so far.”
Matt and Lainie exchanged looks with each other, concern clearly overtaking their facial responses. then lightly touched Justin’s arm, “Sweetheart, that’s not why we do this. While we love that you’re taking responsibility for yourself, you don’t ever have to worry about stuff like this. That’s our job.”
“Lainie’s right, Justin. We don’t expect anything from you. We just want you to be happy and healthy,” Matt said.
The young teenager nodded. His eyes were glossy, as if he could almost cry out of gratefulness and appreciation. He let out a choked expression, “Thank you. I mean it. My mom... she was always strung out and didn’t really remember stuff like paying bills on time or buying groceries whenever we had run out.”
"Honey, I know you cared for her, but that shouldn’t have been on you. You were just a kid. You still are a kid, and that’s how we expect you to behave. Coming home late after curfew or forgetting to do your chores. Typical kid stuff,” Lainie explained.
“Just ask Clay, he’s an expert in being a regular teenage kid,” Matt said to uplift the mood in the room.
Justin let out a small laugh. He sniffled, trying to stop before any tears fell and embarrassed himself any further.
Lainie took the wad of cash in her hands, “How about this? We won’t take this money to pay the bills or anything like that. But what we will do is set up a savings account and deposit this to the bank. We’ll manage the account until you’re 18 and then afterwards, it’s yours to do whatever you like. How does that sound?”
Justin nodded. Once again, here they were looking out for him and thinking about what was best for him and his future. “Yeah, that sounds good.”
Since then, every month, Justin checks on the account to confirm the balance. It’s not that he doesn’t trust Matt or Lainie, but he takes comfort in knowing that there is always a backup plan in place. It’s not that he intends to run, far from it. But he would be naive to think that everything would be all roses and daisies, especially after Hannah and Bryce and rehab
Clay enters the outhouse right as Justin finishes checking his savings account. To think, a year ago he didn’t even know how to even open a bank account, much less have money in it.
“Mom asked if you needed your suit ironed for tomorrow,” Clay asks.
Justin is about to respond when his phone buzzes on the table. He checks the incoming notification.
Mom: Can we please talk?
Justin stares at the message, debating whether to answer. His mom. The night before his adoption hearing. Maybe she found about the hearing. Maybe she changed her mind and wanted to keep him.
“Justin? What’s wrong?”
Justin barely pulls his eyes away from his phone to meet Clay’s eyes. “Nothing, yeah I’ll give her the suit right now,” Justin says. He gets up from the table and walks over to their closet to pull out the suit.
Clay tilts his head and looks down at Justin’s phone while watching Justin, “Is everything alright?”
Justin refuses to make eye contact with Clay and focuses on the suit in his hand, “Yeah, Jess asked if we could meet at Monet’s tonight. Sort of a study-date thing.” He tries to give his most convincing smile.
“But we don’t have another math test for another two weeks,” Clay says, trying to do the mental calculation in his head.
“Not that kind of study-date, Jensen. If you know what I mean.”
Clay nods, “Got it. Enough said. Well, have fun. Ani and I might go to the movies if you and Jess want to meet us later.”
“Um, sure. Let me ask Jess and I’ll let you know,” Justin says, heading for the door. “I’ll see you later.” He leaves before Clay can even say goodbye.
Justin takes the bus back to his old neighborhood. He keeps his hands in his pocket, breathing in the cold air while constantly looking over his shoulder as he walks to his old house. He didn’t have a plan. He didn’t know why Amber wanted to meet. Why now, rather than six months ago, when the court notified her of the termination of her parental rights?
He finally reaches his old house. Nothing about the house had changed. The same worn-down house with the chipped walls and peeling paint. The front lawn was unkept, with trash spewed all over the grass. He pushes the front gate forward and takes a step onto the property. The screen door was open. He knocks on the door, “Mom? It’s me.”
He doesn’t wait for a response and opens the door and turns into the living room. Jeopardy was quietly playing on the TV. He saw the sloppy mess on the coffee table, with cigarettes butts tossed everywhere and old TV dinners stacked up. He also takes quick note of the used needles and the white powder in the corner of the table.
“Honey!” Amber enters from the kitchen in the next room over and steps closer to pull her son in for a hug. “Oh my god, look at how much you’ve grown since the last time I called you.”
He smiles, taking in the hug for as long as he can. He didn’t think he had missed her so much, but having his mother in his arms reminded him that there were some good moments back then too, in the time where she tried to stay sober for him. “Yeah, the Jensens have been feeding me a lot.”
She lets him go to take a look at his face, “That’s good. I’m glad you have them.”
“Mom, why did you reach out?” he asks. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Amber’s eyes shift to the coffee table. “You know, just the usual.”
“Yeah, I can see that,” he says.
“I heard that you’ve been doing well, which is so great. I’m so grateful that the Jensens took you in. But listen, I’m in a bit of trouble. Seth and I broke up again. You know, he’s always had a flare for the dramatics. I’m a little bit short of funds and...” She says as she scratches her arms, where it was painstakingly obvious to see the injection sites. “Honey, you remember what’s that like...”
Justin takes a step back from Amber. His face drained of all color and for the second time in his life, his heart broke all over again. He’s almost speechless but somehow finds the will to clear his throat and open his mouth, “Mom, I’m in recovery. You’re asking me to help you buy drugs. You know I can’t do that.”
“Just this once, sweetheart. I promise. After this, I’ll get clean. I swear.”
Justin scoffs, “How many times have I heard that before?” He rubs his face up and down and groans, “I can’t believe I thought that you would- That you might-”
“What?”
“I don’t know, maybe choose me for once,” Justin says pointedly. He exhales. “The Jensens are adopting me tomorrow morning and I thought you wanted to meet because you wanted me back or something.”
Amber takes a deep breath and puts a hand on her son’s cheek, “Sweetheart, I can’t.”
His eyes get teary and he doesn’t know what to say. This went everything he had learned in rehab, but this was his mom. He debates trying to convince her to go to rehab, knowing that it won’t amount to anything, or just giving in as he always did before. Eventually his heart gives out, knowing how hard the cravings are to manage. At least some temporary relief was better than none at all. He painfully brushes his mom’s hand aside. He pulls out his wallet and hands her all the cash he had left. He leans in to give her a kiss on her head and says, “Take care of yourself, Mom. This is probably the last time we’ll see each other for awhile”
He walks out of the house, wiping away his tears as quickly as he can. He hears her calling his name, but he doesn’t stop. He mentally tells himself toughen up and that this was not the end of the world. By this time tomorrow, he’ll finally get what he’s always been silently yearning for: a family.
He walks for awhile with no specific destination in mind, knowing that he just wanted to walk until his heartbreak was gone.
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*Friday*
Clay wakes up the following morning, surprised to see that Justin’s bed was still made. He didn’t remember hearing Justin entering last night but he wasn’t ready to sound the alarm bells. He wasn’t supposed to tell, but sometimes Justin would stay over at Jess’s for their late-night shenanigans and force Clay to cover for him when Justin didn’t appear at the breakfast table.
He assumes that Justin slept over at Jess’s again and reaches for his phone.
Clay: I’d appreciate it if you could let me know if you play on sleeping over at Jess’s so I at least know to cover for you.
He enters the main house with a towel in hand, about to enter the bathroom when Lainie calls him from the kitchen. He walks down the hallways, “Morning.”
“Where’s Justin?” Matt asks as he’s stacking blueberry’s pancakes onto a plate – Justin's favorite.
“Oh, um, I guess he forgot to mention,” Clay snaps his finger. “He told me that he was going to head over to the gym early so he could get a quick workout in. You know, help him clear his mind before the hearing.”
Matt and Lainie turn to each other and psychically have an internal conversation between the two of them. Lainie finally speaks, “Maybe we should have checked in with him more seriously. What do you think, Clay? How has Justin been this week?”
Clay actually takes a second to consider this week and with all things considered, Justin did seem fine aside from last night. Clay shrugs, “I mean, he’s been a little bit nervous about the hearing, but that’s normal right? I’m sure he’ll be fine once we get through the hearing.”
remains unconvinced, suddenly worried that they didn’t pay enough attention to their new son.
“Clay’s right. No need to panic just yet,” Matt says, hoping to add a few words of comfort.
“Alright, you’ll let him know to meet us at the courthouse?” asks.
“Yep, will do,” Clay says.
The plan was to have the boys miss the first two periods of class for the hearing and then head right back to school afterwards.
And yet, with only an hour left, Justin was still nowhere to be seen. Matt and Lainie were waiting outside of the courtroom while Clay was pacing in front of them. “Should we be worried? I mean this isn’t like Justin at all. He knows that today is a very big day for him,” Lainie says.
Clay aggressively types on his phone, sending another message to Justin.
Clay: Justin, where are you? Are you okay?
Clay: We’re at the courthouse.
Clay: What’s going on? Call me!
Clay, starting to feel suffocated in the court hallways, unloosens his tie, “I think I’m going to wait outside for Justin. Maybe he got lost or something.”
His parents nod and he hustles towards the exit. He looks out from the front entrance, scanning the streets for any sign of the athlete.
He decides to text Jess.
Clay: Hey Jess, have you heard from Justin since last night?
Jess responds immediately. Thank god she always had her phone on her.
Jess: What do you mean last night? I haven’t seen since last period yesterday.
“Fuck,” Clay mutters aloud.
Clay: He didn’t come home last night.
Clay is about to turn inside and tell his parents that they might have to hold off on the hearing when he hears someone call out his name. He sees the brown-haired athlete running up the steps of the courthouse, catching his breath once he reached the top.
“Did I make it? Did it start yet?” Justin asks while leaning forward with his hands on his knees. “I tried to get here as fast as I could.”
“Justin, where the hell have you been? I’ve been trying to stall Mom and Dad since we got here.”
Justin pats Clay’s shoulder and tries to make his way towards the entrance, “My phone died. Let’s go. Come on, we’re going to be late.”
Clay brushes Justin’s hand aside and raises his voice, “No, we’re not going anywhere until you tell me what’s going on.”
Justin looks at Clay. His tone makes it clear that Justin wasn’t getting out of this easily. Justin sighs, “I’m sorry. My mom reached out last night.”
Clay’s eyes soften, “What happened? Did she change her mind about the adoption?”
Justin shook his head, “No, she was all for it actually.”
“Oh,” Clay says. “Oh,” he says once again, realizing what that meant for Justin. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t know. Look, I know that- I- “ Justin stammers. He’s doing his best to expel his thoughts and feelings right now, but they don’t seem to come out easily. Luckily, Clay seems to understand where’s he coming from.
“Your mom is your mom. She always will be. No one can change that, not even God himself.” Clay points to the courthouse entrance, “But in there are two people who love you for who you are and want to be there for you. And I know you’re still getting used to having a family and having people who care about you with no strings attached, but we are not your mom. We are not going to abandon you when things get tough. In fact, I can guarantee you that Mom and Dad are going to smother you and will never leave you alone until the end of their days because of how much they love you, no matter how many times you screw up.”
Justin lets out a small laugh, getting teary-eyed at the thought of 80-year-old Matt making them pancakes or Lainie who sometimes peeks in on the outhouse at night to see if her boys are okay.
“So it’s up to you if you still want to go forward with the hearing or if you need some more time to think about it. But you know this doesn’t change anything for us, right?” Clay says, hoping that his last words will at least provide some words of comfort for Justin.
Justin nods, “I know.”
A moment of silence ensues between the two of them. Clay sees that Justin is clearly taking his time to think through his options. He knows that Justin could run at any moment, if not now, maybe tomorrow or the day after. But that’s the price of trust, isn’t it? To believe that when the going gets tough, Justin will share with the Jensens and have everything work itself out, especially when shit has hit the fan hard.
“Let’s do it,” Justin finally says. This pulls Clay out of his internal dialogue, and the two boys make eye contact. He grins, “I want to be adopted.”
“Are you sure?”
“Clay, it was never about you guys. I love you and Matt and Lainie. That was never the issue.”
Clay’s eyebrows furrowed, “Then what was the issue?”
Justin pulls his eyes towards the ground. “I didn’t know if it was possible to love both you guys and my mom,” Justin admits in an almost whispery voice.
“I don’t think it’s mutually exclusive,” Clay says, knowing that there was no easy answer on this. “I think you can love the people who hurt you and maybe eventually forgive them for hurting you. Not for them, but for yourself.”
Justin shrugs, “I don’t know. Maybe.”
“It’ll be okay, Justin.”
Justin smiles, “You sure you still want me as your brother?”
Clay returns a similar smile, possible even larger than Justin’s, “You dumbass. On one condition.”
“What?”
Clay holds out his pinkie finger, “You promise that you don’t ever run away or go MIA again. We talk it out no matter.”
Justin doesn’t even bother pinkie swearing Clay. Instead he pulls the Jensen boy in for a hug. “As long as you promise to do the same. No secrets from now on.”
“Deal.”
Justin lets go of Clay and they both turn towards the entrance, “Alright, I guess no turning back now. Let’s go get me adopted.”
The process goes as the four of them predicted, where Justin proudly says yes to being adopted by the Jensens. The four of them celebrate later that evening with a couple of pizzas and sodas along with their friends. The gang decides to surprise Justin by hanging a “Congratulation, it’s a boy!” banner in the outhouse, allowing the newly minted Jensen to take in all of the feels at once.
Justin never thought in a million years that his life would ever turn out in the way it did, surrounded by beloved friends and family. To have two amazing parents and a new brother that truly cared about him felt like a dream come true. It would take time for Justin to unravel all of the complex emotions he had regarding his mom, but he knew that the Jensens would always support him no matter what. And that was all he could ever ask for.