Archive of Our Own ^beta

Even at her youngest, Juanita Salceda knew her feelings for John Connor were complicated. Being eight, he had far more patience for her as a four-year-old than her own older brother, Franco, who was already sixteen. At the same time, she couldn't help but be a little intimidated by him. He was far more grown up than anyone his age had a right to be. Franco thought so too. They often buddied up and reminded her how much younger she was than both of them. For this, she'd try to be mad at John, but it never quite stuck. He would kick up a futbol and before she knew it, all of her anger would dissolve in play.

Things stayed this way long enough for Juanita to expect they always would. Then something happened with Papa's business. No one would tell her what, only that they had to leave Guatemala. The news hit all the kids pretty hard but, it seemed, no one harder than John. Juanita caught him one day, scanning the compound like he was trying to commit it to memory. She came up beside him.

"¿Que pasa?"

"We're leaving."

"You're sad?"

"Yeah." He hung his head, sighed deeply, and then crouched a little so they were eye-to-eye. "You know we're not coming with you, right?"

She couldn't understand the words, though her English was fine.

"What? Why not?"

"Mom says it's too risky, and I've learned all I can. Time to move on."

"That's not true! Papa can teach you lots of things!"

"But not everything."

"Everything?" She furrowed her brow. "What's everything? What do you need to learn?"

He looked through her and said, "How to save the world."

Juanita would have laughed, but he had that look in his eye that made him seem so much older, so she knew he was serious. She opened her mouth, but before she could ask for more, another voice cut in.

"John."

They turned to face Sarah Connor, standing beside a van with Mama and Papa. She looked tired and, Juanita thought, a little sad.

"Come on," she said.

"See you later," John told Juanita.

"You promise?"

"Promise." He nodded and walked over to his mother. Promise or no promise, it felt final.

"Don't forget!" cried Juanita.

John looked over his shoulder and smiled. It comforted her and, as time went by, became the only way she pictured him. And picture him she often did, when her games needed another player, when she had questions she knew Franco would tease her for asking, or when she was simply bored. From Guatemala, through Mexico, and into The States, she carried this memory, her assurance that she would see John Connor again.

She listened closely to Mama and Papa, even when they thought she wasn't, for any sign their families were to reunite. In the end, it was all up to chance. Late one night, when she was supposed to be asleep, she tiptoed towards the kitchen to get a glass of water. Mama and Papa were already there, talking, and so she stopped in her tracks.

«Are you sure it's our Sarah?» asked Mama.

«I'm sure,» said Papa.

Finally! Juanita thought for sure it was time. But something was wrong. Papa didn't seem happy. He shook his head and added, «I never thought she would take it this far.» She didn't know what that meant. Luckily for her, Franco had a big mouth. He caught her eavesdropping and, instead of snitching, gave her the scoop.

«Sarah Connor is crazy.»

«We aren't supposed to use that word.»

«But she is! The feds caught her trying to blow up some computer factory. Only reason she's not in jail is because she's totally crazy. Went off about how some supercomputer is gonna drop the bombs on us, and she knows it's true because it sent a robot back in time to kill her so John won't save the world.»

Juanita remembered what John said, what he had to learn.

«Where is John?» she asked. «Is he in trouble too?»

«Ain't nobody gonna put a little boy in a nut house,» said Franco. «He's fine.»

«Do you think he'll come here?»

«Juanita, he's probably got some rich foster family by now. He doesn't need us.»

«But he promised!»

«People don't always keep their promises.»

Tears stung her eyes, and she ran away before they could fall. Then John's smile came to mind and she did cry. He seemed so honest. She had to keep believing. Franco may have been older than her, he may have known more about the world, but that didn't mean he knew John.

For her faith, she was rewarded about a year and a half later. The Connors rolled up in a station wagon, with no warning but news stories on the TV. They were not alone. A big guy showed up with them. John called him his uncle, which was strange. His mother had never mentioned a brother.

Now ten, he'd grown more than Juanita expected he would have, and it gave him an extra "cool factor." She found herself scared to approach him. Instead, she watched from afar, a pit growing larger in her stomach with each passing second. She had no idea what was wrong with her. It was only John.

After some time, she plucked up the courage to grab a futbol. They would play, and everything would be like old times. But as she wound up for the kick, she noticed him bouncing around his uncle. He looked happier than she'd ever seen him. It was clearly a moment she shouldn't interrupt.

She never got a chance to speak to him that visit. First his mother left, then he and his uncle chased after her. It was only once he was gone that Juanita realized what had come over her: she had a crush on him. And it only grew in his absence.

Seven years. She nursed her love for seven years, until the Connors returned once more. John was practically a man while she was thirteen, and determined not to let him see her as a little girl.

Franco caught her primping and asked, «What are you dressing up for? It's just Connor.» She didn't respond, and his eyes widened. «You're dressing up for Connor.»

Her continued silence spoke volumes.

«Sis, are you crazy? He's way too old for you.»

She gave him a pointed look. «It's only four years.»

«Four years could get him twenty,» Franco muttered.

«Suddenly we care about the law out here?»

«When it has to do with my sister? Hell yeah, I do.»

Outside, Sarah Connor called for Papa. Juanita and Franco both peered out of the nearest window to watch her and John climb out a green SUV. A smile spread across Juanita's face, and she elbowed her brother.

«Stay out of it.»

He said something else, but she missed it as she rushed outside. Sarah and John looked equally surprised to see her, but it was Sarah who said what she'd wanted to hear from John.

"Juanita, look at you! You're all grown up!"

"Thank you."

Sarah gave her a hug, while John hung back and watched them. Juanita felt his eyes on her, and her heart fluttered. She hugged Sarah tighter.

Papa came between them. "Sarahlita! To what do we owe the pleasure?"

"John has business back in Los Angeles. We're just stopping by."

"For how long?"

"Overnight, if you'll have us."

"Of course!" He opened his arms and gestured around the compound. "Let's make it a party! Jolanda! Bring out the radio! And don't forget the tequila!"

It wasn't so much a party as it was the adults drinking and singing along (badly) to music. Juanita spied John sitting at one of the picnic tables, his chin rested atop folded hands, watching the festivities. She grabbed his arm.

"Come dance with me."

"I don't dance."

"Sure you do." She tugged harder and he relented.

It soon became obvious that he meant he couldn't dance, but she didn't mind, because he was doing it with her. Their parents were laughing and clapping along, and she took that as a sign of approval. Forget Franco. Everything was coming together.

When everyone else had gone to sleep, and she was preparing to do the same, she stepped out to make a wish on a star. John was already outside, gazing up at the sky. It reminded Juanita of their first goodbye, nine years ago. Just as she had then, she came up beside him.

"¿Que pasa?"

"Just... thinking."

"What about?"

"A girl."

Her heart skipped a beat.

"Anyone I know?"

"I don't even know her yet."

Then it fell into the pit of her stomach.

"Do you ever think about... me?"

He tore his eyes away from the stars and smiled. It was just as she remembered.

"Of course I do," he said. "I think about all of you."

"No, I mean do you think about me?"

His face fell. "Juanita..."

"Because I think about you."

"Juanita, you know you're too young for me."

She stepped closer to him, her eyes pleading. "I won't always be."

"By the time you're not, you'll have found someone way better than me." He waved her off, and she took that personally.

"Don't treat me like a little kid, John! You think I haven't met other boys? I don't want them! I want you!"

John tilted his head, pursed his lips, and stared at her for a good few seconds. "Juanita, I'm about to tell you something that you can't tell anybody, not even your parents. Okay?"

"What is it?" she asked, hoping beyond hope that he was about to tell her that he did love her, and it was the law keeping them apart.

"You know that man, the one that was with me and my mom last time?"

"Your uncle."

"Yeah, that's the thing. He wasn't really my uncle. He wasn't even a man. He was a Terminator, like the ones in my mom's stories. He came back in time to protect me."

"Oh my God, you're crazy."

"No, I swear it's true!"

"If it's true, then where is he now?"

"He's... gone. But before he left, I asked him if I would ever have a family. He said I'd have a wife and kids. And I was an impatient little shit, so I had to know my wife's name. It's Katheryn Parker. So, you see, it could never happen between us, because I belong to somebody."

"John, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

He was taken aback. "W-what?"

"You're in love with a name?!" she cried. "You don't even know if this girl is real!"

"Yes, I do!" he said. "He wouldn't lie to me! I've already scouted her out and I'm on my way to go find her."

And with that, her heart turned into a black hole in the middle of her chest.

"That's why you're here. We're just a pitstop on the way to her. I'm just a pitstop on the way to her."

John reached for her shoulder. "Juanita--"

She ran back inside and threw herself onto her bed, weeping openly. It didn't matter if she believed in his robot uncle or his future wife, John believed it, and that meant he would never be hers.

«Do I have to beat up Connor?» asked Franco's voice.

Juanita picked her head up to look at him. «Get outta here.»

«I'll do it, I swear.»

«No, I'm fine.»

«You're a mess.»

«Who's a mess?» She started to laugh through the tears. «I'm great!» The laughter grew, until Franco gave her a hug, and it turned back into sobbing.

«I'm sorry, sis,» he said.

«Thank you,» she whispered in her smallest voice.

It wasn't long after that she saw the news reports. John Connor, teen terrorist, had kidnapped Katheryn "Kate" Parker, a police detective's daughter. That was the official story. Juanita knew the truth, that they had run off together. It didn't surprise her. It only broke her heart.

Juanita has learned to live with this baggage. But she never forgets about it. There's always something there to remind her.

She's sitting outside at a picnic table when the black SUV pulls up. Mama and Papa rush out to greet it, but she doesn't move, just watches. John gets out from behind the wheel. Juanita frowns. He's still beautiful. Mama squishes his face.

"¡Mijito!"

"What's up, Jolanda?" He gives her a hug. As they break apart she grabs his left hand and gasps.

"A ring?! John, are you married?!"

Juanita's heart wrenches. She's not ready for him to make that final commitment, the one that means he's truly in love.

"No," he says, and she almost sighs in relief, but he continues. "It's just a promise ring. Kate, show them your ring!"

She steps out from behind him and offers her hand to Mama.

"Such a pretty ring," says Mama, "for a pretty girl." She gently taps the Kate girl on the nose, prompting a bashful laugh.

Juanita glares.

Sarah gets out the front passenger side, crosses the front of the car, and rests a hand on John's shoulder. "I bet they would be married by now, if I weren't around."

"Oh yeah?" asks Papa. "Come on, Sarahlita. Let the boy fly."

"I want to make a better world for my son before I see him get married in it."

Papa nods. "You're a real superwoman, you know that, Connor?"

"Not quite."

"But you're still my hero," John says, and Sarah shakes him playfully.

"So, what brings you here this time?" asks Papa. "I know you didn't come here just so John could show off his girl."

"Who says we didn't?" John smirks. "No, I'm kidding. We're going to Disneyland!"

"What he means is, we're going to see that metal menace Rife Motors has been parading around."

"Can't we ride just a couple of rides first?" John whines.

"I wanna see the Haunted Mansion!" the Kate girl adds.

Juanita rolls her eyes. They land on a phrase that Sarah Connor carved into the tabletop a decade ago: "NO FATE." What is that supposed to mean to her when she's watching John's fate unfold before her very eyes? She rises from the table and stomps away.

"Hey Juanita!" John calls.

She stops in spite of herself. He runs over to her, waving like nothing has passed between them.

"How are you?" he asks, in a hushed tone that betrays his memories.

"Fine."

"Good."

"How's things with your girlfriend?" she asks, putting as much venom as she can into the word.

"Come on, don't be like that," he says. "I think you'd really like her if you got to know her."

"I will never want to know her."

"She wants to know you. She wants to know all of you."

"Well, that's too bad."

"Juanita, be angry at me, not her."

"I am angry at you!" she shouts, and John looks over his shoulder to make sure the parents haven't heard. But Juanita doesn't care if they hear. She keeps yelling. "There's no fate, right? You didn't have to go chasing after her. You made that choice. Because you wanted to. Didn't you? Didn't you?!"

After a brief silence, he says, "Yes."

"And you didn't want me."

"It's not about you. All my life, I've had this grand destiny to worry about. Then, one day, I find out there's a part of it that doesn't totally suck. I'm going to have someone who loves me. You expect me to just throw that away?"

"I could have loved you."

"But I never could have loved anyone else. Not once I knew she was out there. I'm sorry, Juanita."

"No you're not."

He does not speak again, because they both know she's right. He's found his true love and he's not sorry.

She turns her back to him. "Just... go."

And go he does. In the distance she hears the Kate girl ask, "What was that about?"

"Nothing." And he kisses her with an exaggerated "Mwah!"

Juanita feels it like a stab to the gut.

They leave when the sun goes down. She doesn't intend to see them off, but at the last minute she runs outside, just in time to see the car roll away.

"Don't worry," Papa says. "They'll be back."

When he says it, she thinks of John's smile. It's a nice smile, but it doesn't belong to her anymore. With a heavy heart, she accepts that it never really did. The memory extends. John gets into his mother's van and shuts the door.

"Adiós," Juanita whispers.