Work Text:
There it was, the definitive test of loyalty that Wolfgang hoped would never come. Choosing between his best friend—his brother—and one of his seven other selves. An offense not quite on the same level as Rajan's former business practices, but even more personal.
Capheus was understanding, of course. He wouldn't be Capheus if he wasn't. But Wolfgang could feel the sense of betrayal. The hurt.
"Get on the bus." Jela was as stern as Wolfgang had ever seen him, standing at Capheus' side with his arms crossed in the airport parking lot. Capheus said nothing. He didn't have to. Even if Wolfgang couldn't feel it, the disappointment was clear on his face. Kala and Rajan were already aboard the Van Damn, laughing with Zakia over the cause of their delay. The rest of their cluster stood behind Capheus in solidarity. And judgment.
"Let's go, Wolfgang!" Kala stuck her head out the window and patted the side of the bus the way he'd pat the bed, trying to influence his traitorous decision with sexual temptation.
It only made him feel worse, but it also settled matters. Turning to Felix, who was leaning away from him but holding tight to his arm to drag him the other direction, Wolfgang groaned. "Come on."
"But I wanna ride Go-nan the BarbariVan," Felix whined.
Conan in his horned-helmet glory was painted on the side of a bus parked across the lot, oiled muscles and sword glistening in the blindingly bright sunlight. Wolfgang tried not to think of how easily that machine could've beaten the old Van Damn. Even with Sun's help. The new Van Damn was another story, but only one of those buses fucked and it wasn't Capheus' namesake.
Felix had actually been excited to see the Van Damn in person. They weren't exactly diehard fans of Jean-Claude but they'd watched those movies growing up just like Capheus and Jela did. And Felix had heard the stories and seen enough before and after pictures to understand how cool the bus—and its driver was. But that was before witnessing the four-wheeled beast that was the BarbariVan.
"We can ride it another time," Wolfgang assured himself as much as Felix.
"Jela will take you to the market on the BarbariVan tomorrow," Capheus said in their heads, not one to hold a grudge even over such a serious insult. "It's okay. I forgive you."
"It's a good way to get kidnapped," Jela said. "They can't even come up with something original, you think they can drive? It's obviously a setup. You Germans are about to be very expensive."
"Rajan's got money." Felix sneered as he boarded the Van Damn. "He'll pay our ransom. And honestly, good fucking luck to anyone else who tries taking Wolfie."
Wolfgang looked longingly at the BarbariVan. He'd also like to wish someone good fucking luck for trying to take him. Most of this business trip was going to actually be about business which meant most of this business trip was going to be spent sitting around waiting for Rajan to sign paperwork. But Wolfgang had promised Capheus he'd be on his best behavior.
Capheus averted his eyes as he followed them on board, muttering, "The BarbariVan is legitimate. They had all their paperwork in order. I saw it."
"Capheus!" Jela gasped, turning his disappointment on his friend. "You did not! You allowed this?"
"What could I do? Even if it was within my jurisdiction, I cannot interfere with someone's dream just because they too have a preference for 80s European action heroes."
"You could sue them for copyright infringement!"
Zakia laughed. "Jela, that is not at all how copyright works."
Putting his arm around Jela's shoulder, Capheus tried appealing to his friend. "I'm sure they're very nice. Perhaps you can chaperone our guests and see what the inside looks like."
Jela shook his head. "If they want to get kidnapped, that's on them."
"No one is actually getting kidnapped, right?" Rajan asked, suddenly concerned.
"No one is getting kidnapped," Capheus assured him.
Felix sat behind Jela in the driver's seat. Since Capheus had left Kenya to rescue Wolfgang from a different kidnapping, and subsequently been elected to a new career, Jela had barely relinquished the steering wheel. Capheus should've technically had a government car but the Van Damn was already bulletproof and it helped him stay in touch with his community after he'd settled in Nairobi with Zakia. He'd still take the Van Damn to Kibera several times a week for town halls, and even had a free raffle for anyone who wanted a ride back to the city center once it was over.
"This bus is pretty sick," Felix relented as Jela put Bloodsport in the DVD player.
"I am not speaking to you," Jela said bitterly. Within minutes, he was very much speaking to Felix, and Felix to him, the two of them incapable of not running their mouths and definitely incapable of not running their mouths together.
That was the one thing Wolfgang and Capheus really had in common: self-sufficient soft-spoken types adopted as children by entrepreneurial extroverts. Although Capheus and Jela were wholesome little angels whose business ventures provided a service to the community, and he and Felix were indisputably not.
Wolfgang sat in the back with the rest of the group where it was quieter. Capheus was all smiles despite the ever-present temptation to criticize Jela's driving. "They are like twins," he said in admiration.
Wolfgang nodded. "Felix can't drive for shit either."
"Jela's not that bad…"
Zakia cleared her throat. As if on cue, Jela backed over a curb.
"Are you sure this is safe?" Rajan asked.
"Perfectly safe!" Jela called out. He probably couldn't hear much over Felix's yapping and Jean-Claude's kicking, but he was certainly tuned into passengers questioning their safety. "Curbs have nothing on the Van Damn."
Capheus raised his eyebrows and put his seatbelt on. Being a natural born leader, everyone else did the same as they bounced over the curb going forward this time. They were on their way.
"Oh, I finished that book you recommended," Rajan said to Zakia.
"Eye-opening, isn't it?" She'd given him an extensive reading list on the damage done to the world by the wealthy. Every book he read from her list—and Amanita's for that matter—cost him a small fortune. Kala figured it was the least he could do and it wasn't like he couldn't afford it. Being devoted to his partners and all their friends was an expensive hobby for a billionaire.
And it seemed Felix was ready to cost even more. "Hey, can I drive?"
Capheus and Jela both gave a definitive "NO!"
Neither Wolfgang nor Felix ever drove anymore at home. They may have been Autobahn crazy but they sure as hell weren't Mumbai crazy. And Nairobi was somewhere in the middle, obviously closer to the chaos of Mumbai when Jela was behind the wheel than Capheus. The incident that left the old Van Damn fighting for its life would be more or less a normal Tuesday in Mumbai, but it was still talked about here, though not as much as the Van Damn himself. And all the honking these days was from affection rather than impatience, the other drivers and passengers waving at the bus as they made their way from the airport.
As someone who'd rejected every attempt to force him into the leadership role his last name demanded, who loved Berlin and its people but had no interest in ruling over them—using brutality or otherwise—Wolfgang had been even more cautious than Capheus when Koman Nyagah knocked on his door. The head of Kenyan Democratic Reform Party wasn't exactly Aunt Elke, or Volker Bohm, but it seemed like a joke at best and a threat at worst. But seeing firsthand how much his people loved him, and what good Capheus had already done, made Wolfgang overwhelmingly proud of him.
And the amount of pride their entire cluster had for Capheus was nothing compared to Jela's. He honked back, talking up his friend's accomplishments to a captive audience who was literally already on board.
"He really is just like Felix," Rajan said warmly. He benefited greatly from Felix's big mouth. So did Wolfgang, since it meant he didn't have to talk about all the things that could at times make him so difficult to live with. Felix translated a lot more than German while raving about their exploits. "How did the two of you meet?"
"At the market. Over a VCR and a copy of Lionheart."
"Because Capheus can't haggle for shit!" Jela called out.
Capheus smiled. "They kept raising the price every time I saved enough to buy it. I'd been trying for months and kept walking away empty-handed to go save more. It never occurred to me that I was supposed to talk them down. Jela saw and came over, offering to help since I was 'clearly incapable'. Even with his haggling—"
"Masterful haggling—"
"Masterful haggling, we could only afford to buy it together. So we did. Jela even got them to throw in a copy of Hard Target." He winced fondly as Jela had to press a little too firmly on the brakes at the last second. "And that shared ownership made us what we are today. All because the cost was too high."
Felix loved haggling. Even now that he had more money than he knew what to do with, he argued the price down with the merchants in Mumbai just for the fun of it, only to give them what they'd asked for to begin with once he broke them. There was a safari on their itinerary for this trip but going to the market with Jela was the only thing he was actually looking forward to doing in Kenya. At least until he saw the BarbariVan.
"You should've just stolen it," Felix said. "You can still share when it's stolen." The two of them may have held onto old Soviet bootlegs of all their favorite movies for years just for nostalgia's sake, but they always stole Conan DVDs whenever they could get their hands on them. They must've had twenty copies of the first movie alone at home in Berlin, not to mention illegal downloads. Or the sequels. Having money to buy whatever they wanted was nice, but it was never quite as satisfying as getting away with taking it. If they'd been at that market, they would've walked away with a VCR under their shirts and tapes down their pants.
"Is that how you two met?" Zakia teased.
"We met in detention," Felix corrected, "but I did teach Wolfie how to steal."
"The fuck you did!"
Felix and Jela both cackled in the front of the bus. "And I taught Capheus to drive!" Jela added, and they laughed harder.
"We learned together," Capheus said. "But it was quickly determined that I would be the driver."
Wolfgang had taught Felix to drive after Sergei gifted him a car for his birthday, but he'd learned to steal one before he really knew what to do with it once he had it hotwired. Then he got a less-than-formal education from Steiner when he moved into his uncle's house at fourteen, complete with an initiation via cigarette lighter burn on his arm. Steiner was a better driving instructor than Wolfgang, he'd give him that much. Helped teach Wolfgang not to flinch behind the wheel. Felix was too easily distracted, and he preferred riding shotgun anyway, even when Wolfgang was driving straight at another car.
"Would you look at that? The BarbariVan is beating you," Felix remarked, nodding as Conan passed them by.
"Oh no," Kala sighed. Zakia shook her head. They both knew what was coming.
"The BarbariVan can get a ticket and lose their license," Capheus said before Jela could change gears and accelerate. "We are driving safely and not taking the bait."
Felix opened his mouth to further goad Jela to misbehave, a devil on his shoulder. "Felix," Wolfgang warned.
Sitting back down, Felix sighed heavily. Despite only meeting twice in person, and their current battle over Belgium versus Austria, Jela and Felix could've been in their own cluster for how well they just got each other. "Some bloodsport…"
"It is a privilege to ride the Van Damn, Berner. You should remember that."
"It's amazing!" Rajan called out, clinging desperately to the seat. He may have liked a bit of a thrill, but everyone except Jela wished Capheus was the one driving.
"Thank you, Rajan!" Jela said. "By the way, I'm charging you all full fare."
"Oh! Of course…" He reached for his perpetually stuffed wallet.
Leaning over Jela's shoulder to goad him into a different type of misbehavior, Felix whispered in his ear. Jela nodded, glancing in the rearview mirror at their mark. "Twenty-five hundred bob. Each."
Rajan didn't know any better and carried way more cash than he should've; at least Jela was doing him a favor in that respect. Kala put her hand on Capheus' arm to stop him from intervening in the literal highway robbery of her husband, while Wolfgang took Rajan's wallet and tossed it to Felix. "He nearly killed your mother," Wolfgang said in their heads. "The least you could do is take all his money."
"His business practices did," Capheus said. Which Rajan had since changed, and now was partnered with Silas Kabaka of all people, helping to provide healthcare to Kibera. And somehow they both ended up making more money. Who would've guessed doing the right thing paid off? "And he personally apologized to my mother."
Shiro, in all her grace and nobility, wasn't even mad about it. She pitied Rajan for being raised into believing money was god. Her new husband on the other hand was absolutely ripping Rajan off, which Wolfgang unequivocally supported.
"I don't have change?" Jela said nervously at Felix's encouragement. How was that for bloodsport.
Kala covered her mouth to stifle her laughter while Zakia turned away, finding something out the window suddenly fascinating. Capheus tensed, too honest for his own good and increasingly uncomfortable with the situation.
"Consider it a tip."
Felix tossed Rajan's mostly empty wallet back. Wolfgang shook his head and kept it, lest he get robbed by anyone else before they made it to their hotel.
* * *
Capheus and Zakia, Nairobi's newest power couple, were too famous to be seen showing preference by riding someone else's matatu. But Jela was a responsible person and would be bored the rest of their trip without Felix if he got himself kidnapped, so he begrudgingly agreed to chaperone the four of them on the BarbariVan like Capheus said he would.
Jela's nemeses also took one look at Rajan and understood the moral necessity of overcharging him, but nowhere near the same extent. Rajan glanced questioningly at Kala over the difference in bus fares. She just shrugged and feigned ignorance. But Jela wasn't about to stand by and permit the illegal overcharging of tourists, even tourists he'd already overcharged himself. "Are you kidding me? Two hundred for this?"
Felix glowered at them and nodded along to back Jela up even though he would've spent every last cent of Rajan's money to board that bus.
"One-fifty."
"Seventy-five. Group discount."
"One hundred."
"Deal." Jela held his hand out for Rajan to pay him, then passed it along to the conductor.
Capheus boarded with them while narrating to Zakia. She shook her head. "Not to pity the billionaire, but I do kinda feel sorry for Rajan. I mean he's rich but it's not like he's British."
"Rajan is doing just fine," Kala reassured her through Capheus. Rajan may have been getting ripped off at every turn, but he was nothing if not enthusiastic about his loved ones' interests. And with the inside of the bus being similarly Conan themed, it was like they'd died and gone to matatu heaven.
"This is a really sexy bus," Felix said under his breath. In German. Jela still knew what he said and stared daggers at him.
"It is a sexy bus," Capheus admitted.
"I prefer the Van Damn." Kala primly sat between Rajan and Jela, letting Wolfgang and Felix sit together in front of them. They left room for Capheus to join them in spirit. "Jean-Claude is the Fred Astaire of martial arts, after all."
Capheus ignored Conan on the TV screen mounted above the driver and chose to observe Jela unseen instead. He'd spent countless hours keeping Wolfgang company in Felix's hospital room, watching over him. They didn't really talk about it at the time, how much they both depended on their friends. How much of their lives were defined by them. That single moment in childhood that changed the trajectory of their lives for the better; Capheus learning not to trust everything at face value, and Wolfgang learning to trust someone at all. Wolfgang found himself watching Jela more than the screen too, seeing him through Kala's eyes, seated behind them. And through Capheus'.
Jela was among the first of their group to know about sensates. He would've joined Capheus in London in a heartbeat if he didn't have a wife and kids at home. If Capheus had allowed it. And although Sun was obviously his idol—the spirit of Jean-Claude who saved Capheus' life more than once—he'd greeted Wolfgang as warmly as Capheus greeted Felix. Thankfully without trying to pick him up and squeeze him.
"Considering the difference in fares, you're obviously doing something better from a business perspective," Rajan said to Jela, who took the win but looked a bit guilty over it since Rajan was oblivious to how much riding a matatu was actually supposed to cost him.
"See?" Jela said definitively. "The Barbari-sham has nothing on the Muscles from Brussels."
The BarbariVan had one thing on the Van Damn: a better driver.
"Yeah yeah." Felix waved him off. "I don't seem to recall Jean-Claude being elected governor of California. Maybe Capheus is secretly taking after Schwarzenegger instead."
Jela gasped. "Blasphemy!"
"The Governator is a Republican, thank you very much," Nomi added with disgust.
"This is going to be a long trip," Kala sighed.
"Not at the maniacal speed they're going in this death trap."
"You think that's fast?" Felix asked, the two of them back to being best friends. "You should see Wolfie on the Autobahn."
Wolfgang and Capheus shared a knowing smile. If only Jela could've seen Capheus take over for Wolfie on the Autobahn.
The bus jerked suddenly to the side, a thumping sound interrupting as Conan on TV declared "Grant me revenge!" Wolfgang knew because Capheus knew that it was a tire blowout. Jela shook his head discouragingly as if he'd seen this all coming as they pulled over and started ushering everyone off the bus.
But instead of talking shit about them like he'd been doing since the airport, he immediately went to offer his assistance. How many times had they needed help they never got, stranded on the side of the road in a bus held together by prayer and duct tape?
Not waiting for them to request his expertise, Jela proceeded to instruct them on the proper use of the tire iron and then pushed them aside and masterfully changed it himself when they took too long. Capheus stood by watching, smiling with pride over his friend's unprovoked albeit passive aggressive kindness. This was why Capheus and Jela were serving their communities. And why Wolfgang and Felix were unemployed sugar babies.
"Will you please give them some money for a new tire?" Capheus asked him and Kala, empathetically sharing the defeated expression the driver and conductor both wore as they invited their passengers back on board a bus that would be driving on the spare until they could make enough to replace it. "I can reimburse you. It shouldn't cost more than—"
Taking Rajan's wallet without bothering to ask, Wolfgang handed the driver the contents, freshly refilled from an ATM at the hotel that morning. "For your tire."
"Austrian?" The driver asked hopefully, his eyes wider at Wolfgang's accent than the money.
"Ja," Felix said in his best Austrian accent before Wolfgang could shake his head. "Hier ist Conan!"
Fuck.
Felix laughed with Jela as the driver and conductor both enthusiastically shook Wolfgang's hand and gave their best Arnold impressions. Capheus beamed at him, the rest of their cluster gathering around to pat Wolfgang on the back. "That was very sweet," Kala said in their heads.
He rolled his eyes. It was hardly a good deed. He didn't do it for Capheus. He didn't even do it for the BarbariVan. He did it because he didn't want to be the only one not robbing Rajan on this trip.
"I had no idea Nairobi was so expensive," Rajan remarked with wonder.
Jela and Felix both put their arms around him. "Just wait until we get to the market. Driver, drop us at the nearest ATM!"