Work Text:
it’s my fault it’s my fault it’s my fault
A war with only two casualties… It was unheard of. They’d made it out battered and bruised, but most of them with their lives. Liam had a pulse- he drew breath, but the young boy who lived in his heart never came home. Amethar was already a shell of a man, but this war broke him into pieces that seemed impossibly small. Ruby… Well, Ruby lost at least half of herself out there.
And then there was Theo… Theo was the one who was supposed to die. He’d been ready- his entire existence had trained him to lay down his life for the crown- yet still he stood. He stood, while Jet lay dead. He stood while Lapin fell and did what Theo was always meant to. Shaky, uncertain, and stoic, but Theo still stood. He had spent his entire life understanding the bulb to be nothing more than a false idol, but he’d never realized how much he’d wished it were real.
Theo paced back and forth, muttering to himself. He wrung his hands, he shook his head- the thoughts persisted. It hadn’t been right. It hadn’t been fair. It had been war, and it had been his fault.
it’s my fault it’s my fault it’s my fault
Theobald Gumbar needed two feet firmly planted on the ground at all times. He was a melee combatant for the most part, always preferring to use his sword and his fists than to attempt anything with magic. It was always risky to use magic anyway, the other kingdoms didn’t condone it and he was plenty strong without it. He was fortified with muscle and had the backing of strong soldiers behind him. His tactical mind was unmatched and more often than not he saw victory on the battlefield. But then one day there was a fight unlike any other. A coup. An attempted, albeit failed, assasination. A murder nonetheless.
it’s my fault it’s my fault it’s my fault
How had they gotten there? He knew every step they’d taken. He had replayed it hundreds, probably thousands of times over in his mind. He just-- he wished he knew what happened. If he knew how they’d misstepped so severely then he could prevent it from ever happening again. A good soldier takes his losses and learns from them, but all that Theo learned was mistrust.
It had happened so quickly, or maybe it had been slow? He’d replayed it in his mind too many times to be sure. They’d been strong at first, they walked in so bravely with their heads held high. Not pride, but a morality and sense of justice for their cause. They thought they were meeting allies. They thought the emperor’s daughter would be on their side. They thought it would be okay. They had been careful. They had moved with stealth when they could. They chose a precious few to trust. And then… Theo should have known better. It was his job to know. It was his job to protect them.
it’s my fault it’s my fault it’s my fault
He was supposed to be one step ahead. He was supposed to make sure they all made it out- or if someone went down he was supposed to make sure it was him.
But it was a set up. A goddamn ambush. A plan that outsmarted the Candians and it cost one of them their lives. He swung his blade, he buffered the princesses and the king, he tried to protect Liam and Lapin too… but there was only one of him and there were five of them. They had to make it out. They had to leave. There was no world where Theo could keep them safe there. He would lay down his life there if he had to, but he needed them to leave. One by one they narrowly evaded death, until it was just Theo and Lapin left with their adversaries. Theo was ready, he could take more punches- he could. But then his eyes met Lapin’s and his feet left the ground ever so slightly.
A knowing look in the rabbit’s glance; the stare of a man who’d made his peace with death. Theo knew it well, but a pit formed in his stomach as he witnessed it on a man who should not have been condemned to this fate. There was more left for him to do, surely. Why was he okay with it? Why didn’t he fly out of there himself? What the hell was wrong with him??? It was always meant to be Theo’s death. Theo could take the punches, not some old rabbit pulled from retirement to teach the royal children.
it’s my fault it’s my fault it’s my fault
His feet left the ground and he knew it was done. He moved toward the window to make his escape and he watched mournfully as Lapin met his end. He laid unconscious on the ground, but somehow Theo kept a sliver of hope in his heart that the old man might find an ounce of strength to rise again. Theo tumbled out of the window. He never saw Lapi Cadbury again. There was no time to grieve or let the guilt consume him then- within seconds he was bracing to catch Jet from her escape… he let his feet plant firmly to the ground, bending his knees slightly, and took a wide, solid stance. Nothing would rock him, nothing would lift him. This was war, it cared not for the loss it caused, but Theo surely did.
it’s my fault it’s my fault it’s my fault
It should have been him, left to die in the cathedral, he thought. But then- if it had been him, who would have caught Jet? Who would have braced her fall? Amethar might have been strong enough, but he carried so much already. Theo needed to be everywhere at once… everyone needed protecting, everyone needed saving- perhaps most of all Theo. But as the head of the Tart Guard, he soldiered on. He felt the loss of Lapin rock him to his core but he dared not let it slow him. Or maybe he did. Maybe that’s why they lost Jet. Maybe he let grief consume him just a moment too long and it cost them Jet.
it’s my fault it’s my fault it’s my fault
Why wasn’t he there? He should have been there. He should have been everywhere. The queen told him to see that the children made it to bed after their troubling journey. The queen told him. So how was it that all three of them were out of the castle fighting for their lives for a second time that same day? Where had he been? He should have been posted outside of their doors, maybe in their chambers even. Why did he leave? Why did he let them leave? He let them out of their sight and Jet died. He had let Lapin out of his sight and he had died too. He should never have let them out of his goddamn sight.
it’s my fault it’s my fault it’s my fault
God, Jet. He dedicated his life to protecting the crown, and when it mattered most he walked away and he let a child die. What the fuck was wrong with him? Where had he been while she was being murdered in a fucking lingerie shop? He had one job- protect. And he failed them, Jet and Lapin… but most of all Ruby, Amethar, Caramelinda, and Liam.
it’s my fault it’s my fault it’s my fault
There was no amount of good he could ever do to make up for what he’d done. Perhaps because it wasn’t what he’d done at all- it was what he didn’t do. But what he wouldn’t do in the future? He wouldn’t let Ruby out of his sight. He wouldn’t let his feet leave the ground. He wouldn’t let anyone else die on his watch. He wouldn’t let their deaths be in vain. He wouldn’t forget them. He wouldn’t forget how Lapin’s lectures droned on and on while the girls snuck off to cause mayhem. He wouldn’t forget how Jet let her emotions and morals lead her. He wouldn’t forget the look on Ruby’s face during Jet’s funeral. He wouldn’t forget a single fucking syllable that the queen shot at him on that quiet hillside. He wouldn’t dare forget whose fault this was.
it’s my fault it’s my fault it’s my fault
Theo always knew there would be loss, but he was only prepared for it to be him. There was a wretched part of Theo, buried not nearly as deep as he would like, that was envious of Jet and Lapin. He longed to be somewhere the guilt doesn’t eat him alive. Given the chance Theo would trade places with either of them in an instant. He would tell you it was his duty to serve in such a capacity. He chooses not to inspect whether it is because it is what is right or because death would bring a peace he would never know again in this life. Death is easy, surviving with the guilt is another challenge entirely.
it’s my fault it’s my fault it’s my fault
The worst part about war isn’t the death, it is that the death is unpredictable. Theo always knew there would be loss, but he was only ever prepared for it to be him. It should have been him. Why wasn’t it him?