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The sun was setting on a warm summer evening in Renais, the last of the sunlight falling on Natasha's face as she leaned against the railing of a balcony. Her face felt warm, and she closed her eyes as she took in a deep breath, her nose filled with the scent of hay and wild roses. When she'd taken her vows in a temple in Grado, she'd never expected a day like this to come. For one, to leave Grado for Renais alone had at one time felt impossible. For two, and more importantly, Natasha had never imagined she would one day don the white dress of a bride, and to have a man put a ring on her finger. And yet here she stood, her bridal gown hung in the room behind her, and a golden ring glistening on her left ring finger. Natasha held up her hand, like she still couldn't believe it herself, to see the ring there with all the lustre of the setting sun and the warmth of the man who'd put it there.
Then again, the fact that she had met a man that she felt safe taking as her husband – the word still felt so unfamiliar in her mind, let alone on her tongue – was perhaps the most unbelievable of all.
Natasha heard the sound of a door opening, and turned around to see that Seth had returned from his bath. He was wearing a loose shirt that left most of his chest exposed, a sight that admittedly still unnerved Natasha, but paired with the reassuring smile on Seth's face, she found that she could bear the idea at least. Seth walked closer, until he stopped at the doorway to the balcony. Leaning against the frame, he let his eyes run up and down Natasha's form. Judging by the warmth of his smile, he must have found her appearance endearing – Seth had often told Natasha that she reminded him of an angel, and with the setting sun gilding Natasha's hair as she stood there in her white night gown, the impression must have only been stronger.
- Does my appearance please you, Seth? Natasha asked, averting her gaze as she felt a blush of embarrassment on her cheeks. Even though she'd married Seth, she still wasn't used to being looked at like that.
- You've always been pleasing to the eye, Seth said. - But I was actually more pondering how lucky I am, that a woman as kind and brave as you would agree to be my wife.
- Oh, no, I'm not brave at all, Natasha said quickly, even if her cheeks burned at the compliment. - Were I brave, I wouldn't feel so abashed before my husband's---
Her voice trailed off as she observed Seth's form, before she quickly turned her gaze to her feet. Natasha had never been good with intimacy, platonic or otherwise. The idea of human touch had her skin crawling, and as a consequence she'd never had any experience in the way of romantic relationships, or even intimate friendships. At most, she'd held the hand of a wailing patient, but of course, it being a professional situation made all the difference. As such, Natasha had never expected to end up in a romantic relationship. All the intimacy that was expected to come with it – the passion, the kisses, all that had the average girl sigh longingly but made Natasha shudder at the mere thought – was simply off the table for her. She'd made this clear to Seth when he'd proposed, and to her immense surprise, had found him quite understanding of her circumstances. He had said he was much of the same, and watching him shift his feet restlessly now, Natasha guessed being so loosely clothed in front of her was about as uncomfortable for Seth as it was for her to see him like this.
Still. It was their wedding night. And for all her discomfort, Natasha knew there were some things that she had to do now. She glanced up at Seth, and found him staring at her. His posture might have been hesitant, but the look in his eyes was quite clear.
- So, uhh... Seth took a deep breath as he rolled back his shoulders and straightened his posture. The way the light of the setting sun fell on his upper body only accentuated how incredibly well-formed his body was. - Are you sure you still want to do this?
Although anxiety was clawing at Natasha's stomach, she nodded. She'd resolved that this was something she would have to do, no matter how her instincts protested. It was better to just get to it, and get it over with. Besides, Seth was a good man. He loved her. Surely, he would be gentle with her.
- I am ready, Natasha said, taking a deep breath as she desperately tried convincing herself that she indeed was.
Exhaling, Seth nodded back, before sitting on the bench on the balcony. For a man who rushed to battle seemingly without a shred of fear, the rapid tapping of his fingers against his thigh and the eyes refusing to meet Natasha's gaze gave a very different image than the general who had earned his rank at such a young age. It gave Natasha a bit of comfort, knowing she wasn't alone in her nervousness, when Seth suddenly slapped his thigh, and forced himself to look at her. His face was about as red as Natasha presumed her own was.
- Right. Then let's get to it, Seth said, and spread his arms. - Come, let's... let's hug.
On cue, both of them averted their gazes, and Natasha had to take a deep breath to dissipate the coil in her stomach at the word. She and Seth had long before their wedding come to an agreement that what most people expected of a wedding night was simply never going to happen between them. But Natasha had decided that if she was going to marry Seth, she wanted to get used to his embrace. Seth had insisted he was fine with her company alone, but Natasha had been adamant. Even if it meant stepping out of her comfort zone, she wanted to learn to hug her husband. It would suffice as consummation for their union.
Thus, after another deep breath (or three, four, who was counting really?) Natasha accepted Seth's invitation, sitting gingerly on his thigh and leaning against his chest. The closeness had her entire body hot with discomfort, especially when Seth gently put his arms around her and held her close. But Natasha chose to fight the feeling of discomfort. Hugs were given for comfort and safety. Those were the feelings she wanted to associate her husband's touch with.
- Are you alright? Seth asked. He was the type to quickly push aside his own discomfort as soon as he saw someone else struggling, and there was no way he hadn't picked up on just how much this was affecting Natasha. - We can stop, if you'd like. We've our entire marriage to get used to---
- No, it's fine. This is important for me, Natasha said. She was grateful that Seth was so mindful of her boundaries, but she really did feel like it would be a little ridiculous if she couldn't have at least one proper hug with him on their wedding night of all times. - I just need a distraction while I get used to this. Talk to me for a while, and I'm sure I'll feel better.
Although Seth's touch was light, Natasha was currently hyper aware of his chest, arms, and thigh making contact with her, even if it was through the fabric of her nightgown. The places where his body met hers were burning hot, prickling on Natasha's skin, but she knew that the sensations were all in her head, and that she had the power to fight it. And so, whilst making sure to keep her breath steady, she distracted herself by looking around in the scenery and finding a point to focus on. Her eyes eventually landed on the wild rose bushes bordering the edge of their property. After the war, Seth had been given his pick of a property to call his own as a reward for his service. There had been many grand estates he could have chosen from, but he had settled on this rundown and partially overgrown homestead on the edges of the Renais capital. But Seth had said he liked to have a property to work on, and he had done a marvellous job in renovating the main house in time for Natasha to move in. Besides, as Seth had put it, what use did he have for an estate far out in the countryside, when his place to serve would always be in the capital, where he could help the most people? Natasha was of the same mind.
- Alright then... How about your new home? Seth said, and gestured towards their yard. It was largely overgrown with hays and weeds, but the trees and berry bushes planted by the previous inhabitants were thriving. - It's a bit of a work on progress, but how do you like it so far?
- Oh... It's very promising, Natasha said, and she really meant it. - I have been wondering about mapping out the different plants growing here... It would give clues for future management.
- I need to have the scythe in the shed sharpened, Seth chuckled. - Some of the weeds have really gotten out of hand.
- Perhaps. But it's alright if you wait on that, Natasha said, as her mind wandered to the tentative plans she was thinking of for the garden. - I'd like to first see what wildlife has taken this place as home while it's been abandoned. So that when we start making changes, we don't disrupt their lives. It wouldn't be fair, since they were here first.
- That is just like you, Seth said, and Natasha blushed at the fondness of his smile. - You're always thinking of others. It's one of the things I love the most about you.
- I could say the same of you, Natasha said with a small smile. - What about you, Seth? What have you planned for the estate?
- Well... Seth's gaze wandered across the yard. - I would have to take down some of the old buildings, or renovate them if possible, but... I would be interested in, in the long-term, building facilities for training. In theory, knighthood might be a pathway available for all who desire it, but in practice, only those with the means to afford it can acquire the training needed to apply for knighthood. It would be nice to build a school of sorts to provide that training for youths not so lucky when it comes to wealth.
- That would be wonderful, Natasha said, and as she thought about how it would look, as Seth would train younglings in their yard, she subconsciously pressed herself closer against Seth's chest. - I think I would like to do something similar. There are many children who do not have the means to get an education, or even learn how to read... It would be nice to teach children, and bring a bit of hope to them.
- Yes... That would be the dream, wouldn't it?
Natasha nodded, as her gaze drifted across the yard. It had been hard to leave behind her community in Grado, but considering all that she and Seth could achieve here, she didn't regret her choice. She could barely wait for when the yard would begin taking shape in the way she and Seth imagined, to be filled with new buildings, naturally managed plant life, and children from the community enjoying it all.
- So, how are you feeling now? Is it any better, sitting in my embrace yet?
Perplexed, Natasha glanced at Seth before turning her focus inward. She was still feeling unusually warm in the places where her body touched his, but the anxiety she had felt had been reduced considerably, and the prickling on her skin was so faint she could barely feel it. She also didn't feel as stiff and awkward anymore. She wouldn't have gone as far as to call this pleasant quite yet, but she could definitely feel that one day, it would be.
- It's gotten better, yes, Natasha said, finding confidence in the fact that the discomfort didn't return despite her now being more aware of her own body again. - It helps when I imagine you more as a lumpy chair to sit in than a person.
Seth laughed, and Natasha smiled. Then, she came to think of something, the same thought that had kept coming back to her every once in a while ever since Seth's proposal, and Natasha felt worry in her heart once more.
- But really, Seth, doesn't it bother you at all? She asked. - The fact that this... is the most we could ever be?
- I don't think I understand, Seth said, sounding confused. - Why would I be bothered by being married to the woman I love and holding her in my arms?
- But that's just it, isn't it? Natasha said. - That embraces are the most we'll ever do... in terms of intimacy, I mean.
- Ah, Seth said. He sounded a bit abashed, but before Natasha's worry could grow, he quickly continued. - I've said it before and I will say it again. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. In fact, I'm glad for it.
- Glad?
- Yes. I haven't gone to detail about it, but I have been in relationships before, Seth said, his face suddenly serious. There was a faraway look in his eyes as he stared at the horizon. - I was always more then satisfied with company and the occasional hug from the women I courted, but they... Wanted more. Kisses, and touches, and everything that went beyond that in the bedroom. I quickly realised that under the demure demeanour that our society expects of them, women do in fact have carnal needs, and they very much enjoy it. I, on the other hand...
He sighed, a rare hint of vulnerability in the sound when coming from him, and Natasha turned herself enough that she could place her hand on Seth's shoulder, the burning feeling from skin to skin contact be damned. Seth looked at her, and a bit of a smile returned to his lips.
- To be frank, I have slept with a couple of women. It was fine, both times. I didn't hate it. But I also could very well do my whole life without ever repeating the experience, Seth said. - That's why I was fully expecting never to marry. I wouldn't have wanted to disappoint any bride of mine by being unable to meet their needs. And why meeting you, and hearing that you similarly had no interest in physical intimacy beyond hugging, made me feel like the luckiest man in the world.
- I see. You're braver than I, in that case. I couldn't even try... that, to see for myself how it'd feel like, Natasha shuddered, and Seth could clearly feel it.
- You don't have to. You say you don't want to, and that is all I need to know that it's off the table, Seth said, taking her hand and holding it gently. Although Natasha rather quickly drew her hand away, she found joy in realising the sensation hadn't been too bad, and that Seth didn't appear disappointed in the slightest. Maybe this could be another small form of intimacy they could get used to, some day. - So no, Natasha, you don't have to worry. I'm happy to have you just as you are. The expectations of society are not my own.
- Then... You are not disappointed that we'll never have children either? Natasha asked. She had presumed it would be no problem since Seth was so content with her lack of want for intimacy, but it never hurt to make sure.
- No children of our blood, at least. I don't care about that. I suppose adoption is an option, if we ever wish for children of our own, Seth said, as a contemplative look came over him. - Speaking of, how do you... feel about the concept of children, some day?
- Uncertain, Natasha said. - Right now, I don't feel any need for children of my own. Being able to play a role in the lives of children in need is all the fulfilment I need. Although, I suppose I am not entirely opposed to the idea. There could be joy in adopting some older children lacking a loving home of their own.
- That's about how I feel as well, Seth smiled. - Maybe I'd like adoption, maybe not. Either way, I want to be a positive influence in the lives of children and young people in the community.
- Once more, our goals are aligned, Natasha said, and the thought made her feel a happy warmth in her chest. - We'll have plenty of opportunities to think about a definitive answer in the future.
- Yes... In the future, Seth repeated the words, his smile widening as he did so. - I look forward to all that our future together brings.
- As do I.
With the pleasant warmth in her chest spreading, in the spur of the moment, Natasha hugged Seth tightly. The side of her head pressed against his chest, warm and firm, her hands wrapping neatly around his back. Seth was taken aback by this, but before he could do anything to respond to the hug, Natasha already drew away, face aflush as she drew back the curls of hair that had fallen onto her face.
- Right. So it might have been a little early for that, Natasha breathed, and smiled sheepishly. - We'll try again another time?
- Sounds good to me, Seth laughed, a smile on his lips as he held up his arms. - Would you like to resume using me as a chair, or would you prefer to call it a night?
Giggling, Natasha thought for a moment. Admittedly, she was starting to grow a little used to Seth's warmth and presence, but on the other hand... She didn't want to spoil a good thing by going too fast.
- How about we take a break and have a walk across the yard? Natasha said. - There's still enough sunlight left, and it could be an opportunity to practice holding hands...
- Yes, it is essential to pace yourself in training, Seth said, smirking a little. - And changing things up in training is also vital for success. As long as you know not to push yourself.
- I shall keep that in mind, Natasha nodded earnestly. Knowing her limits would be easier than ever in the company of a man that respected hers so well. - And besides, there is no rush. It IS our wedding night, after all. We may stay up as long as we like.
- Exactly. It is OUR wedding night, Seth said, as he watched Natasha with adoration in his eyes. - And we are spending it just as we like, not what others expect of us.
With a smile and a nod, Natasha climbed off Seth's lap. Instead she offered him her hand, and which he took in his gently, as they made their way downstairs to enjoy their yard in the last light of the evening sun. Although the wedding day is usually referred to the “happiest day” of one's life, Natasha did not feel sorry for theirs ending. She had a feeling that she and Seth were only getting started in experiencing the happiness that life had in store for them.