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Brr brr.
Brr brr.
Brr—
"Hello?"
He inhaled sharply. Shocked, that he would pick up the phone. Relieved, that an old friend still cared for him enough to pick up the phone.
Terrified, that the result would be disappointment, and regret at having picked up the phone.
"Hai?" came the voice, gentle. "Are you there?"
"I—"
But he couldn't bring himself to words, before tears broke free of their dams, cascading down his face. His breaths came jagged, then, as the sadness he had tried his best to hold in flowed out.
He realised, belatedly, that his phone was still held against his ear, his companion giving him breathing instructions; and soon, he had calmed down enough to cough out a "thank you, hyung."
"I haven't managed to watch the broadcast yet, I'm really sorry," his hyung explained. "Gyehyeon and I were— well, that's unimportant."
Hai let out a breath that one could interpret as a laugh. That was his intention, anyhow.
"But I heard that Jaejoong was hosting it again," he continued. "Oh, how I despise that man. He can rot in hell for all I care, for how he treated Jack and Hanyu."
"Won-hyung!" Hai gasped, shocked. A real laugh escaped then. Only small. But it was real.
"What?" Seowon replied, and Hai could hear the grin in his voice. "You're thinking the exact same thing."
And who was he to deny his favourite hyung?
They could go on all day about how much they hated the host, but that wasn't why Hai had called his hyung. Seowon could tell, and gently tried to probe.
"Who won?" he asked softly.
Hai took a deep breath, before naming his friends. The ones that deserved to debut.
"Hengyu, of course. He placed first."
"I never doubted him for a minute."
"Zihao, and Suren too."
"Oh, they're going to be insufferable."
"Zheyi. Guangxu. Yichen."
"Yichen! Finally, it's only been, what—"
"Three shows," he cut in.
Just like me.
A moment, before Seowon prompted, "anyone else?"
"Chauyuet."
"Not Hanwen?"
Not me?
Seowon seemed to realise he had put his foot in his mouth, and tried to apologise quickly.
But it was enough.
"I just— I don't understand," Hai exploded, suddenly feeling rage course through him.
The five stages of grief— but I'm doing them in the wrong order.
I can't even grieve correctly.
"I don't get how I got eliminated on the first season— well, I do get it, but then this was meant to be my second chance! Our second chance, hyung! We were meant to both debut!"
He took a moment to inhale.
"And then that failed, and I got eliminated, but I got this extra chance, and I really thought this would be it, hyung, I thought this would be my real shot at debuting, but clearly that didn't happen because everyone else is so much better than me and I clearly don't even deserve—"
"Honghai."
Seowon's tone was firm. Gentle, but firm. Hai stopped talking immediately.
"You're spiralling. Can you take a look around you? Where are you?"
He hadn't even taken notice of his surroundings, but now that Seowon was prompting him to, he observed them.
It was dark, of course, the sun having set a few hours ago, while they were still in the studio. Another overcast night, it seemed, as he couldn't even see the moon through the thick clouds. Everything was mostly quiet, save for the occasional sparrow rounding up the last of its young.
The wind was a little stronger than usual, rustling through the trees above, dislodging some of their leaves. Belatedly, he wished he had brought a coat with him, but that was a little difficult considering he made his way here as quickly as possible, as soon as they were allowed to leave. Not even Hengyu calling his name got through to him; he needed to leave.
Neon lights from a nearby convenience store filtered through the trees, as he recognised where he was: the store closest to their dorms. Many an evening was spent in there stocking up on snacks, or going for a cheap instant ramen dinner with his competitors, his friends.
Would that even happen anymore, now that they were debuting without him?
"I'm—" He swallowed. "I'm near the store— the 7-11."
"Okay, one second," Seowon said, his voice sounding further away as Hai heard the telltale tap tap tap of his hyung's nails against his phone screen.
Movement caught Hai's eye, and he noticed a couple of wild rabbits hopping along the grass a little way away from him. He let himself smile, only slightly, at them living their peaceful little lives.
Ironic, really, as a peaceful little life was far from the life Hai was trying so hard to pursue.
"Right." Seowon interrupted his thoughts, and he focused back on his lifeline. "I've sent Jack your way— my poor boy texted me all worried when he realised you had turned your location off, bless him. He's going to take you home. Is that okay?"
Another look at the rabbits, and Hai nodded, despite Seowon being unable to see him.
"I think so."
Seowon let out a satisfied hum, as the rabbits disappeared behind a tree.
"Can I— can I ask you a question?"
His hyung hummed again.
"How haven't you given up yet?"
He knew it was a blunt question to ask, but frankly, Hai was all out of being nice to people now. He thinks he lost that the minute Onestar finished congratulating him on how well he had done while simultaneously telling him well, you obviously weren't good enough, were you?
Seowon let out a humourless chuckle.
"Now that is a question for the ages, wouldn't you say so? I mean, I've been in a group, competed in season one while still part of that group, left that group and then competed in season two, and still been eliminated. And now I'm… Well, I'm in even more of a limbo than I was before.
"But the way I get through is knowing that I still have people that love and support me. My family, my friends, my ex-members, and my fans. There aren't many of them, but they are what keep me going.
"I'm still pursuing this dream of being an idol because it's my dream. I want to be successful, signed to a good label, creating music that everyone can enjoy, performing for crowds. I still want it. And if you still want it, you shouldn't give up.
"You have friends, Hai, and lots of fans! Fans that have voted for you, and supported you, and loved you, whether that is from just this year, or from the first season. You are loved, and that is the most important thing an idol can be."
Hai's vision blurred over, tears threatening to fall once more at his hyung's supportive words.
"Thank you," he sniffled.
"Any time," Seowon replied, genuinely. "And hey— get signed to an agency, or go back to yours and ask to do some activities, and then message me. I'd love to do a collaboration with you soon."
Hai smiled, wiping his eyes, as he heard a call of "Hai!" from his left.
"Ah, Jack's arrived," he noted. "I should go. Thank you, Won-hyung."
"Like I said, any time. Chin up, Hai; you'll get there soon."
And with that, the familiar beep sounded, and Seowon was gone.
He lowered his phone from his ear and raised a hand to wave at Jack, who jogged up to him, with what seemed to be an extra jacket in his hands. He passed it over, and Hai gratefully put it on; the night-time air was definitely drawing colder.
Jack, ever-cheerful, even though he was in the same position as him right now, slung an arm across Hai's shoulders and guided them towards the convenience store.
"Here," he said, a little too loudly as always. "You want ramen? I'll treat you."
And who would Dang Honghai be if he turned down a free bowl of crappy instant noodles?