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Abel has always loved helping others, makes himself feel usefull since his parents never really said anything of sortes to him while growing up, so just the simple thank yous of people that he helps keeps him happy and satisfied with himself. Recently his dd has started to ask for help too, with papers for his "trips"? Abel doesn't really know what it means but the papers are full of information of "executioners"? Who needs those for trips… are they like..bodyguards? It doesn't really matter, what matters is that it is a lot of paper to read over.. he barely has any time to help others! Maybe he gets a few days without having to basically dive into a pile of papers but even on those free days he feels so tired, so so tired. He can't handle it anymore. Even sleeping feels like a task, restless sleep, not knowing if he'll be busy the next day, praying that his father will start hating him too much so that maybe he won't bother Abel anymore.
Does he really want that?
Abel has always craved the attention of his father, even if Adam is super arrogant, he just can't seem to hate him no matter what, he wants to be the best son for Adam, or maybe just someone that he can look out in need of actual help not some stupid papers! Did he really have nothing else? Was he only good at helping? And what if he was doing his job badly and people are just too embarrassed to say anything!
𝄞 ♪ ♫ ♬ ♩
Abel sits on the floor, like his breath isn't reaching him, like the air doesn't exist at this point. The worries have all caught up to him, he rocks back at forth crying like he's stuck in a loop, if he gets up it's like he has to go back to the real world and have to worry about others again. Does nobody care? Emily invites him for hang outs sometimes but he's just too busy, maybe the girl has started to dislike him because of that.
Today is one of the days where Abels desk is covered with the stupid papers that he jsut can't stand looking at anymore, his usually somewhat neat table a mess, his small sheep figurines completely backed up to the wall without any space left.
He just can't stop thinking that maybe he really is a failure and his dad has all the rights to hate him! He's crying on the floor because of some papers? Because he might be overworked? What a crybaby! Crying because he can't say no to people? So useless!
In a moment of despair while rocking he sees a small shine on the floor. His pencil sharpener. He doesnt even have time to use his pencil to doodle anymore, he needs to use pens because they are more formal and those documents are important to his dad.
A thought goes trough Abels head, he remembers it from one of his books abut humans, it was about mentall illnesses, some humans apparently use sharp objects to make themselves feel better, makes them calm down. He needs that. He knows it hurts but he needs it. He'll turn into a bigger outcast, who in heaven even thinks about hurting themselves on purpose. This is the best place ever! And Abel just doesn't fit in. He isn't good enough.
Abel crawls to the sharpener, like some weak dog, needy. He breaks the case around the blade and picks it up, is he really about to do this?
Yes he is. He needs to feel something other then this despair.
He lifts up his sleeve and positions the blade on his arm, not too close to the wirst but not too far.
One cut.
Abel very softly whimpers, this pain being new to him, not having really felt any bad pain ever since he died. He looks at what he did, the pretty gold blood slowly comming out making small droplets at the top.
Is he really this pathetic? What is he even doing? Aww im sad im gonna hurt myself to feel better. Makes no fucking sense. And he hates that it makes no sense because he wants more, one cut isn't enough, he craves to see his arm bloodied, then maybe someone will worry, maybe someone will come for him. Someone might finally say they are proud of him. Proud of him for surviving something like this. Proud of him for.. for what? He doesn't deserve anyone to be proud of him. How idiotic.
he looks down to his arm again, its like he wasnt even controlling himself, arm no covered in blood, that sweet golden blood.. but the wounds are alreadystarting to heal up, he didnt go deep enough for it to take longer and.. it isnt angelic steel. That's what he needs! Angelic steel! It will leave scars! People will finally worry about him! Ask how he is ask what he ate ask what he was gonna do ask him WHY did he hurt himself. What made him so desperate for something so inhumane.
He gets up, weakly, like his legs are about to give up and basically drags himself to his actual bedroom, he looks under his bed and takes out a box labeled "Dad", a box with stuff that reminds him of his father or even small gifts his dad had given to him.
He pulls the box towards him and opens it, looking around trough the small, even tho there isnt a lot, he finds what he wanted, a small dagger made with angelic steel, its broken, that the exact reason why his dad gave it to him, he just didnt know how to dispose of it without some random finding it, he said it was from one of his trips and that he dropped it and it just broke.
Inspecting the dagger up close to see how badly its damaged, not that it really matters.. hey.. maybe him at this dagger have something in common, they helped and got thrown away for becoming useless.
Looking back to his arm that already healed up leaving again the same empty space as before, which is good, means he can easily test out his new weapon.
He holds his breath a little, does he really wanna do this? What if noone even cares about what happened, was all of this for nothing, is he even doing this for the attention anymore? Maybe he just needed this to happen, maybe it has always been in the back of his mind, there isnt much regret, there wasnt a moment where he thought he had to stop, it like it was calling him.
♪
He looks at his arm, bloody, the blood gets on his floor, hes resting against the wall dagger now on the floor, he stares at the ceiling with a blank expression, tired from the breakdown, tired of everything, his mind feels blank like it will hurt to think about anything. Completely out of it.
So out of it that he didnt hear the knock at his door, or the footsteps in his lonely home, or his dad calling out for him.
"What the fuck." Finally out of his trance Abel looks from the ceiling to his bedroom door, standing in his full glory is his dad, Abels idol. Hes handsome, social, brave.. the opposity of what he is..
His dad is still just standing there, mask off meaning that he probably left it somewhere, probably the entry hall..
"What the fuck did you do?!" Adam shouts, fully waking up Abel from whatever world he was lost in, he looks at his dad, eyes wide, caught in the act, caught covered in his own blood. He doesnt know what to say, his breathing starts picking up again, like all the work he just went trough was for nothing, its like all thoughts flood his head at once giving him a huge headache, he cant speak, he cant breath, he gasps for air like hes drowning.
"Hey kid stay with me" When did he get so close, its like Abel passed out for a few seconds even tho he knew it didnt happen, he can feel it didnt happen because he feels the same despair as before.
Adam is kneeling down infront of him with a worried face, hand hovering like he is scared to touch his own son.
Adam just doesnt know what to do. What the fuck are you supposed to do? He never thought hed see his own son in this state, yeah sure he has seen some fuckass demons all beat up, but it just isnt the same. The demons are fucking demons, they deserve all the pain. Not his son. His angel of a son.. his own family, maybe his only family, the only one that hasnt actually left him.
Finally getting the courage he needed, he holds his boy, hugs him gently, scared he'll break like glass. Fuck was he even doing this right? Maybe Abel doesnt even wanna be touched right now. Fuck. He start unwrapping his arms untill he feels Abel holding him, gripping his shirt as if Adam was the hurt one.
Then the soft sobs came, small cries, like he was scared the cries would scare his dad away. But they dont, Adam wraps his arms around his son again, and it just breaks Abel, he cries loudly, like letting out all his frustrations at once.
Adam just pats him on the back still not really knowing what to do, rubs gentle circles, he lets the boy cry on his shoulder, letting him cry on his shirt, letting his poor sons blood stain his shirt. It didnt matter, what happened to his sweet baby boy? He has always called Abel a baby, he acts like one, hes childish, sensitive but.. he never wanted him to change. Thats HIS son. Doesnt matter what he does he will always be perfect.
They finally seperate, Adam kneels infront of his son again and just looks at him, waiting for him to say something. Would it be harsh if he asked what happened? Maybe that will make the boy upset.
"Im sorry dad.." Abel says trying to wipe away his tears but feeling too weak to actually get his arm up. Adam just stares, eyes going a bit wide.
"What? What are you apologizing for?" He says in disbelief not understanding why his son would need to apologize.
"I just.. im just not like you dad, im sorry im not like Caine, im sorry that im nothing for you to be proud of" The crying starts again, finally letting a part of his feelings out to his dad, something he never truly did. His dad said feelings are for idiots and that Abel was an idiot.
"I dont want you to be like me or your stupid brother. I never asked for that." Adam wipes some tears away from his sons face but still holding a somewhat serious face, eyebrows furrowed like he is in deep thinking.
"But you never spend time with me, everyone says you hate me" Abel looks up to his Adam, eyes with tears ready to come out again
"I dont spend time with you because i dont know how to." He looks to the side a bit embarrassed.
"I know you like to draw but im not really a great artist, you play music but it isnt at the same rythm as mine, you collect little sheep figures and i barelly know 2 species of sheep" He scratches the back of his head now his face a bit nervous for admiting those things.
"You want to spend time with me?" Abels eyes open up more, hopefullness behind them, his father wants to be with him?
"Why not kid." Adam ruffles Abels hair while giving off a soft smile, Abel gently smiles back at him.
"Lets take care of you first alright?" Abel nods, feeling a bit more energetic than before.
♬♪
Now at Abels bathroom, Abel is sitting on the toilet seat while his dad opens up the first aid kit.
"So how did this happen?" Adam asks while still focus on getting what he needs to wrap up his sons arm
"I.. i did it myself.." Adam stops in his tracks, thinking, unmoving and then.. he takes Abels arm gently ready to desinfect it.
"Right..how?" The first drops of the desinfectant fall on Abels arm and he flinches, his dad mumbles a small apologize and continues his work
"The dagger you gave me a few months ago.. i kept it and used it on my arm, i learnt it was something some humans did when feeling.. not so happy.."
"Fuck i knew i shouldnt of had given you that." He makes an angry face, almost disappointed but he isnt disappointed in Abel, not at all, he is disappointed in himself. Giving a dagger to his son that is basically the dientical twin of a lamb? What the fuck was he thinking.. actually he probably wasnt even really thinking..
"I-I mean you wouldnt of had known i would use it like that, its not your fault dad!" He makes a worried face at his dad, scared he might lash out on him.
"Still, wasnt responsible of me or whatthefuckever.." Adam finished bandaging up Abels arm and proudly looks at it
"Does it hurt?"
"Yes.." Abel fidgets with his finger. nervous of what his dad might say, maybe he'll call him a pussy again or pathetic for actually feeling pain or-
"It will be fine kid.." What? The blonde boy looks at his dad with a shocked face
"How about we go to the living room and you tell me what made you hurt yourself" Adam stops kneeling on the floor and stretches out a hand for Abel to take, when he was about to reach for his hand Adam takes it away
"Too slow" Adam smirks at his son.. Abel just.. giggles, an actual gentle laugh, a true smile on his face, Adam laughs with him and stretches his hand out again for the little lamb to take it, and he does take it. Abel gets up with Adams help and they make their way to the living room, both sit down on the couch and Adam turns on the tv more for background noise so that the apartment isnt fully silent and the only thing you could hear were the angels voices.
"So, go on, talk." The man looks at the blonde and just waits for him to start speaking, he sees how his son fidgets with his hands, how it touches the fabric of his clothes like they will somehow magically make him feel better.
"Its just, its lik everyone in heaven needs help and for some reason they all come to me! And- and i just dont know what to do! I keep acceptin to help them but then i have no free days and when i DO have free days its like i cant even enjoy anything else because of how tired i am! And then you came with your stupid papers and i couldnt just say no because i truly wanted us to have soemthing to talk together about!" He says it all in basically one go and closes his eyes scared of what his dad would say. He hurt himself because of some people asking for help..
"Just say no?" Adam looks with an eyebrow raised like it was the simplest thing ever
"I cant"
"Why?"
"I just dont wanna be useless dad." Abel feels the tears welling up on his eyes again but he holds them in
"But you arent?" Abel looks at him with teary eyes, Adam still has a face of "as simple as that bro", Abel looks confused
"You literally just said it, you are ALWAYS helping others meaning you arent useless cus if you were you wouldnt even be helping them cus you wouldnt know how to help right? And if they keep comming back then it means you are doing a good job, no?"
"I-i guess..?"
"I think they wont mind if you dont wanna help them like cmon bro this is hell, surely theres some other idiot that can help them"
"But i still dont have the courage to say no to them.."
"Then ill teach you."
"How?"
"I dont know, We hang out someday and we pratice it or somethin" Abel looks at his dad with hopefullness again, pulling the strings on Adams heart, making him feel even worse for the boy infront of him.
"We are gonna hang out?"
"Yeah sure why not"
And in seconds Abel is hugging Adam, he's suprised and doesnt hug back for a bit but then he just accepts it.
"Thank you dad"
"No problem son" He rests his hand on his sons back and just accepts that the kid probably wont let go anytime soon.
⏔⏔⏔ ꒰ ᧔ෆ᧓ ꒱ ⏔⏔⏔