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“There I saw you standing
Must have been a holy light
'Cause I can't see and I can't feel
But the color in your eyes”
1978
“God, I wish I could write like you can,”
Mary scoffed at her friend, “Please, you know Modern English is my only good subject,” she said with a laugh, taking her essay back from Lily. “Besides you’re top of the year, Lils, don’t act like you can’t write a bloody good essay.”
Lily tossed her hair behind her shoulder with a bashful smile. The two girls were huddled in the library, textbooks and pencils sprawling across the ancient wooden tables. It was a cold winter Sunday and with 4 weeks until their finals, Lily was insisting that they all spent as many weekends as they could manage in the library. Mary wasn’t quite that committed and usually distracted Lily from her work more than she did any studying, but she was fairly sure Lily enjoyed company while she poured over books and copied down dates. Marlene was often persuaded to join them but she was trickier for Lily to lure in with promises of sweets from the local village.
Mary was bored but Lily was insisting on reading over her Modern English essay, proclaiming that she needed to ‘learn from the master’. Probably a flattery attempt to convince Mary to sit with her but Mary let it slide. She couldn’t wait to get back to the dorm. Despite it being a Sunday, and everyone having classes tomorrow, her dorm was planning a party in celebration of the countdown to finals. Essentially, now was the time that everyone still felt they could justify having a party instead of studying and they wanted to make the most of it. Mary wasn’t too worried about her grades. She did average at most of her classes but that didn’t bother her much. This apathy towards school was much to her mother’s disappointment but Mary had stopped caring about that a long time ago.
“Oh, I never asked, how did that date with Andrew go?” Lily said curiously, finally starting to pack up her books.
Mary averted her gaze, “Yeah fine, he was a bad kisser though, doubt I’ll see him again.” Actually, it had gone terribly. Once again she had found herself frozen as a rough hand grappled for hers in a booth, and awkward knee brushes hers in an attempt at flirting. And the worst moment of all, when big, thieving hands grasped her waist or her jaw and pulled her into a kiss, shoving their tongues down her throat. She always pulled away first, with a sour feeling in her mouth and stomach.
“Really? That doesn’t always stop you,” Lily said in jest. She didn’t mean anything by it, but the words still stung a little. Her reputation as the school jezebel was renowned, and by now Mary figured if she embraced it, flung herself full force into it, people might not care anymore. She might not care anymore.
Walking back to the dorm with Lily, James, Lily’s boyfriend caught up with them. He spotted them across the hallway and jogged over with a wide smile.
“Hey Ev- I mean Lily, finally done in the Library?”
Lily rolled her eyes fondly at the slip up. James’ habit of calling her by her last name was one he was still struggling to let go of. Mary thought they were such a fairy tale couple. After years of James following Lily around like a lost puppy, begging for her attention, he finally proved himself to her, promising he was genuine and not just messing with her. Now they were the school’s power couple, head boy and girl, and so in love it made Mary feel sick just looking at them.
“Yes, ‘finally’,” she told off, but she was smiling, and allowed James to link their arms as they walked back to the Godric house dorm. They reached the door and as Mary stepped ahead to open the door, it swung inwards to reveal Marlene gripping the handle. For a moment Marlene and Mary were nearly nose to nose, but then Marlene jumped in shock and tripped forwards right onto Mary. With a huff, Mary broke her best friend’s fall, catching her shoulders.
Marlene giggled, “Sorry! Didn’t expect that!”
Fighting to keep a blush from spreading to the surface, Mary helped Marlene up and smirked at her, “It’s okay, I have that effect on most people.” Marlene barked a laugh at that and winked as they made their way into the common room. It was too early for the party to be started, but most of Mary’s friends were gathered there, strewn across the couches and floor. Remus and Sirius were crouched down, heads close together flicking through their boxes of records, to pick a sound track for the night Mary assumed. The bastards insisted that they were the ones that DJ’ed scoffing at everyone else’s taste. Peter was perched on an armchair with a book, but he wasn’t reading it, clearly having been distracted by Dorcas. Dorcas, along with Pandora, was actually in a different house, but their friendship with Mary, Marlene and Lily got them invited to all the Godric parties. And vice versa. Pandora was poking at the fire, trying to warm her hands in the chilly autumn air. Mary hoped this would be the last cold day of autumn, she loved that period of transition into summer when the sun showed its face but was calmed by cool breezes or light, warm rain.
Mary bounded over to Sirius and Remus, pushing herself in between the two boys, “Heya! Any ABBA on the list tonight?”
Sirius scoffed, “Not if I can help--”
“Yeah we’ll put one on for you Mary,” Remus said, reaching around Mary to whack Sirus in the head. Mary laughed as Sirius scowled at Remus, “Thanks, Lupin,” she giggled, walking away with a cute wave. Over his shoulder he gestured vaguely over his shoulder at her in acknowledgement, already back to muttering with Sirius. Marlene appeared at Mary’s side,
“Really, McDonald? Even Remus?”
Mary turned to her, confused, “What?”
Marlene turned away slightly, fiddling with the end of her choppy blonde ponytail. She scuffed her shoes together and said, “I mean, we all heard that giggle…”
Mary was taken aback, did Marlene think she was flirting? She took a step backwards, hurt creeping up inside her chest. She could take it from most people, but coming from Marlene, her best friend, her beautiful best friend, Mary was stung.
Mary clenched her jaw, “Well, glad to know that’s what you think of me.”
Marlene’s green eyes were full of regret, but there was anger behind them too, “Wait, Mary, I’m sorry, don’t be mad…”
Her apologies fell on deaf ears as Mary turned away and went to sit with Lily and Pandora near the fire. She drew her legs up to her chest and put her head between her knees. Stupid Marlene. Stupid beautiful Marlene. She had been Mary’s best friend since day one and Mary had never felt as loved as she did when she was with Marlene. But god it was painful sometimes. Painful to have to watch her from a distance. To study her face in the dark. To let her eyes trace Marlene’s collarbones as she stretched, a warm smile on her face. To feel her hands on her hands and in her hair and on her legs and sometimes, accidentally, on her jaw, or cheek. Painful to love so hard. Most days she felt disgusted about it. She was unnatural and perverted, to be looking at her best friend like that. But Mary couldn’t stop. Every time Marlene’s head tipped back in a laugh, or she did that thing she did with her knuckles, or she winked at Mary playfully, Mary couldn’t stop. One day Mary hoped she would finally go out with a guy that made her feel the way Marlene did. She was still hoping. One sour kiss at a time.
.-+☆+-.
The party was in full swing. People were tipsy if not already quite drunk and everyone was shouting over the music. Mary had tried to separate herself from Marlene since their last conversation, but she couldn’t hide forever. She hoped maybe if the two of them mutually agreed to forget it they could move on. Mary took a sip of her beer for courage and joined the group of her friends milling around the middle of the room. They were chatting loudly over the pounding sound system when Mary shoved her way into the misshapen circle. Marlene was on her left and out of the corner of her eye she saw Marlene glance at her and then look away again. Mary cleared her throat and turned to her right to engage Sirius and James in conversation instead. She made idle chatter with them about soccer, and how they were feeling for exams, but she felt Marlene’s eyes on the back of her head.
“-so praise god that Prongs and Evans got their shit together. Can you imagine trying to do finals while having to listen to him pine away for every waking second?” Sirius was laughing, elbowing his best friend. The ease between them was something Mary had always been jealous of.
“Yes, well you can thank Remus and I for that,” Mary quipped, praising her own role in setting the two up.
Remus’s head turned at the sound of his name and he found Sirius in the crowd, coming to stand opposite him.
Drunkenly, Sirius sunk into an exaggerated bow, hand outstretched like a knight to his king, and slurred, “Thank you wonderful, amazing, handsome, helpful Moony, for sparing us from any more of James’s whining!”
Remus blushed, embarrassed, and slapped Sirius hand away good humouredly, “Shut up, drunk prick,” he muttered.
Sirius grinned at him and winked then turned back to Mary, “Hey, I’m feeling generous tonight, any song requests MacDonald?”
Mary hummed in thought. Marlene’s bright laugh filled her ears from behind her and she glanced over her shoulder to see her best friend talking to Lily, eyes squinting with happiness and hands running through her hair that tumbled just over her shoulders in thick waves.
“Got any Fleetwood Mac?”
“ ‘Rumours’ okay?”
“Perfect. Wait, Sirius”
He spun around, looking at her expectantly.
“Do you have the deluxe edition? With-”
Sirius smirked, raising an eyebrow at her, “Yeah, I do. Coming right up.”
The song flickered to life as Sirius found the track, Stevie’s voice crooning through the system. The song started out slow and people just continued to chitter over it, but as the crescendo began, people started singing along, Sirius even stood on the table singing into his drink like a microphone. Mary turned to find Marlene’s eyes on her. Again.
Across the room full of rowdy teenagers, all drunk and carefree. It felt like the world stilled to that moment. The moment that the met eyes and Mary watched Marlene suck in a breath, hands falling to her sides.
Well, time casts a spell on you but you won't forget me
But I know I could have loved you but you would not let me, go ahead and try
I know I could have loved you but you would not let me, was I just a fool?
I'll follow you down 'til the sound of my voice will haunt you, give me just a chance
Marlene’s gaze softened as she held Mary’s and her head tilted slightly. Mary looked away first.
.-+☆+-.
Was I just a fool?
.-+☆+-.
“Okay okay okay,” Lily said, slurring slightly but trying to take charge of the situation. That was as loose as Lily could be.
Lily, Mary, Dorcas, Marlene, Pandora, James, Sirius, Peter and Remus were sitting in a circle on the floor, varying degrees of drunkenness on a scale of Dorcas (who didn’t drink) to Sirius who was the loudest in the room currently, and seemed to need to lean against someone for stability whenever he shifted his position.
“Time for a game, my loves,” Lily announced, and she proceeded to pull an empty beer bottle out from under a table. The party had dulled, and no one was left in the dorm except Mary and her friends. There were various reactions to the bottle’s appearance. Remus groaned, Dorcas let out a sharp laugh and James paled at the sight of it. So did Marlene. But no one protested so Lily placed the bottle in the middle of the circle and spun it.
It landed on Remus who blushed and offered his cheek. Lily giggled and complied, and James visibly relaxed once he realised that was an option.
“Tsk, boring,” Sirius scolded his friend, but Remus just side-eyed him and said, “You wanna go up against Prongs? Be my guest.”
Remus spun the bottle and as it slowed to the person, Remus’s eyes went wide. Sirius.
Sirius let out a small huff, eyes locked on the bottle. He cleared his throat and said, “Well. C’mon Moony. You know the rules.”
Remus glanced at him and then at Lily, “Can it just be the cheek or something, like you did?” he asked, slightly pleadingly. Lily smirked and shook her head, “Couples rules only!”
“It’s okay Remus it doesn’t count,” someone called out and Remus turned towards Sirius who had shifted closer to Remus and was blinking up innocently at his friend, playing an exaggerated damsel. Remus swallowed, and then leaned in and kissed Sirius full on the lips, lingering only for a second before breaking away, flushed in the face. Sirius grinned, still in the same position, laughing like it was all very funny along with everyone else. But Mary could see hints of pink in his cheeks and his eyes barely left Remus the rest of the night, despite his drunken stupor.
“It’s your turn Padfoot!” James said excitedly, looking much more invested than he had before. Sirius spun the bottle and it stopped on Mary.
She felt Marlene stiffen beside her. Probably thinking this was another of Mary’s slutty exploits. Mary gritted her teeth at the thought, rose up onto her knees and grabbed Sirius by the collar roughly, dragging him in her a quick as a flash kiss before pushing him away again and sitting back down again. Sirius looked stunned,
“I think I have whiplash," he said in a daze. Mary laughed and reached for the bottle. It spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spu-
Marlene.
Mary’s breath hitched. Just her luck. What the fuck should she do.
Marlene was staring at her, mouth open. Mary turned and laughed nervously. Marlene shut her mouth and smirked, her bravado returning, “Kissing is one thing that MacDonald and I haven’t done. Can’t believe you’ve seen my tits but never let me hit!” She said, sounding confident and funny but Mary heard her breath catch on the last word. It got a laugh from everyone and Mary slapped her playfully, trying to cover her rising panic, “Don’t be crass, darling, we all know you’re desperate for me.”
Something flickered in Marlene’s deep green eyes, What-
Before Mary could even finish the thought, Marlene grabbed her by the jaw and pulled her in, smothering her gasp with her lips. She lingered for only a second, but Mary felt her chest swell in a wave of joy, pleasure and shock. Marlene’s hand left her jaw and Mary’s brain short circuited for a second before she remembered that everyone was watching. She laughed, and turned away from Marlene,
“Well, there you have it, Marlene’s such a lucky girl.”
Marlene blinked and realised it was her turn, she looked at the bottle with fear, “Uh, I’ll pass, thanks.”
Peter shrugged and took the bottle as he was sitting next to Marlene. It landed on Dorcas. The pair locked eyes and while Peter fiddled nervously with his shirt hem, Dorcas rolled her eyes and pulled him in. They kissed, and then kept kissing, until the two were locked together.
Sirius let out a wolfwhistle, which Mary joined, shouting, “Get it, Pete!”. Dorcas flipped Sirius and Mary off, without breaking the kiss and Sirus cackled. Finally they broke apart after James yelled at them to get a room and Peter looked star struck. Dorcas just smiled serenely and reached for the bottle.
.-+☆+-.
Mary flopped down in her bed. She had already helped Lily into bed, who was vying for second place of the drunkest, (clearly the pressure of finals had been affecting her) and now Mary was lying on her back, staring at the wood. She had closed the curtains of her bed, but her legs were sticking out, clearly giving away her position.
Softly, from the dark, Marlene’s voice called out, “Mary?”
Marlene froze, and then hummed questioningly back.
“Can I come in?”
Mary scrambled to sit up, tossing her usual elegance out the window, “Uhh, yep, yes, sure, yes.”
Marlene’s head poked through the curtains and for a second Mary forgot to be scared. She was reminded of the times when it was easier for her to pretend, and the times that the two of them sat in her bed at night gossiping and laughing, legs tangled and covers strewn. Just Mary and her best friend. Mary and Marlene.
“What’s up?” Mary asked casually as Marlene situated herself. It was harder to fit both of them than it was in their first year.
“I, uh, wanted to say sorry, for what I said before the party. It was mean, and you didn’t deserve it.”
Mary smiled, but looked down, “It’s alright, Marls. I did a little bit.”
Marlene frowned, “No you didn’t. I hate that every bloody twat of a boy at this school talks like you’re an object to pass around, and how they say you allow yourself to be passed around. And I hate that I sounded just like them.”
Mary looked up to see real anger flaring in Marlene’s expression, and Mary tilted her head gratefully and said, “Thank you. I just- I don’t know. I keep hoping one of the guys is gonna give me sparks. That one day I’ll kiss one of them and there will be this wave in my chest and I know and have proof that love is real and it’s something I can have.”
Marlene looked sad, “You are loved Mary, Lily loves you. I love you.” she said, the last bit coming out whispered and fast. She cleared her throat, “Anyway, I’m sorry for saying that. And…”
“What?”
“I’m sorry for kissing you.”
Mary felt her throat go dry, “I-it’s okay! It was just the game-”
“I know, I know,” Marlene said, raising her hand. Had she gotten closer?
She continued, “I just- would have rathered our first kiss be somewhere, less public.”
Mary’s chest contricted.
“...First…kiss?” Mary whispered. Marlene had definitely gotten closer. “Marlene, wha-”
“I saw you, during Silver Springs. I saw you. I know Mary. I know. I get it.” she cut herself off with a quiet laugh that sounded bordering on tears, “I get it more than you could ever fucking imagine.
“Every time your fucking hands touch mine, or my hair, or my legs, or you accidentally brush my jaw, or cheek, I fucking- I don’t know. It’s not fair to me that you can give away those touches to easily and not expect me to remember each one like I remember my own name. I mean fuck, Mary, if you could see how you look to me. How you look at me. It’s not fair.”
Mary’s hands were shaking. This happened to her in a dream once.
“Silver…Springs…” Mary said dazedly, her brain was going into overdrive. Surely she was imagining this. Her chest felt tight, but she smirked, unable to suppress her pride over that choice. It had been slightly vindictive at the time but to know it had an affect on Marlene in someway…
Marlene was sitting right across from her, face to face, her minimal makeup was looking worse for wear after the party and she was twisting her hands in the hem of her skirt nervously. But despite herself she laughed at Mary’s expression,
“Shut the fuck up, you bitch,”
“I didn’t say anything!” Mary protested, giggling. For a moment she felt swept up in their usual banter, but then Marlene’s words swirled around in the front of her brain and she cleared her throat. She had fantasised about this moment for years. Never thinking it was a moment that reality would grant her. She had given love confessions to the wall, full of profuse apologies for thinking such disgusting, perverted, impossible things. She had woken up from dreams in which she and Marlene lived on an alien planet where they could love each other forever and always, covered in a blanket of shame and longing. She had cried after dates, and after Marlene dated Peter in their second year of school, and after Marlene’s natural punkishness and extroverted personality made jokes that hit a little too close to home. She had smiled while listening to her favourite love songs and thought about slow dances. She had laughed with Marlene after they had slipped love notes to boys signed as various teachers. She had blushed every time Marlene had offered to help with her hair, and after Marlene had taught herself to do textured hair for Mary’s sake. Her favourite memory of Marlene was when they were lazing in the common room and the two of them plotted to sneak into the boy’s room to nick their liquor and Marlene had laughed so hard at something Mary quipped that she cried and laid on her back, breathless and beautiful.
She wrapped her hands around the back of Marlene’s neck, trying to hide their shaking and she felt Marlene go still under her touch.
“I never noticed you were looking too,”
Mary’s thumbs brushed the base of Marlene’s neck and she closed the distance between them slowly, giving Marlene ample time to pull away. Their second kiss was barely a brush. But the third was hungrier and the fourth hungrier still. Marlene’s lips against hers were soft but desperate, like she wanted to soak up every second. Slowly, Mary lowered Marlene down so that she was lying over her on the bed, one hand moving to her collarbones and the other tangled in her blonde hair. She heard and felt Marlene laugh quietly but joyfully into her kiss and Mary just melted. Her whole body was buzzing and she didn’t even take the time to process that she was kissing her best friend. And that her best friend was another girl. Mary felt sparks shooting through her body and to top it all off, Marlene, the beautiful bitch, decided to deepen the kiss, making Mary sigh slightly into her and nearly loose grip on her position.
Gasping for air, they finally broke apart, Mary staring down at Marlene from her position with wide eyes and a smile fighting to come to the surface. Marlene’s face split into a grin, by god did it light up that dark room, and she laughed a little too loud. Mary squeaked and slapped her hand over Marlene’s mouth and for a moment they both looked at each other in shock. Then they both burst into silent giggles. In between, Marlene peppered Mary’s face and jaw with light kisses and tried to pull her closer. Mary went willingly, sinking next to Marlene on the bed, their bodies pressed flush and noses bumping. Caught up in the moment, not thinking about what this means. Mary felt the thoughts coming to the surface. Did Marlene realise what she was doing?
“Hey Marlene?” Mary asked, feeling bold under Marlene’s stare.
“Mhm” the blonde said, leaning in to kiss her again. Mary melted into it again, helpless to resist. Marlene tasted like sugar and oranges.
“I’ve always wanted to tell you how fucking beautiful you really are.” Mary murmured into her kiss.
“Always?” Marlene said, pulling away. There was something on her face that looked like Marlene had snapped back to reality. Realised where she was, what she was doing, and who with. She drew back slightly, gaze fixed on Mary’s mouth. Mary felt her heart sink in fear. Her breath felt shorter and shame once again bubbled up in her chest. A familiar feeling. A feeling that had haunted her for years of stealing looks out of the corner of her eye.
Mary took a deep breath. Fuck it. They were already this far in.
“Do you know what you are doing Marlene?”
Marlene hesitated, her regular boyish bravado missing, “I-”
“Do you know what you are saying? Did you mean that?”
Marlene opened her mouth again but Mary put a finger to her lips, “Because I do, I mean everything I’m about to say and everything we’ve already done. I meant that. That meant something to me, Marlene. I’ve been on so many dates and some of them were fine, some where fucking terrible, and everytime I was left with the sickening idea that I would be, I don’t know, fated to spend my life with someone like those boys. And every time they looked at me, or said something, I found myself looking for parts of you, in them.
“I was looking for your laugh, your smile, your humor, your posture, your hands, your hair colour, the way you raise your eyebrow, the way you crack your knuckles, the way you tilt your head to the side when you are listening to me talk. Because it’s only ever been you, Marlene. It’s only every fucking been you, no matter how much I tried to ignore that.”
Mary hadn’t met her best friend’s eyes throughout her whole speech. Normally Mary was such a confident person. That was something she liked about herself. She had a reputation as brutally honest, composed, and highly intentional in everything about her appearance. However, laying there, the girl she had loved for years on top of her, confessing everything she had been holding in her heart, she found all those things had abandoned her. She forced herself to look at Marlene. The blonde’s eyes were filled with unspilled tears, glazing the green.
“Mary, God, I-” Marlene stopped and cleared her throat, “I don’t know what to say, I think maybe I understand though. I wasn't super aware of it though?
“I don’t think I realised that I had the option of being hopelessly in love with my best friend. I mean, you are my favourite person and I fucking love everything about you. I would worship the ground you walk on. You have always made me want to be better. But I guess it wasn’t until we kissed during that bloody stupid game that I realised that it was something I wanted. But god, I want it so much. I guess I always have.”
.-+☆+-.
Sometimes when Mary had confessed her love to walls, or fantasised about a life with Marlene forever, or an alternate universe where she was allowed to marry her, she had cried after. Not only because Mary knew that it would likely never be viable for her to marry a woman, but also because she never believed that she could have Marlene in the first place. But the next morning when she looked over and the morning sunlight haloed Marlene as she lay sprawled in her bed across the room, Mary thought that maybe everything would be alright.
.-+☆+-.
And how could you be no one
When you're everything to me?
You're everything to me
You're everything to me
You're everything to me