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On some level, X had known from the start it was never going to last.
He had hoped otherwise, of course. From the moment he first met Zero, he had been captivated. Not quite love at first sight- X didn't really believe in that- but there had been a fascination on both sides, a desire to know more. Both of them were relics, one- or perhaps two- of a kind, with no one else quite like them; even before they had become friends, there was the intrigue, the glances that lasted a little too long, the subtle draw towards each other. On some level, X thought, they'd both known- both kept from getting too close, for fear of getting burned- and then they'd fallen anyway.
He had known it wouldn't last, and he had known it would hurt like nothing else when the inevitable came. In every interaction- every smile, every conversation, every hug, every kiss, he had known, and still it felt like his core had been torn out of his chest, like he was a walking corpse denied its rest. After the pain faded, nothing came to replace it; he just felt hollow. He couldn't remember the last time he had laughed. The love of his life was gone and he had taken whatever was left of X with him.
He didn't even realize he'd been walking to that accursed room; he'd just ended up there while lost in thought. A lot of his days as of late were spent in a haze like that, actually- he had very little recollection of the past eighteen months. A year and a half, it had been a year and a half already… It felt like so little, and yet it had also felt like centuries. How was he meant to live the rest of his life like this-?
"None of us could have seen it coming." Alia's voice starled X out of his thoughts- apparently she'd seen him staring at the door and come over to offer comfort. Looking at her concerned face, he couldn't muster up the will to soothe her clear worry about him; before he'd have felt bad for making her worry, but now it seemed pointless. He was barely listening as she kept talking, "It's not forever, though, right? I mean, it's going to be a long time yet, but when a cure is found one day-"
"-they'll keep him locked up there even then," X interrupted, his voice mumbly and quiet and startlingly emotionless even to him. "The moment they found out, he became a liability. They'll find excuses, and eventually it will have been too long to realistically be able to repair the hibernation damage without the kind of technology we may never see invented. Even if the virus were to be gone forever, they'd keep him down there. I'm pretty sure he wanted it that way."
Alia's expression worsened, and X probably should have been disturbed at the way he felt nothing about it as she replied, "I'm sure that isn't the case, X… And even if it were, you couldn't have known. There was nothing anyone could do. At… at least he isn't in pain anymore."
That finally made him feel something, just fleetingly for a moment- made him feel nauseous and upset, which was unpleasant, but something was better than nothing. "What's the use in that sentiment? Sure, he isn't in pain, because he just dumped all of it onto the rest of us..." He didn't look at her; he didn't care to see how she would react to that and to the obvious scowl that was surely on his face right now.
"…I'm sorry, I just… don't know what to say to help… We all did everything we could," she offered lamely after a moment.
"I didn't." The confession that had been burning his throat now burned his tongue, before fading. He'd lived with that guilt for quite some time, but much like every other part of him, that had dried up. Maybe that was why he was finally talking about it.
"X, stop beating yourself up-" she started, but X interrupted again. "I knew. I knew he was going to do it."
He used the moment of silence that followed to collect his thoughts from continuing. "I knew since we met, Alia. He only ever tolerated being alive. He jumped at every chance to do something stupid, he craved every opportunity to be reckless with his life- he told me first, when he found out about his past. I knew it was a cry for help and I knew what he was planning, and I didn't stop him." There wasn't a single tremble in his voice.
"…Why?" Alia's expression almost made X regret turning back to her at that moment. "Why didn't you…?"
"If you had known him as well as I did, you wouldn't have had the heart to stop him, either," he murmured, turning his gaze back to the door. "If you had seen his expression waking up every morning, if you had heard the way he talks about himself- He could smile and laugh when he wanted to, but as long as I've known Zero, he was never once really, truly happy."
"And how do you know he wouldn't have gotten the chance to be?" Alia asked softly. X was surprised- perhaps almost surprised, whatever threatened to rise up in his chest quickly dulled- that she wasn't yelling at him. He'd expected a stronger reaction when he finally confessed.
"It wouldn't have mattered if he did," he replied. "It would just be torn away from him with time, and then he'd have to live with the knowledge of what things could be like. I was happy once, and I know it isn't worth it." He ignored the distraught reaction that Alia quickly smoothed off of her face at that sentence, and kept speaking, "It was selfish of me, keeping him here as long as I did… I didn't think I could bear the pain of losing him, on top of everything else, but I swore to myself once that I would find a way someday to prevent him from ever being in that much agony ever again." X felt his voice tremble for the first time in months, but his eyes stayed dry, as they had the past several years now; even before Zero was gone, he'd begun to lose himself. "If that meant letting him go and taking on the pain myself, I thought, it would be worth it to know he wouldn't be hurting anymore… but it doesn't feel worth it."
"Then… then what does it feel like?" Alia sounded like she was about to cry.
"It doesn't feel like anything," X replied. "Nothing feels like anything anymore. At least that helps me let him go, though."
Alia didn't have a response to that, and the two stood in silence for several moments. He did his best to conjure up any sort of feeling when he heard her sniffle and choke back a sob, but came up empty. She had likely caught onto the fact that X was just as gone as Zero was, only in a different way. A year or two ago, that thought would have made him want to vomit.
"I have some reports to catch up on," he said eventually, abruptly breaking the silence. "I'll see you later, Alia."
He didn't talk to Alia again either, and he didn't attend the funeral when she was retired- some mission or other gone wrong, or maybe she'd been infected. He couldn't remember at this point.
He couldn't remember where the door to that room had been, either. With how spotty his memory had become, he doubted he'd be able to find his way back if he tried.
He almost wished it bothered him when he realized he'd now also forgotten Zero's face and the sound of his voice entirely. It should have destroyed him, shouldn't it?
…He was already destroyed long ago. He had known from the start, hadn't he? He'd known Zero would dissappear from his life- and he'd known just as well, no matter how much he'd surpressed the thought, that he'd take everything X was with him.