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Ivan retrieved his backpack from his locker and slung it over his shoulder with a mighty gust of energy. Some students looked his way by the sound of it hitting his locker, but this was Ivan; the star football player for ANAKT high so it wasn’t that unusual for a jock to be energetic.
The boy fished his wallet out of his jeans pocket before counting the bills that he had saved up both from an allowance and his own volunteer work. Ivan was only 17, barely dipping his toes into adulthood, but due to the law he couldn’t do much heavy lifting to earn enough cash for a stable living condition, so he had to settle on small chores like jobs like mowing the neighbor’s lawn or walking a dog. Regardless, it was enough to hold him over.
His fingers glanced over the last bill before coming to a halt and the raven smiled to himself softly before flipping it closed and setting it back into his pocket. “₩30,000.” Ivan whispered to himself while straightening his bag. “That should be just enough.”
“Just enough for what?”
The jock tenses up, quickly turning his direction towards the sound of the voice that wasn’t his, worried that it might be another jock or one of his classmates, but he allows the weight to fall off his shoulders with a large sigh of relief when he realizes it was just his best friend.
“A book I’ve been wanting.” Ivan responds with a low voice, making sure students passing by couldn’t hear the conversation. “It’s the last part of the series and I want to be able to read it before spoilers drop.”
“That’s exciting, what series is it?” Till asks before walking over to stand next to him, an attempt at a hint. His knee lightly brushes the other while he moves and Ivan feels himself tensing up once again as the current situation reminds him of something from within the series.
He pushes down his emotions and side steps a bit away to create some space before swallowing. “Ah, you wouldn’t really like it.” He lies. Till wasn’t that big of a reader as it was, but there was still a small chance that he'd check it out because Ivan liked it and he couldn’t let that happen. Even if it would take months for him to catch up to the point of the story Ivan was at.
The jock tightens the straps of his backpacks before navigating the hallway towards the school exit. “Plus, you don’t read.” He adds to the conversation.
“What?! That’s not true! I do read! S- Sometimes.” Till argued while speeding to walk alongside his friend and the raven just chuckled softly at his reaction.
“The backs of tape covers and CD’s don’t count, Till.”
“Why not?! It’s reading words isn’t it? Are you the king of reading? Did you make the reading laws?”
“Yes, I did actually and you don’t qualify as a reader.” Ivan teases with a finger wiggle. “Buy a chapter book and read it cover to back and maybe I’ll consider you one of my civilians.”
“No way, that would take so long!” Till whined. “Do you know how many paintings I could make in the span of that time? Like- at least 10!”
Ivan hums playfully before stopping his feet and turning towards Till. There’s a gap of silence as the two shared a look and Ivan was about to wish him off before Till spoke first and his whole body filled with nerves.
“Hey uh… I was going to go to the store to like- get more paint and stuff you know? My mom said it could be an early Christmas gift and it’s across town so I was wondering if you wanted to go with me?”
Heat rises to Ivan’s face. A whole afternoon alone with Till? Oh God- he wasn’t ready– …Was he? He did have all the signals memorized and Till had been giving them to him so, would it really be that bad to do it before finishing the series? No… he had to see what happened. Doing it now was just- too risky.
“That sounds like a lot of fun, but remember our talk from earlier?” Ivan smiles sadly. He really did want to hang with Till, but he couldn’t risk messing something this big up.
“Oh- right… your book series.” Till chuckles in embarrassment while scratching the back of his neck. “Sorry, I forgot you already had plans... That’s okay I can go by myself.”
“How about we meet at my house afterwards?” Ivan blurts without thinking and he internally curses when Till looks at him with confusion. “If I didn’t have plans I’d love to hang out with you and I’m probably not going to finish this entire book in a day so how about when you’re done with your art stuff you bike over and you can show me that song you’ve been wanting me to hear.”
The world seems to brighten when Till smiles widely and nods. “Yeah, I think that’s a good plan. My mom is working late tonight so it’s not like I’ll be leaving her at home alone, you know?”
Ivan nods. “My dad is on a business trip and my mom, like yours, is out late so it will just be you and me.” Fuck- why did he say that? What if that’s too weir-
“Cool!” Till responds, playfully punching Ivan’s arm which of course causes the other to swallow nervously. “You better not cancel on me like that one time.” Till threatens.
“I wouldn’t dream of it.” Ivan reassures with a smile.
-~-
Ivan was so excited that he didn’t even put down the kickstand for his bike, he just told himself he’d stand it up later before his mom gets home. He practically flung himself up his stairs and into his bedroom before closing it with a slam. Putting the stuff away within his backpack could wait. For now he just hung it on the open side of his closet before throwing himself onto his bed and taking the book out of the bag.
The smell of the new book was already enough for him to close his eyes and sigh dreamily. He riffled through the pages to get an estimate of how long this volume would be and even though there was no way to prove his current theory, he was still certain that this had less pages than the other volumes.
Which makes logical sense after all. This was the last book of the series, the one that explains everything and wraps up the journey, of course it would be shorter.
The raven wastes no time on diving into the first chapter. He kicks his feet with a slight giddy when it begins where the last volume left off; Ivan loved when things came full circle.
The jock wasn’t one who really dreamed or clung onto any hope for his future. He saw the world for how it was; cynical. He simply only started the series because he had read all of his other novels and he wasn’t expecting to relate to the main character, Pine.
Pine and Ivan connected on a spiritual level; going through the same situation and same cycle of self torture until the protagonist would build up the courage to come out to the friend he’s been yearning to date.
The chapters flew by as Ivan hyper focused to continue reading. His position changed from time to time as well, such as laying on his back and resting his feet against his wall or sitting up and reading from his lap.
The longer he read, the less excited he became to find out what happens, but he tried to stay hopeful, after all this was the last edition of a 10 volume long story. The 5th and 6th was a bit of a let down, but it picked back up again with the more recent ones, especially the previous, so surely things would get back on track if he just kept chugging along.
To avoid burnout he allowed himself to do some small things around the house, like standing his bike up in the garage for starters. He made himself a snack, did a page of homework and tidied up his room a bit as well before jumping back into a uh… okay, story, for right now anyway.
Ivan gasped loudly, dropping the book out of shock before physically backing up. “Oh shit– oh fuck-” He says out loud while staring at the item. This was it. The moment that had been hinted at in the very first chapter of volume 1. The moment that had made the main character feel like a mistake in volumes 7 and 8. It was finally going to be brought up.
Ivan was shaking, planting himself in Pine’s shoes and projecting his own life within these characters. He lets out a shaky sigh, inching close enough to pick the book back up and continue to read. His heart thumps intensely as he reread the sentence that gave him such a scare. He could feel the tension and the emotion between the two characters building up and then…
“Wha… What?” Ivan questions. His eyebrows sag and his eyes scan each word of the page with a squint before shooting open. “This isn’t- this isn’t right- did I skip a page?” He asks himself, going backwards and reading a bit before turning to the current page. Something was wrong.
The raven sits up straight, thinking maybe the relaxed position was causing the haze as he flipped between the pages a second time, but he hadn’t skipped anything… This was how the book was written.
Ivan rarely cries as he was somebody who kept his emotions under lock and key and only showed what he wanted people to see, but this single scene had tears rolling down his cheeks and it wasn’t in a positive way.
[“I had this stupid crush that was ruining my life, but I realized that he’s not like me and I’m so, so sorry for making him uncomfortable by loving him and I promise that I know better now.”] Pine expressed.
“He’s… apologizing?” Ivan asks. His voice was tiny, imitating one of a child and by the time the scene was over the jock was full of sobbing, tear drops splashing onto the page before it was closed with harsh force.
He sits there, panting with eyes full of hurt and disbelief at what he just read. What was the point of volume 9 if they were going to take away the hope of being loved like that? What about the droplet turning into a flood? The signals chat the main character had with his mentor??
…Did Till feel that way?
Ivan cries harder. Something that he was confident in doing had now been hammered into the deepest depths of fear. Till had given him signals, but what if it was bullshit? Friendly batter between two *friends*. Would knowing he was in love with him hurt Till? Ruin his life that he was thought of like that? Oh Jesus–
He couldn’t confess to Till.
He could survive not dating him, but he wouldn’t be able to live without their friendship and this conversation would surely ruin that.
Ivan was made wrong.
He was a mistake. A twisted individual who doesn’t fit into society’s club.
He wasn’t normal. Why did he ever think that somebody like him could be happy? Because of some dumb fictional story?
God he was so stupid.
He was so deep into a hole that he didn’t even hear the phone in his bedroom ring until the second or third time. He didn’t want to answer it. He didn’t want to talk to anybody, but if it was business related, Unsha would probably punish him for the missed opportunity for the business. He cleans himself up as best as he can before picking up and answering with a simple greeting.
[“Hey Ivan, sorry I’m late for our get together! My bike ended up getting a flat so I had to turn around and go back home and fill it with air- but don’t worry! I think I should arrive there in about an hour?”]
“Hang out?” Ivan questions and he hears Till shift on the other side of the line.
[“Yeah, the hang out! Remember? You were going to read a bit of your book and I was going to come over to show you that band?”]
Ivan cringes at the mention of the book, reminding him of the horrible scene he just read, but then he registers what Till had actually said. Fuck he forgot all about that. “Oh! Oh yeah, that’s fine!”
[“Ivan, are you okay? You sound distracted.”]
“I’m fine, I just forgot about our conversation earlier. Must have read more than I planned on.” The jock laughs. “I should probably go get ready so, I’ll see you soon.”
[“Wait, Ivan-”]
Ivan’s end of the line goes dead with an unsatisfying buzzing.
-~-
As soon as Ivan greeted him at the door with a towel, Till could tell that something was up, but he kept it to himself before walking inside. The two boys lived across town and to make matters worse it had started raining mid bike ride over. The emo dries himself off as best as he can before handing the item back to his friend.
“So, the tape is currently rewinding which means we probably have like- twenty minutes or something." Till explained. “Did you finish your book or uh, stop at a place you liked?”
Ivan folds the towel up in his arms before looking over. Just being reminded of the story sends him on the verge of tears, but he blinks a few times before answering. “Yeah, it’s a filler scene right now so you had perfect timing.”
Till knew something was up over the phone and seeing him in person didn’t change his mind, but Ivan was good at hiding his feelings and that usually gave Till nothing to work with. Of course, he’s never directly admitted this to Ivan so he simply ignored it.
“Did your mind get unattached from your body for a second?” Ivan teases. “You were spaced out for a little bit.”
Till freezes up at that, embarrassed of his lack of social interaction before punching the jock’s arm. “I was just thinking about tomorrow’s test!” He shouts. “I haven’t studied in awhile, okay!”
The conversation ends with a shared look. Something that once gave him confidence now caused a pit to form in his stomach and he only felt worse when Till bumped his elbow while passing to get to the stairs.
Ivan holds his arm, his pulse pounding in his ears while he follows behind. He was so stupid to plan something as dangerous as telling Till the truth about how he feels. About him. Allegations alone were enough to put a target on your back and if Till had rejected him and somebody found out?
It would be all his fault.
The two boys reach Ivan’s room and Ivan tosses the damp towel across the room into the hamper, as you do with most dirty laundry. Usually he wasn’t sloppy, especially when company came over and he was just glad that the person to notice the book was Till and not his dad.
“Is this the series?” The emo asks, picking up the left out book and flipping through it a bit. “Oh! I’ve seen this in stores! Things Are Strange, right?”
“Yeah.” Ivan says simply, distancing himself in front of his open closet to give Till space. “I’m not really big into sci-fi, but I ran out of stuff to read and I guess it was okay.”
Till looks Ivan up and down slowly, noticing his current coping mechanisms and frowning. “Did the finale stink or something?”
Ivan turns his head away slightly, his grip on his arm tightening as he sighs. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Well at least Till had his answer now. He knew something was wrong and if something Ivan was really excited for ended up to suck that would do it. He skims through the book a bit more before asking permission. “Can I read some of it? I promise I won’t bend it or whatever.”
Ivan stays silent for a bit. His heart wants him to instantly shout no just in case he stumbled on the chapter that made the jock drop the series, but his brain shuts it down with its side of logic. Really, what are the odds that Till would find that specific chapter and more rarely that certain page? The chances are low, so what the hell.
“Yeah, sure.”
Till shuffles through a few pages only this time he reads some of them. He lacked any context on these characters and the plot, but in the beginning chapters he could see why Ivan was drawn to it, but it only seemed to get worse as he went on. The next page he turned to caused something in his mind to click.
He knew Ivan was upset and with the confirmation that the final part of the series was bad would make sense, but Till knew there was something deeper. Disappointment is hard, but company of a good friend could make anybody feel better about something fictional, but Ivan was *distancing* himself and the way his smile didn’t reach his eyes only convinced Till more.
With just a few tear stains on the page, Till had connected the dots about everything.
“Ivan.” Till says it calmly, but there’s a hint of seriousness that causes the jock’s body to tense up, but before he can respond, Till speaks again and though it’s inappropriate to blurt out, he feels it’s needed. “Are you gay?”
The hairs on the back of his neck stand up, his pulse pounds harder in his ears as his heart slams against his ribcage. It’s like his body had activated a panic button. “W-What?” He stutters, trying to sound confused, but his voice breaks towards the end. This had to be a nightmare.
Till doesn’t ask again, he just continues to stare him down and Ivan wanted nothing more than to curl up in his closet and cry, but he tried to deflect the allegation.
“No, no! Hah- Don’t be silly Till I’m– I’m not a fag! Wh- Why would you think that?”
Till turns the book around, pointing to the tear splashes that had dripped and dried along the wording and Ivan just panics more with widened eyes. Not only did Till find the page, but the jock had also left evidence for how it affected him.
“It was a sad scene!” Ivan blurted as a protest. “Till, come on now! You really think I’m gay? Me? I- I’m captain of the football team! I date girls all the time! You’re crazy, you know that? We’ve known each other since kindergarten and you think I’m one of *those* people? That’s really offensive T-Till! I- I’d never-”
“Ivan.”
The raven stops. The grip on his arm was so tight he could feel himself cutting off his blood circulation. He was on the verge of hyperventilating; breathing in and out with such tense emotion that Tiill had never witnessed before and the panic only got worse when the emo began to approach him.
“It’s okay.” Till says it softly but then repeats himself to be louder. Ivan had to hear this. “I don’t care if you’re gay. I think people who hate others for wanting love is actually an asshole move.”
Till had more to say, debating making himself vulnerable as well but Ivan’s sudden breakdown and strong hug caused him to freeze up.
“Till I’m so sorry! I’m so, so sorry I swear I know better and I’m sorry that I ever thought about dragging you into danger with me!”
“Whoa- Okay– Ivan- slow down-” Till requests, rubbing the jock’s back as he continues to break down against his shoulder. “You’re not making any sense right now… What are you apologizing for? You’ve never made me feel like I was in danger.”
Ivan’s panting worsened, like he was currently being held at gunpoint as he cried louder. “I like you Till!” He shouts through sobs and the emo stays silent. “Like– I really, *really* like you! I’ve been in love with you since we were kids and it’s so, so dumb because I know you’re not like me and if anybody found out about this you’d have allegations of being a fag and it would be all my fault!”
“Ivan-”
“I tried, I really tried! I went to church, I read a Bible, I accepted every girl’s confession but I felt nothing! I prayed every night to be fixed and I just can’t! I’m broken, I’m different! And I’m so, so sorry you have to be friends with somebody like me!”
“Ivan!” Till shouts, trying to be heard over the raven’s intense sobs and he finally raises his voice loud enough as Ivan’s jumbling reduces to hyperventilating and struggles to breathe.
Till lets go and Ivan feels his heart sink as more tears spill from his face, but Till doesn’t leave. His hands rested against Ivan’s face, forcing their contact and the emo had never seen the jock look like this. He didn’t even cry when his team lost the championship one year and everybody turned against them for the time being. It hurts to see him like this and he hopes he can help.
“You are different, but there’s nothing wrong with that. So what if you don’t like the opposite gender? Why should that define you as a mistake when you’re human like everybody else? Society is just a big bully and yeah easier said than done, but their opinions on you just because you love differently are fucking stupid. You’re an amazing football player, extremely smart and even if you don’t believe it, very sweet.”
Ivan slightly chuckles at that, the tears still falling down his face, but he doesn’t dare interrupt Till’s speech.
“And how do you know I’m not like you?” Time seemed to stop here and now Ivan was 100% convinced he was dreaming. “You never asked me, did you?”
Ivan blinks. Maybe it’s an attempt for his brain to start up again or trying to see past the tears blurring his vision. “What?” He asks. His voice is so small that it’s barely heard. “But you have a crush on Mizi…”
“Dumbass, think about what you said earlier!”
“About dating girls…?”
“Mizi’s aesthetic is one of the most girliest girly girls in our school. I mean- she's a cheerleader who parties! If people saw me staring at her and getting all flustered around her then of course nothing would be rumored… but if I did that with you everybody would know.”
The room is silent for a few seconds before the emo continues.
“I think Mizi is pretty and all, but she's not you, Ivan. I’m different too and at first I thought I was disgusting, but I’ve come to learn that being different is okay.” Green eyes flash up to meet dark ones. “I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember and I thought *you* weren’t like me. You’re the most popular guy in school! The girls are constantly swooning over you! Me? I’m just some- emo loser with barely any friends. I didn’t think I had any sort of chance and I cried myself to sleep over this.”
The world brightens as Till talks and the rest of what he says gets lost in Ivan’s mind as he stares at the boy hopefully. Till was… queer? He loved him too? Did he really give Ivan signals this whole time like what happened to Pine? Did he really stress out over nothing?
“I don’t want to be afraid anymore, Ivan.” Is the sentence that the jock’s ears pick up. “I know we can’t do anything in public, but I don’t want to keep hiding who I am, not from you… let’s be different. Together.” Till smiles softly, extending his hand and awaiting Ivan to accept his request.
“What about my dad?”
“My mom doesn’t know either. Maybe I’ll tell her someday, but I’m glad the first person I got to tell was you.”
Ivan stares at Till’s empty hand and the tears well up in his eyes once again, but it’s not from fear or anxiety, but love. His fingers grip the emo’s, creating a tight bond as he hugs him once again and this time Till hugs back.
“I love you Till.” Ivan sniffles, feeling the gigantic weight fall from his chest and shoulders.
“I love you too, Ivan.”
They stay attached to each other for a while before Till is the one to disconnect. He punches Ivan’s arm playfully before speaking. “Come on, I’m sure the tape is done rewinding by now.”
“Oh, right-” Ivan chuckles. “I totally forgot that was why you came over.”
The two boys share a look. Blushing and smiling at each other like they lived in a children’s storybook.
Love may look different, but it’s love regardless.