Work Text:
What had started as a normal day quickly spiraled into something much more. Kouji had been left alone with his thoughts for far too long. Doubts and fears creeping in with no way of escape and no outlet. So nonsensical and dark that he spewed hate as soon as he was given the attention he so needed.
He didn't mean it. Really, he didn't. And he could tell the words hurt, that's why he said them.
But Kouji can't even remember what he'd said.
He remembers being angry, hurt, upset. Defensive. His chest feels raw, as if he's been carved up inside and hollowed out, leaving his aching wet heart bare for all to see. For them to see and judge, in all of his ugly presentation.
In the moment, it felt like the only thing he could do was to hurt them first, before they could leave him. Before they even had the opportunity to hurt him.
Because... well, he loves them so much. So much, it aches to think of them leaving. One moment, they are everything. They are the only light in his world. But the next? They are the enemy. A threat. So much that his mind conjures up scenarios that spiral into worse scenarios until he can't tell fact from fiction. And he knows. He knows they didn't do anything wrong.
But even the pause between their words feels like a rejection. Like a closed door, footsteps fading away. The time away feels like they are escaping from him. As if he is the ball and chain holding them down, rather than a gentle warmth they come home to.
He knows it's just in his head. He's making things up again. But what if there is some sliver of truth there? What if they do secretly hate him? What if they're only staying out of pity, or to gain something from him?
The fear is louder than any reason, and the fear says: they will leave. Like everyone else, they will tire of you.
What if. What if.
So, he bares his teeth, and he snarls his words, and he doesn't hold back with the venom he hurls at them. He wants to hurt them, because surely- surely, they wanted to hurt him first?
He can't let himself believe otherwise.
Oh, it aches.
**
It's happening again, and Kouji can feel it. He loves Shinso, so deep and intense that it feels as if his heart would jump out of his chest every time the other man looks his way. He loves him so much, he would worship at Shinso's feet.
And yet. And yet.
Why does he feel his heart breaking every time Shinso looks away? Why does it feel like rejection every second he has to wait for a reply?
He loves Shinso, and Shinso loves him. He knows this, Shinso says it so much. It must be true.
But what if. What if.
Kouji clenches his teeth, his palms sweaty as he pulls his phone out of his pocket, his hands shaking as he frantically calls Shinso. He needs him. He needs him.
The wait is torturous. What if Shinso has moved on? What if this was all a lie? What if-
"Hello? I'm a bit busy right now, so I can't talk for long. What do you need, dear heart?"
Shinso's voice is a balm to Kouji's pounding, wretched heart, and he sighs heavily into the phone. "Just to hear ya, my love. Just yer voice, for a moment."
The reassurance that Shinso is there. That he'll answer, even when he's busy. That he lets Kouji monopolize his time.
"Bad thoughts again, Kouji?"
Of course, Shinso knows what was happening. Kouji can't bring himself to feel embarrassed, not when talking to the man makes him so happy.
"Not too bad, this time. Could feel it gettin' there, though."
"I'll be done here in an hour, then come to you. Why don't you take a break and make some lunch while you wait?"
Kouji is already rising to his feet, shutting his work laptop and leaving his office. "I'll have some food ready for ya when ya get here, doll."