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“No way am I going up there to jump into the void,” Jiung said in a serious and firm tone of voice, crossing his arms. “You guys do whatever you want, but don't count on me.”
“What a chicken,” Taeyang replied. “We brought you here for an unforgettable experience for your birthday.”
Jiung had never been a particularly violent person, but the urge to murder Taeyang —and the rest of his group of friends by association because they had all agreed to take him there as a birthday present— was strong. Jiung had to take a deep breath to stop himself. A quintuple murder would not look good on his CV, and he had worked hard to maintain an impeccable CV throughout his life. The urge to kill them was still there, latent, after several deep breaths, but Jiung had calmed down enough that it wouldn't resurface unless the others got on his nerves in a special way —more than they already had with this whole trip—.
For once, for one damn time, Jiung had let his friends take him on a trip without planning anything himself because it was a special trip that the others wanted to give him as a birthday present... a trip that Jiung felt he shouldn't have agreed to because they had taken him bungee jumping. Him. He was incapable of riding a roller coaster, even one for children, he was terrified of the speed those rides reached and, above all, the steep drops. He hated it with all his might. Once, because of a dare he had refused to lose because he was proud and his pride was at stake, he had got on one that he had considered manageable at first, but he had ended up crying, throwing up and shaking all over because of how bad it had been.
At what blessed moment had his friends decided that taking him bungee jumping was the experience he most wanted for his twenty-fourth birthday? How could they have thought of wishing him death in such a horrific way? Hadn't they thought about him at all or what he would want, and only thought about how they could have fun?
The truth was that Jiung was quite angry with them, from the moment he realised that the weekend in the countryside they had planned included that damn activity. They had tricked him into going there and now they expected him to do something like that... and he didn't even know why his friends wanted to put him through such a bad time. The only thing he could think of was that they wanted to laugh at him, as he climbed onto that platform a thousand metres above the water raft on which it sat and burst into tears, unable to jump. If that was what they had intended, Jiung wasn't going to give them the satisfaction.
“Jiung,” Keeho's voice brought him out of his thoughts and back to reality, finding the other boy standing in front of him, looking at him with concern and something else that the boy couldn't quite identify, but which made his heart skip a beat inside his chest. “I didn't know the others had planned this as an activity, but if you want, you can jump with me.”
Jiung's eyes widened in surprise at what Keeho had just said, and he must have looked utterly comical because a small smile appeared on Keeho's lips, a smile that almost made Jiung run away. However, in order not to appear even stranger than he already was, Jiung tried to calm down and analyse Keeho's words as quickly as possible in his head. Had he also been unaware of that little detail about the bungee jumping? It was possible. Keeho wouldn't have let them take him to do something like that without showing his opposition to it because he had been there with him on the day of the dare at the amusement park, he had seen the state he was in when he came down and had stayed with him the rest of the time, helping him when he was throwing up, giving him water, stroking his back, calming his tremors with his presence and care. Jiung had fallen in love with him that day. He had never told him.
That wasn't important, though. What was important was that Keeho had offered to jump with him. Not to leave him alone if he agreed to do it. And that caused butterflies to start fluttering in his stomach, making Jiung feel like a teenager again. But as much as his feelings for Keeho were completely stirred up by that offer born of his friend's concern —the word in bold, capital letters and underlined— Jiung wasn’t willing to do something like that.
“I'm not going to jump,” Jiung replied, trying to be firm.
“I wouldn't either if I were you,” Keeho replied, giving him a smile that made his heart do a somersault. “When we decided to bring you here for your birthday, we only wanted to give you some experiences that, if it were up to you, you would never try, and moments of rest and relaxation in nature," he said, opening his arms as if he wanted to embrace the place where they were, a place where different water activities were done using the river and the surrounding wooded area as part of the charm. “I understand that bungee jumping is too much for you and that you don't even want to go up, but if you feel like it, my offer to do it together still stands.”
Keeho took his hands in his and squeezed them, looking at him so sincerely that Jiung felt his ears burn from how that look made him feel. The contact lasted only a few seconds, and when Keeho finally let go of his hands and broke eye contact to go with the others to the office of the complex to confirm their reservation and use the facilities, Jiung ended up following him as if the other had such a strong magnetic field that his attraction to him was completely inevitable and irremediable.
~
As he felt the man's hands adjusting the harness around his body, Jiung couldn't help thinking that he was completely mad, mad as a hatter. He had followed Keeho without even thinking about the consequences of his actions. He had signed the papers giving his consent to exempt the complex's management from any liability if anything happened during the jump. He had weighed himself alone and with Keeho and had boarded the lift to the platform with the rest of his friends. If anyone ever asked him what had led him to do it, Jiung would say that he had been possessed by some demonic entity that had made him lose his mind and that he had only regained control of his body when it was too late and there was no humanly possible way to back out.
The thing was, Jiung could still back out, he could still say he didn't feel ready to make that jump, even with all the harnesses adjusted and about to step out onto the small balcony from which he would have to jump in the next few minutes. He could still back out and just watch the rest of his friends jump from the safe ground... but Jiung didn't want to. It didn't make sense. He was terrified and panicked that something bad might happen during the jump. That the rope would break and he would plunge into the water, killing himself on impact at high speed or drowning after the blow from losing consciousness was a fairly plausible scenario that his head couldn't stop thinking about. But Keeho's large, warm hand wrapped around his, giving it a little squeeze every time he felt Jiung tense up, made him stay there and ensured that his willingness to jump with him wasn’t questioned by the part of his brain that was in panic mode.
He didn't understand. Or rather, he didn't want to understand. Because Jiung knew perfectly well that he wouldn't be up there if it hadn't been for Keeho suggesting they jump together. What he really didn't understand was how his whole being had responded to that offer, going on autopilot until he was up there, and even though he was about to jump into the void, there was a part of him that was completely calm because it was Keeho who was there with him, squeezing his hand and who was going to jump with him, embracing his body. Jiung was probably more nervous about the physical proximity to Keeho than about the jump itself. Which was bloody crazy, in his opinion. Jiung should have been shaking, throwing up his first meal just thinking about how his stomach would lurch as he launched himself into the void, held only by a rope tied to his feet... but there he was, nervous, his mind racing over the decisions that had brought him there, but feeling a kind of calm wash over his whole body, as if it were completely disconnected from his brain.
“Are you ready?” Keeho asked him when both their harnesses were perfectly adjusted and all that remained was to attach them to each other and hook the rope to their legs.
“No,” he replied, honestly.
He wasn't ready at all. Not even seeing Taeyang, Intak, Shota, and Jongseob jump into the void as if it were nothing had made him ready. He probably never would be, not in a million years, if he were given the chance to think about it. But... even though he wasn't ready and even though it was upsetting him, Jiung felt that he shouldn't back out, as if something inside him was telling him that it would be worth it and that he had to try. Jiung didn't know where that feeling came from, nor did he know how to question it, so he simply focused on it to feel better immediately. Although perhaps that feeling was completely wrong and jumping into the void would end up being an experience that would give him nightmares for the rest of his life, Jiung didn't want to think about it.
“You can back out at any time,” Keeho murmured, his hand reaching up to his face and rearranging his fringe, which must have been a mess under his helmet. “You don't have to do it if you don't want to.”
“I'm not ready,” Jiung murmured, “but I'm going to do it.”
The smile that appeared on Keeho's face when he heard his resolution was perfect, showing his teeth, happy, proud of him, and Jiung was suddenly fully aware of the affectionate way Keeho's eyes looked at him. There was so much in them that he gasped for breath and had to quickly look away, beginning to feel much more flustered than ever. Damn. Keeho always looked at him fondly, at him and the rest of his friends, especially Shota and Jongseob, because underneath that “I don't care” facade, he was always there when they needed him, always there in their happy and sad moments, simply accompanying them. He should be used to him looking at him like that, as if Jiung held the moon and stars in the sky above his head, but no matter how many years passed, he would never get used to it because it made Jiung feel much more than he had allowed himself to feel.
Keeho was his friend —the word written in fuchsia neon on a white background, standing out— and nothing more than that. He wasn’t the partner Jiung had dreamed of for many years. No. Keeho was just his friend who had been with him for the last seven or eight years of his life and had gotten so deep inside him —like a cat in a cardboard box that barely fitted in— that it was impossible to get him out. There was nothing else. There would never be anything else. And Jiung had to get used to it once and for all.
“Are you ready?” asked the person in charge of the jumps, when everything was ready. Keeho nodded for both of them. “Come here then and stand facing each other,” he said, pointing to the small platform from which they were to jump. “You can stand parallel to the jump line or with one of you facing away from it, whichever you prefer.”
Jiung took a deep breath, trying to come to terms with the fact that the jump was imminent, allowing Keeho to drag him to the spot without protest and trying not to panic. His legs began to give way, shaking violently, but Keeho kept going, taking him with him until they reached the spot. Once there, Jiung assumed that his panic must have been visible because Keeho placed him with his back to the edge of the platform so that he couldn’t see the height they were at or the void at his feet, the void into which they were to jump.
“Close your eyes,” Keeho said. “I'll take care of everything.”
Jiung wanted to argue, to tease him about how serious he sounded, but his heart did another somersault in his chest and Jiung decided that, before making himself look even more foolish, the best thing to do was to keep quiet, because he was absolutely certain that the moment he tried to speak, he would be unable to get a word out. He listened to Keeho and closed his eyes, hoping that it would all be over as quickly as possible, that they would jump before Jiung started crying and begging to be let down. However, they still didn't seem to be quite ready, because Jiung felt hands fiddling with the harness around his chest to attach it with a carabiner to Keeho's harness, bringing their bodies close together until there were only a couple of centimetres between them.
“It's more comfortable for both of you if you hug each other tightly,” said the man who had hooked them together. “That way you'll avoid bumping into each other during the jump.”
Immediately, Jiung felt Keeho's strong arms wrap around his waist and pull him close, practically squeezing him against him in an embrace that Jiung must have found invasive because he had never been too fond of that kind of physical contact and always tried to pull away when one of his friends —especially Keeho— tried to touch him that way, but which he found inexplicably comforting at that moment. As if the last thing he needed to know that everything was going to be all right was Keeho's arms around him, protecting him from anything bad that might happen. For that reason, without thinking about what he was doing, Jiung simply melted into Keeho's chest, standing on tiptoe to put his arms around his neck and rest his head on his shoulder. Jiung felt Keeho's body tense against him, but his brain didn't register it as important; his brain didn't even register it because Jiung was more concerned about the jump than anything else.
“You can jump when you feel ready,” said the man. "We usually ask those who jump in pairs to say something to each other that they feel they wouldn't be able to say otherwise, in case you want to take advantage of the adrenaline rush.”
Jiung didn't answer that. He didn't feel capable of speaking anyway, let alone telling Keeho something he couldn't have told him. The only thing Jiung kept inside was his feelings for him. The urgent need for their friendship to be more than just friendship. To be able to feel Keeho's arms around his body even though he didn't like physical contact. Jiung had things to say to him, but they were things he couldn't say. He couldn't ruin their relationship. He couldn't mark their friendship in such a vile way, just because of his feelings. Feelings that were not reciprocated. Because to Keeho, Jiung was just one of his best friends. Not even his best friend. That's why Jiung wouldn't say anything. He couldn't say anything.
“When you're ready, just tell me and we'll jump,” Keeho murmured against his ear, sending a shiver down his spine. “I won't jump until you tell me.”
Jiung wasn't ready. He never would be, in fact. But he nodded at Keeho's words and took a deep breath, trying to find his voice before answering.
“We can jump.”
Immediately after he said those words, Jiung felt his feet leave the ground and gravity pull his body down, the infinite void of the fall as he clung tightly to Keeho. His stomach rose to his chest, where his heart beat wildly, and a sharp cry of panic escaped his mouth at the horrible feeling of having nothing beneath his feet. Jiung needed the fall to stop, needed them to be picked up by the boat and taken to solid ground, but they hadn't even finished falling. His mind was racing. He wanted to cry, and he was probably already doing so without even realising it. He was overstimulated, overwhelmed and in a state of panic. The last thing his brain could register before it went black and shut down completely was Keeho's voice against his ear, whispering “I love you”.
~
After the jump, Jiung had cried, throwed up, and continued crying. He had hugged Keeho as if he were his only lifeline. He had insulted Taeyang and Intak for laughing at him, and after what seemed like hours, he felt much calmer. The jump had been distressing, leaving him in a catatonic state, but for some reason, he had felt much lighter after calming down. Perhaps the walk they had taken along the riverbank had influenced this, walking quietly through the area, with none of his friends bothering him during those moments. It could also have been influenced by the fact that before continuing with the activities they had planned for Jiung's birthday, they first went to lunch, and the food sat wonderfully well with him after having thrown up everything before. But by the time they returned to the place, Jiung had an incredible time and let himself go, playing with his friends and laughing.
If at any point Jiung noticed Keeho looking at him for longer than usual, seeming somehow more attentive to him than he had ever been before, he put it down to Keeho probably still being concerned about him and how he had ended up after jumping, not remembering at any point that Keeho had declared his love for him during the jump.
~
“It's ridiculous that you're making me cook on my birthday,” Jiung said from the kitchen, to no one in particular because there was no one there he could address. “I'm going to burn dinner,” he threatened, but got no response.
Jiung sighed deeply. His friends had had the decency to let him shower first after returning from the river where they had spent practically the whole day playing and doing various activities —Jiung had loved the obstacle course on the mats because it had brought out his competitive side and water skiing because it had provided wonderful moments that would be remembered for posterity— but Jiung was beginning to think that letting him shower first had been a trap because now he was the one in the kitchen, alone, preparing dinner for everyone, while the others used excuses not to help him.
Intak had collapsed on the sofa as soon as he arrived, exhausted, and had fallen asleep. Shota and Jongseob had taken out some board games from the accommodation and started playing them while Keeho and Taeyang fought over who would take the shower after Jiung. Keeho must have won because the moment he came out, he ran into the bathroom so that Taeyang wouldn't beat him to it. And Taeyang, Taeyang had told him straight out that he wasn't going to help him with anything and had gone into the room he was sharing with Intak that night to do who knows what.
Jiung sighed deeply and decided it wasn't worth getting angry again. Not when he already knew that his friends didn't have much experience in the kitchen either, and he didn't want to have to take anyone to hospital because they'd cut their finger or risk dinner being ruined. In the end, after all —after the bungee jumping experience— Jiung hadn't had as bad a time as he had expected at first and could make the effort to cook something as simple as what he was preparing for that night. He wasn’t going to make breakfast for the next day, though.
So, he focused on dinner and getting it ready as quickly as possible so he wouldn't have to spend any more time than necessary in the kitchen, and he didn't even notice someone entering the room, at least not until he felt arms around his waist, causing Jiung to let out a small, sharp cry, startled by the unexpected contact. However, he calmed down a second later when he felt the frame of the body hugging him against his back. It couldn't be anyone other than Keeho. And when he came to that conclusion, he became nervous again, this time not because of the shock, but because it was Keeho who was hugging him in such an intimate and domestic way, something he had never done before. Jiung struggled a little to get him to let go, as he always did, but Keeho hugged him even tighter around the waist, pressing him completely against his chest.
“What you're cooking smells really good,” he said.
“Thanks,” he replied, without giving it much thought.
It wasn't the first time Keeho had praised his cooking skills. Considering that he was a real klutz in the kitchen, incapable of making even the most basic meal without making a mess —he still remembered the time he had tried to help him cook, when they had both gone to live with Intak in a run-down flat connected to the campus and had nearly burned the place down because of it— Jiung knew that this was due to his inability to cook because he wasn't a Michelin-starred chef either. He simply enjoyed cooking and had learned little by little, following recipes at first and then relying on his instincts to make delicious dishes. Of course, every time Keeho or one of the others told him that what he had prepared smelled good or tasted delicious, Jiung felt a little proud of himself.
So Jiung relaxed a little in Keeho's arms, leaning his weight against him and smiling as he stirred the contents of the pan so they wouldn't burn. His action seemed to surprise Keeho, because his whole body tensed against Jiung for a few seconds, then simply relaxed again and hugged him even tighter, resting his chin on Jiung's shoulder and sighing deeply.
“Thank you for not pushing me away,” he said, sounding genuinely grateful. “I thought that after what happened earlier, you would push me away and never want to see me again... let alone let me hug you like this...”
Jiung couldn't help but feel confused by Keeho's words. He had never been a big fan of physical contact, that was true, he often pushed Keeho away when he felt that his touch burned or made him feel too much, but he had never done so with bad intentions or told him that he didn't want him to touch him —only when they were joking around might he have mentioned something about it, something that had been followed up on by Intak or Taeyang—. But what confused him most was the other thing he had said. He didn't understand that part about never wanting to see him again.
What was that about earlier? The offer to jump together that Jiung had agreed to? The bad time Jiung had had after jumping? Keeho really wasn't to blame for anything that had happened. It had been Jiung himself who had brought his own misfortune upon himself, and the truth was that he didn't even feel it was misfortune, but more like an experience he would never repeat.
“Why wouldn't I want to see you?” he had to ask.
“Because of what happened during the jump,” Keeho replied, his body tensing against him again.
“Why?” he couldn't help asking again, even more confused. “I mean, I know my body reacted afterwards as if I'd been hit by a truck or something,” he said, “but the truth is that during the jump I was a lot calmer than I would have been if, by some divine miracle, I had decided to do it alone," he confessed, telling him the truth as calmly as he could, even though his heart had started beating too fast in his chest. “I felt safe jumping with you, knowing that you would do everything possible to make sure nothing happened to me.”
Keeho didn't answer, at least not immediately, but he seemed to melt against Jiung, hiding his face in his shoulder and sighing, as if he felt terribly ashamed of what Jiung had just said. It seemed rather strange to him because embarrassment wasn’t an emotion Keeho usually felt, so he was quite curious to know what he had said to make him feel that way. He had to wait a few moments to hear Keeho's response, moments in which he finished preparing dinner and turned off the fire.
“If you say things like that...” Keeho began, in a barely audible whisper, “I'll think you feel the same way about me.”
Jiung's body tensed completely upon hearing this, and words he seemed to have completely forgotten until that moment repeated themselves in his mind, words spoken in Keeho's voice, against his ear, as they jumped. “I love you.” He quickly turned in the other's arms to face him, looking for something in his expression that would tell him he was lying. But what he found was an expression of hope and affection on Keeho's face, framed by his wet hair, which caused everything inside him to begin to whirl with emotion.
It was impossible. It was completely impossible that Keeho had told him he loved him when they jumped, after the activity operator had suggested they say something they didn't dare say to each other. No. Jiung was sure he must have imagined it. What he had just remembered had to be his imagination playing tricks on him. Keeho couldn't have told him he loved him. No. It had never been part of his plans for Keeho to have any feelings for him. Jiung had kept his feelings for Keeho secret for years, like a secret. It. Had. Never. Been. In. His. Plans. That. Keeho. Had. Any. Feelings. For. Him. Jiung had kept his feelings for Keeho a secret for years, like the darkest and deepest secret of all. A secret he hadn't even confessed when he got drunk, despite his tendency to talk non-stop when that happened.
Jiung felt his throat go dry at the thought of the slim possibility that Keeho had really said that to him and that his words meant that he loved him as more than a friend, as his non-verbal language seemed to imply —the way he had behaved all afternoon, never taking his eyes off him as if waiting for some kind of reaction from him, now suddenly made some sense— and he had to swallow hard. The movement of his Adam's apple caught Keeho's attention, his eyes drifting down to his throat and then up to his lips, where they remained focused for a few moments, until he finally seemed to come to his senses and realise what he had just done, his ears turning bright red.
Jiung's breath caught in his throat. His heart was beating so hard he could swear he could hear it in his brain. And suddenly, his hands began to shake. Jiung grabbed Keeho's arms to steady them, digging his fingers into them... and then did something he hadn't even thought about. Jiung lifted his face and leaned forward, capturing Keeho's lips with his own. Keeho's reaction was immediate, returning the kiss as if he had been waiting for it his whole life, sighing with relief against Jiung's mouth and pressing their bodies so close together that it was impossible to tell where one began and the other ended. But Jiung didn't care in the slightest. All he cared about was that Keeho was eagerly responding to the kiss he had initiated.
Jiung's hands moved up Keeho's arms to his neck, entwining them there as he tilted his head slightly so he could continue kissing Keeho in a much more comfortable way, without their noses touching, moving his lips against the other's, sighing with pleasure every time he licked his mouth and feeling his heart beating like crazy inside his chest, butterflies flying around his stomach as if it were their lifelong home, while his skin bristled. Damn. He didn't know how much he had needed that until that moment. And he probably would never have known if he hadn't jumped into the void with Keeho —literally and figuratively—.
The kiss continued, steady, slow, sweet, as they enjoyed each other's lips, the sensations they provoked, until they suddenly broke apart when they heard voices in the living room. Keeho pulled away from Jiung as if his touch burned him, and Jiung practically climbed onto the counter behind him, scared that one of their other friends had seen them like that. However, the voices didn't get any closer, they stayed in the living room, and no one came into the kitchen to bother them. Jiung breathed again, realising that he had been holding his breath because air suddenly entered his lungs and he felt a small twinge of pain. However, the boy ignored it in favour of looking at Keeho again, finding him staring at him with such a beautiful smile on his lips that Jiung was left breathless once more.
“I think you and I need to have a long conversation about this,” Keeho said, “about... us...” he added, hesitating.
“I think so...” Jiung couldn't help but murmur. “Tomorrow, when we get back to Seoul.”
“Tomorrow, when we get back to Seoul,” Keeho agreed.
Jiung gave him a small smile, feeling for the first time so light that he could perhaps begin to fly if he tried hard enough, hopeful about what had just happened and completely happy because the feelings he had been keeping inside him, those feelings for Keeho that he had tried to hide by any means possible so as not to ruin their friendship, were somehow reciprocated by the other. He still couldn't believe it. He probably wouldn't believe it even after having the conversation that this revelation deserved the next day. He probably would never believe it. But Jiung felt like the happiest person in the universe at that moment and was glad he had agreed to go on that crazy trip and, above all, he was glad he had done the crazy thing of jumping into the void with Keeho.