Chapter Text
“Everybody thinks we’re fucking!!!”
Siyeon knew her quiet and very productive evening of doing nothing had just ended. She was about to win her third Cookie Run race when Bora barged into her room, screaming and looking scandalized. She started pacing around the place, flailing her arms in all directions, and complaining about how everybody was disrespectful and rude to her.
“Are we… not?”
Bora stopped dead in her tracks, looking at Siyeon indignantly and even more flabbergasted than before. “I mean, yes?! But that’s besides the point, Siyeon!”
“Is… it?” Siyeon looked at the older woman feeling completely lost. “I mean, we are having sex together. I don’t understand what’s the problem with people assuming it?”
Bora covered her face with her hands and let out a loud sigh. “The problem is that nobody should know we are fucking! It’s supposed to be a secret, Siyeon!"
Ah, yes. That was the whole point, Siyeon guessed.
They started (whatever they were doing) almost a year ago. Siyeon wouldn’t call it a relationship, because it was not that. Bora had made it very clear that it was just to relieve the stress of being an idol, that it was very difficult to date because of said idol life, and that it could bring a lot of trouble for them and the rest of the members if they broke up.
So they weren’t a couple, it was just fucking.
But they still looked out for each other, and took care of each other. Bora would cook her favorite dishes whenever she could, and Siyeon would help her fall asleep stroking her hair and singing soft lullabies. They would hang out for hours, lost in their little world, talking nonsense and laughing until their ribs and stomachs hurted. Siyeon would hide little candies inside Bora’s purse or pocket, so she could eat them before a schedule. And Bora would give her a gentle smile from across the room, her eyes shining with gratitude and something else.
But they weren’t dating, no, because that would complicate everything. Giving a name or putting a label to whatever they were doing could ruin their friendship and everything they’ve built together so far.
So, why would Siyeon risk it? She would happily go along with whatever Bora told or asked of her. Even if that meant keeping the loud beating of her heart silenced whenever she saw the older woman smile.
“I know it’s a secret, you made it pretty clear the first time we… You know, did it.” Siyeon huffed, dropping her phone on the nightstand before mumbling. “And the second, and third and last millionth time.”
“Then why did Minji just insinuate that she was leaving for the night and that we could have the room all to ourselves?!” Exclaimed Bora, moving her hands in all directions again. “You’re not exactly the pinnacle of secrecy, Siyeon!”
“Hey, don’t be mean! I swear I haven’t told anybody about us! Not even Gahyun! And you know I can’t keep secrets from her!” Siyeon replied, crossing her arms indignantly.
Yes, maybe she wasn’t the greatest person at keeping secrets or lying. She’d always get way too nervous when someone interrogated her, and would start rambling, laughing uncontrollably or her ears would go redder than a tomato. The other members would always catch her when they were playing Mafia, but she just couldn’t help herself and her fidgety reactions!
But this time she had made a titanic job of hiding their shared secret with Bora. Siyeon was actually proud of herself about not spilling anything to anyone, so Bora doubting her hurted more than she’d like to admit.
“Well, if not you then who? Because I know damn well I haven’t said anything!” Bora put her hands on her hips and looked at Siyeon with a frown.
Soyeon could feel something ugly simmering inside her chest. It was unusual for her to get angry at Bora but her accusations felt like a slap on her face.
She got up from bed and stood in front of the shorter woman with a frown of her own and her arms still crossed over her chest. “So are you saying that I’m just talking around about what we do in the bedroom? Come on Bora, I thought you had more faith in me.” Siyeon started pacing around the room, ignoring the accusing look from Bora. “What if Minji just found out on her own, hm? You’re not exactly subtle when you drag me out the waiting rooms to make out!”
“Oh, so it is my fault now!” Scoffed Bora. “Great, just great.”
“I’m not saying that!” Siyeon let out a loud and exasperated sigh, running one of her hands through her hair. “But Minji is not dumb, she’s always looking out for us like a mother hen, of course she’d notice something’s going on when the two of us are always missing.”
“That doesn’t make anything better, Siyeon! Because if Minji knows then Yoohyeon knows, and if she knows then Yubin and Gahyun knows. And if Gahyun also knows of course Handong knows too because those two are attached by the hip! The whole fucking group knows we’re fucking, Siyeon!”
A tense silence fell in the room. Both women were looking into each other’s eyes, their postures rigid and their mouths tightened into a thin line, just waiting for something to happen.
After what felt like hours Siyeon finally sighed, and with a small voice said. “Would it be that bad? If they knew?”
Bora looked at her with something that resembled the same pain Siyeon was feeling. Or maybe it was pity, sometimes the younger woman couldn’t really tell what was going on inside the head and heart of Bora. And that scared her the most.
“You know we can’t, Singnie.” Gone was the harsh and fiery tone on her voice, and instead was replaced with regret and a cold robe of sadness.
Siyeon looked away, hiding the moisture that was forming quickly in her eyes.
“Yeah, I know.”
She didn’t want Bora seeing her like this; weak and pathetic. She needed to keep her feelings at bay, because she didn’t want to burden her best friend with them. It wasn’t Bora’s fault that she fell for her. The arrangement was simple and clear from the beginning: just sex, no feelings that could complicate everything.
But Siyeon’s heart was a soft one, and of course Bora would’ve found a way to make herself at home there.
“I’m sorry, Singnie.” Said Bora softly before leaving the room.
Siyeon was left alone with just her thoughts, her pain, and a heavy heart that wanted to scream to Bora just to come back.
❇❇❇
Siyeon wasn’t moping. Nope. Not at all.
She wasn’t feeling like her heart was being ripped from her chest. Definitely not. She also didn’t feel like her hope for having a future with Bora was crushed right in front of her eyes either.
Absolutely not.
Siyeon was fine, completely fine. She felt amazing, great even! She was energized, ready to face the world and conquer her fears, nothing could stop h–
“You’ve been watching that plushie for half an hour with the saddest dog eyes I’ve ever seen. Are you okay?”
Well, maybe she wasn’t doing that well.
But the black cat plushie had been a gift from Bora the last time they went to the arcades. She won it in one of those claw machines (Siyeon was so sure they were rigged) and gave it to her because ”it looks like me, and she’ll protect you everywhere you go, Singnie”. Bora might have spent a couple thousand won trying to get it, but the memory was a fond one for her.
Now the plushie was a reminder of everything she and Bora could have been, if their lives weren’t subdued to the scrutiny of other people and the society standard for idols.
“I’m good, Yoohyeonie, don’t worry about it.” Mumbled Siyeon, feeling completely defeated.
“You don’t look good at all. Wanna talk about what has you all mopy and grumpy?”
She didn’t really want to talk about it, she just wanted to be miserable alone in her bed, but she knew her friend wouldn’t let her be until she knew what was going on with her.
She really loved how loyal Yoohyeon was, and how much she cared about the people she loved. She was always willing to lend a hand or an ear to whoever needed it, and that made her someone invaluable to Siyeon. But damn it, her timing right now was the worst.
“Not really, Hyeonie. I’m just…” Siyeon sighed and turned over her back, covering her eyes with her forearm. “I’ll be okay, don’t worry.”
Siyeon could feel the younger woman looking at her, completely unconvinced by her reassurance. But she had no other option really, she had to be okay, to get better, to repress her feelings until they became an afterthought in the back of her mind. Otherwise she’d get crazy and who knew what she could do then.
“Scoot over.”
Yoohyeon lightly pushed Siyeon until she made space for her in bed. She laid down and rested her head on her friend’s chest, while one of her hands rested on Siyeon’s stomach. The older woman hugged her back, and started caressing her short strands of brown hair.
They laid in bed like that for what felt like hours. It was nice to just rest her body and mind, even if it was for a couple of minutes, not having to think about work, or responsibilities, or Bora.
Well, that was a bit complicated, considering she was the reason her heart was heavy and burdened at that moment. And also considering that Bora occupied her mind 24/7.
She was her first thought when Siyeon woke up, and the last before giving into Morpheus arms. She thought about Bora when she listened to music and the lyrics got a bit too close to home. She thought about Bora when they were preparing a new comeback, about her strength and determination to give Insomnias the best shows and presentations of their lives. She thought about Bora when she was alone in her shared room, with the door closed and biting her pillow. She thought about Bora when her throat was hoarse from screaming her name too.
She was thinking about Bora right now.
And she will always think about her.
“I’m in love with Bora, Yoohyeonie.”
Something broke inside Siyeon when the words came out. A sob ripped through her chest and tears started falling without being able to stop them. Her truth was finally out there in the open, leaving her heart exposed, raw and vulnerable.
Yoohyeon propped herself and hugged the older woman, stroking her back.
“I know, baby, I know.” Yoohyeon whispered, letting Siyeon vent everything she had bottled up inside for so long. “It’s okay, let it all out. I’m here.”
The pain inside her chest was the worst thing Siyeon had ever felt in her life. All those months of pretending finally caught up with her, and it was no longer a simple bother at the back of her head. Lying to her members and friends, lying to Bora and to herself about her true feelings had left her exhausted and strained. She couldn’t hide anymore behind fake smiles and awkward excuses; she was so in love with Bora it was burning her from the inside out.
And that fire wasn’t comforting anymore. Not like it was at the beginning, when it would keep her cozy and safe, like a small bonfire. As time passed by, its sparks had ignited everything around it, becoming a huge forest fire that destroyed everything it touched. And in the middle of it was Siyeon; surrounded by the smoke and flames she herself lit.
She knew she couldn’t do casual, she wasn’t built like that. She was born to love intensely, to give herself in completely, to burn herself for someone else.
And Siyeon wanted to keep Bora warm, to give her some light in the small and dark place that was their secret. But in the process she had forgotten about her own heart, scorching it until it became nothing more than ashes.
Siyeon kept crying her heart out for long minutes, loud wails ripping through her body and she shook with every new sob. Yoohyeon kept whispering sweet nothings and caressing her, trying to bring some comfort to her friend, but the tears kept coming like a neverending river.
After some time, the sobs became soft hiccups and Siyeon’s body stopped shaking and shivering. She knew she ruined her friend’s shirt, but she couldn’t care about it and seemed like neither did Yoohyeon. Siyeon just wanted to disappear for a while, to not feel like she was dying on the inside, like she was not only losing the most important woman in her life, but herself as well.
“Everything will be alright, Siyeonie.” Yoohyeon planted a kiss on top of her head and snuggled Siyeon. “I know it doesn’t seem that way right now, but for the record, I do think Bora feels the same way as you.”
“I don’t think so, Hyeonie.” Said Siyeon before sighing. “If she did, why would she leave me like this?"
“Maybe she’s just afraid?” Yoohyeon sighed and hugged Siyeon tighter. “I don’t know, sometimes Bora is so confusing and hard to understand. But I know for sure that she loves you, she’s not as good at hiding her feelings as she thinks she is. Not when it comes to you.”
Siyeon let out a disgruntled grunt. The whole situation was exhausting, and she was tired of feeling this sad and mad about something she couldn’t control. If Bora really loved her, like Yoohyeon said, why run away? What was she so afraid of?
“Afraid of what?! It’s not like we’re doing something illegal!” Siyeon got out of Yoohyeon’s embrace and sat up, drying the last trace of her tears. “Why can’t she just talk to me?”
Yoohyeon sat up too and stroked her back, still trying to comfort her. “I’m not choosing sides here, I’m just trying to understand what’s going on with Bora. You know our lives are different from everybody else’s since we’re idols. We live under the scrutiny of our managers, fans, the whole country and even the rest of the world. We have to pretend to be perfect, even when we’re clearly not. You’ve seen what has happened to others that had come out with a partner and having kids, people had gone completely crazy! And they weren’t even gay!”
Yoohyeon avoided Siyeon’s gaze and sighed before continuing. “If I was Bora I wouldn’t want my girlfriend to have to go through all of that. I guess that’s why she’s really afraid… I know I am too.”
Siyeon quickly raised her head and looked at Yoohyeon, surprised by her revelation. Yoohyeon looked at her back with a wary and sad smile.
“Oh.”
“Yeah, oh.” Said Yoohyeon, letting out a humourless laugh. “I guess Bora is not the only one with a secret, huh.”
“Oh, Yootonie.” This time Siyeon hugged the other woman, trying to give her some sort of comfort too. “Oh, baby, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault that I fell in love, Siyeon.”
“I know, but I still feel sorry that we both are in this unfair situation.” Siyeon ran a hand through her hair and let out a deep breath. “We’re so fucked, Yoohyeonie.”
Her friend laughed loudly, and shook her head. “We really are, huh.”
This time, the small smile that adorned Yoohyeon's face wasn't sad but a contemplative one.
“It’s not ideal, but I really wouldn’t want to change this feeling for anything else in the world.” She looked into Siyeon’s eyes, her smile widening. “Falling in love is the most beautiful thing that could’ve ever happened to me.”
The older woman returned the smile with one of her own and hugged her again. They stood into the embrace in silence, each of them dealing with their own thoughts and feelings.
The silence between them wasn’t uncomfortable, but after some minutes Siyeon burst their small and tranquil bubble.
“Can I ask who it is?”
“Hm?” Mumbled Yoohyeon.
“Who you are in love with.
“Oh, uhm…” The tip of the younger woman’s ear became immediately red. “S-sure.”
“Is it Minji?”
Yoohyeon bit her lip, and the soft blush that appeared on her ears spread to her cheeks too. “Y-yeah.”
“Oh my god, I knew it!” Siyeon couldn’t contain her excitement, letting out a laugh. “I never wanted to assume there was something going on, but gosh, Yooh, your puppy eyes lit every time she walked into the room! I have to say, at first I thought you had a thing for Yubin because you guys are so close to each other and–...”
“Her too.”
The room felt silent and both women looked into each other's eyes. Yoohyeon was still flushing, but her expression became completely serious.
“Siyeon, I’m in love with both Minji and Yubin.”
“Oh.”
To say that Siyeon was dumbfounded was an understatement. The revelation took her by surprise and she didn’t quite know how to react.
It wasn’t unheard of; she knew there were people whose hearts were so big it could fit more than just one person inside. People who had so much love to give, that pouring it into just one person would even be selfish. People who felt so intensely and deeply that the only way to not drown in it was to share their love in equal parts with multiple others. And of course Yoohyeon would be one of those people.
Sweet, lovely and caring Yoohyeon, who held so much love inside her chest, so much devotion inside her eyes, so much happiness in her smile. Of course she needed more than just a pair of hands to hold and caress her beautiful heart. And of course those hands belonged to the only two people who would do her love justice. The only two people who would take care of her the way she deserved and needed. Siyeon could only wish that Minji and Yubin would soon realize the beautiful treasure they have been entrusted with.
“Oh, baby.” Siyeon hugged her tightly and kissed the side of her head. “You’re incredible, Yoohyeonie. You deserve so much happiness.”
The younger woman hugged her back and blew a puff of air into her shoulder, feeling the tension leaving her body.
“You don’t think I’m a freak?”
“Of course not, baby. You have such a big and beautiful heart that’s capable of holding and giving so much love. Minji and Yubin should feel honored to receive such a gift.” Siyeon kissed her head again. “And you deserve to be so, so loved. Hopefully by both of them.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of. I don't know if any of them feel something for me, let alone if they're willing to share my love too."
“I guess there’s only one way to know, hm?”
“The same goes for you. I think you really should talk with Bora.”
Siyeon groaned and let herself drop onto the bed. She really didn’t want to do it, she wasn’t ready to face (the most probable scenario) rejection. She was barely managing to hold herself together right now!
“What if everything goes wrong and I lose her?” Asked Siyeon, looking at the ceiling.
“What if it goes right, you guys sort your feelings out and are finally happy together?”
“Ugh, I hate your optimism.” Siyeon groaned and softly hit Yoohyeon’s back with a pillow, making the younger girl laugh.
“No, you don’t. You actually love it.” Yoohyeon looked at her with a soft smile on her face and something looking similar to hope in her eyes. “Maybe it’ll go well for you. And maybe it will for me too. We won’t know until we try it, right?”
She knew Yoohyeon was right. The only way to deal with everything was facing her demons and just talk to the woman who kept her awake at night.
Yes, it could go horribly wrong and that meant losing her best friend in the process, making Siyeon also lose herself in a hole of despair and sadness.
But maybe, just maybe, there was a chance that Bora was as scared as her, and all she needed was a light push to break away from that mental prison. Siyeon could be that, she could be brave and open the door for both of them, put herself out there and take the risk.
She wanted to be happy. And she wanted to be happy with Bora. She was going to fight heaven and hell for that to happen.
“Yeah, you’re right.” Siyeon took Yoohyeon’s hand and smiled at the younger girl. “We won’t know until we try.”