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Let the snow fall
just fall as before
Let the snow cast its light
its bright light onto me
.
.
.
Xeno sighed, tugged on the collar of his shirt and straightened his purple tie a bit. He was nervous, which was ridiculous, to say the least. He was nervous, for he had never indulged in anything like this before. He was nervous, for he was used to spending New Year eve with Stanley, with his childhood friend, and, for the first time amongst many, he would not. Not that Stanley refused to, on the contrary, he offered even, and Xeno had been the one to turn him down. Xeno had been the one to turn him down, as someone else was on his mind. Someone completely different.
Senku
Senku Ishigami
He had feelings for his pupil, he had feelings for his student. He couldn’t deny them, not anymore, no matter how hard he had tried to repress them. Senku was ten years younger than him, and he shouldn’t expect anything more than a casual teacher-student relationship, than true friendship. Senku was a popular element in the Kingdom of Science, and many people were gravitating around him, people closer to his age and values than Xeno actually was. He shouldn’t expect anything from tonight either, nothing but a warm smile and a thank you.
He had
lit candles on the table
He had
put garlands on the windows
(He shouldn’t expect)
(anything from it)
He had
asked François for a refined meal
He had
bought Ryusui a bottle of champagne
(He shouldn’t expect)
(anything from it)
He had
manufactured ornate plates
He had
polished the silver cutlery
(He shouldn't expect)
(anything from him)
Though, tonight, he had invited him. Though, tonight, he had invited Senku under the (false) pretense they would discuss the new motor prototype, for their time-traveling machine. It was a holiday, and Senku was aware, for sure, though their schedule was so tight he never considered for a moment Xeno could have been lying to him, Xeno could have formed a whole another plan in his mind. Though, tonight, he had invited Senku and intended to confess. Except his heart, oh, his heart was
beating
beating
beating
beating
beating
So he sighed, tugged on the collar of his shirt and straightened his purple tie a bit. So he sat down, crossed his legs, uncrossed them, paced the room. He couldn’t sit still, he couldn’t simply wait, doing nothing. He couldn’t. He had no idea when Senku intended to show up, when he was available, or so he said, pretty vague, and each minute passing by felt like an hour, and each second passing by felt like a minute.
He would
pick up a report
His eyes
would scan the words
Letters
Black shapes on white paper
And he would
understand none of the signs
And he would
understand none of the equations
He couldn’t focus
only think about Senku
And he startled, his heart beating even faster, when he heard shy knocks, when the door creaked ajar and he finally saw the only face he intended to see tonight.
Senku
Senku
Senku
“Hi, Xeno, sorry I’m late” Senku’s voice was tired, and he rubbed his neck, as he closed the door behind him “I thought about canceling but I couldn’t reach you and” and he felt different, as if sad, as if flustered (Xeno) (tensed) (ever so slightly) “Xeno, what’s all this?”
A glance, and it was enough for Xeno to understand. A glance, and it was enough for all his plans to go to waste. A glance. All it took was a glance.
“New Year eve celebration” Xeno crossed his arms behind his back, took a step further in his direction “I wanted to surprise you though, I’m afraid, it doesn’t have the intended effect.”
Senku’s eyes were swollen, Senku’s cheeks were flushed. He had cried, he had been yelling, perhaps. He had cried, his motor prototype hadn’t been working the way he had wanted it to. He had cried, the rest could wait.
Senku
Oh, Senku
“I’m not in the mood” Senku shook his head, rubbed his nose with his finger, sniffled “I’m afraid.”
Senku had cried, his feelings could wait.
Senku
My dear Senku
“Please, have a seat” he wasn’t the best, when it came to comforting people “Tell me what is plaguing your mind” he wasn’t the best, but, for Senku, he would make the effort “The motor experiment, am I right?”
Senku had cried, his confession could wait.
“It’s going to ruin your night” but his body was trembling, and he was threatening to cry again “It’s going to ruin your holiday, you went” no, he was crying again “You went all the way to plan a dinner, and everything” silent tears were rolling down his cheeks “I’m sorry, but I can’t celebrate with you.”
It didn’t matter. The dinner, the celebration or all the efforts he had put into making everything perfect. It didn’t matter, none of it mattered anymore. It didn’t matter, only Senlu did.
Senku
My beloved Senku
“It’s alright, not everything goes according to plan” he offered Senku his handkerchief and shivered when the boy’s hand brushed against his “In science, even less” he shivered, then he smiled “You should tell me what happened, maybe I could provide you with a solution, with an insight.”
“It’s boring” Senku chuckled bitterly (Xeno simply wanted) (to dry his tears) “But, if you want to know, I’ll tell you.”
I want to listen to you. I want to listen to everything that makes your heart beat, or everything that frightens you. I want to listen to what moves you, and to what makes you cry. I want to listen to everything that makes you happy, to everything that makes you angry. I want to listen, and I want to help.
Isn’t it what
being a mentor is all about?
Isn’t it what
being in love is all about?
[Senku] [Senku]
[Senku] [Senku]
“Nothing's boring, what it comes to science” he put his hand on Senku’s arm, encouraging him to proceed “Please take your time to explain it to me thoroughly.”
And explained he did, as he went through all the steps of how the prototype motor raced and caught fire. And explained he did, as he detailed all the calculations he made, all the equations he used, to make the prototype. And explained he did, as he couldn’t hold back his tears, realizing how far behind on the schedule this failure would send them.
(It is alright)
(my dear pupil)
(It is alright)
(my dear student)
(It is alright)
(for I am right here) (with you)
“Motors efficiency is a tricky science” Xeno mused, tapping his temple with his clawed fingers “It calls for thermodynamics and a good application of the second law, any tiny mistake in the numbers could send everything into overdrive” before he got up and erased all the drawings he had made on the blackboard, in order to celebrate tonight (snow) (sleds) (a deer) “Would you mind showing me how you calculated exactly? Not that I doubt your science, obviously not, but we’re tired and pressured by our schedule, so you’re more likely to have made a mistake.”
He had done some himself. Mistakes, ridiculous mistakes, mistakes unworthy of him, of his great mind, of his intellect. He had made some himself. Mistakes, ridiculous mistakes, mistakes that made him flush with shame at how stupid they could be. He had done some himself, it wouldn’t be a surprise if Senku did as well.
In thermodynamics, the thermal efficiency ηth is a dimensionless performance measure of a device that uses thermal energy. For a heat engine, thermal efficiency is the ratio of the net work output to the heat input. The efficiency of a heat engine is fractional as the output is always less than the input while the coefficient of performance is more than 1. These values are further restricted by the Carnot theorem.
“I can see what the issue is, my dear Senku” it wasn’t too hard a problem to solve, at least not for him “You put TC - TH instead of TH - TC, which is contrary to the second law of thermodynamics, which is, I’m sure, you’re aware is impossible.”
Heat always flows
from hotter to colder
“I’m so stupid” Senku slapped his forehead, trying to quickly dry the tears he was still shedding (he was tired) (exhausted even) “Of course, I know about that, I shouldn’t have made a mistake like that” but you have (because you’re tired) (exhausted even) “No wonder it didn’t work, I got it all backwards.”
And so my love flows
from me, to you
“We are bound to make mistakes such as those” Xeno put down the chalk in a little clank, rubbing his hands to get rid of the dust “At least you know where it comes from, hence you can correct it. The other way would have been more complicated.”
And so my love flows (Let me) (take care) (of you)
“I’m sorry” Senku sighed, his whole body was shivering “You planned it all, to celebrate tonight, and here I am, bothering you with thermal motor efficiency.”
But he liked Senku, and he liked science. But he liked thermal motor efficiency, wasn’t it why he became a physicist for NASA? But he liked Senku, and he shared his struggles. But he liked Senku, he loved Senku even.
Let my love flow
to you
“No need to apologize” and so he did what he never did, in moments such as those “You’re overworked, you lack sleep” he held out his hand, stroke Senku’s cheek with the back of his gloved fingers (perhaps) (he should have taken it off) (he didn’t want) (to scare him) “I assumed a distraction would be nice, I assumed wrong” before his lips curved into a smile “What you needed was a solution.”
I love
you
I love
you
I love
you
I love
you
I love
you
May you receive my love.
“Thank you” he expected Senku to shy away from his touch, after all, it was the very first time Xeno laid a hand on him “You always take the time to explain everything to me” but he didn’t shy away, and his heart was beating faster “I’m grateful to have a mentor like you.”
And I am all the more grateful, to have a student like you.
Senku
Senku Ishigami
He couldn’t explain what happened. Even now, looking back, he still couldn’t rationalize what happened. He still couldn’t rationalize why he got up, wrapped his arms around Senku, cradling his head against his chest (And Senku was warm) (And Senku felt good) He still couldn’t rationalize why he decided to take off his claws, take off his gloves, why he decided to comb his disciple’s two-toned hair with his fingers, making comforting shushing sounds. He couldn’t explain why, but he appreciated every moment, every second of it.
Senku hugged back
his hands holding Xeno’s long white coat
Senku hugged back
pressing his face harder into his chest
(And his heart)
(Oh) (his heart)
Senku hugged back
and he felt warm, in his arms
Senku hugged back
and he felt soft, under his fingers
(His heart)
(His heart)
He didn’t know how long they stayed like this, not saying a word, barely making a sound. He didn’t know how long they stayed like this, in each other’s arms. He didn’t know, he couldn’t tell. Long, quite long perhaps, long enough for Senku to relax and stop crying, at least. Long, quite long perhaps, long enough for Xeno to allow himself to lean in, to give the top of Senku’s head a tender gentle kiss.
He had
never done this
This was
very unlike him
(But Senku)
(Oh) (Senku)
It was
their first kiss, so to speak
He couldn’t
make his feelings more obvious
(Senku)
(Senku)
Let my love flow to you. Just like heat flows towards cold.
“Xeno” Senku shivered, though he made no movement, said no word to stop him “Xeno, what was tonight” and came the question he was fearing would come “Really about? You didn’t summon me here to discuss the motor, did you?”
No. No, I didn’t. No, I didn’t, and you’re smart, and you’re sharp, and you noticed, of course, anyone would have noticed at this point. No. No, I didn’t. No, I didn’t, and I planned everything, every item on that table, every element of decor, every piece of clothing to be perfect so I would have the most elegant setting to confess my feelings for you. No. No, I didn’t. No, I didn’t, the motor was an excuse, how could it be anything else than an excuse, tonight a new year will begin, and we shall keep our eyes fixed on the future, and not on the past. No. No, I didn’t.
And for some reason
all words are vain
They are
failing me
But memories remain
They flow
And moments disappear like snow.
“It was a convenient excuse, I have to admit” and it was somehow easier, as he wasn’t looking at Senku in the eye, as he was pressing his face in the crook of his neck (his breath) (against his skin) (was very warm) “I just wanted to spend a moment, alone with you. A moment that wasn’t work, or science.”
I just want to hold you. I just want to see you. I just want to tell you how much I love you and be able to give your lips a gentle peck. I just want to look at you. I just want to hear you laugh. Though, lately, all you have been talking about are problems and equations that are plaguing your mind.
Breathe
Breathe
Breathe
“The beginning of a new year, uh” Senku chuckled and Xeno was finding it comforting, somehow, that his student didn’t seem to want to leave his arms “How do you celebrate that, in your culture?”
Why do you want to know? Do you wish to indulge me?
“It’s usually” though he had to take a deep breath, before explaining “A couple’s night, or a friends’ night” and his fingers were shaking, when he was playing with his strands of hair “You stay with ones close to you, that are not your family.”
I stay with the one closest to me, so close I’m cradling him against my chest.
I stay
with you
“So, which is it, Xeno?” he wouldn’t be able to escape it, he wouldn’t be able to escape it for much longer “A couple’s night, or a friends’ night?”
His heart, oh, his heart.
“It’s whatever you need it to be.”
I don’t want to overstep your boundaries. I did that, in the past, I tried to get rid of you, I tried to have you killed. I did that, in the past, and there is not a single moment, and there is not a single day I don’t regret what I have done, or the decisions that I made.
“So it’s my call?” Senku chose this moment to pull back, a little, and Xeno was overwhelmed by the beauty of his carmine deep red eyes “I get to choose?”
I offer you my heart on a silver plate. What you do with it is entirely up to you.
I stay
with you
“I will respect your decision, whatever it might be” and Senku was gorgeous, oh so gorgeous (he wanted) (to kiss him) “Being your mentor doesn’t mean I get to choose for you” and Senku was elegant, oh so elegant (he hoped) (he would say) (yes) “The final decision is yours, and I have nothing to say for or against it.”
Can you feel my heart? Can you feel my love?
Senku
Senku
Senku
Senku
Senku
“I haven’t done anything like this, you know” I know, I am aware (you were too caught up into) (saving all of humanity) (to indulge in) (love) “I don’t know what it implies, or what you expect from me” I only expect what you’re willing to give (nothing less) (nothing more) “And I’m young, I’m too young for you” and yet you are the one, the only one my heart beats for “Are you sure this is what you want?”
Would I have done all this, would I have taught you this much, if you weren’t the one I require?
For such a smart mind
you are sometimes blind
“Of course, I am sure” and Xeno smiled, and Xeno stroked Senku’s face, once more “I was sure when I realized who you were, I was sure when I laid my eyes on you again” and his disciple was beautiful, utterly beautiful, when he was looking at him like that (kiss me) (kiss) (me) “I was sure, and I waited. Because I want you to be sure to.”
I wanted you to feel the flow. I wanted you to feel the heat. And be sure it was pleasurable, also for you.
Do you
love me?
“Xeno” Senku’s eyes traveled on his lips, then his eyes, then his lips again (please) (please) (please) “Can I kiss you?”
It’s all I ever wanted. And it’s all I will ever want.
“Sure” he chuckled, though he couldn’t help teasing “But do you know how?”
“Not really” and Senku smirked, when he grabbed Xeno’s tie, to pull him closer “But you’re my mentor, you can teach me that too, can’t you?”
He wanted to answer. He wanted to answer, he wasn’t given the luxury to. He wanted to answer, though he was silenced. He was silenced, and Senku’s lips were soft, warm against his own. He was silenced, and Senku’s tongue felt sweet, tender, moving alongside his own. He was silenced, and he didn’t regret any word that was swallowed in the kiss.
Oh, how come I want you
Like the soil yearns for the rain