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"Shut up...how is your alcohol tolerance so high..."
Chuuya mumbled as he leaned into Dazai's chest with his head
Dazai chuckled, running his fingers through Chuuya's messy hair. "Years of practice" He answered honestly. Dazai's tolerance was insane because he'd been drinking since he was a teenager. He gently rubbed the ginger's face with affection in his touch.
"That's not something to be fucking proud of, you idiot"
Dazai laughed in response at his insult, not taking it personally at all, because he was used to it by now. "Says you who can't handle four sips of vodka." He teased, pulling Chuuya closer so that their faces were almost touching. He started to play with Chuuya's hair absentmindedly.
They stayed like this for a while as the feeling of alcohol was slowly fading away, but it was still somehow there. Chuuya's eyes gazed on Dazai's bandaged arms, remembering all the times Dazai would hurt himself when he was younger, but now he never talked about it probably because he didn't want to worry Chuuya about it. It was nothing after all right?
That's what Dazai was telling himself at least.
Suddently the comfortable silence was gone broke as Chuuya spoke quietly.
"Do you still cut yourself?"
The question hang in the air for a second before Dazai laughed instead of replying.
"Yes" Dazai replied admitting honestly, "Maybe they should lock me up again..." he smiled "At least I wouldn't get on your nerves anymore, huh"
"Shut up..." Chuuya held his hand tight as his eyes gazed again at Dazai's bandages. His other hand held Dazai's "...Do you still go so deep?"
Dazai looked down at their intertwined hands, feeling a warmth spread through his chest. He didn't pull his hand away, instead, he held onto it tighter. "Yeah, the deeper the better." he added casually, like if it was nothing serious. He expected Chuuya to get angry at him like he always did while they were together in the Port Mafia, how Chuuya would always yell at him for hurting himself all over again.
"Dazai..." Chuuya didn't judge him, he wasn't angry at him like be used to as a kid. He remembered the last time he saw his scars, they were deep...too deep. Dazai always kept his arms and legs bandaged, but Chuuya thought he just wanted to hide the old scars.
"Can I...see your arms?"
Dazai's heart rate picked up. He didn't want him to see the state of his arms right now. They were probably worse than last time, deeper, more numerous. He tried to pull his hand away, but Chuuya held onto it. "Chuuya, don't..." He pleaded weakly, but at the same time he wanted him to see. "Please...I'm worried about you and I wanna see...I'm not gonna judge you about how you cope, Dazai" and these words made Dazai more calm.
"You always keep your arms and legs wrapped in bandages and I thought that you quit and just wanted to hide the old scars..."
Dazai's eyes softened. He knew that Chuuya wasn't judging him, he never did. Chuuya was genuinely concerned about him. He closed his eyes briefly before slowly pulling up his sleeves, revealing his arms wrapped in bandages. "I never quit" he said quietly.
The truth was that Dazai never wanted to quit
It was addiction
Which was killing him slowly.
"Can I see?" Chuuya asked again as he sat up to face him.
Dazai hesitated briefly before carefully unwrapping the bandages on his forearm. The wounds were deep, some looked really fresh and the other healing with jagged scars. He kept his eyes on Chuuya's face, waiting for his reaction.
Chuuya's eyes slightly widened as he saw how deep some of these were, but most of them were half way healed already, he also noticed the older ones but these still scarred visibly "Dazai..." he took his hand, the other hand touched Dazai's healed scars gently. Dazai flinched at Chuuya's gentle touch on his scarred skin. No one ever touched his scars, not even himself at all unless he was causing new ones. He looked down at Chuuya's hand holding his, then up at his face. Chuuya wasn't looking at him with disgust or judgment. Instead, there was concern and something else Dazai couldn't quite identify.
"...Can I ask you something?" Chuuya as as he leaned closer to him again.
Dazai trembled slightly at their closeness. Chuuya's warm breath against his lips was surprisingly soothing. He nodded slowly, his voice barely above a whisper, "Mhm..." Actually, he found himself leaning into Chuuya's touch slightly. "...Anything."
"Why do you still do this?" he asked quietly with concern but also understanding.
Dazai closed his eyes tightly at his question. It was simple, really. He did it because he deserved the pain. Because he needed a reminder of his past mistakes and failures. Because he was a worthless, broken man who didn't deserve happiness or relief from his inner demons. "Because I deserve it," he whispered hoarsely.
"You deserve it? Because of what?" Chuuya asked.
Dazai hesitated briefly before speaking again "Because of everything I've done. Because of all the people I've hurt. Because I'm a worthless, selfish bastard who doesn't deserve an ounce of happiness. Because I need the pain to remind me of my failures."
"You don't deserve this" he said "No matter what mistakes you made, Dazai.. it wasn't your fault that this bastard Mori made a weapon out of you...of us. I was there too, I remember everytime you tried to end it, Dazai...You think I never cared about that?"
He stiffened at Chuuya's words, his eyes widening slightly. He hadn't expected him to bring up that past. The memories flooded back and a lump formed in his throat.
"You tried to kill yourself since you were a kid because of things that weren't your fault" he held his face gently. Dazai flinched away from his touch slightly, tears welling up in his eyes. He couldn't believe Chuuya remembered all that. But Chuuya always knew. He always saw through his masks and excuses.
"Stop"
"No, Dazai...I had to say it" Chuuya said as he touched his scarred arm avoiding fresh wounds as he brought it closer to his face
Dazai let out a shaky breath as he felt Chuuya's gentle touch on his arm. It was soothing. Nothing like the pain he was used to inflicting on himself. Tears spilled down his cheeks silently. "Chuuya.." He whispered brokenly, his voice cracking. "Please..."
"It's alright" Chuuya whispered as he wiped Dazai's tears off and kissed his lips softly.
"You didn't deserve this"
Another kiss connected their mouths, their hands were still interwired on Dazai's thigh. Chuuya's other hand touched Dazai's cheek again as they layed down together on the bed and their bodies pressed against each other falling into slumber.
"It's okay"