Archive of Our Own ^beta

Thame and Jun had been together from childhood. They met in childhood, in a small school where everyone knew everyone. Jun was loud even back then. He ran too fast, talked too much, laughed too hard. He broke pencils, lost notebooks, and somehow always had dirt on his face.

Thame was different. He was calm. He listened. He followed rules most of the time.

Somehow, they became inseparable.

Jun dragged Thame into trouble.

Thame pulled Jun out of it.

Jun climbed trees and jumped from places he should not.

Thame stood below, arms open, heart racing.

Jun talked to strangers like they were old friends.

Thame stood beside him, nodding quietly, making sure Jun did not go too far.

People often asked Thame why he stayed with Jun. Thame never knew how to answer. He just did.

For Jun, the answer was easy. “Because Thame is mine,” he would say, like it was the most natural thing in the world. Not in a jealous way. Just a fact.

They grew up like that. In middle school, Jun became even more chaotic. He joked in class, teased teachers, and made everyone laugh. He was the kind of boy who could turn a boring day into something loud and fun.

Thame became the kind of boy teachers trusted. He was polite. He helped others. He got good grades. He still laughed a lot, but mostly because of Jun. Jun loved making Thame laugh. It was his favorite thing. Whenever Thame smiled because of him, Jun felt proud, like he had won something important.

In college, nothing really changed. They still walked together every day. Still ate together. Still shared notes when Jun forgot his books, which was often. Still stayed up late talking about nothing and everything. They were best friends. Everyone knew that.

What no one knew was how quiet the feelings were.

Thame realized it first.

At the beginning of college, he thought it was just a crush. Jun was handsome in an easy way. His smile was wide and careless. His eyes were always full of light. Anyone could fall for someone like that. Thame told himself it was normal. But then days passed. Months passed. Years passed. And the feeling did not go away. It grew.

Thame noticed things he should not notice.

He noticed how Jun always walked a little closer to him than to others.

How Jun leaned on him when he laughed too hard.

How Jun called his name when he was tired, bored, or happy.

“Thame.”

“Thame, look at this.”

“Thame, wait for me.”

Every time Jun said his name, something warm moved inside Thame’s chest.

Thame tried to ignore it. He told himself they were best friends. He told himself Jun was just like that. Friendly. Touchy. Loud. And Jun liked girls. At least, that was what Thame thought. Jun talked about girls sometimes. Not seriously. Mostly jokes. Mostly teasing. But still, Thame heard it and felt his heart sink quietly.

So Thame stayed silent.

He cared for Jun in small ways. 

He remembered Jun’s favorite food. 

He brought water when Jun talked too much. 

He waited when Jun ran ahead and then came back, laughing.

He loved Jun deeply.

But he never said a word.

Because losing Jun scared him more than loving him quietly.

Jun, on the other hand, never stopped being Jun. He was chaos wrapped in laughter. He pulled pranks. He made jokes at the wrong time. He once tried to cook for Thame and almost burned the kitchen. Thame had scolded him gently while cleaning the mess. Jun laughed and said, “You sound like my husband.” He meant it as a joke. Thame had frozen for one second too long. Jun did not notice. Jun never noticed those small pauses. Those quiet looks. Those moments when Thame’s smile was a little slower. 

Jun had his own thoughts. He had loved Thame for a long time. Longer than he wanted to admit. Back in school, Jun thought Thame was amazing. He was kind when Jun was too much. He was patient when others got tired. He never left, no matter how loud or messy Jun became. Jun told himself that it was just friendship. 

But sometimes, when Thame was not looking, Jun watched him.

He watched how Thame focused in class.

How he listened carefully when Jun talked nonsense.

How his eyes softened when Jun smiled.

Jun’s chest felt tight during those moments. Jun pushed the feeling away. “Thame likes girls,” he told himself. “Guys like Thame always like girls.” Jun never asked. Never checked. He just assumed. So he stayed loud. He stayed playful. He stayed safely in the space called “best friend.” Sometimes, late at night, Jun wondered what it would be like to hold Thame’s hand and not let go. Then he laughed at himself and turned over, pretending the thought never existed.

They never talked about love.

They talked about everything else.

Classes. Food. Dreams. Stupid memories. Future plans.

“Let’s live together after university,” Jun said once, like it was nothing. Thame’s heart skipped. “Sure,” Thame answered, pretending it was nothing too.

They sat on the rooftop that night, legs hanging over the edge, city lights below them. Jun talked nonstop. Thame listened. The wind was cool. Jun leaned closer without thinking. Thame stayed still, afraid to move, afraid to breathe too loud.

It was a weekend. No classes. No alarms. No rush. Jun woke up late, hair messy, phone buzzing beside his pillow. He grabbed it and smiled when he saw the name.

Thame.

Jun answered the call without thinking.

“Come to my house,” Jun said, voice sleepy but excited. “I’m bored.”

Thame laughed softly on the other side. “You’re always bored.”

“So? Come fix it.”

Thame did not say no. Jun’s parents knew Thame well. They had known him since he was small, since he used to wait at their gate every morning to walk to school with Jun. To them, Thame was almost family. When Thame arrived, Jun’s mother smiled warmly.

“You’re here again,” she said.

“I always am,” Thame replied politely.

Jun ran out of his room barefoot. “THAME!”

He jumped on Thame’s back without warning.

“Jun!!” Thame almost lost balance but managed to hold him. “Get down!”

Jun laughed loudly, arms around Thame’s shoulders. “You missed me.”

“It’s been one day,” Thame said.

“One day too long.”

Jun’s parents shook their heads, used to this chaos. After some time, Jun’s parents went outside. They trusted both of them. The house became quiet. Too quiet.

Jun grinned. “My room. Now.”

He pulled Thame’s wrist and dragged him inside. Jun’s room was messy. Clothes on the chair. Books half-open. Posters on the wall. The bed looked like it had survived a war.

Thame looked around. “You still don’t clean.”

Jun flopped on the bed. “I clean emotionally.”

“That doesn’t count.”

Jun threw a pillow at Thame’s face.

Thame gasped. “Did you just-”

Another pillow hit him. That was it. Thame grabbed a pillow and attacked back. The room filled with laughter. Pillows flew everywhere. Jun jumped on the bed, standing tall like a warrior. Thame climbed up too, trying to keep balance. Jun swung the pillow hard. Thame blocked it. Feathers escaped.

“You’re cheating!” Jun shouted.

“You started it!”

Jun laughed so hard he fell backward onto the bed. Thame followed without thinking, landing on top of him. They froze. They were too close. Thame’s knee touched Jun’s thigh. They could feel each other breathing. For one second, neither of them laughed.

Jun blinked first and rolled away quickly. “Okay, okay, break time!”

Thame sat up, heart beating fast. “Yeah. Break.”

They both pretended nothing happened.

Jun grabbed another pillow and slowly hit Thame’s shoulder. “You’re getting old.”

“You’re getting annoying.”

Jun smiled proudly. “I was born annoying.”

He jumped again, attacking Thame from behind. Thame turned and caught Jun’s waist to stop him. They stumbled. Jun lost balance and fell against Thame. Thame’s arms wrapped around Jun without thinking. They stayed like that. Thame’s hands were still on Jun’s waist.

Jun laughed softly. “Why are you holding me like that?”

Thame slowly let go. “Because you were falling.”

“Oh.” Jun paused. “Thanks.”

They moved apart again.

Jun jumped off the bed and sat on the floor. “You’re acting weird today.”

Thame looked away. “And you’re always weird.”

Jun grinned. “True.”

Jun suddenly stood up and tackled Thame onto the bed again.

“HEY-”

Jun laughed, sitting on Thame’s stomach. “I win.”

Thame tried to push him away. “Get off.”

“No.”

Jun leaned closer, grinning down at him. “Say please.”

Thame’s throat felt dry.

“Jun.”

Jun tilted his head. “Yes?”

They were too close again. Jun’s face was right above his. Thame could see every detail. Jun’s eyes. His smile. The way his hair fell over his forehead. Jun did not notice how quiet Thame became.

After a moment, Jun laughed and rolled away. “Relax, I’m joking!”

Thame exhaled slowly. They lay side by side on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Jun talked about random things. A movie he wanted to watch. A joke he heard. A stupid idea he had. Thame listened, as always.

Jun turned his head to look at him. “You’re really quiet today.”

Thame smiled softly. “Just tired.”

Jun nodded and suddenly rested his head on Thame’s shoulder. It felt natural. Too natural. Thame did not move.

Jun sighed happily. “This is nice.”

Thame swallowed. “Yeah.”

They stayed like that, best friends in a quiet room, hearts full of things they would not say.

University was loud that day. Students filled the halls, talking, laughing, running from one class to another. Jun walked beside Thame, backpack half open, papers sticking out.

“Your bag looks like it will explode,” Thame said.

“It’s artistic chaos,” Jun replied. “Don’t judge me.”

Thame smiled. Later they reached the library. Thame stopped.

“I need to return a book,” he said.

Jun nodded. “I’ll wait.”

Thame walked toward the counter. Jun leaned against a table, scrolling on his phone, then he noticed a few girls standing nearby. They were whispering and looking in Thame’s direction.

Jun did not think much at first. Then one of the girls walked up to Thame.

“Excuse me,” she said softly. “You’re Thame, right?”

Thame looked surprised. “Yes?”

“We heard you’re really good at this subject,” another girl said. “Can you help us with homework?”

Thame hesitated for a moment, then nodded politely. “Sure. What do you need help with?”

Jun looked up. His fingers stopped moving. He watched as Thame sat with them. He watched how Thame explained things calmly, patiently. He watched how the girls smiled, leaned closer, and laughed lightly. Jun’s chest felt strange.

Tight.

Hot.

He told himself it was nothing. Thame always helped people. That was just who he was. Jun crossed his arms and looked away. Minutes passed. Jun did not join them. He did not interrupt. He did not joke like he usually did. He just waited. When Thame finally came back, Jun stood up quickly.

“Done?” Jun asked.

“Yeah,” Thame replied. “Sorry, did I make you wait long?”

Jun shrugged. “Whatever.”

They walked together, but something felt off. Jun was quiet. Too quiet. He did not tease Thame. He did not talk loudly. He did not complain. Thame noticed. He always did. During lunch, Jun poked at his food without eating much.

“You’re not hungry?” Thame asked.

“I am.”

“Then eat.”

Jun took a small bite and stopped again. Thame frowned slightly but said nothing. Later, after classes, they walked back together. The sun was setting. The campus was calmer.

“Jun,” Thame finally said.

Jun hummed. “Yeah?”

“You’ve been acting weird today.”

Jun stopped walking. Thame stopped too.

“What do you mean?” Jun asked, not looking at him.

“You’ve been quiet. You didn’t joke. You didn’t yell at me once,” Thame said. “That’s strange.”

Jun laughed softly. “So now you’re complaining?”

“I’m worried.”

Jun looked at him then. For a moment, his expression was unreadable.

“It’s nothing,” Jun said. “Just tired."

Thame shook his head. “It’s not nothing.”

Jun sighed and turned away again. “Why do you care?”

Thame’s voice softened. “Because you’re my best friend.”

Jun swallowed. They walked a little more until they reached a quiet spot near the benches. Jun sat down heavily. Thame sat beside him. 

Jun crossed his arms. “I just don’t like it.”

“Like what?”

Jun stayed silent for a moment.

“You helping them,” Jun said finally.

Thame blinked. “Helping… who?”

“The girls.”

“Oh.”

Jun looked away. “I don’t like sharing.”

Thame frowned. “Sharing what?”

Jun answered quickly, “You.”

Thame froze.

Jun realized what he said and laughed nervously. “I mean—your time. You’re always with me. Suddenly everyone wants you.”

Thame’s heart beat faster.

“I help people sometimes,” Thame said gently.

“I know,” Jun replied. “I just don’t like it.”

“Why?”

Jun shrugged. “Because you’re mine.”

He said it like a joke. But his voice was not joking. Thame stared at him. Jun avoided his eyes.

“You’ve always been with me,” Jun continued, quieter now. “I don’t like sharing that. Especially you.”

Thame felt warmth spread in his chest. And fear.They sat in silence.

Jun kicked a small stone on the ground. “It’s stupid, right?”

Thame shook his head slowly. “No.”

Jun looked up. “No?”

“It’s… understandable,” Thame said. “But you don’t have to be jealous.”

Jun smiled weakly. “I’m not jealous.”

Thame did not argue.

Jun leaned back on the bench. “You’re popular now. Helping people. Being nice. I guess I don’t like when others see that side of you.”

Thame asked quietly, “Why?”

Jun laughed again. “Because then I won’t be special.”

The words slipped out before Jun could stop them. Thame’s breath caught.

Jun realized what he said and quickly added, “I mean—as your best friend.”

Thame nodded. “You’ll always be special.”

Jun looked at him.

“Really?”

“Really.”

Jun smiled then, wide and bright.

“Good,” Jun said. “Because I don’t plan on sharing you.”

Thame smiled back, hiding the storm inside his heart. They stood up and walked home together. Jun returned to his usual self. Talking loudly. Joking. Laughing.

It was the last class of the day. English class. The kind of class where time moved very slowly. Jun sat on the last bench, legs stretched out, head resting on the desk. His book was open, but his mind was far away. Thame sat beside him properly, back straight, pen in hand, actually listening.

Jun turned his head and whispered, “I’m dying.”

Thame did not look at him. “You’re not.”

“Yes, I am,” Jun said dramatically. “This class is killing me.”

The teacher was explaining something in a calm voice. Words filled the room. Jun heard none of them. Jun poked Thame’s arm with his pen.

Thame whispered back, “Stop it.”

Jun grinned. “Let’s bunk.”

Thame’s pen stopped moving. He finally looked at Jun. “No.”

Jun frowned. “Why not?”

“Because it’s class.”

“So?”

“So we should attend.”

Jun stared at him like Thame had said something very wrong.

“You’re boring,” Jun said.

“I’m responsible,” Thame replied.

Jun leaned closer. “One class won’t kill you.”

“It might,” Thame said seriously.

Jun sighed loudly and dropped his head on the desk again. After a few seconds, Jun started whining.

“Thameeee,” he whispered, dragging the word long. “Pleaseeee.”

Thame ignored him.

Jun tried again. “Thame, I’ll die of boredom. Do you want that?”

“Yes,” Thame said softly.

Jun gasped. “You’re cruel.”

Jun sat up and grabbed Thame’s sleeve. “Just this once.”

“No.”

Jun pouted. His lips pushed out. His eyes looked sad on purpose. Thame glanced at him and quickly looked away.

“Don’t make that face,” Thame whispered.

Jun leaned closer. “Why? It works.”

“No, it doesn’t.”

Jun rested his chin on Thame’s shoulder. “Please.”

Thame froze.

Jun’s voice became softer. “I promise I’ll behave after this.”

Thame almost laughed. Almost.

“You never behave,” Thame said.

“But I’ll try,” Jun said. “For you.”

Thame closed his eyes for a moment. This was dangerous.

Jun smiled when he saw Thame hesitate. “Come on. Let’s escape.”

Thame sighed quietly. “If we get caught-”

“We won’t.”

Thame looked at Jun. “You swear?”

Jun raised his hand. “I swear on my life.”

“That doesn’t mean much,” Thame said.

Jun laughed silently. They both silently get ready with their bag. The teacher turned to write something on the board. Jun’s eyes lit up.

“Now,” Jun whispered.

Before Thame could say anything, Jun grabbed Thame’s hand tightly. Thame’s breath caught. Jun pulled him gently but firmly toward the last door of the class. They moved slowly, quietly, trying not to make noise. Thame’s heart was beating fast. They reached the door. Jun opened it just enough and slipped out. Thame followed. The door closed softly behind them. For one second, they just stood there in the hallway. Then Jun laughed. Not loud. Just happy.

“We did it,” Jun whispered.

Thame looked at their hands. Jun was still holding his hand.

Jun noticed and quickly dropped it. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Thame said, though his heart said otherwise. They walked out of the building and into the open air.

Jun stretched his arms wide. “Freedom!”

Thame shook his head. “You’re impossible.”

Jun smiled at him. “But you still came.”

They walked toward the park nearby. The park was calm. A few people sat on benches. Children played in the distance. Jun ran ahead and jumped onto the grass.

“Come on!” he shouted.

Thame followed more slowly.

Jun kicked off his shoes and walked barefoot on the grass. “This feels nice.”

Thame sat on a bench. “You’ll be sick.”

Jun turned around. “You worry too much.”

Jun suddenly ran toward Thame and sat beside him, very close.

“Are you mad?” Jun asked.

“No.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

Jun smiled. “Good.”

They stayed quiet for a while.

Jun leaned back, hands behind his head. “See? This is better than class.”

Thame looked at the sky. “It is… peaceful.”

Jun glanced at him. “You like it.”

Thame nodded. “A little.”

Jun grinned. “I knew it.”

Jun stood up suddenly. “Race you to that tree!”

Before Thame could reply, Jun ran.

“Jun!”

Thame laughed and chased after him. Jun ran badly and almost fell. Thame caught him from behind. They stumbled.

Jun laughed loudly. “You saved me!”

Thame’s arms were around Jun again. Too close.

Jun turned his head slightly. “Thanks, hero.”

Thame quickly let go. “Be careful.”

They sat under the tree, breathing hard from laughing.

Jun lay down on the grass. “Best decision ever.”

Thame sat beside him, knees pulled up. “We’ll have to catch up on notes.”

Jun waved his hand. “Future problem.”

Thame smiled softly.

Jun closed his eyes. “I’m glad you came with me.”

Thame looked at him. “Me too.”

Jun opened one eye. “Really?”

“Yes.”

Jun smiled fully and closed his eyes again.

Jun was the one who suggested it.

“Let’s go clubbing,” Jun said, spinning his phone in his hand.

Thame looked up from his book. “Clubbing?”

“Yes,” Jun said brightly. “We’re young. We should do young people things.”

Thame frowned. “I don’t really-”

Jun leaned closer. “Please.”

Thame sighed. “You always say that.”

“And you always say yes.”

Thame paused. “…That’s not true.”

Jun smiled. “It is tonight.”

They ended up agreeing. Later that night, Jun stood in front of the mirror, fixing his hair. He wore a black shirt, slightly open at the neck. He looked like himself. Loud. Confident. Thame came to his room to go to a club together. Jun turned around and froze.Thame looked different. Very different. His hair was styled neatly but not too neat. His shirt fit him perfectly, dark and clean. The sleeves hugged his arms. His jacket sat on his shoulders like it belonged there.

He looked calm. And dangerously handsome. Jun stared.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Thame asked.

Jun blinked quickly. “Like what?”

“Like you forgot how to breathe.”

Jun laughed loudly. “Shut up.”

But his ears felt hot.

Thame tilted his head. “Is this okay? I don’t usually dress like this.”

Jun swallowed. “Yeah. It’s… fine.”

Fine was not the right word. They reached the club. Music hit them the moment they walked in. Loud. Deep. Vibrating through the floor. Lights flashed everywhere. Jun loved this place instantly. Thame looked a little unsure but followed Jun inside. They went to the bar.

“Just a little,” Jun said. “Not too much.”

Thame nodded. “I don’t drink much.”

They ordered drinks. Jun took small sips. Thame did the same at first. They stood close, shoulders brushing. Jun kept glancing at Thame without meaning to. Every time Thame smiled, Jun felt strange. They moved to the dance floor. The music was louder there. People moved around them, bodies close, energy high.

Jun grabbed Thame’s wrist. “Come on.”

“I don’t dance,” Thame said.

“You can stand and move,” Jun replied. “That counts.”

They stood facing each other. At first, they moved awkwardly. Then slowly, the music pulled them in. Jun stepped closer. Too close. Thame didn’t move away. Jun’s hand found Thame’s waist without thinking.It felt warm. Thame’s breath caught but he didn’t stop Jun. Instead, Thame lifted his hand and rested it around Jun’s neck, fingers light, unsure. Jun’s heart started racing. They danced like that. Not fast. Not slow. Just close. Too close for best friends. Jun could feel Thame’s body. His breath. His presence. Thame looked at Jun. The lights made his eyes darker. Jun forgot how to joke. Forgot how to laugh. For a moment, it felt like the whole club disappeared. Just them. Just this. Jun’s fingers tightened slightly on Thame’s waist. Thame leaned in a little more.

Jun suddenly pulled back, breath uneven. “Drink.”

Thame nodded quickly. “Yeah.”

They went back to the bar. This time, Thame drank more. One drink. Then another. Jun noticed too late.

“Slow down,” Jun said.

“I’m fine,” Thame replied, smiling softly.

But his smile looked loose. Different. Jun watched as Thame finished another drink.

“Okay,” Jun said firmly. “That’s enough.”

Thame laughed quietly. “You sound bossy.”

Jun didn’t laugh back. Thame swayed a little. Jun caught his arm immediately.

“You’re drunk,” Jun said.

“Maybe a little.”

Jun sighed. “I’ll take you home.”

Thame looked at him, eyes soft. “You will?”

“Yes.”

Thame smiled, trusting. “Okay.”

Jun wrapped an arm around him and guided him out of the club. The music faded behind them. Thame leaned into Jun without thinking. Jun held him tighter.

“I’ve got you,” Jun said quietly.

They went to Thame’s house with the help of a cab.

Jun helped Thame walk up to the house. Thame leaned on him more with every step. His steps were unsteady, his head resting lightly against Jun’s shoulder.

“You okay?” Jun asked softly.

Thame hummed. “Too loud in my head.”

Jun tightened his grip. “Almost there.”

When they reached the door, Jun carefully took out Thame’s keys from his pocket and opened it. The house was quiet. No lights. No voices. Jun paused for a moment.

“Why is the house so quiet?” Jun asked.

Thame said. “Mom and dad are out of town… work.”

Jun felt relieved. If they were home, they would have worried immediately seeing Thame like this. Jun closed the door gently and helped Thame inside.

Thame leaned more weight onto Jun. “Hot,” he complained quietly.

“It’s not that hot,” Jun said, but he still guided Thame toward the stairs. Every step up felt slow. When they finally reached Thame’s room, Jun opened the door and turned on the light. Thame’s room looked the same as always. Neat. Simple. Everything in its place. Jun helped Thame sit on the bed.

Thame immediately tugged at his jacket. “Too hot.”

“Wait,” Jun said gently.

But Thame was already trying to pull off his shirt. His hands were clumsy. The buttons slipped from his fingers.

“I can’t,” Thame whined, voice soft and frustrated.

Jun watched him struggle, heart beating faster than it should.

“Thame,” Jun said, stepping closer. “Stop.”

Thame looked up at him, eyes unfocused. “It’s hot… Jun.”

Jun swallowed.

“I’ll help,” Jun said quietly.

Thame nodded without thinking. “Okay.”

Jun moved slowly. Very slowly. He carefully helped Thame take off his jacket first, placing it on the chair. Then he reached for Thame’s shirt. His fingers brushed Thame’s skin by accident. Jun froze. Thame didn’t move. Didn’t react. Jun took a breath and continued. He unbuttoned the shirt one button at a time, trying not to rush. Trying not to think too much. When the shirt finally came off, Jun turned away quickly.

“I’ll get you something clean,” Jun said.

He walked to the cupboard, hands shaking just a little. He opened it and took out a soft T-shirt.

When he turned back, Thame was sitting quietly, head slightly down, hair messy. Jun helped him put the T-shirt on carefully, guiding his arms through the sleeves.

“There,” Jun said softly.

Thame smiled faintly. “Thank you.”

Jun felt his chest tighten.

“I’ll clean you up a bit,” Jun said. “You’re sweaty.”

He went to the bathroom and came back with a wet towel. Jun knelt in front of Thame and gently wiped his face first. Slow. Careful. Thame closed his eyes. Jun wiped his hands, then his arms. The room felt very quiet. Too quiet. Jun could hear his own heartbeat. Thame suddenly opened his eyes and looked at Jun. Their faces were close. Too close. Jun stopped moving. Neither of them spoke. The air between them felt thick, heavy with things they never said.

Jun stood up slowly. “Lie down,” he said. “You need rest.”

Thame nodded and lay back on the bed. Jun pulled a blanket over him gently.

“I’m here,” Jun said quietly. “Sleep.”

Thame smiled softly. “Don’t go.”

Jun’s heart skipped.

“I won’t,” Jun replied.

He sat on the edge of the bed, back straight, hands clenched together.

The room was dark. Only a small light from the street slipped through the window, falling softly on the bed. Jun was awake. He had not slept at all. He sat half-lying beside Thame, back against the headboard, eyes fixed on the ceiling. Every few minutes, he looked down to check Thame’s face. To make sure he was breathing well. To make sure he was okay. Thame slept unevenly. Sometimes he moved. Sometimes he frowned. Sometimes he mumbled words Jun could not understand. Jun stayed. He always stayed. At some point in the middle of the night, Thame moved again. He shifted closer. His hand brushed Jun’s arm.

Jun looked down immediately. “Thame?”

Thame’s eyes slowly opened. They were not fully clear. Still heavy. Still drunk.

“Jun…” Thame whispered.

Jun leaned closer. “I’m here.”

Thame blinked a few times, trying to focus. “Why are you here?”

Jun smiled softly. “Because you needed me.”

Thame stared at him for a long moment. His eyes moved slowly over Jun’s face, like he was seeing him differently.

“You’re real,” Thame said quietly.

Jun laughed a little. “Yes. Unfortunately.”

Thame shook his head slowly. “No… fortunately.”

Jun’s smile faded. Thame swallowed and pushed himself up slightly, leaning on one arm. He looked unsteady.

“Lie down,” Jun said. “You’re still drunk.”

Thame ignored him. Jun reached out to support him, hand touching Thame’s back. That touch seemed to change something. Thame looked at Jun again. Longer this time.

“Jun,” Thame said.

“Yeah?”

“I think… I’m going to say something stupid.”

Jun’s heart started beating faster. “Then don’t.”

Thame smiled faintly. “I can’t stop.”

Jun opened his mouth to joke, to change the topic, to protect them both. But Thame spoke first.

“I’ve loved you for a long time.”

Jun froze. The world went quiet. Thame’s voice was low, uneven, but honest.

“I thought it was a crush,” Thame continued slowly. “In college. I thought it would go away.”

Jun didn’t move. Didn’t breathe.

“But it didn’t,” Thame said. “It stayed. It grew. Every year. Every day.”

Jun whispered, “Thame…”

“I didn’t want to ruin us,” Thame said quickly, words spilling now. “I didn’t want to lose you. So I stayed quiet. I stayed as your friend. I watched you laugh, and talk, and live… and I loved you more.”

His eyes looked wet.

“I love you,” Thame said again. “Not as a friend. Not a little. I love you completely.”

Jun felt like his chest was breaking open.

“Thame, you’re drunk,” Jun said softly, voice shaking. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”

Thame shook his head. “I know. I’ve always known.”

Jun tried to speak. Tried to say wait. Tried to say we should talk later. But Thame leaned forward. Slowly. Carefully. As if giving Jun time to stop him.

Jun’s hand lifted without thinking, touching Thame’s arm. “Thame-”

Thame kissed him. It was soft. Unsteady. Warm. Jun’s mind went blank.

For one second, Jun thought of pushing him away. But he didn’t push him away. He didn’t move back. Instead, his hand tightened. The kiss deepened, still gentle, still unsure. Lips brushing again, like they were afraid to press too hard. Jun’s heart felt like it would explode. He kissed back. Just once. Just a little. Thame made a soft sound and leaned more into it. Thame shifted, slowly moving over Jun,Thame was above him now, holding himself up with shaking arms. His weight pressed down, but not heavy. Jun lay back on the bed. Thame kissed him again, a little longer, a little closer. His lips were warm. Familiar. Dangerous. Jun’s hands came up, holding Thame’s arms.

The room felt too small. The moment felt too big. Their lips moved slowly, brushing, pressing, separating for half a second, then meeting again. Jun could feel how much Thame wanted this.

How long he must have waited. Thame kissed Jun like he was afraid this was the only chance. Like he had loved him forever. Jun’s chest felt tight. His mind screamed this is wrong, this will change everything—

But his body didn’t pull away. Jun’s fingers pressed into Thame’s shirt. The kiss lasted a few seconds more. Then Thame’s body suddenly relaxed. His weight dropped slightly. The kiss broke. Thame’s head fell forward, resting against Jun’s neck.

Jun gasped softly. “Thame?”

No answer. Thame’s breathing slowed, steady and deep. He had fallen asleep. Thame’s arms wrapped around Jun loosely, holding him close. His face pressed into the space between Jun’s neck and shoulder, warm breath brushing Jun’s skin. Jun lay there, frozen. Jun slowly wrapped one arm around Thame, just enough to keep him from slipping. He stared into the dark, heart pounding, mind full. Thame slept peacefully on top of him. Holding him. Like he belonged there. And Jun stayed awake, holding him back, knowing nothing would ever be simple again.

The morning light came slowly through Thame’s window. It was quiet in the house. Too quiet. Jun woke up early,before thame woke up, he slowly tried to free himself from thame as thame was laying on top of him, hugging him tightly, then he prepared a hangover drink for thame , kept it on the side table and left the house.Thame opened his eyes 2 hours after jun left. His head felt heavy, mouth dry, body stiff. He blinked a few times and remembered where he was, his own room. But Jun… Jun was gone. Thame’s eyes widened. Panic rose inside him. He sat up slowly, looking around. Jun had left without a word. Thame’s stomach dropped. He looked around the room. On the side table, he saw a small glass with a little water. A leftover hangover drink. The memory hit him like a wave.

Yesterday.

The club. The drinks. The laughter.

The walk back to his house.

The heat, the closeness, the towel.

And…

His confession.

His words.

“I love you.Not as a friend. Not a little. I love you completely.”

The words had left his mouth like fire, like they were burning and freeing something all at once. And Jun… Jun had kissed him. His lips… soft. Warm. Careful. Full of the same feelings he had held back for years. Thame closed his eyes, hugging his knees to his chest. The memory of the kiss made his chest ache. Then, suddenly, reality hit.

Jun was gone.

He had left.

Thame picked up his phone with shaky hands. He dialed Jun’s number. One ring. Two rings. Three. Voicemail. He tried again. No answer. And again. No answer. Thame’s chest tightened.

He knew. He knew this was going to happen. He knew Jun would pull away. He had known, deep down. But he had hoped…

Hope had made him speak.

Hope had made him kiss Jun.

And now… he was alone. He put his head in his hands. He remembered every detail. Every word. Every touch. Jun’s hands on his shoulders. Jun’s lips. Jun’s eyes. He had wanted it. He had needed it. And Jun… Jun had wanted it too, for a moment, he was sure of it. But now…

Now Jun is gone. Thame pressed the phone to his chest and tried calling again. No answer.

He sent messages. “Jun… please…” Nothing.

His thumb hovered over the screen, staring at the “Delivered” ticks that didn’t turn blue. Thame’s vision blurred. Tears slid down his cheeks. He fell back onto the bed. He whispered to himself, broken. “I shouldn’t have… I shouldn’t have done it.”

He thought about Jun sleeping beside him last night. How he had held him. How Jun had been quiet, watching him, caring. And he remembered the kiss.

The soft, gentle kiss.

The way Jun had leaned into him.

The way Jun had let him move over him.

Thame sobbed softly, muffling it into the pillow.

“I ruined it,” he whispered.

He sat there for a long time, feeling heavy. Feeling the weight of the moment and the consequences he couldn’t fix yet. He tried to remember if he had done the right thing. He had spoken the truth. But maybe… maybe some truths were too dangerous. He reached for the glass on the table and took a sip of water, hoping it would calm him. It didn’t. He curled up in the bed again, phone still in hand. Every vibration made his heart jump. Every sound outside made him hope it was Jun coming back. But Jun didn’t come. The room was quiet. Thame stayed there, hugging himself, feeling guilty, broken, and alone. He thought about the month-long vacation. No university, no classes, no distractions. No escape. Just him. And the memory of Jun’s lips. The memory of the warmth they shared. And now… Jun was gone. Thame cried for hours.

He tried to calm himself down. “Jun needed space. Jun will call. Jun will understand.”

But he couldn’t stop the fear, the ache, the guilt.

He whispered to the empty room, “I didn’t mean to… I didn’t mean to ruin us.”

He didn’t know if he would be able to face Jun again.

He didn’t know if Jun would forgive him… or if Jun would ever look at him the same way.

He closed his eyes, pressed the pillow against his face, and let himself cry.

Jun sat in his room, staring at the ceiling. The music from the club yesterday still echoed faintly in his mind. He could feel the weight of what happened last night.

Thame. His words. His lips. His confession. The kiss.

Every part of it stayed in Jun’s mind, repeating, over and over. Jun’s heart felt like it was both burning and freezing at the same time. He knew one thing. One undeniable truth.

He loved Thame. He had loved him for a long time. Longer than he wanted to admit. Longer than he thought he could handle.

Thame wasn’t just his best friend. Thame was his heart. His home. Jun’s fingers drummed nervously on the table. But then a dark, heavier thought crept in.

Am I enough for him?

He was Jun. Loud. Chaotic. Clumsy. Careless. Messy.

Thame… Thame was the exact opposite. Calm. Responsible. Careful. Everything Jun was not.

Could someone like Thame, so perfect, so gentle, so careful, really love him back?

Or was it just a mistake?

Jun’s chest tightened. He remembered how Thame’s face looked when he had confessed. Honest. Vulnerable. Full of trust. Jun loved him more for that.

But it also scared him.

Because now that trust was in his hands.

Jun’s mind raced.

If he said yes, if he let this go forward… could he really keep Thame happy? Could he be what Thame deserved?

He looked at his phone. Messages from Thame. Calls. Missed calls.

Jun pressed his thumb against the screen, almost dialing, almost replying. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. Not yet. He remembered last night how close Thame had been. How soft his lips had felt. How warm he had been in Jun’s arms. Jun felt his chest tighten again.

Part of him wanted to run back. To call Thame. To sit with him and never let go.

But another part of him was frozen. Afraid. Afraid he would ruin everything. Afraid he wasn’t enough.

Jun sat back down on his bed. Head in his hands.

He remembered how different they were.

Thame could organize his whole life in a day. Jun sometimes couldn’t even remember to eat.

Thame thought carefully before he spoke. Jun just shouted first and thought later.

Thame stayed calm. Jun panicked.

Could someone like Thame ever really want someone like him?

Jun closed his eyes.

He could hear Thame’s voice in his head. “I’ve loved you for a long time.”

It should have made him happy. And it did. But it also made him scared. Because now he couldn’t run from his feelings anymore. He loved Thame. And that love was dangerous. It made him nervous, reckless, and… human in a way he wasn’t used to. Jun’s fingers fidgeted with the edge of his blanket. He thought about Thame. Thame was probably waiting. Probably worried. Probably sad.

Jun didn’t want to hurt him.

He didn’t want to lose him.

And yet, here he was. Sitting alone. Avoiding him. Ignoring calls. Ignoring messages.

He didn’t know what to do. Jun leaned back against the wall and stared at the ceiling again. He remembered every touch from last night.. Every small movement that had sent shivers through him. He remembered Thame on top of him, asleep, his face pressed into Jun’s neck. Jun had stayed awake then, processing everything. Wondering if this was real. It was real. And it scared him.

Because Jun wasn’t ready.

Not ready to confess. Not ready to say the words back. Not ready to admit that the chaos, the noise, the jokes, the laughter were all nothing without Thame.

Jun’s chest ached. He wanted Thame. But he was terrified.

Could he be enough for someone like Thame?

Could he hold someone so gentle without breaking them?

Jun ran a hand through his hair, biting his lip.

He wanted to tell Thame everything.

He wanted to scream that he loved him back.

He wanted to wrap him in his arms and never let go.

But what if he failed?

What if he ruined the one thing he had cherished most?

Jun’s thoughts went in circles.

One part of him was screaming run to him.

Another part was whispering stay away.

Because love, Jun realized, wasn’t just about wanting someone. It was about responsibility. About care. About being the person they deserved.

And Jun… he didn’t feel ready.

He didn’t feel like he was enough.

So he stayed in his room. Silent. Scared. Full of love he couldn’t say. He checked his phone one last time. Thame’s name flashed again. Jun’s chest tightened. He wanted to answer. He wanted to tell Thame everything. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. He was too scared. Too unsure. Too in love. Jun lay back on his bed. Staring at the ceiling. And wondering if someday he could be brave enough to say it out loud. Because right now… right now, Jun wasn’t ready. But one thing was certain. He couldn’t forget him. He wouldn’t. And maybe… one day, he would find the courage. But not today. Today, he stayed alone.

It had been five days. Five long days. Thame had not contacted Jun. Not a call. Not a message. Not even a small emoji. Jun’s phone had stayed silent, and every time it buzzed for another reason, Jun’s heart sank. Thame was probably avoiding him. Probably angry. Probably hurt. Jun ran a hand through his hair. He couldn’t stop thinking about that night. About the confession. About the kiss. He remembered the way Thame’s lips had pressed against his. Soft, warm, hesitant at first, then sure.

And now… five days of silence. Meanwhile, Thame was struggling on his own. He felt sick.

Not physically. His stomach was fine. But the ache in his chest, the weight in his heart, made him feel weak. His parents noticed.

“You’re not looking well, Thame,” his mother said one morning, sitting beside him at the breakfast table.

“I’m fine,” Thame said quickly, forcing a small smile.

“You’ve been in your room a lot,” his father added. “Is everything okay?”

Thame nodded. “I’m fine.”

He wanted to believe it. But the truth was heavier than his forced words. He had been scared.

Scared of what had happened. 

Scared that Jun might not feel the same.

Scared that he had made a mistake by confessing.

Scared that their friendship, the one thing he had always treasured most, might be broken forever.

So he stayed silent. He didn’t message Jun. He didn’t call. He didn’t even open the chat for fear he would send a message he couldn’t take back. And as the days passed, the ache only grew.

Jun, meanwhile, rehearsed. Every day, over and over, he imagined what he would say. He sat on his bed for hours, writing drafts in his notebook, crumpling them, and starting again.

“I love you, Thame.”

“I’m scared. I’m not perfect, but I want to try. If you’ll let me.”

“I don’t want to lose you. You’re my everything.”

He read the sentences aloud to himself. Over and over. Then he shook his head. They didn’t feel enough. He wanted Thame to understand everything, the fear, the love, the longing, the regret. And every time he imagined handing Thame a letter, his heart pounded like crazy. Because it wouldn’t be a small confession. It would be everything. Every fear. Every doubt. Every truth about how much Thame meant to him. And he wasn’t sure Thame would accept it. Jun chewed his lip.

Part of him thought he should wait. Maybe Thame needed space. Maybe Thame needed time.

But another part,the larger, louder part knew he couldn’t wait forever. Thame had risked everything by confessing. Jun couldn’t let fear make him walk away now. So he decided. He would write a letter. A real letter. With pen and paper. With words from his heart. He went to his desk, pulled out a clean sheet of paper, and started.

“Thame,” he wrote.

The first word made him hesitate. But he kept going.

“I’ve thought about what happened. Every moment. Every word. Every touch. I can’t stop thinking about you. About us.”

Jun paused. His hand shook slightly.

“I’m scared. Scared because I love you. Scared because I’m not perfect. Scared that I might hurt you or fail you. But one thing is true: I love you more than anything. More than friends. More than anything I’ve ever known.”

He stopped and looked at the paper. It didn’t feel like enough. So he wrote more.

“I know I am loud, chaotic, sometimes careless. You are careful, kind, responsible. You are the one I look up to in ways I can’t explain. I wonder every day if someone like you could really want someone like me. But I want to try. I want to be the person you deserve. I want to be with you if you will let me. Even if I’m not perfect, even if I make mistakes, even if I am nothing like you. I love you, Thame. And I want you to choose me, if you want me too.”

Jun read the words aloud. His voice was soft, trembling slightly. He could feel the weight of his heart in his chest. He wrote one last line:

“I am scared, but I am yours, if you want me. Always.”

He signed it simply:

Jun.

Jun folded the paper carefully. He didn’t want it to be crumpled. He didn’t want it to feel messy or chaotic. He put it in an envelope and sealed it. He held it in his hands, staring at it.

Part of him wanted to run to Thame’s house immediately.

Part of him wanted to hide it forever, afraid Thame wouldn’t accept him.

Jun took a deep breath. He had rehearsed this moment a thousand times in his head. Now it was real. And it would be Thame’s decision. It would be Thame who chose whether to take his hand… or leave it. Jun thought about Thame sitting alone in his room, maybe crying, maybe thinking, maybe missing him. He hated that he had made Thame feel that way, even for a second. But he also knew…

He couldn’t hide anymore.

He couldn’t stay silent.

Because the love he felt real, deep, undeniable was bigger than his fear. He placed the letter on his desk, straightened it, and whispered quietly to himself:

“Tomorrow. Tomorrow, I’ll give it to him. And whatever happens… I’ll accept it. I just want him to know the truth.”

Jun woke up slowly the next day. The sunlight spilled through the window, soft and quiet, but something felt… off. His phone was ringing. The name on the screen made his chest tighten. It was Thame’s mother. Jun picked up the phone quickly, voice still groggy from sleep.

“Hello?”

“Jun… it’s… it’s Thame,” her voice broke immediately. “He… he’s… he’s gone…”

The words didn’t make sense.

Jun blinked. “W-what?”

Thame’s mother started crying heavily. The sound on the phone made Jun’s stomach twist painfully.

“I-I just found him… he passed away in his sleep. I… I don’t know what happened, Jun. I… oh God…”

Jun could only sit there, frozen. His hands gripped the phone so tightly his fingers hurt.

“No… no, this… this can’t be…” he whispered. His voice shook.

“Jun… please… come…” Thame’s mother’s voice broke again. “Come… please come…”

Jun hung up the call without another word. The world around him felt unreal. He got up, hands trembling. He dressed quickly, barely thinking, barely breathing. He left his house and ran toward Thame’s house. The streets seemed empty, though people were moving past him. Jun couldn’t see them. Couldn’t hear them. All he could hear was the memory of Thame’s voice, Thame’s laughter, Thame’s soft whispers. And the confession. And the kiss. He remembered it all. And now… Thame was gone. Jun reached Thame’s house and rang the bell a lot of times . Thame’s mother opened the door and hugged him as soon as she saw him.

“Jun…” she cried, hugging him tight. Jun felt her trembling body against his chest.

“Where is he?” Jun asked, voice low and broken.

She led him to Thame’s room. Jun stopped at the doorway. The bed was still made neatly. The soft light from the window fell on it. And there he was. Thame lay there, peaceful, as if asleep. But he wasn’t. Jun’s eyes filled with tears immediately.

“No… no, no, no…” Jun whispered. His legs gave way. He fell to the floor beside the bed.

“Thame… wake up… please…” Jun reached out, shaking him lightly, his hands trembling. 

“Don’t do this… I… I have to tell you… I have to… I…”

Thame didn’t move. Jun’s hands shook as he held Thame’s face gently, caressing his hair, his cheeks, the soft skin he loved so much.

“I love you… I love you… I was going to tell you… I wrote a letter… I was going to… please don’t leave me… not like this…” Jun sobbed while whispering to Thame's ear , the words spilling uncontrollably.

“I… I don’t understand… why… how…?” Jun whispered. His head fell on  Thame's chest, tears soaking the tshirt.

Jun remembered the letter he had written. The letter meant to confess everything. He had rehearsed so carefully, so thoughtfully… and now… it didn’t matter. He pressed his forehead against Thame’s chest, hugging him tightly, as if he could pull him back from death with his arms alone.

“No… I’m sorry… I’m so sorry… I should have… I should have… I…”

The sobs shook him violently. Jun could barely breathe. Every inhale burned in his chest.

Thame’s skin was cold. Too cold. Jun pressed his face into Thame’s neck. His tears wet his hair and Thame’s pillow. He whispered every word he couldn’t say before.

“I love you… I love you… I’m yours… I’m yours… I… I’m so sorry… I couldn’t… I couldn’t tell you…”

He shook his head violently, not wanting to accept the reality. His whole body ached. His chest felt broken. His hands gripped Thame’s tshirt, his arms clinging as if holding on could bring him back.

“I… I wasn’t ready… I wasn’t ready… I wasn’t ready for this… I love you… I love you…” Jun whispered, clutching Thame to him.

“I should have told you sooner… I should have told you sooner… I love you… I love you…”

All he could feel was the loss.

The emptiness.

The silence where Thame’s voice should have been.

He held him for hours.

Hours that felt like days.

Jun whispered every word, every thought, every feeling he had never said.

“I’m yours… I wanted to tell you… I love you… I’m so sorry…”

His hands stroked Thame’s hair, his arms held him tight, trying to keep him alive in any way he could. And yet, no matter how much he held, it wasn’t enough. Jun broke completely.

The boy who had laughed so loudly, who had been chaotic, who had always been so full of life, now sobbed silently beside the only person he had ever truly loved. The room was quiet except for his broken breaths and the soft sounds of his sobs. 

Jun didn’t move. He didn’t eat. He didn’t notice anything. All he could feel was Thame.

Gone.

Forever.

The pain in his chest felt like it would never end. And as he held Thame one last time, he whispered again and again:

“I love you… I love you… I love you… I’m so sorry…”

The sunlight faded. The world moved on outside. But inside that room, time had stopped. And Jun’s heart… Jun’s heart had shattered into a thousand pieces.

Three years passed since Thame died. Time moved forward, even when Jun felt stuck in the same place. Jun finished his university degree alone. He sat in the classroom alone. He walked through the campus alone. He graduated alone. Every time Jun saw other students laughing with their friends, he felt a quiet pain in his chest. Thame should have been there. Sitting beside him. Making jokes. Annoying him. Smiling at him like everything was simple.

But Thame was gone.

Jun tried to live like a normal person. At first, he thought maybe time would heal him. People always said that.

“Time heals everything.”

Jun wanted to believe it. So he tried to move on.

He went on dates. He tried dating girls.

The first girl was kind. She smiled a lot. She talked a lot. Jun listened, nodded, smiled back. But his heart felt empty the whole time. When she laughed, Jun thought about Thame’s laugh instead.

The second girl was gentle. She cared about him. She held his hand once, and Jun froze. Not because he hated her. But because the touch felt wrong. It wasn’t Thame.

After the second date, Jun went home and sat alone in his room for a long time. That night, he finally understood.

He could never move on.

Not because he didn’t want to.

But because his heart already belonged to someone else.

Someone who was no longer alive.

After that, Jun gave up on dating.

He didn’t tell anyone clearly. He just stopped trying. Jun’s parents noticed, but they didn’t push him. They never forced him to meet someone new. They never asked, “Why don’t you date?” or “When will you marry?”

They just watched him quietly. They believed maybe one day Jun would fall in love with a good girl on his own.

But Jun knew the truth.

Deep down, he knew he could never love anyone the way he loved Thame.

That kind of love came only once.

Some nights were harder than others.

On quiet nights, when the world slept and the lights were off, Jun’s mind became loud. Memories came without asking.

Thame’s voice.

Thame’s smile.

Thame calling his name.

Sometimes Jun would sit on his bed and take out the letter. The letter. The same letter he never gave. The paper had become old now. The edges were soft from being touched so many times. Some words were slightly blurred from tears. Jun held it close to his chest.

Sometimes he reads it slowly.

Sometimes he just held it and cried.

“If I had given this to you,” Jun whispered one night, voice shaking, “even if you left the world the next day… at least you would have known.”

He squeezed the letter tighter.

“At least you would have known that I never hated you,” he said softly.

“That I loved you more than anything.”

His tears fell quietly onto the paper again. Jun hated himself sometimes.

Not because he loved Thame.

But because he waited.

He waited too long.

Some days, Jun went to places full of memories.

The park where they skipped class.

The bench where they sat and talked for hours.

The street where they laughed over nothing.

Jun walked slowly, hands in his pockets, eyes heavy with memories.

He could almost see Thame walking beside him.

Almost hear him complain.

Almost feel his presence.

But when Jun turned his head, there was no one. Just empty space. Jun smiled sadly.

“I’m here again,” he said quietly, like Thame could hear him.

“You always liked this place, remember?”

The wind moved softly. Leaves fell from trees.

Jun stood there for a long time before leaving.

Some nights, Jun dreamed about Thame. Those dreams felt too real. Thame was always smiling in them. Laughing. Looking happy and alive, just like before. In the dreams, Thame never looked sick. Never looked tired. He was always warm and full of life.

Every time Jun saw him in his dreams, his heart felt full and broken at the same time. And every time, every single time, Jun said the same words.

“I love you.”

He never failed to say it in the dream.

Not once.

Because he failed to say it in real life.

So in his dreams, he said it again and again.

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

Thame always smiled when he heard it. And when Jun woke up, his pillow was always wet with tears. Jun would stare at the ceiling, breathing slowly, holding the feeling of the dream as long as he could.

Even if it wasn’t real.

Even if it disappeared the moment he opened his eyes.

Jun knew one thing for sure.

He might move forward in life.

He might grow older.

He might smile, work, live.

But a part of his heart would always stay with Thame.

Forever.

And every night, whether awake or asleep, Jun still whispered the same words into the quiet darkness-

“I love you.”

Always.