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El was not stupid. No, not really. Sure, she still struggled with her handwriting and grammar, her reading comprehension still clunky and slow. Sure, Mike’s tutoring would help for a bit, but she was bad at school in general, forgetting to turn in assignments or still averaging C’s or D’s on tests despite trying.
She still was not studying as efficiently as someone like Lucas, who somehow mastered this skill even with his busy schedule. She still wasn’t naturally academically gifted like Mike, who never tried his fullest in school, always scrolled or played video games and still passed all his APs with A’s. She still wasn’t bookwormed like Dustin, who was one of the only people she knew could stay reading in a library overnight and come out with another full stack of books instead of frustration.
But El wasn’t stupid. She knows how to survive days in the woods alone, no supplies and no shoes and bruises and scratches and only her gown. She knows how to harvest the types of plants you can eat, purely from experience. She knows the methodology she grew up with: how to kill most efficiently and cleanly, where to aim, the correct tactics to use. From the scale of small squirrels to fully grown men. El was sharp. She picks up on her friend’s emotions and intentions. She knows from the slight twitch in Max’s brow. She knows from the way Dustin’s ever-present smile shifts. She knows from the tensing jaw of Lucas. She knows from the way Will’s eyes softly speak. Most damningly, she knows when someone’s hiding something.
And that’s something that someone like Mike Wheeler would never know.
It was in the months that Mike and El began to date. It was in their first kiss. It was in their love for one another, that El had begun to pick up the clues.
Mike Wheeler could be so truthfully dishonest, because it was always he who believed his lies the most.
–
Mike would kiss her but with the door 3 inches open. El would try to rest her hands somewhere, reaching out on his leg or on his face or on his hand. He would always redirect them. He would hold her wrists but never her hands. And his hands were always clammy and cold. She should’ve recognized the way he showed her off, the way he proved himself to others through her.
“Kid, you and Wheeler got close real fast, huh?” Hopper said to her one morning in that cabin, crackly TV running softly in the background. Joyce’s influence was beginning to show in his attempts at “heart to hearts”.
“Yes. He is my boyfriend,” the words still clunky in her mouth. El flushed as she remembered the clumsy kiss-confession, the one in the school.
“And…uh…you…you really like each other like that, huh?” He asked, albeit very awkwardly.
El thought on how to justify what she felt for him. “Yes. We do. He said so.”
Hopper sat down at their humble table, trying to put his flimsy and unstable thoughts into concrete words. He was trying to make some sort of point, evidently.
“Eleven. It’s just that… you’ve barely known the…outside world…at all. You’ve barely been free to explore or make friends. You haven’t…haven’t even gone to school yet. I guess what I’m tryin’ to say is.. If you don’t really want to…y’know…date him–”
El frowned. “I know what I want,” she said pettily.
Hopper’s irritation flared. Irritation mainly at himself. He always struggled to communicate things like this, it seemed. “That’s not what I’m saying, kid. I’m saying that you barely knew anything about yourself before you started kissing this boy.”
“I know myself!” El was like a kettle back then, steaming and steaming and steaming until it couldn’t help but release. She was allowed to nowadays, now that she was free. How dare he say that about El and Mike? Hopper didn’t know anything about their relationship.
Arguments like these were short-lived and forgotten quickly, but both sides were always passionate and feisty. El grew to stop lashing out once she realized she was being a brat about it.
–
She hadn’t picked up on Will until the movie night.
They were all 13 or 14. El was finally able to go to school, and it was August of 8th grade. El’s hair was still short and at her shoulders, but the curls were coming in. Hopper would learn how to style her short curly hair with cute little clips gifted to him by Joyce. El was growing more familiar with Will as their parents got closer. He was kind. El found a lot of comfort in Will, because he knew in a way what she went through to grow up. She was really glad she was able to find him and help the party get him back, because it wouldn’t be the same without him.
But people at school seemed to dislike Will. While not many dared to physically bully or attack him, she would overhear people calling him names behind his back. Zombie Boy was the most common but Gay was a close second. (Now that she thinks on it, Gay was sometimes used in the context of Mike being around to hear it.) Her only exposure to the word was in Hopper’s cabin watching vintage reruns of movies on Hopper’s old cable and dusty tiny box TV, and in the old-timey context it had only ever meant “happy” to her.
Streamed movies in Mike’s basement were different. The TV was huge and flat, and the entire party could fit relaxed on Mike’s couch. Dustin could make loud inane comments while snacking on popcorn, where Hopper’s TV was too quiet and easily drowned out. Lucas could slowly inch away from him, hand inching toward Max who was taking pictures of the others on her phone, and still have room on the couch. Mike was in the middle of Will and El, and he could sneakily put an arm around her. When she peeked over, he was intently focused on the love story they had all hunkered together for.
El honestly wouldn’t remember much of the movie or even what it is, because she liked to watch and observe her friends more at the time. It didn’t matter if Will was liked or not at school because at Hawkins Middle School, none of them were cool. They played outdated games like DnD or the DS, and they were total nerds about things like physics or whatever Sonic is or concepts that completely existed online (a world that El was not allowed into yet). But all of these things were so new to El. They were so cool to El. There was something so human about each and every one of them, something so genuine and passionate in each of their souls. And they treated her with the same fragility they extended to each other. It was so good to finally belong somewhere.
There was this one scene, of the two love interests bantering. The girl was this pretty and slim blonde with soft features and cool clothes, but the boy was a broad curly-haired smoking “bad boy” type of character. He almost reminded her of Mike if he was old and jerkier.
While Lucas and Dustin and even Max seemed to be more interested in the girl lead, Will was always enamored with the male lead; it was spoken in the glitter of his eyes and his brows would relax downwards.
And when she turned over to look at Mike, he seemed to have the same sort of curiosity towards the male lead, one that felt softer and easier to miss. El hadn’t missed it. But she wondered if it was possible to like multiple people at a time, if Mike liked both her and this male actor. The movies she had seen before would always overdramatize something like that being the case, but in reality it was different. She didn’t know the answer to that or how to react appropriately, and so she forgot quickly about it.
But if her new friend Will liked boys, it never mattered to El. Why would it? She did too, considering she had a boyfriend. It was a simple fact, like the sky is blue and the grass is green and Will likes boys.
–
It was the few months before they had left for Lenora, that El and Will were starting to hang out more frequently. Hopper had told them that it was unsafe here for the two, and that they should move away somewhere safe for a year so that everything could be “fully dealt with legally”. It meant El would have to go live with Joyce, Jon and Will in Lenora for a while. They were at the Byer’s small home, with Joyce and Hopper in the next room over.
“How’s it going with Mike? You guys are getting more serious, right?” Will asked curiously.
El paused, thinking of how to reply. “Yes. It is going good, I think. I love him. I feel happy when I’m around him. But Hopper does not seem to like him that much.”
Will laughed softly, a tint of recognition in his voice. “How come?”
“Well, the few times that Mike came over, we would kiss, and Hopper would get mad and tell us to keep the door open 3 inches.” Will’s face fell imperceptibly, and his face seemed to flush a bit. El couldn’t get much of a good read or understand what it meant at the time, because the expression seemed to dissolve quickly.
“And Hopper one time said he was a ‘little bitch’ under his breath.” A small but forced giggle came out of Will, eager to jump onto that topic.
“Well, I guess he can be. Do you even know what he means by that?” El didn’t want to drop the previous topic, but at the same time Will did. It was El’s glimpse at seeing a more vulnerable Will, one that didn’t force his laughs, one that didn’t try so hard to not burden everyone.
“No. But I’m sure it’s not a nice word.” El smiled.
“...How are you guys going to stay together through Lenora?”
“It won’t be a problem. We can send gifts to each other in the mail, right? Or call him, or text him.”
“I guess so.” Will said, pensive in his tone.
“What about you? Have you found anyone you want to kiss?” Will blinked at her question, surprised. No one talked about romance with Will because he often shut it down quickly. But El wanted to know, and that was enough for him.
Will seemed flustered. He was fighting internally, if he wanted to show vulnerability or if it was too risky. He seemed to decide on the former, because his tone was soft and secretive.
“No. I don’t know if I like anyone like that. I don’t plan on going on any dates.”
El understood, because there were plenty of girls who she saw liked him, and who would gladly talk to him and date him. But it didn’t matter because none of them were boys.
El wanted to reassure him. She thought about her words like usual, pulling her now long enough short hair into a small ponytail. “It’s okay, Will. I’m sure that you’ll get a chance to kiss someone soon.”
Will laughed. “Stop saying kiss, El.”
“How come? Is it not true?”
“Yeah, but there's more to dating than kissing. And it’s kind of odd to say kiss. And kissing is sorta supposed to be private.”
El hummed, a bit confused. “Is there a difference between kissing boys and dating boys?”
Will stared at El, an almost sad look on his face. He thought for a moment, downwards furrow in his brow. “Yeah. There is. People you want to kiss…I think there’s less to it. If–if you only want to kiss them. If you want to date someone, it comes with…this whole package. You feel so much for them. Like…you overflow with emotion. You feel warm. Your heart beats just a bit faster. You want to do stupid things with them. Like…like watching the sunset, or watching movies and talking the entire time, or going to Lover’s Lake and not even swimming in it, or…you get the point, right?”
El stared back at Will’s pink warm face. She never thought of it like that. Was that how it was supposed to be? Mike was comfortable. Mike was easy to be with and convenient. He was a fun friend and he was cute. She loved him. He was her boyfriend. And kissing was nice. It was sweet and soothing. It was uniquely human, and that was all El ever wanted to be treated like. But how was El supposed to know if what she felt was how everyone else felt? How can she know what warmth is supposed to feel like if she grew up cold?
“I always thought that…the difference of a boyfriend is like a friend that you kiss.” El murmured.
Will looked at her with a bit of sadness. His mouth moved but he paused, seemingly unknowing of what to say. “Everyone experiences love differently. Maybe… that's how you experience it.”
“How do you know how it feels? There are boys you want to date?” El pushed a bit further, wanting to know more.
But Will froze, his entire body tensing up and his face too. Will almost seemed to be panicked. Something El said was deeply wrong, and she backtracked on her words attempting to find it.
“Did I say something wrong?” El asked, a bit panicked herself.
“No, it’s–it’s just, uh, you mean girls, right?”
“No, I meant boys. You like boys, right?” El tried to look Will in the eyes as she said this, because they were always honest. But he shied away and stared at the door paranoid, breaking her spell of concentration.
There was a hesitant pause that only made it more clear.
“I–...El…how did you…? From school?” Will clenched his fists tightly and his palms were turning white. His eyes darted back onto his legs but back towards the door like someone would break it down simply for admitting it. El placed a hand over the tense fist reassuringly, not really understanding why he was so tense. “El…boys aren’t supposed to…to like other boys.” His voice quieted, almost like it was an unspeakable fact.
“Why not? If I can like boys, you can too. I do not think there’s anything wrong with it.” She matched his volume so that Hopper and Joyce wouldn’t hear if they walked by. “Before I was your friend, Kali was friends with boys who loved boys, and girls who loved girls. Some of them even used different words for themselves. And I think Max likes girls sometimes, and I think Mike might also–”
“Stop. El, stop.” He spoke with a creaky firmness, interrupting her before she could continue what she had observed. “You shouldn’t–you can’t talk about... this so freely. People don’t like it. And you can’t out people. It’s…it’s wrong to a lot of people. Specifically here. In Hawkins. Maybe in Chicago where Kali lives, it’s okay. But it’s not okay here. It’s not right.”
But why? She couldn’t figure it out. Will deserved happiness. “That’s sad.” El spoke simply but emphatically, crouching even more down to look into his teary eyes. Her hand stayed over his. “It’s just love, isn’t it?”
Will stared at her, with a look she couldn’t read fully this time. But he hugged her deeply.
“You’re right, El. I do like boys. Like… in that way. I do.” He started to cry into the hug, and she held him tighter than before.
“I do too.” She smiled, and he laughed for real this time.
They stayed there for a few minutes. When he pulled away, he spoke again with a private tone. “You can’t tell anyone, El. I’m not ready to talk about it with anyone. And you probably– shouldn’t push other people for information on who they like.”
“Okay. I understand, I think.”
“...But, uh…how did you know?” A stiffness still lived in his voice, one that El wished she could smooth out. But she didn’t know how, so she was honest.
“Remember the movie nights? That one old love movie. The one with the blonde and the bad boy–,”
“10 Things I Hate About You?”
“–Yes, I think. And Dustin wouldn’t stop talking about the girl. Everyone was looking at the blonde but I saw you looking at the boy.”
Will laughed suddenly and freely, open and wide, relief imminent in his voice. “It’s called a rom-com. And that movie’s not that old. But yeah,” Will said in between giggles. “I was.”
El began to laugh too, and Will once again joined in, the stiffness gone.
–
It was the day they were leaving. The entire party was over to help them pack, and the last day she would ever see any of them. The last day she would ever see Lucas and Max making fun of Dustin’s Discord girlfriend. Or Mike. At least for a while. It was bittersweet, because she was still feeling warm as she remembered what Mike had said a few days back, when he thought she couldn’t hear. The first “I love you” that she had ever gotten from him. But she had only realized she felt this warmth the moment they were leaving. It was a shame, because they had no more time together.
If she had paid attention to anybody else at that moment, to Will or Mike, she would’ve seen them in the living room. El missed the look that they shared. The way Will flustered when Mike stopped him, asking about the outdated DND board, or the way Mike’s eyes lit up when Will told him it was impossible to join another party in Lenora, and how no one still played DND and so it was special to keep it here. The inherent promise to come back to Hawkins, to him. The way Mike’s small smile didn’t match the depth of what his eyes said.
Because it was that moment that El had finally understood what Will had meant when he said love meant warmth. Loving someone was warm, almost uncomfortably. The way that Mike reached up into the closet to bring the teddy bear down for her warmed her heart. The way Mike promised to call her everyday.
“But I was thinking Christmas Day would be super fun because we’d all have new presents to play with and uh…sorry. That made me sound like a 7 year old.” Mike said, with an awkward tone in his voice.
“I like presents, too.” El said, face flushed with warmth. She gripped Will’s teddy bear harder.
“Yeah. Cool. Yeah, I like– I like presents, too.”
“Cool.” El said.
He didn’t return it, like how he would with Will.
“Mike…do you remember, that day at the cabin, you were talking with Mike?” El asked.
Mike’s face was always stoic and harder for El to read. Whatever emotions he felt he would almost always pack it away and dismiss, and she was not yet good at multitasking.
“Oh yeah. We were arguing. It was heat of the moment stuff. I don’t…I don’t really remember…what did I say exactly?”
“Mike…” El said, walking closer to him and putting his hand on his face. His face was cold from the recent wave of chill outside, despite the fact summer was supposed to be rolling in still. “I love you too.”
She said it easily.
Maybe she didn’t see it at first, because she was so focused on herself and the tight embrace of warmth around her heart. But his face was frozen with a look of panic as she pulled her hand into his dark curly hair, as she pulled him in closer and kissed him, as she still gripped onto Will’s teddy bear between them. She would’ve known that Mike hadn’t continued the movements of her kiss if she wasn’t so focused on the warmth that radiated through her entire being. She would’ve known if she hadn’t closed her eyes, but he’d left his eyes wide open the entire time.
And she most definitely wouldn’t have known how those eyes glinted with a slowly earned realization, and how when she was gone for good, Mike couldn’t help but run back home to his mom and mourn what he had with El. With Will. Before he knew.
–
El wasn’t allowed to have a real phone from Hopper in Lenora (and she complained about it in every one of their calls), and so when she lived with Joyce and Will and Jonathan, she was behind her peers. She had to depend on Will to talk to and text Mike. But Will almost never texted Mike anymore, handing the phone over to El whenever the notification popped up.
Mike: hey
Mike: how u been
Will (El): Hi mike ❤❤ im doing good how are you doing?
Mike: el cn u pas the phone 2 will
At this, she showed Will, but he dismissed it quickly, telling her to keep texting him.
Will (El): Sorey he said hes busy 🙁
Mike: cool
Mike: i gtg anyway
Will (El): Ok love you 🙂
Mike liked a message.
So Mike was a really “dry” texter (Max taught her that word). But any text from Mike sent her giddy.
But it was there in Lenora, El realized as she stared into her mirror, noticed her clothes she didn’t even like. And her style she didn’t like. And the way she grew into her stubby nose and her lips filled out. And how the spikiness and constant chill of the buzz cut had now flowed into soft brown uneven waves, ones that were too hot and sticky in the summer and too dry and feathery in the winter.
As much as she saw of her friend’s emotions and feelings, she never figured out how to interpret her own. She was still 12 and in a cult and didn’t have a Hopper, but had a Papa.
She couldn’t remember what she felt about that rom-com, about which love interest had interested her more. She couldn’t remember what she was thinking when Mike confessed to her and kissed her. Was she happy because she truly felt an attraction for Mike? Was she happy because Mike simply wanted her, and that was enough? Was she happy because Mike’s eyes seemed to gleam with a purpose in that moment, like he had found something easy to devote himself to? Was happiness and romance intertwined, like all those old movies had shown? It had to be. She didn’t know a happy life outside of it, because they were intrinsically linked back to one another.
Mike represented freedom to her, she realized.
It was there in that mirror that El brought the scissors to her dejected hair, the pieces that would not stop flopping into her face. She cut choppy short bangs into them, watching as the hair fell slowly into the sink. Will giggled when he saw her with them, brushed the stray hairs off of her face, then used his steady artist hands to even them out.
–
When Mike came to visit during spring break, all she wanted was for Mike to know she was okay. That she loved him. That she could be free without him.
There was a newly faceted persona to Mike. The one that leaned into loving El and devoting to her, the one that wore her favorite colors in his shirts and brought her favorite flowers yet still somehow added too much yellow to them. The one that started to post her almost obsessively on social media despite the fact she didn’t even own a phone, taking stupid pictures of her with dumb, meaningless filters. The one that kissed her like it meant something to him, and the familiar warmth crept back into her heart.
But it was the persona that backed away from hugging Will, the one that hugged Will like he meant nothing. The one that didn’t even try to text or call Will anymore, because Will would always redirect him back to El. Like he wasn’t best friends with Will, and like he hadn’t noticed every little thing Will did that day.
El saw Mike’s every glance over to Will that day.
El did not miss the heartbroken look on Will’s face, the way Will’s eyes retreated and his smile wavered and his body slowly closed in on itself under the thrifted shirt he wore. Even if it was just for a moment before he noticed El was watching.
El did not miss the way Mike’s eyes were distant, like a layer of himself was pushed down under the shiny clothes. El did not miss the way Mike asked about the painting Will was holding, the one she mentioned to him possibly being for a crush. El did not miss the way Mike then defensively said “Cool,” and did not ask any further, even though he’s usually the first vulture to pry into his friend’s love lives.
El ignored all of it. Ignored the distracting death grip on her heart, the one that tightened her chest and broke her into stressed pieces and tugged on her innards more and more.
El just wanted to have a day with her boyfriend and her brother. El wanted Mike to know she was okay in California without him.
When they had gotten home from the disastrous Rink-o-Mania that day with Argyle and Jonathan acting “off” in the front seat, all of them sitting down for dinner with Murray for whatever reason, she realized the whole day Mike had not exuded any warmth at all.
–
Sure, spring break was awkward but could be disguised. And Mike was fine. Fine once they all arrived home, once Will and El had returned back to Hawkins in the summer. He seemed to like her consistently cut baby bangs and her new clothes and shiny colorful jewelry and her little dabbles into makeup. Whenever she asked him, he would compliment her on those things. He seemed to like pressing his forehead to hers comfortingly. And she did not feel the warmth again, but she enjoyed being around him.
It was amazing to see everyone again. She had missed Hopper so much, not that she would say it straight to his face. The way everyone grew so much in only a short year. See Dustin, who had embraced his weird side fully and still somehow became a bit popular. Found 2 role models, both somehow completely opposite from one another. Lucas, who had begun growing his locs and working out and was starting to sport impressive muscles. Max had somehow become way cooler over the year with her baggy clothes and skateboard tricks, her first and probably only girl best friend. She missed her so much.
But Mike and Will’s friendship, while much easier than it was in Lenora, was still a tad awkward and full of stilted tension.
And truthfully? El was angry. El was so angry with Mike. Mike who had grown into his cheekbones and the way his lanky frame began to fill out. Mike who finally stopped wearing tacky clothes and began to lean more into a simpler look.
Yet Mike hadn’t given up on the persona with the shiny new clothes and the excessive phone usage. He hadn’t given up on the forced “I love you”s, the one that only came out with a pep talk from Will.
It was nice to be wanted but it was worse to be necessary, a crutch. Mike and El were safe. They were comfortable.
But El never missed Mike’s glances at Will.
It was when Mike began to try harder, to turn it into something it could never be, to initiate more often and pull her into kisses. And he would tell her this, truth glinting in his eyes. She believed it every time. Mike longed for something more intimate and deeper with her but could never ever commit.
It didn’t feel like he was reaching towards her. No, he was grasping onto El like a lifeline.
Their kisses started out simple but when she pulled in for a deeper press, something more intimate, tried to tilt her head just the right way and lift her warm hands into his soft hair, he would freeze up and pull away.
He would brush it off, saying he hadn’t felt like it at the moment or that they didn’t have time in their busy lives for anything longer than a peck. But she’d seen him already. It was so frustrating to her how he could not see himself.
It was the stupidest part that in all of his flowery apologetic speeches to her, he was so genuine not because it was the truth but because of how much he believed in his own bullshit.
And Eleven did not know exactly what she was feeling in the past, because the past was the past. A year or two ago still slipped through her fingers. But what she was feeling now could no longer be a warm innocent love, because it was hard to feel anything but an all-consuming burning anger.
And she wondered how long she knew. And she wondered if this was what she had felt all along. And she wanted to pull her curls out so badly. And she wanted to destroy like she did when she was 12. And she just needed someone who wanted her, but could only find someone who wanted to want her. And it wasn’t fair because El had eyes. She had eyes. The way that Mike looked at Will. The way that Will looked at Mike. The way they were so perfectly off-sync now, that they could only look at each other when the other wasn’t. It wasn’t fair because El had realized something only once she got back to Hawkins, and Hawkins and Mike were supposed to be safe and comfortable.
“You like Mike, don’t you?” El asked unforgivingly to Will one night, barging into him and Jon’s room tempestuously once Jonathan was gone for his date with Nancy.
Will spun around in his swivel chair toward her where he had previously been painting peacefully, clearly startled and messing up his carefully placed stroke. El’s whole body shook with angry guilt, because it’s her fault and not his and she just needed to forget that fact for a moment. Will was just the innocent deer-in-headlights, and she was about to run him over and she couldn’t stop it.
“What? El, what do you mean? I’ve told you, don’t pry into other people’s problems–” Will tried, off put by the energy she brought into the room and sucked out of the room. Soft music was playing in the background, uncharacteristic for Will’s often bold and borderline gothic songs. She knew this song. It was probably his painting playlist, the one that he put little cat emojis next to in the title.
“I thought it was a bird but it was just a paper bag…”
“No. Will, you like Mike, don’t you?” El snapped.
Will was petrified, disturbance in his eyes at the unspoken truth she yanked. Years of protection and she pulled the thread she so clearly ignored, and it unraveled. He had never seen her like this. He had never seen her true side, the ugly side, the one that yelled at others and took her issues out on them and killed them. And she was going to ruin the vision he had of her, just because she was so selfish and it didn’t matter in the moment.
It was so frustrating how she had gone and grown up, how she was so unrecognizable from that little 12 year old in the woods. And yet she still had to sit there and be the exact same girl from back then. It made her feel stupid. She could never just speak. Because when she spoke in times like these, it never came out just right, and she would never be able to just say what she meant.
“...Hunger hurts…and I want him, so bad…”
“You do. You do. And it’s not fair, because I don’t think Mike will ever look at me the way he does with you.” The tears in her eyes escaped finally, and once the first tear dropped more and more and more came with it.
“El…what–” Will was growing increasingly stressed, face worrying and twitching, and his body was going into itself protectively. He reached out reassuringly, but El watched in horror as she batted away his hand harshly.
“You like him. I know. I’ve seen. I’ve seen so much. I feel that warmth coming from you whenever you’re with him. I know. I know!”
“El, don’t you get it?!” Will finally snapped as he stood from his chair, like she was goading him out to do. The nauseating guilt was addicting, and she couldn’t stop prying and prying and prying into Will until he could feel the way she did. Only so she wasn’t alone. She hated herself for it.
“I was never going to tell you. I was never ready. I was barely ever ready to tell you I liked guys all those years back. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to.” Will took a moment, breaths speeding up. “I didn’t choose to love Mike, to make it so complicated for you!” He breathed, the truth finally out and heavy in the room. Tears ran down her brother’s cheeks and his eyes were so innocent and she hated it.
“You can’t choose love, El. I wasn’t ever going to pursue him. I never chose to like stupid Mike Wheeler. And he can’t like me. He doesn’t. You can’t rub it into my face. In every lifetime he would never even dream of liking me back. We both know it. He’s in love with you, remember?”
El let out a sob at that, clutching the hair falling over her shoulder because it wasn’t true.
Will was almost yelling at this point, eyes rimming with red, voice shaky. Something El had never seen from him. And Will was blatantly wrong, but all she could think about was the fact that she did this, remember? She pulled this out of her brother when he wasn’t ready. She forced him.
“Wouldn’t put his lips to mine, and a fail to kiss is a fail to cope…”
“...He couldn’t anyway. You don’t get it. He really couldn’t.”
But the thing about Mike that troubled El so much is that he did.
“Mike’s not stupid,” El lied straight through her teeth, clutching onto an inane comment he said. She still felt the urge to protect and defend Mike, but she forgot about protecting her own brother. Her brother. Her voice breaking finally, the disgust of her actions finally catching up to her fully. She felt sick.
“Then you don’t get it, El. You don’t.” Will’s voice was raised and blotchy and angry, a scar that just wouldn’t heal right. He stormed out and angry footsteps ran outside, something completely un-Will-like and something completely disturbing.
The music was still softly playing from the speaker, slowly disconnecting as Will’s phone left the proximity.
“...Cause I know I’m a mess he don’t wanna clean up…”
El needed to apologize. El needed to run. El needed to do something. But she didn’t. She sat there on the blue blanket on his bed, the one that faintly smelled like Will, and wept, tears dribbling down her face for however long it was before she couldn’t anymore. The salt burned her eyes but she deserved it.
“Kid…” Hopper spoke softly, letting himself into the room. El sat there in the same position Will had left her in, tears paused and eyes puffy and red. Hopper sat down next to her and hugged her firmly with no hesitation. Impossibly, more tears made its way down her face, and she could do no more than accept the hug she didn’t deserve. The same man who called her a brat and saw her when she reacted with violence and anger before anything was the one who was now full-heartedly accepting her for those same traits. She didn't feel deserving. But, honestly, she wasn't alone and that's what mattered.
When she finally stepped out of Will's room with Hopper, guilt bit at her as Joyce smiled softly. But Joyce made no comment, simply passing her a plate of warm food and a glass of water.
–
El was pacing around, nervous and unsure. She had just gotten home from Max’s. The confidence and pep talk El was given by Max after school was gone as soon as she entered the woodsy walls of the Cabin, her schoolbag on the floor and her hair a bit of a mess. She hadn’t yet thought of what to say to Will. And she didn’t know what to say to Mike.
So it was then and there that Will and Mike decided to walk back in from the backyard, and Will froze and met her eyes with a bit of nervous intensity. Mike was dressed in his simple blue t-shirt, with his ugly dark cargo shorts that somehow still reached past his knees despite how tall he was, and his chunky sneakers were still muddy and tracking dirt in. She felt relief all of a sudden, panic leaving her body.
When Will walked back out for a moment, she worried somewhat irrationally that he would bolt. But he came back just as fast as he left, and he walked towards El with a sense of panic. She wondered if he picked up on her frantic energy.
“El, are you oka–”
She pulled him aside for a moment.
“Will. Will, I need to do this, okay? I need to do this right now.” El pleaded, urgency in her voice.
“El, what is it? El??” Will walked back with her to collect Mike.
“Hi, El,” oblivious Mike said.
“Mike. Mike, we need to talk.”
“Uh, wait, El, maybe right now is not a good time–” Will attempts to cut in, maybe hoping Mike would join in to escape her, or maybe he was afraid she would say something she knew was supposed to be private.
“No.” El’s voice is firm, cutting Will off.
“I think I need to do this now. I’m sorry. Mike, please come with me.”
–
They hadn’t spoken about the incident since it happened a week ago. It was tense. She knew Will would always be seconds away from apologizing, but would always back away at the last second. El was glad that he didn’t give in, because she knew she should be the one to apologize. She just didn’t know how. But she could try at least.
It began with breaking up with Mike. They had strung each other along for too long. And although Mike was acting weirdly off-pace that day, honestly when was he not slow to realize things?
Will had gotten home late that night, car honking to announce its arrival. After going out with Mike to Benny’s Burgers down the street, he came back with a sort of flustered expression on his face. El, like always, could read him familiarly like an open book, even after a week of near-silence.
“Will,” El greeted, voice a bit tense. She was holding a tray of cookies, one she had baked right before Will got back home.
“El,” Will replied, rebounding the energy.
There was a surprised pause. She breathed in and handed him the tray.
“These are for you...I...I don’t know how to do this too well, Will. But," she paused, thinking on her words. "I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through in the past.” When you disappeared, was an unspoken acknowledgement. She looked back up at him, and his face was soft and already forgiving and she was wholly undeserving of that unconditional acceptance from him.
“And I just want to say, I think I’m getting over Mike. And it might hurt for now, but I’ve been, and I accept it now. Maybe since spring break. Today, we broke up for good. There wasn’t any warmth left.” There was shock in Will’s eyes at how she had remembered such a small comment, and maybe of her realization.
“We were never…meant for one another in that way. He needs to accept that, because I already have. If you want to date him, you should. I’m sorry I took my anger out on you unfairly. And I avoided you for a week. I’m sorry for prying about your sexuality and not being aware. I’m sorry for not recognizing myself and how I felt. I’m sorry for not protecting you the way I should’ve. I’m sorry for seeing you in pain, and ignoring it. And causing more pain. And it was my fault that I blew up–”
Will had put down the tray while she was rambling, and he cut her off with a huge hug, one that unleashed the flood from the last few days.
“El, I love you, you know?” It came out from his mouth easily and almost lightly. “You’re my sister. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you, and even if we sorta blew up at each other, we’re in this together. I think we were both frustrated at the time. But I want you to know that it’s not completely your fault. You didn’t affect the way things went when I…disappeared. You saved me, remember?” El’s mascara was definitely running by now.
“And I don’t need to get with Mike. I don't need Mike to be happy, just like how you didn’t need Mike to find happiness, either. We’re just friends. I can get over him.”
El let out a small giggle because she knew his love was different. She knew their experiences with Mike and with romance would never be the same, and she was fine with it. Will had known him since he was 6, and there would always be a part of him that loved Mike Wheeler. Will shouldn’t minimize himself.
“But I don’t want you to. I want you to try, Will. I didn’t know how to break up with someone, and here I am, dumping Mike’s ass for the second time.” El said.
Will laughed freely, eyes sweet and forgiving like they always seemed to be. Even when maybe he should hold it against them for longer.
“...Mike’s really stupid, isn’t he?” El asked Will, a knowing smile on her face.
Will only grinned at her, recognition easy and comfortable, the warmth peeking out of his voice as he said, “Yeah, he is.”