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“I studied all night…” the thought whispered in Kaido’s mind as he stared at the leaderboard. The weeks of tutoring and studying he was forced to do were all down the drain, as he ranked 80th in the finals ranking.
Next to him was Hairo, looking surprised at his 3rd ranking overall, mentioning that he hadn’t studied at all. A sense of jealousy and dread went through him before he decided to suppress his thoughts, joining the conversation. He could feel Saiki’s glance for a second before deciding to ignore it.
He dragged his feet down the road as he imagined the reaction from his mother when he handed over his scores for his final. She had always looked at him with the same disappointment, telling him to do better in his next exam.
“I-I’m sorry—“ he apologised as the weight of her stare burdened his shoulders. “I’ll do better—“
“You better.” Her voice immediately interrupted him; his paper landed roughly on his head as she walked off.
He headed to his room in a daze; the only question went through his mind.
What’s the point of trying?
He buried himself under the comfort of his blanket.
Why are you always disappointed?
Why
Why
WHY?
Why can’t I do better?
Why?
Thoughts spiralled through his head, and the disappointment and self-hatred coursed through him. He curled up under the blanket, trying hard not to burst out crying. After all, his sister wouldn’t be happy if she was disturbed by his crying.
Why can’t I be like Hairo?
A whisper of jealousy in his ear, and immediately the guilt and shame pull him out of it.
How could I think about a friend like that?
He broke through the dark whispers, pushing everything down just like he always did. All he needs to do is try harder; after all, hard work always pays off. The next day he woke up, more motivated than ever, as he decided he would give his all in the next exam.
Oh.
Was his only thought as he saw the rank 82nd on the board. His friends hyped him up while he could only smile warily in return. He wasn’t even disappointed anymore; deep down he knew there was only so much he could do.
“Don’t worry, guys, I’ll definitely leave the eighties in the next exam!” He announced, with Hairo and Aren cheering next to him.
The confrontation with his mother went as usual: a disappointed gaze and the paper thrown back to his face. He could only apologise and head back to his room, once again burying himself in the comfort of his blanket.
Why?
Why
I tried so hard.
Why
Why
Why
Why
Why?
I’m a failure. That’s why
Like clockwork, he buried his thoughts, thinking that all he needs to do is try harder. After all, hard work will pay off. Wouldn’t it?
By the time they moved onto the next year, he had realised.
Hard work never pays off.
He stared blankly at his pile of workbooks, questioning every effort he’d put into all the studying. As he put his pen down, all his resolve had crumbled.
There’s no point in studying if I’m going to keep going lower.
All the effort he puts into school all crumbles down as he spends his days pretending to study and hanging out with his friends.
“What’s with you these days? Isn’t your mom strict about studying? Your rank seems to get lower and lower.” A question rang through the lunch table as he felt four pairs of eyes on him.
“Oh, I guess the contents just don’t go through my head,” he brushed off, waving his hand in the air. “I’ll do better on the next exam.” He lied through his teeth; after all, he knew he’s not getting any higher.
He could only scoff in his mind as Hairo went on a rant about putting in the effort.
I’m the prime example of how hard work doesn’t pay off.
A loud slap echoed through the living room, the pain registering in his cheek.
“How could you rank lower than 30th?!” His mother asked furiously, “I know you’re always on the stupid side, but never before had I seen something as bad as this!” She rumbled on angrily.
He kept his head down, fidgeting with his fingers as her words went through him. He could only lie to himself that it doesn’t sting at all. Her words had always been painful to him; he had been chasing for her praise, but every time it ended with her disappointment.
Once again he buried himself under the comfort of his blanket, his thoughts spiralling.
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry I can’t do better.
I’m sorry I’m stupid
I’m sorry I can’t make you proud—
His thoughts cut off as he passed out on the pillow, dampened by his silent tears.
The cycle went on a few more times as he found himself staring at the leaderboard again. The last exam for his high school went by quickly; he had expected the same lower ranking, and he got it. The same slap through his cheek and the same feeling as he buried himself under his blanket.
He stared at his desk in a daze; the pain from the slap no longer registered in his mind. His box cutter sat on his desk innocently as he reached his hand out to pick it up. He swore he could see a flash of pink by his window.
It probably wouldn’t hurt, right?