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“You okay?”
He asks the silence but he knows the answer already. He also knows the answer he's going to be given.
A stiff nod is all he's offered and that in itself is enough to say a lot about his friend's current mental state. It's dark, the fox hole covered with a tarp, but his eyes are adjusted enough to see his friends form.
“Well at least now I won't have to share my Vat.”
The joke falls flat which he expected, but he doesn't get a response at all. Not even s glare.
Dick had handled things well up until now. He always did. In the heat of the moment Dick had applied proper pressure, called for the right person, and kept Roe focused. Then he'd sent Roe to town. Told him to stay and get food. He'd taken no time to stop. No time to think. Nix's head was still spinning but Dick had already started his rounds. Checking in. Being present. And he'd remained that way, right up until the moment he'd climbed into the fox hole.
Nix was fine with Welsh. He didn't dislike the guy or anything. He could even consider the man a friend. And yeah, what he'd seen today had spooked him. But Dick and Harry were real close. They had been roommates. Welsh was the only other guy Dick really even talked to. He’d be lying if he said his blood didn't boil a bit every time Dick showed the man attention. Sure they were close, they’d known each other for awhile. But Lewis Nixon had laid his claim on Richard Winter’s and he was going to be damned if anyone took that away from him.
But still. He was Dick’s friend and so he was suffering. And the idiot didn’t even have alcohol to ease the pain.
Dick Winters doesn't break. It's one of the laws of constants in life. It doesn't matter what you throw at him, at the end of the day Dick will be fine. Because he doesn't know how not to be.
That's why on the rare occasion that Dick is close to breaking, Nixon isn't sure just what to do.
“Do you want a drink?” He offers, already knowing the answer.
Dick shakes his head but he thinks he might see the crack of a smile.
It's something.
Silence stretches on and they should be asleep. They need to sleep. And yet he can feel Dick awake beside him and just the thought of his suffering keeps Lew awake too.
He's not sure how much time has passed when the words slip out “Its not your fault.”
Dick's head snaps to him so quickly it seems odd it doesn't make an audible crack.
“What?”
“What happened today. Any of this. It's not your fault.”
Dick peers at him for a second before relaxing back and staring straight ahead. “I knew better than to have a fire. Should have stopped it as soon as I saw it.”
Maybe so. But Dick hadn't been the one to light it and the offer of warmth is hard to pass up in this frozen wasteland. Especially since Captain “I’m fine” Winter’s was definitely sporting a cold at the very least. The sniffles were a constant companion. It was grating on Lew’s nerves and yet he couldn’t bring himself to care.
Verbalizing his self deprecation was cause for concern as well. If asked, Nix would blame this entire conversation on dimming spirits and freezing bodies and maybe the light touch of Dick’s fever.
He wished he could do more. That he could get the the men some proper food, that he could get the far too stubborn Dick Winters to eat first instead of last. That he could find a way to keep them warm. That Dick would accept more of the perks of his rank.
“Harry will be fine. He won't leave Kitty for anything, even death couldn't make him unfaithful”
“They're the ones who die first.”.
“What?”
“The ones who have someone to go back to. They're the first to die. Have too much on their mind. They won't stay here because their head is everywhere else. They're afraid to die because they don't want to leave behind their wife or their kids or their girl, whoever it is.”
“You're still here.”
“I don't have anyone waiting on me “
“Deetta?”
The rustling of a shrug.
“What about me?”
“What about you “
“I have a wife.”
A snort. “Yeah and a girl.”
“Exactly, and I'm still here.”
“You're the exception.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because you don't actual love her.”
Nixon blinks in the darkness. “What's that supposed to mean?”
“There's no love between the two of you. The only reason you're still together is because you have a child.” It’s so blunt and astute that Lew truly isn’t sure what to say.
“So I won’t die because I don’t love her?”
“That’s how I see it.” It’s a bit grumbly, definitely feverish.
The funny thing is that he’s not so sure he’s wrong. The difference is, it’s not the lack of love that changes things, but the placement.
Lew can’t die because the person next to him is the most important to him in the whole entire world. If Dick Winters went down today then Lewis Nixon wouldn’t be too far behind. He didn’t have anyone back home to think on. Not really. He didn’t need to look back across the ocean to have someone to fight for, he just had to look forward at the man who was leading him. He has no reason to go back and every reason to stay.
A sneeze snaps him out of his reverie. “You should really see of Roe has anything for that.”
“For what?” A sniffle undermines the sentiment. “I’m fine.”
“It’s just going to get worse if you let it.”
“Everyone’s sick, Nix. Doc Roe has enough on his hands as is.”
Yeah, like the blood of their friends and what seems to be pretty close to a psychotic break.
“Here,” He tries again, handing over his flask. “It’ll be good for you.”
“You can drink some for the both of us. ‘Sides, don’t want to get you sick.”
“Oh so you admit it.”
There’s a light grumble as an answer, trapped in his own admission. There’s that pull in Lew’s heart again. The one that wants to fix this, that wants to make everything better.
The foxhole is small, but in this moment he wishes that it were smaller. He doesn’t think Dick is fully asleep, but he’s definitely not fully lucid either. Nix takes his chance, pressing in tighter against the man.
A light hum of content surprises him coming from Dick. Even more the way he leans back into Lew’s hold.
It’s not much, he wishes he could do more, needs to do more. But for now, he'll hold his reason for staying and hope it’s enough for both of them.