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English
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Published:
2013-04-20
Updated:
2013-07-09
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3,891
Chapters:
6/?
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The Dangerousness of Hobbits

Summary:

Bilbo gets tired of rude, messy dwarrows invading his home. Dwarrows who make fun of him and clean out his larder without even a 'please' or a 'thank you'. When he hears the youngest of the group whispering amongst themselves about Old Hobbit Tales, he plots a little revenge for all the trouble they've put him through. Gandalf... Gandalf just thinks it's funny.

Chapter 1: The Beginning

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

 

In Bree -- Three Nights Before the Company meets Bilbo

++In The Prancing Pony++

Spread out across the tavern, the group of dwarrows were biding their time. It was nightfall, so they couldn't really go any farther, but it wasn't yet time to sleep, either.

The youngest of the group, Ori, was sitting beside his brother Nori. Nori was gambling with a bunch of Rangers, while Ori listened to the tales that were being told.

Tales of Hobbits.

They were going to meet a hobbit in the Shire, to ask him to be their Burgler, so Ori listened with all his might.

One Ranger smiled. "Hobbits don't have problems with bandits, much. We do what we can to keep the bandits away, though sometimes one or two will get by us."

Ori nodded, he knew that it was impossible to keep watch all the time. "What happens when a bandit gets to the Shire?"

Another Ranger piped up. "They don't come back."

Ori looked at the second Ranger, then back to the first. "What does he mean?"

"They disappear, never to be seen again." The first Ranger replies.

Ori looks between the Rangers, a bit mystified.

The second Ranger leaned closer and gave out an evil-looking smile. "Hobbits love fresh meat."

Nori swatted the table lightly, getting the attention of the Rangers and Ori. Nori was scowling lightly, making him look like a scolding parent. "Enough. Don't give him nightmares over Old Hobbit Tales."

Ori gulped a little as Nori and the Rangers went back to gambling.

All Tales started from a grain of truth, after all.

 After Nori wandered off to gamble with another group, Ori was joined by Fíli and Kíli. The three listened well into the night about Old Hobbit Tales. Hearing stories about hobbits and what 'a friend of a friend' saw...

Each tale of the hobbits of the Shire was more gruesome than the last. Tales of people going missing, blood trails, dismembered body parts, screams in the night, and Fresh Meat.

The next morning, the group set out after provisioning themselves. It would be three days until they got to the Shire proper to meet with Gandalf and the hobbit.

Notes:

The Prompt from The Hobbit Kink Meme:

You know in the troll sequence, where Bilbo has to stall quickly and the first thing he thinks of, for perfectly understandable reasons, is to debate the proper way to cook a dwarf? And you know how hobbits are small little things, and they don't much like Big Folk, and they often try to trick or talk their way out of trouble? And you know how they love food and are often thinking about it at most moments?

What if the whole 'pretending to know how to cook and eat larger beings' thing is actually standard hobbit practice for getting out of tough spots? Hobbits have been using that old gaff for centuries. "Oh, we haven't had a spot of dwarf for fifty years!" Or "What happened to the last bandit, Ma? Oh, that's right, them bastard Tooks got 'im. Full meal for three hobbits on that, and wasted on a bunch of Tooks." Or "Oh, you don't want to be going into the Shire. Not the deep Shire, anyway. We're all right enough out here, but in there ... Well. They follow the old ways, if you follow me. And they'll have finished off the last group by now. Down to marrowbone soup and the odd bit of blood pudding, I expect."

A few centuries on, and the hobbits have garnered a reputation for being ... not cannibals, since they're all different species, but you get the drift. It's that, as much as resting between elves and men, that keeps the Shire safe and free and separate. You don't want to go in there, because the little hairy-footed bastards look friendly now, but wait until dark falls, my lad, and see if you don't end up in the Gaffer's soup pot.

Just ... Imagine walking through the friendly, idyllic Shire. The rolling hills, the neat little gardens, the round, cheerful front doors, the round, cheerful little creatures sitting in front of them, squinting suspiciously at you but giving you a wave and a good morning regardless.

Now imagine your daddy told they were cannibals. And twilight's coming. And the Shire's just that bit too big to cross in one day. And there's smoke coming from the chimneys under the turf. And suddenly the memory of that cheerful, rotund innkeeper and his recommendations of 'the best meat pie west of the Homely House' seem that little more sinister.

And now imagine that Gandalf the bloody Grey has just told you that the key to regaining your homeland lies somewhere in the center of that. It's all lies, he tells you. Codswallop, told to keep the mean and the weak-minded away. You just head in there, lads, and I'll leave a sign on the door, and there'll be nothing to worry about.

And there isn't ... until one of you doesn't arrive on time. But it's fine. Absolutely fine. Thorin just got lost, that's all. Terrible sense of direction, that dwarf. He just got a little lost.

... Didn't he?

Bonus points for Bilbo not having a bloody clue what's up with all these dwarves for ages (because hobbits stopped having to tell those stories themselves years ago, aside from the odd joke, and honestly can't believe anyone still listens to them) until someone (Ori? Bofur?) stutters out all the old stories, and Bilbo realises he has a little room for revenge regarding the whole 'crack the plates' fiasco.

Double bonus points for Gandalf being a total troll about the whole thing.

TL;DR - Hobbits and the Shire have gotten a reputation for being cannibals from centuries of lying through their teeth to scare Big Folk away. The dwarves have heard all the old stories and obviously don't believe them, of course not. It's just that night's falling, and Thorin hasn't shown up yet, and these hobbits really do like their food ...