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I thought you’d avoid me....
I was sitting in the corner by myself watching the others. I didn’t mind being alone, I was used to it since I always made people uncomfortable. But it still stung a little as I watched the other trainees mingling together, laughing awkwardly as they got to know each other. I wanted to say something to them, wanted to introduce myself and get in on the awkward jokes, but I couldn’t seem to make my feet move.
That’s when the sofa next to me sagged down and I felt a soft, warm body press next to me. I turned and there you were, sitting so close to me that you might as well have been sitting on my lap, smiling at me with a huge, dopey grin. I stared at you in confusion.
“I’m Hakyeon,” you said.
“Taekwoon,” I murmured in response.
You stayed near my side the rest of the afternoon, chattering to me. You didn’t even seem to mind when I obviously had stopped listening.
Little by little, the other trainees came closer, reassured by your position by my side that I clearly wasn’t going to kill anyone. For the first time in a very long time, I wasn’t by myself.
.... But you didn’t.
******
I thought you’d get mad at me....
You were laughing, chasing the other members around the park. You liked chasing them, although I’m not really sure why. It was several months after our debut and the first day that we’d had any free time, so maybe you were just trying to help the others with the stress of debuting. You always tried to lightened the mood and make them feel better. You also always had the strangest ways of showing affection, so maybe that’s why you were chasing them. I could never tell with you.
I was watching from where I sat on the edge of the fountain in the center of the park. I saw you stop and turn while the other members kept chasing each other around like headless chickens. They were just weird like that.
You jogged over and sat down close to me, slinging an arm around my shoulder. I stiffened. I still didn’t understand how you were so comfortable with everyone.
“Taekwoon, come join us!” You squeezed me closer as I tried to pull away.
“No,” I replied managing to pull away and scoot over, putting several feet of space between us.
You heard the others laughing and looked away. I thought you were going to get the hint and leave me alone, but I realized that I didn’t want you to. Maybe that’s why I did what I did next.
I reached into the fountain and splashed the cold water at you. You gasped, jumping to your feet as you looked down at your soaked pants, your face a mask of shock.
I sat, frozen, on the fountain’s edge, just as shocked as you. I hadn’t meant to do it, I just didn’t like that you had looked away from me. My heart sunk in my chest as I waited for you to get mad and start yelling.
But then you started laughing.
You leapt forward, throwing one arm around me and pulling me into a suffocating hug as you reached behind me with the other and began to splash water at me unrelentingly. I laughed as I tried to reach around you to get at the water too. I could hear the other members several yards away laughing at us in surprise and the thought shot through my mind that this was the first time I had laughed in front of them.
.... But you didn’t.
******
I thought you’d hate me....
I hated broadcasts. I always preferred performances since I was so much more comfortable with singing than I was with talking. But broadcasts were a part of the job and I had to do it.
I tried to stay quiet and let you and the other memebers do most of the talking, but somehow that always seemed to pull people’s attention to me even more. You knew that I hated it, so you tried to be as supportive as you could. But somehow people always still picked on me, trying to make me do things that mortified me for the sake of entertainment.
There was one day that I remember more than any other. I don’t remember the show we were on or what they were trying to make me do. I just remember that I was uncomfortable and so on edge that when you threw your arms around me, I shoved you back without meaning to.
I saw the stunned look flash across your face before you managed to smooth it over with a smile. The hosts laughed, thinking that we were just joking around. The other members were smiling as well, knowing that we weren’t playing, but not being able to say anything about it.
It wasn’t until we were back in the van on the way home that I had the chance to say something to you. You were sitting in the front seat and I was sitting behind the drivers seat. I could see your profile and knew that you were watching the road in front of the van, not looking to the left or the right. I knew you must hate me now, how could you not? I must have embarrassed you so much. I wanted to say something but as usual, words failed me. My mind was blank as we all sat in silence.
Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I reached forward, around the side of your seat and touched the back of your hand where it was resting on the armrest. You turned your head and looked at me still-faced for a moment before a wide, tired smile brightened your face.
“No, I’m not mad,” you murmured. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
As you turned back around in your seat, you twined our fingers together. You always knew what I wanted to say, even when I couldn’t get the words out.
.... But you didn’t.
******
I thought you would curse at me....
We were all exhausted. We were in the middle of promotions and hadn’t had a break in weeks. We barely even had time to sleep, but you were unfailingly optimistic, just like always. You were all smiles and enthusiasm, trying to boost our spirits.
We had just gotten back from a music show and all of the members were being short tempered with each other. I watched as you tried to sooth them and stop the arguments. You began to pull them all in for a group hug and I don’t know why, but that made me snap.
Maybe I was jealous of you. Maybe I had always jealous of you, even from the first moment I met you. You were like the sun, always drawing people to you and letting them bask in the warmth of your smile. All I knew was how to do push people away.
And I pushed you away harder than I had ever pushed anyone.
I slapped away the hand that you had extended toward me and backed up a few paces.
“God, Hakyeon,” I snapped. “Just stay out of it for once!”
I saw the saw the hurt look cover your face and heard the shocked silence of the other members as I turned to our room and slammed the door behind me. I leaned against it, tipping my head back and shutting my eyes. Your wounded expression was scorched into my mind, even with my eyes closed. I regretted my words, I would have given anything to take them back, but I couldn’t.
I knew that you had more stress and pressure than the rest of us. I knew that you had only been doing your job as the leader by keeping peace among the members. I knew that you must be standing on the other side of the door now, cursing me and wishing that I would disappear. I wanted to go beg you for forgiveness and ask you not to hate me.
But I was a coward. Instead of going back out to face you, I silently changed my clothes and got into bed without even bothering to shower. I turned on my side and pretended to sleep as I listened to the members coming in, one by one, and quietly going to bed.
You were the last one in the room. The other members were all asleep by the time you entered and closed the door softly behind you. I heard you pull your covers over your head, but it didn’t quite muffle your sniffles as you cried yourself softly to sleep. I lay awake long after you went quiet. I hated myself for making you cry. Someone like me had no right to speak to someone like you, let alone hurt you.
At breakfast the next morning the members were silent. I saw them looking from you to me, almost fearfully. You wouldn’t meet my eyes and I thought that maybe I had finally gone too far.
My hand was trembling when I set a glace of juice down in front of you without meeting your eyes. I turned away, not wanting to see if you would drink it or reject it, but stopped when I heard you start to laugh.
“If this is what it takes for you to share your juice, Taekwoon, maybe you should get mad at me more often.”
The atmosphere in the room lifted at your words and the members started to laugh. I didn’t turn around though. I didn’t want you to see the small smile on my face or the tears of relief that were pricking in the corners of my eyes.
.... But you didn’t.
******
I thought you’d give up on someone like me....
I remember the worst fight we ever had. We had gotten back from a tour and you wanted us to take a rest, but we had a full schedule the next day. You were going to go to our manager and ask if we could have a break, but I stopped you.
I don’t know why I did it because I knew you were right. We were all exhausted and we needed a break. But somehow it seemed ungrateful to me that we should be taking a break when our fans supported us so much.
“Our fans wouldn’t want us to work ourselves to death,” you replied.
“We owe them more than we’ve been giving them,” I said.
“I agree.” Your frown deepened. “But we can’t give them more if we’re already bone tired.”
“This isn’t the time to be resting,” I insisted. The atmosphere around us was growing tenser and I noticed the other members edging their way out of the room. “You always try to coddle and baby us, but we just need to be push ourselves and not slack off.”
You took a step forward and I could see your eyes flash. You were angry.
“I baby you because no one else will,” you snapped. “Someone needs to take care of you because the industry sure as hell isn’t going to!”
“I can take care of my self!” Our voices were rising and I balled my hands into fists to stop them from shaking. “No one ever asked you to become our self-appointed mother. We’re all adults and we know what we’re doing. You need to back off and let us breath!”
“You want me to back off?” you shouted back. “Fine! I’ll back off!”
You turned and stalked into the bathroom, slamming the door behind you.
We barely spoke for the next week and when we did it was in short, clipped sentences. Even on the shows you weren’t as clingy as you usually were. The other members gave us both a wide birth, trying to stay out of our way as much as possible.
As the days progressed my anger cooled, but yours didn’t seem to. You barely spoke to me, keeping your distance and not making eye contract. It was torture, but I didn’t know how to fix it. I couldn’t sleep at night as my mind raced, trying to think of what to say to apologize. I would come up with exactly what I wanted to say, but as soon as morning came and you woke up, my mind would go blank.
Finally, one night I couldn’t take it anymore. I got back out of bed and went into the living room. It was dark and I could barely see anything, but I stood at the window and looked out at the city sprawling widely underneath me.
I wondered how it was that out of everyone in this city, this country, or even this world, I had been lucky enough to be chosen to be by your side? What had I ever done in a past life to deserve such an honor? And why was I so ungrateful as to repay the universe by hurting you? Because I thought that I had finally gone too far and you had finally given up on me.
I didn’t hear you come in the room. I only knew you were there when I felt a pair of warm, comforting arms wrap themselves around my waist. I felt you press your forehead in between my shoulder blades and heard you murmur, “Don’t cry, Taekwoonie. I’m here, don’t cry.”
I didn’t even know that I had been crying, but as you spoke I realized that my face was wet with silent tears. In the darkness of the night with you holding me tightly, I finally said the words that I had been choking on for days.
“I’m sorry,” I sobbed. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
I heard you sniffle behind me. You always did cry so easily. “I’m sorry too,” you murmured, hugging me tighter.
I don’t know how long we stood like that, but when we woke up the next morning, we were curled up on the living room floor with our arms around each other for warmth and the first light of a new day shining through the window.
.... But you didn’t.
******
I thought you would come back....
Right before your birthday you were busier than usual since you had been scheduled for so many private activities. It was beginning to take a toll on you. I could see the tiredness in your eyes and hear it in your voice, even though you tried to hide it. I wanted to do something for you and make you forget your weariness, even for a little bit. The members and I were going to prepare a cake for you on your birthday, but that didn’t seem like enough. I wanted to tell you how I felt, wanted to let you know how much you meant to me and how much I wished that I could go back and change some of the things I had done and said to you. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to say the words I wanted to out loud though, so I wrote them down in a letter. I was going to give it to you on your birthday, but I never got the chance.
Three nights before your birthday we got the phone call.
We drove to the hospital immediately.
I saw the van when we got there. It was twisted and bent from the collision.
By the time we got inside the hospital, you were gone.
It rained on your birthday, but I didn’t mind. It masked the tears that were shed while we stood at the cemetery, listening to meaningless words spoken by people who barely knew you.
I knew you.
I loved you.
I wanted to tell you.
I wanted you to come back.
.... But you didn’t.