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Patroclus
The underworld was cold.
Waves of force flowed over my skin, prickling my body back to feeling.
As if my body was swung upside down, I felt the rush of blood from toes, to calves strengthened and awake and finally up my spine and bottoming out my head. Ears flushing with color, I stood breathlessly, then tipped forward to my knees. The heels of my hands thudding under soft grass.
Had I dreamt the last battle? Was I laying on the beaches of Troy, at dawn before the world woke? Hands gripping the beige grass before me. My fingers, once gray and translucent, warming with color.
“Patroclus.”
“Achilles?” My voice rang out, stronger than before. No, I had been a ghost, floating in memories and mourning the tragedy of my choices. My voice was low and my presence simmering below reality. For the first time in a while, I remembered my physical form. My voice and my heart beating with fresh blood and vigor.
“Achilles!” I shouted. The noise scraped my throat as it escaped. “Achilles! Where are you!”
Over and over again. My head, still twisting inside my skull, began to ache from the screams I pushed out of my newly formed lungs.
I could not stand. My legs, wobbly and sick, protested against my will. The soft grass became hard and scratchy on my skin. I had not felt pain in months and it bloomed as my adrenaline wore off and my voice became weak.
_________________________
Achilles
12 days ago on Earth
My eyes had been closed during the ceremony of it all.
If I had the mind to force them open, face down to the ground and staring into the soil, I imagine that it would have ripped open before me, my limp body crumbling through a crack in the ground and down into the underworld.
If I hadn’t felt completely disconnected from my body, I would have seen my form twisting around in the air, falling from some great height past hot clouds. Despite what I imagine was a great fall from Earth, I landed on my feet.
Head swimming, I fell, kneeling in familiar grass.
This is where I died, I thought.
A moment more as my hands regained familiar strength.
This is where he died.
The strength I had always known gave way and I cried out, like the last bit of godliness finally dripped out of me. I remembered the tears, hot and flowing. Finding his warm body, skewered and horrifying. In my fall, I had forgotten he had died. I forgot that I was alone. I had killed him.
Patroclus!
“Achilles, Greatest of the Greeks.” A gentle voice rang. “There is hardly a hero that does not come here on his knees, crying for a life lived differently.”
A woman stood before me, golden hair lifting from her silk skirts in a calm wind. A wreath of dark flowers glittered her crown. Her pearly skin seemed touched with sunshine, her kind smile imbuing me with warmth.
“You are Persephone.” I stated, tears drying on my face.
“Come, child.” She tilted her delicate face, turning without watching if I were to follow. A basket tapped at her hip, filled with spring flowers and barley. “You will have to wait if you wish to see your beloved.”
Wordlessly, I found my strength and followed her.
~~
The underworld was not that much different than the world above. In many ways, my time in the battlefield had felt more like a daydream than this place.
Persephone walked with me for a while. The vast lands stretched endlessly before us. It was a beautiful place and a thought briefly pierced my mind that I had put death off to avoid this destination. The horrors of war that plagued me dragged on without me.
I regained my confidence with each step. I asked Persephone when I could see Patroclus.
“This is a place of heroes, Elysium. This path will take you to your most treasured memories where you will live without sorrow and enjoy what brought you happiness during Life.” She didn’t answer my question.
“Where are we going?” I said, catching up with her.
“Wherever you are happiest.” She smiled in a content but almost uninterested way. “Patroclus must find his own path here. I’ve watched you two for quite a while.” She continued, stopping at a section of white flowers, “I have a softness in my heart for unrequited lovers.”
Maybe she saw the desperation in my eyes when she said, “Especially those that meet in the afterlife.”
“When can I see him?” I asked again, without hiding my fear and worry.
“Soon.” She said simply, “Your souls are bound together, time and space are only obstacles keeping the inevitable from happening. Your souls, like your story, will live on and find each other in the great cosmos of Fate. I’ve enjoyed watching your souls cycle through these gates.”
“I don’t know what that means.” I replied, raising my gaze from the two flowers she twirled in her hand.
She dropped the flowers in the basket, continuing our walk, “This will be just a blink in your memories soon enough, my Dear Achilles.”
I nodded, worried for my beloved companion, but sure that a benevolent goddess such as herself wouldn’t be so certain for nothing.
~~
Persephone was right.
It was a blink of my eyes and I knew Patroclus was here.
It was a sunny day, just as it was every other day before that. Elysium was a place of wishes, turning to night when I wished it and cold when I was tired of the heat.
I had dreamt of Patroclus falling from the sky as I had. His translucent body became solid as his feet touched the first grass on Elysium. His confusion and tears reminded me of those first grueling moments of realization.
No time had passed as I walked the familiar path, hastening my speed. And soon enough, I was running, feet thudding at the soft ground. Sprinting past streams we had bathed in, trees we had climbed, hills we had rolled down.
I was smiling into the wind, feeling alive for what felt like an eternity.
There he was, sitting in the grass, face upturned to the sun. I couldn’t say anything as I ran to him.
Patroclus! Patroclus! Patroclus!
His chin turned as if hearing the shouting in my head.
A huge smile broke out of his teary face. The entire world was bright and my feet were flying beneath me.
“Achilles!”
_________________________
Achilles
I couldn’t quite remember Patroclus’ death.
We had bathed in cool streams on hot summer days thousands of times. We had sipped on ambrosia in handmade chairs, watching countless sunsets.
At one point, the memories of our great battles began to fade away. Sure, I could recall the mess of it all. The blurs of faces in anguish, the slap of boots on mud and clanking metal. The horrible stench of bodies riddled with plague.
One early morning, when the air was crisp and dew had begun to form on the tips of pines, I couldn’t quite recall how we met. I sat, alone as Patroclus slept, and reached into the corners of my mind.
Who had spoken to each other first? Did I call out to him or watch from afar? What did we say to each other?
When Patroclus awoke, I was there, skin still cool from the outside air. Here, we were warm, safe and protected from a winter that would be temperate and idyllic. If I wished for it, there would be no winter at all.
But I craved the warmth that was created when Patroclus and I were together, bodies impossibly close to each other. Creating heat with each other’s skin, mouth and movement.
No, we would have a pleasant winter and a cave full of hearth.
_________________________
Patroclus
Elysium was like a dream. I found myself waking up to summer and winter at random. Sometimes it was winter and glass would frost the windows. There would be a fire inside, already warming Achille’s rosy cheeks. Other times, I breathed in fresh spring air, the sound of a stream flowing nearby and the ripple of our tent allowing a cool breeze from outside.
Other times there were people from my past. I would visit my mother and she would smile, eyes bright with happiness. Rarely, I awoke and was a child and alone. Living out my time playing in the grass, amused by the bugs that dipped into flowers and adventures that only lived in my mind.
Mostly, though, it was just us like today. Sitting under the stars, beside a campfire, embers that would fade by morning.
I could tell that Achilles was changing.
Without lifting his eyes from the flames, Achilles said quietly, “I can’t remember first meeting you.”
We were silent for a while. I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t surprised or shocked. Memories had been slipping away for me as well.
Achilles continued, “I never minded forgetting the war. At first, I forgot the smell and the sharpness of it all.” He cleared his throat, thinking of the words. “But then, I started to forget their faces. Menelaus and Odysseus. Men who we fought with, who I would never forget…Agamemnon too. I can’t remember the terror of finding you, just that I wished to be dead too.”
Achilles, settled next to me, leaned forward poking at the fire. “I didn’t care much that these memories were gone. I know now that this is all I had been waiting for. To be with you as we are now. Glory in battle got us here, but we have lived a thousand lives, just us.”
His face turned away, we sat in thick silence, only the crackling fire reminding us that time was passing.
“But…” Achilles started. I forced my mind to memorize golden hair lit by the fire, Achilles head shaking in thought. “I couldn’t remember Chiron’s face or the smell of herbs when spring turned and we were learning medicine. I wake up everyday, waiting for the day when I forget who we are, why we are here.”
Achilles turned to me now, fear and worry casting shadows from the fire. We were both frozen in time from each other’s death, the same wrinkles and worry from the minute his heart stopped. We had both grown, though. Time had found some way to weigh heavily in his flickering eyes.
Green eyes darkened by worry, he spoke again, “Our souls are tied together, Patroclus. But the life we lead is fading from existence. Who will we be when our story has been forgotten?”
“I don’t know, Achilles.” I thought for a moment, straining for answers. “I don’t know.”
~~
It happened while we were bathing in the lake.
The day was warm and the stream was cooler, but still it felt as if we were floating through air as the water took us past tall green trees, light glinting through canopies of leaves.
Everyday was beautiful, and I thought with some humor, this one is the most beautiful.
My eyes closed, only the dull sound of water as I tipped back, sucking in a deep breath. I floated along, letting the sun fill my vision with red. The glitter of the lake peeked at my eyelids, and my vision danced with sunny stars.
There was a whisper of a beat, so imperceptible that the twitch of unformed hands grasped at warm liquid in rhythm. I could see it, an outline of a tiny nose. I was immersed in pure warmth and barely holding onto something. Something calling out to me from outside.
“Patroclus? Patroclus!”
I began to think of my soul as a rock at the bottom of the riverbed, the stream of time rolling it over and smoothing the edge of my memories until nothing was left but the core of my being. Even my own death was not sharp enough for time to sand it out. Only a spider’s thread, barely strong enough to withstand a breath of air holding Achilles and I together.
Life. That's what it was. The feeling was being alive.
“I think I know where to go now, Achilles.” I heard myself say.
“Don't go. I can’t-” he sobbed from faraway.
"Say my name," he cried. "What's my name, Patroclus?"
Pa-tra-co-lus
A white cloud passed lazily over the sky. Where had he seen this view before?
“Achilles.”
That was his name.
Familiar green eyes searched mine. Fear spiking in my chest I clutched to Achilles’ shoulders. We stood against a gentle stream, balancing on smooth rocks. “I remember. I remember. Achilles.”
~~
Achilles' deep breaths had turned shallow, his arms engulfing me in warmth. We lay facing each other, my forehead against his chest. Strong arms weakening with sleep.
When Achilles first came to me after he entered Elysium, Persephone had been there in the distance. Her knowing gaze watching their reunion.
She had simply said, “Enjoy the treasure of time here, together. I will see you next time.”
Achilles recalled their souls being tied together and Fate bringing them back to each other over and over again. It was so long ago that I could barely recall what it felt like to embrace each other for the first time after death.
Dragging my hands around Achilles’ waist, I pulled myself closer. We had talked about what I saw, about —what was the first time in a long time— something after eternity in Elysium. Achilles, in his worry and frustration, remembered the sting of abandonment.
‘I promise, I won’t leave you alone.’ I had said.
‘You…’ almost unable to finish his sentence through tears. ‘You went somewhere today. I’m just not there yet. I still remember you and us. It is fading but I do.’
We were both crying and holding onto each other, even if I couldn’t remember our life before this, I knew the love we had transcended memories.
“I’ll wait for you, my love. In every lifetime. I’ll remember you.”
_________________________
They slept on the grass that night.
A fire, crackling softly beside them.
They both knew that they were at the entrance of the Elysium. The familiar white flowers still and silent.
They both locked eyes at the same time, unmoving and so close they could be one.
Achilles’ bottom lip twitched and without thinking, Patroclus pressed his lips against his.
No time had passed as they kissed. They were in fact one, brought together by a single thread that passed through time and distance.
In fact, it was the first day in Elysium when they embraced. It was the first gaze, peeking through adolescent eyes as they laughed in echoing hallways. It was the day they were born, made to be together from the first breath taken in a new world and a new time.
It was moments after both of their deaths. The souls, tied together, crossed the stars, streams, mountains and fields.
They had died and found each other and would die and find each other again and again.
And again.