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“What’s wrong now?”
Mike hated El’s tone of voice, how she said the phrase with so much exasperation, as if Mike was a pest that wouldn’t leave her alone.
“I just don’t understand why you have to go on this trip with Hopper. We had plans this weekend—you and me.” Mike gestured between them.
“They’re the same plans we always have,” El said, “Why is this such a big deal?”
“Because my girlfriend should want to spend time with me!”
“So, I’m never allowed to spend time with anyone else?” El said, narrowing her eyes.
“No! No,” Mike said, “Of course, you can. I’m just—“
“Just what, Mike?” El threw up her hands.
“Just not sure if you even like me!” Mike said, hoping that the words would land, punch El in the gut, and get her to see sense. He was sorely disappointed. If anything, they just made her angrier.
“What are you talking about,” El asked flatly, “Tell me, Mike. Please. What am I doing wrong that everyone else in your life seems to get right.”
Mike gaped. For a moment, a feeling of guilt crept over him, but he shoved it down, holding onto his anger.
“You don’t need me, El!”
“Why do I have to need you? Why can’t I just be me?”
Mike shook his head. “No, you’re not getting it. I don’t mean it like that.”
“Then, what do you mean?” El demanded.
“I don’t—I feel like you don’t love me enough, or—or in the right way,” Mike admitted.
“What’s the right way?”
“I don’t know,” Mike groaned, wiping a hand over his face. “I don’t know. I just don’t get it. Why can’t you just treat me the way Will does?”
Mike froze. His hand was still over his face, so he couldn’t see El’s immediate reaction. He wasn’t sure he wanted to.
He didn’t know why he’d said that. He didn’t mean that.
“What do you mean ‘the way Will does’?” El said quietly.
“Nothing. Forget I said anything. I didn’t mean anything by it,” Mike said hastily, finally letting his hand drop down to his side. He clenched it into a fist to keep from fidgeting.
“No. What did you mean, Mike?”
“I don’t know!” Mike defended, “I was talking crazy. I didn’t mean it. I just—well—I mean, I meant it a little.”
“Okay,” El said slowly, but Mike was already steam-rolling over her.
“Will always asks to hang out with me. And he tells me he missed me, even if we just hung out the day before. And he takes an interest in the things I like. And I just… I feel like he needs me.”
“You mean, you feel like he loves you,” El corrected. She was wearing an unreadable expression, and Mike felt terrified. He didn’t know why, but it was probably the most terrified he’d ever been, like he was standing on the precipice of something that could ruin his life. “He loves you the right way. In a way that I don’t.”
“No,” Mike croaked out. It sounded like a lie. “I… I… I love you, El. I love you.
“Then, why do you want me to be Will,” El asked sadly. She looked so confused and upset, and Mike hated himself for it. He hated himself for so many reasons.
“I’m sorry, El,” Mike said before he realized that was the wrong thing to say, “I mean, I don’t want you to be Will. Of course I don’t.”
“It sounds like you do,” El sniffed.
“No. No. I don’t know why I said that.” Mike shook his head, stepping closer to her, his arms reaching out. “I don’t know why I said that. I’m sorry. You’re a great girlfriend. And I want you just the way you are, okay?”
Mike shot forward, pulling El in for a kiss. He poured his whole body into it, cupping her face with strong fingers, like he was afraid she might disappear suddenly. His lips moved with a desperate yearning, and he could feel El accept it all, but she didn’t kiss back.
When Mike finally drew back, he found that both of them were crying. He wasn’t really sure why.
“El…”
El took a step back. She looked small, hugging her arms around her body.
Mike felt like puking. He looked down at his hands, still outstretched towards her. There was something grotesque about them. They made bile rise in his throat, and he suddenly couldn’t speak. He couldn’t say the words that would make it all better and make this feeling go away. He didn’t know if those kinds of words even existed.
He’d messed up. He didn’t know how but he’d really messed up.
“I think I should go,” El said quietly, slowly backing out of the room.
“But—“
“I should go,” El repeated, more firmly this time. She still couldn’t look Mike in the eyes. “I’ll see you when I get back.”
Then, she was gone.
Mike sunk down onto the couch next to him, putting his head in his hands.
There was something wrong with Mike.
The sight of Will’s face, years younger, so bright and full of awe as he looked up at Mike.
Will purposefully bumping shoulders with him and then lingering for just a second too long, a warm smile on his face.
Will speaking, and Mike looking at his lips. His neck. His shoulders. His chest. Back up to his eyes. His eyes. His eyes.
While Mike should have been agonizing over his fight with his girlfriend, his mind kept going back to the same thing.
Will. Will. Will.
There was something seriously wrong with Mike.