Work Text:
Heizou had spent a long time sleeping this time. Inazuma didn't have harsh winters but, to his skin and mind they were as striking as if he'd been doused in freezing water after walking the desert sands. It was both unpleasant and unbearable.
Worse yet, Heizou often found Kazuha gone on long trips around the world. It was often that the wanderer would find his feet carrying him to distant lands and new sights. Heizou loved the stories, even if he couldn't join the man he loved to experience them. A few short visits were all he could manage, when the weather was warm, and — because of his moral compass — when he didn't have cases piling up on his desk.
Rain always felt the best. It was what made Inazuma the perfect place to live.
To Kazuha, Heizou knew there were far too many painful memories here. Though Kazuha had had a difficult childhood, there had been nothing as terrifying as his adult life in these lands.
And the sad thing was, Heizou could say the same thing. The only difference between them was Heizou called this place home and always would. The sounds, the smells, and even the people here were those he cared deeply for and wanted to protect.
Kazuha found his ambitions outside its boarders and his heart out there… away from Heizou. That stung. It shouldn't have, Heizou knew Kazuha had his own life and goals, but it stung nonetheless. He wished they could be together forever.
When he was reminded once more of Heizou's existence, Kazuha appeared within a month's time, happy and slightly tanned from his last voyage.
"Heizou! The time has rushed past me. It has been too long." The man stopped them both on the street while he was on patrol, taking him into a warm, comforting hug in front of all the people with little care as to who was looking on. With the same tact he kissed him on the lips gently, radiant in the sunlight as Kazuha took a step back. "How have you been?"
"Busy." He was always busy, mostly at the beginning of spring like this, when the colder weather no longer kept him and other people hidden indoors and most activity was easy to trace. "But when am I not? You've been gone a long time. Have a safe trip?"
Kazuha chuckled, letting him go. "Yes. It was enjoyable. I went further into the rain-forest that I have ever gone before, collecting supplies for someone in Liyue who needed herbs that only grow within the climate there. Beidou and the rest of us were compensated but it did keep us on dry land longer than most trips and away from here. I'm sorry if time slipped by me and my mind wandered. What has it been, four, five months? It feels like less. Forgive me."
"You don't need to ask for my forgiveness. You were out living life and making mora. I'm glad you had fun and were able to see new sights. I'm sure you have more than a handful of stories to tell me. Though I am technically working right now…" Heizou placed a hand under his chin in thought. "I haven't had lunch yet. I can treat unless you would like to."
Kazuha bowed gentlemen like before taking his hand. "I would be honored to treat you to dinner, my overworked detective. Perhaps you can cut your shift short today?"
Kazuha was as much a bad influence on his work hours ethic as he was, but Heizou didn't find issue with that. He often worked cases more than two days straight without rest and off the clock. It was the impression that he left behind at the office that was starting to bother the others.
Heizou didn't mind though. Sara knew him better than that, and if people would rather believe a false truth about him because of rumors, than he would allow that to effect his world as little as possible.
"I'm sure I have more than a few hours to spare that the afternoon is ours. I do need to stop by and let Madame Kujou know I haven't been spirited away again, but other than that, I'm yours."
"Again?" Kazuha raised his eyebrow.
"There were some youkai that were less friendly than the rest on Seirai Island. Let's just say there was a missing persons report out for me for a while. I took care of it. I'm good at cases like that."
Kazuha's chuckle was more of a breath this time. "Were you ghost hunting again?"
"Perhaps."
Kazuha started walking beside him as they both made their way to the station. "I have heard many rumors of ghosts in my travels. I have not seen for myself the remnants but I would like to take you, if time can be found, to Nod-krai. There are more than a few that claim to see phantoms there and I cannot tell if it is ghosts, the abyss, or something more at work."
That did sound very interesting. Heizou had never been to a land that far away. He'd have to leave early and make sure the weather wasn't too harsh. It was colder that close to the north.
"I'd like that. I'll have to ask Madame Kujou about it another day. I think she'll be ticked off enough for one evening but losing me for a month will send her over the edge."
Kazuha let out a breath. "Heizou… I love that you're great at your job. I also love that you find passion in what you do. I do not, however, like that so many rely on you so heavily that it is hard to tear you away from work and homestead to get you to take leisurely time to yourself."
"I suppose. Though let me put it another way. I enjoy it. My mind working around problems that I have to puzzle out helps me think and it brings me joy to help those that need it. Would you give up your life on the waters and seeing other lands only because I could say the same of you, and that I never get any time alone with you?"
Kazuha scrunched up his face. He didn't respond.
"I wasn't trying to make you feel bad." Heizou didn't like that the happiness had faded from Kazuha's eyes. "I like that you travel as well and that you're happy. We have home and each other. That is a lot and more than some have." He reached out, squeezing Kazuha's hand. "And I love you the way you are."
"I love you the way you are too. I apologize if I made it seem otherwise."
"You didn't. We both tend to think too much, all the more so when we haven't seen each other in a while." Heizou lifted up his hand and kissed the back of it, not minding the glove or the taste of the sea it held.
"Heizou… I had wanted to bring you back something. I always forget." Kazuha blushed. "I shouldn't do that. I think of you while I am on the sea and I love you like I have loved no one before, but I have not been as thoughtful of you as I should be."
Heizou debated speaking more of the truth. It wasn't Kazuha's fault.
They'd been dating for almost two years and intimate for more than half of that. He doubted he'd love anyone more than he did the person he was holding onto right now.
But that was his greatest fear as well. What if Kazuha didn't accept him? There were flaws, every person had them, but Heizou carried a heavier weight than most could ever find the strength to hold onto. He had more issues than his dislike of crowds, or the way he tended to avoid confrontation at all costs.
"Kazuha, I think we should talk."
Heizou ignored the road he had been on, turning instead. He'd speak to Sara later. Right now he had to sort things out with Kazuha and, if she fired him for his actions, he'd find another line of work. He doubted it would happen but let the thought settle.
If he turned back now, he may be afraid to speak the words that had to be said between them.
"Heizou, is something wrong?"
"Not in the way you think." Gaze slightly sad with the thought that he might lose Kazuha after today, Heizou let his heart ache for a future that wasn't certain. His mind was far too good, seeing multiple outcomes at once and allowing him to feel the emotions of those outcomes in less than a minute.
Kazuha must have censed this was about something important. He didn't regale him about stories of his trip as he normally would. The silence between them was there — not heavy, not painful, but full of possibilities neither of them wanted to test out.
Walking up to his house — their house, he'd invited Kazuha to live with him a year ago — Heizou removed his emblem as well as his haori, leaving him in his shirt and shorts. It was more comfortable when he wasn't planning on going out again.
Kazuha did the same, placing his sword at the doorway and a small bag of things he kept with him when he went on these long trips that held his mora and a set of extra clothing.
They both sat on the couch, Heizou with an arm over the back so that he could better face Kazuha as he spoke, watching him.
"I need to tell you something."
"I got that impression." Kazuha tilted his head. "If something is wrong, I can help. I'm not sure if it would require me to leave the crew but I can if you need me to."
Heizou felt a lump in his throat. That was a lot of Kazuha to give up — and something he would never ask.
"No." He shook his head. "Kazuha, have you noticed anything strange about me?"
"Strange? In what way?" Kazuha folded his legs and faced him entirely, sitting awkwardly. "We all have our quirks. I am aware you have a few of your own and prefer not to do anything publicly that would give you a better image. Why that is, I'm not sure. I also know you have constantly rejected my invitations to board the ship and leave with me, though I do know why that is as well. I can't say any of it is too strange."
"There are reasons for that. I'll get to it in a bit, reasons past what you think." Heizou let out a breath. No turning back. "Kazuha, I'm not human."
Kazuha blinked. He started at him longer, expecting some kind of joke. When nothing came, he frowned.
"You… Heizou, what do you mean?"
"I'm not human," he stated again. "I look it and act it, because I was raised among humans. I'm a youkai that takes over the body of a child when it's in the womb. I mature early and pass for human, but that's only a way of surviving." Heizou let his eyes drift downward. He didn't want to know what kind of expression he'd see on Kazuha's kind face from those words. "I took over this human's life to make it my own before I could think. I'm a… well, I'm a youkai tied to the flowers and trees here."
The silence was longer. Should he say more? That wasn't much of an explanation…
"Alright, you're a youkai. Is there an issue?"
Looking down wasn't enough. Heizou shut his eyes. The weight of it was getting painful. "Forgetting to bring me things you would have liked to, staying out on long trips, that's normal… if you're going to love me. You see, I'm the youkai of a particular flower." Heizou brushed his much darker hair behind his ear. It was only this color because the person born to these parents must have had black or brown hair. He could claim he dyed it but he didn't… it was the natural pink hues of his own mixing with the human blood. "When summer ends, I can' t stay here anymore. My 'parent', for lack of a better word, is the reason I'm alive. They're a tree. When their life starts fading, so does mine."
Kazuha's arms were suddenly around him, holding him tight.
"Are you alright?! Is something wrong? Can I do… something? Heizou, I didn't know. Let me know if—…. What…"
Huh? It took Heizou a few too many moments than it should have to understand what Kazuha was talking about. When everything started falling into place, he felt worse.
"Wait, Kazuha. I'm not dying or anything." Heizou held Kazuha's sides, not able to hug him and unsure if he wanted to. Holding onto Kazuha was… not something he did unless he was sure Kazuha felt safe. "I'm sorry. I worded that wrong — or badly, is what I should say."
Kazuha didn't let him go but he did shift so that his hands were tight on his shoulders and they were forced to look at one another.
"Then make me understand. What is going on? Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." A smile was easy. It was easier than it should have been. Anything to ease Kazuha's worried heart. "And I will be," as long as his parent was. It was alright. Most trees in Inazuma were protected, all the more so the cherry blossom ones. It may be why his kind hadn't died yet. "I'll explain better. Have you noticed you forget about me when the cold sets in?"
Kazuha's expression hardened. Typically when the poet thought, he did so calmly and with an air of amusement around him. This was something serious.
"No…" he eventually spoke. "I don't recall lost memories in the colder seasons. I do travel a lot and there have been months we are apart, but I haven't forgotten you."
"That's because you remember me now, so your mind is filling in spaces where I can be eased in without damaging you." Heizou tapped his side lightly, watching Kazuha twitch at the slightly ticklish spot. "We have never spent one late fall or winter together."
Kazuha's eyes were searching his face, expression, his clothing, how he was now laying against the cushions — Everything.
Then the poet of very little words today allowed space between them once more, letting out a heavy breath as he sank back. "I… I can't remember if we did, and if we have I can't think of anything in particular that could have been alter memories instead of the truth. Is there a way I can… stop this? And… this is the truth, right?"
"Have I ever lied to you?" Heizou winced after he said the words, finding it hard to keep facing Kazuha. "I mean intentionally and in a way like this, where I'm stating falsehoods as truth. I don't think I have, to you at least. And no, there's no way to stop it. When it gets colder I get tired… and then when I get too tired I just kind of fade away — from here and from everyone's memories."
"And what?" Kazuha snapped, angry. "We just go on living as if you never existed?"
"Yes." Heizou raised an eyebrow. "Once I came of age and I lost the ability to keep up the life force the human who's body this was, to keep me only sleepy in the cold, I started fading. It wasn't that bad, at first, just a month or two. That started when I was fourteen I think." It was hard to remember back then.
"Where… where do you go?"
Heizou shrugged, shaking his head. "I don't know. I fall asleep and then I wake up where I last was tired. I don't think I go anywhere, I just fade from the physical world. It is why I'm interested in the afterlife. Is that where I go? Is there an in between?" Slowly, Heizou's mind started working, pushing aside his overflowing emotions. "Would I become a ghost if I died? If there are ghosts, of course."
"Don't talk about things like that."
Heizou smiled, reaching over to hold Kazuha's hand. The man he loved was looking down, sorrow on his features as easy to read as the tittle of a book. "I'm not dying yet. Like you, I'll live a human's lifespan. This is a human body. After that, I'm not sure. Maybe the mystery is worth the trials of life."
"I don't want to think about death." Kazuha shook his head.
There was no running. No pushing him away. Kazuha held his hand back, tears silently falling down his cheeks. "I've been forgetting you all this time and I didn't know it. You spend your days working and trying to help so many and yet how much have you been hurting, keeping this burden to yourself?"
Heizou felt his body tense up, his heart painful in his chest. He hadn't been looking for sympathy, only to give Kazuha the truth about himself. Now that he did—
Why did he feel himself crying with him?
Angrily rubbing at his eyes, Heizou refused. There was nothing sad about this. It was what he was, how he was meant to live. The person who's life he took died when he was born. That was enough of a burden. He didn't need more lives to be lost because of him. There were already too many. He blamed himself even if he wasn't the one who held the blade.
Kazuha's arms were around him again and they both cried into the shoulder of the other.
The afternoon light was too bright, the sun having warned his house too comfortable. This should have been a miserable day to fit such a miserable moment.
But things could have been worse. Kazuha could have taken his withholding of his identity as a betrayal. He could have treated any of his words as too much — too much in too many ways, and Heizou wouldn't have held it against him.
"Are you okay?" Heizou had to ask.
"It's a lot to processes," Kazuha admitted. "And a part of me only sees you as the person I know. I don't believe I have issue with that. You are Heizou. If the Heizou I fell in love with is a youkai, then so be it. It doesn't make a difference if you are human or something else, at least not to me. What is bothering me is that I fear that my mind allows me forget your presence. I can't understand how that is possible… and I wish for a way to stop it."
While he was a detective, that was something he was driven to do. Being a youkai didn't mean he had no life and no personality. Heizou could keep to himself, live off things others than human food. He was, after all, kin to a tree. Though he'd never admit to anyone, the sunlight and rain were enough for him when he was on long cases and had skipped lunch.
And being a detective he had looked into his nature thoroughly. "There is no way. I wish there was." He didn't mind being forgotten. The time was lost to him as well. It was only Kazuha and the others that lived life around him. There was nothing to he sad about… right?
"What if we go somewhere warm?" Kazuha asked suddenly. "Keep you from the cold temperatures. Would you be able to stay yourself then?"
Heizou shook his head. "It's not me but my parent that keeps me here. And I'm not sure which of these trees is the one I came from. It could be any." He shrugged. "I fade in areas where it gets too cold, and I'll die if I were to go too far and not find warmth. It makes traveling for me dangerous, the further i get from my roots and tepid weather."
"You would have been fine in Sumeru."
"It was winter here," Heizou pointed out, raising a finger. "Again, my roots matter."
Kazuha let out a breath. "I'm in love with a flower."
Heizou laughed. "I'm not a flower." It was close but being a youkai was nothing like being a plant. It was like calling a human a pig, just because they were mammals. "
They were quiet for a while.
"So I just have… to put up with forgetting the person I love?"
"For four months or so, yes." Heizou let him go. "Are you okay?"
Kazuha didn't look it. His eyes were red from the tears and his expression tired. They had walked in and the man was full of energy. Now the conversation had sapped it all out of him, along with a good deal of his joy.
"You know," Heizou spoke, the words wanting to stay in the back of his throat where they felt stuck. "You don't have to stay with me, if it hurts. We can be friends instead. I know it's hard to love someone who vanishes from your life."
Tears fell once more and Kazuha placed his head in his hands to hide them, his breathing unsteady as he tried to control himself.
"Heizou, I don't want that… how could you think I would want that?… But… I don't know what to do about this. I love you. I don't want to forget you. I don't want to accept that this is how our life is."
"It's always been like this. The only difference now is that you know."
"… Thank you, for telling me." Kazuha stood, walking over to him and leaning down before struggling to scoop Heizou up in his arms.
"Hey! What the—!? What are you doing?!"
"Spending time with you. The little I already have from my travels has become shorter now. I will make sure that you are with me, in the summer. We will travel and I will accost the station if that's what it takes to earn you the time off you deserve. I will enjoy all the time I have with you — every second of it, every breath, every whisper. And when I do forget you, I will remember again, and I will hurt. And I will love you again and again and again. And now that I know, each time I remember that I have forgotten, I will enjoy all the more the gift that I have by sharing these emotions with you."
Heizou held on as he was taken to the bedroom, a blush on his face at those far too poetic words.
Maybe his mind wasn't as perfect in its deductions as he thought, because he never believed in an ending as beautiful as this before.
"You still love me?"
"Did you doubt that I would?" Kazuha pushed the door open, leaning down to kiss him. "Yes, my overthinking detective, I love you with all my heart. And you have given me even more reasons to love you that break my heart and mend it all the same. This is a hurt we will share from now on and forever."
Suddenly Heizou was holding his close to his body, Kazuha's neck there as he breathed in his near his throat, feeling it catch.
Heizou didn't want to go. He didn't want to fade away anymore. He wanted to stay with Kazuha, forever.
Tired of being forgotten.
That's what he was.
"I'm sorry you felt the need to keep this from me, and I understand it." Kazuha nuzzled him, sitting on the bed and falling over so they were both splayed out beside one another, snuggling into each other like the world was ending.
"I was afraid," Heizou admitted. "Being you, I thought you may react kindly to the idea but I didn't think you'd be happy about it."
"I'm not. Not in the least. Who would be happy about forgetting the person they love?" A cool hand was on his cheek, lightly brushing away the damp hair that stuck. "But nothing can change the way the world works, so I will accept you as you are and love you all the more for any pain I may cause."
Gods, Heizou loved this man.
"Never stop being you." That was all he could say as Heizou leaned in, kissing Kazuha, feeling a want from both of them to be close, closer than they could ever get — inseparable.
For the next few months, they'd make that a reality.
Until fall set in once more. Then— Then Heizou would wait, wait for the one he loved, and know that Kazuha would be there when he woke up and still love him all the same.