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Monika's hands close the gap, and she can't get away anymore.
Her hands are warm. The kind of warmth that makes you sweat. Or maybe that's the adrenaline. Hard to say. Hard to think. She doesn't know. She tries to swallow.
Her hands are cold. The kind of cold where you've been standing outside too long, and whatever you're doing with your hands becomes impossible, but you want to get it done so you don't have to go out again. Stubborn. Frustrated.
Alone.
Not anymore.
Her hands hang limply in Monika's grip, and she tries to find something to say. Failing, she tries again to swallow. It threatens to come back up, but she manages it. Okay. One thing at a time. Keep it together.
"It's okay." The words strike her and Monika winces, but continues. "Emi, it's okay. Nobody's gonna hurt you." She pulls her closer, and Emi feels her eyes burning. "Nobody's gonna see."
Permission feels more like a command, and she tries to speak again, but it comes out in a choked up grunt. "I can't-" she stops, hearing her own voice, and feeling her chest tighten. Monika's hands release hers and instead pull her by her shoulders, easing her into a hug. "It's alright."
Her hands twitch uselessly in the air before pinning themselves at her sides, afraid to even touch her.
Her embrace was a little too tight. It was a comfort. It really was. She was glad she had a friend like Monika. And she would've kept it together, if it didn't feel...
...so familiar.
Everything falls apart in a haze as tears fall down her cheeks.
"I...I-" she breaks off in a sob, fists clenching as Monika pushes her face against her shoulder. "I can't-..." It's not right. She doesn't deserve it.
"You don't have to do anything right now. Just let it out." There was a lot Monika couldn't do. Despite all she attempted, she did have some idea of her limits. She couldn't fix it all in a day. She couldn't make her happy again. She didn't know everything going on in her head.
She couldn't bring her back.
But she could do this much, at least.
It started as a low moan, up and down and up again, and quickly grew louder. Each time she grabbed a breath, quick and gasping, Monika's hand traced a circle around her back.
"It's-" she swallows again, thick and heavy, "It's all my fault..." The words spill from her before she even realizes what she's saying, but the sinking feeling in her chest tells her it's true.
God, she's such an idiot. "Hey." Monika's grip tightens, separating herself momentarily. "It..." How does she even word-? "It isn't. It's not your fault."
"It is. It-" "Emi. Listen to my voice." To emphasize, she shook her by the shoulders with each word. "It is not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not mine. It's not anyone's fault. Okay? You didn't kill her." Emi's face scrunched as she said it. She tried to turn, but Monika hugged her again.
She hadn't even meant to, it just...when she saw her face, she...
"It wasn't your fault. It wasn't." Please believe me.
"..." Emi continued sobbing for a while. Monika wasn't keeping track. Of anyone in the club, she was glad that she had found her first.
Some people didn't want everyone lining up to offer support.
Some people only felt comfortable with the one person they could trust. Some people wanted something easy, out of the way, in the background.
Luckily, Monika knew a thing or two about subtlety.
After all, she'd learned it for her.
"...You were so much to her. You were-" Monika wasn't sure what she was saying anymore, but felt like she needed to say something.
"...You did everything you could have." ...No, I could have done more. I could have... "We did everything we could have. Sometimes...I-...things happen."
The words fell apart in her head before she could finish them.
God, that didn't sound good, did it? That sounded so insensitive. Fuck. Fuck!
At least Emi had calmed down some...
She was right. God, she was always right. Emi couldn't believe it. "I'm...such an idiot." "No, you're not." Emi sighed, quietly melting into Monika's arms. "...thank you."
Monika tried to pull apart again, but this time, Emi's hands came up to keep them together. "Thank you, thank you, thank you..." She trailed off, struggling not to cry again.
It seemed like that was all she could do these days. At least she wasn't alone.
"...It's what friends are for." Emi sighed again, holding it for a little longer.
What friends are for.
...That's something she would have said.