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Once there was a man named Todd who lived in a seaside villa.
The only problem in Todd’s life was that he was terrified of water.
For this reason he could only wash his hands with sanitiser and was always dehydrated and on a sugar high because he only drank juice, and only ate Digestive biscuits, because they were the driest thing he could find.
Todd never bathed, and so he and his whole house stank. Everyone would be envious of his pretty house but when they walked past and got a whiff of the stink, they’re envy shrivelled up into disgust.
Todd’s only friend in the whole world was a spider named Mr. Jumpy-Legs, who was oddly as clean as a whistle. Well, at least he looked clean, but that might be because you can’t see germs. You see, Mr. Jumpy-Legs snuck into Todd’s boarded up toilet all the time to drink and bathe, it was like an Olympic swimming pool! Mr. Jumpy-Legs actually didn’t like Todd that much, and mostly hung out with him out of pity, and because of his cool toilet and free food. Mr. Jumpy-Legs didn’t mind water, in fact, he loved it!
Eventually, Mr. Jumpy-Legs grew depressed because of Todd’s problematic lifestyle, and started to try and coax him out of the house. He resorted to drastic measures, such as hiding Todd’s Digestive biscuits and threatening to only give them back if Todd went outside. This was quite a challenge, considering that Todd had rooms full of Digestives, but Mr. Jumpy-Legs managed, after all, he had ages to plot.
After days of starving, Todd went outside. He actually didn’t mind it that much, until a group of stupid kids ran up to him and dumped a bucket of ice water on his head.
Todd spent days shivering in a corner of his seaside villa. Mr. Jumpy-Legs went and bit those children that night, and contacted his brothers and sisters to infest their houses, promising generous payments of Digestives.
It was about this time, that Mr. Jumpy-Legs decided that Todd had to wake up to himself and get his life together. He couldn’t just sit in the dark, munching on Digestives at three in the morning anymore.
Mr. Jumpy-Legs put on a cap and became Todd’s personal life coach.
Trainer Jumpy-Legs constructed a five step plan. Step one was to finally find Todd a therapist. Step two was to get a licorice wand and just whip, whip, whip, whip, whip, whip, whip, whip, whip. Step three was to stop whipping. Honestly, Trainer Jumpy-Legs hadn’t thought of a Step four. He was just winging it.
One thing you should have figured out by now about Mr. Jumpy-Legs and Todd, was that they were both broke. Mr. Jumpy-Legs because he was a spider and the government still rudely though that spiders shouldn’t have bank accounts (something about The Great Biting of 1602...), and Todd because of all the Digestives (those things are like seven dollars a packet, nowadays!). So, they couldn’t actually afford a therapist. So what did they do? They resorted to ChatGPT.
Todd thought it was pretty good, but Mr. Jumpy-Legs thought it might be giving Todd the wrong ideas (such as when it suggested that Mr. Jumpy-Legs was a manipulative little spider after Todd told it about the time that Mr. Jumpy-Legs stole all his Digestives.). So, Mr. Jumpy-Legs put on a pair of glasses, grabbed a clipboard, and took on the alias of Lady Susan.
Unfortunately, one of the many things that Todd was afraid of was women, so this didn’t work at all the way Lady Susan hoped. Mr. Jumpy-Legs changed his alias to Guy Susento, and therapy finally began, however Guy Susento was a terrible therapist since all the advice he knew was about whipping sticks of black licorice. So, back they went to ChatGPT.
They began to use it so much that Guy Susento’s catchphrase changed from “Whip, Whip! WHIP!” to “No Susento? No problemo! Just ask ChatGPT!”
After only two weeks, ChatGPT itself got fed up with Todd’s increasingly pathetic and dramatic messages, and gently suggested that Todd try going into the ocean, and maybe stop using ChatGPT for serious life issues, since it really wasn’t qualified and it sounded as though Todd needed medical help at this point. Guy Susento jumped at this idea, because by now, Todd was ruining his life and he was also fed up. Todd flat-out refused to go anywhere near the ocean.
And so, Mr. Jumpy-Legs went mad and stuffed Todd into a wheelie bin, before wheeling him out the door and down to the beach. Todd banged his way out of the wheelie bin and ran back home, way faster than Mr. Jumpy-Legs had anticipated, since he was so malnourished, Mr. Jumpy-Legs had no idea he could move fast when he wanted to.
Anyway, Todd ran back home and immediately booked a flight to the middle of Australia! Desert!
Unfortunately, Mr. Jumpy-Legs was completely insane by this point and jumped on a LIME scooter and scootered all the way to Australia, following Todd’s plane.
When Todd got there, he had already spent hours chatting to ChatGPT on the flight about what to do about Mr. Jumpy-Legs. ChatGPT suggested building a titanium, platinum, reinforced doomsday bunker to keep out Mr. Jumpy-Legs when he inevitably followed him.
Luckily Todd had already thought of this and arrived at his brand new Titanium, Platinum, Reinforced, Doomsday Bunker,™ in the middle of the Australian desert.
Mr. Jumpy-Legs had also been talking to ChatGPT (the AI was really concerned by some of the weird requests it was getting from both Todd and Mr. Jumpy-Legs, and even reported both of them for sheer weirdity.) and suspected this might have happened. As Mr. Jumpy-Legs scootered up to the Titanium, Platinum, Reinforced, Doomsday Bunker,™ he pulled out a diamond axe from underneath his cap.
After hacking away at the Titanium, Platinum, Reinforced, Doomsday Bunker™ for hours, Mr. Jumpy-Legs finally broke through. But what did he see when he menacingly skittered through the sparkly metal dust stuff he broke off with his diamond axe? Todd waiting for him, with his own diamond axe!
So, there was obviously only one thing for it...
A DIAMOND AXE SWORDFIGHTING BATTLE!
They fought, and fought, and fought, and at one point whipped, for hours on end, until finally it looked like Mr. Jumpy-Legs was soon to be done for. That is, until he pulled out his secret weapon… a drink bottle (stolen) full of sea water (free) and splashed it on Todd’s face!
Todd screamed and ducked, but luckily it was so hot in the bunker that the water turned to steam before it even touched Todd.
Now it was Mr. Jumpy-Leg’s turn to scream, in insane frustration! You see, Mr. Jumpy-Legs was cold-blooded and the heat was slowly killing him, he was running out of time, and fast!
So, he decided it was time to make his getaway, but not before delivering this menacing message:
“I WILL FIND YOU, TODD, AND I WILL WATER YOU, AND AT LAST. THERE. WILL. BE. PEACE!!!”
Todd was now absolutely sure that Mr. Jumpy-Legs was a creepo maniac and reported him to ASIS.
They soon found him hiding in the depths of the Brazilian jungle under the alias of Guy Susento and he was airlifted away to a secure facility. Even securer than a Titanium, Platinum, Reinforced, Doomsday Bunker™ you ask? Why yes, spies have their ways.
The moral of the story is: WHIP WHIP WHIP WHIP WHIPPPPPP!!!!
The End
Written by two bored sisters.