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Justin peers over to the alarm clock next to his bed.
3am.
He silently groans and covers his eyes with his forearms. He’s been lying in bed for the past two hours, trying to will himself to sleep but it doesn’t come. He thinks it’s because he’s been itching to get high this past week.
His Psych 101 final exam is next week, and he’s worried that he won’t do well on the exam, despite the number of hours he’s been putting in at the library. Overall, he would say that his first semester at Sanderson has been quite a learning curve. He now has weekly meetups with his study group buddies, has finally learned how to use a calendar to remind him of upcoming exam dates and homework assignments, and is typically the first student to sign up for a professor’s office hours. A complete 180 from his high school days.
He doesn’t know how to explain it – the change from before. Maybe it’s because he finally started believing in himself during senior year of high school. Or because they were able to finalize the adoption proceedings before he and Clay graduated, marking it as the beginning of the next chapter of their lives. Whatever it was, Justin had never been more optimistic on the outlook on his life.
Of course, he still had his bad days. The days where he wanted to get fucked and shitfaced and not give a damn about the consequences. But he hadn’t - at least not yet.
Matt and Lainie decide to send him to Dr. Ellman after they came back from dropping Clay off at Brown. Realizing that both Clay and Justin had been through a lot in the last year – more so than other typical teenage boys – they thought it wouldn’t be such a bad idea if they had Dr. Ellman checked in on Justin. At first, Justin was resistant to the idea of therapy, claiming that he was fine and didn’t need to see a shrink. However, after his first session, he starts to warm up to the idea of weekly sessions with Dr. Ellman.
“Maybe for the first semester, honey. Since you’re going through a major transition right now,” Lainie advises.
Justin doesn’t think the first session cured him of all his self-doubt or shame surrounding his past. But it did bring a bit of closure that he didn’t realize he needed.
“I understand that you’ve experienced a lot of changes in the last year. At Liberty. At home. Is that safe to say, Justin?” Dr. Ellman asked in their first session. Ten minutes had gone by and so far, the doctor had only received one-word answers from the teenage boy.
Justin picked at his fingers, “Yeah, I guess so.”
“I imagine it’s a lot to adjust to. Juvie. Getting adopted by the Jensens. Graduation. And now you’re starting college in a week.”
Justin let out a nervous laugh, “Yeah, I guess?”
Dr. Ellman sat back and observed his patient. This young 18-year-old who has made it his life’s mission to not let down his guard except to those closest to him. One who thinks that getting sent to the shrink’s office means that there’s something deeply wrong with him or that he did something wrong to have deserved this. “Why don’t we try this? Why do you think you’re here, Justin?”
“Because Matt and Lainie asked me to come,” he responded in a very matter-of-fact tone.
“But you could have said no. They don’t seem like the type to ignore their child’s wishes,” Dr. Ellman challenged.
Justin shrugged, “It was the least I could do.”
“Is it possible that a small part of you said yes because you also thought that you need counseling?”
Justin shrugged again, “I don’t know. I feel fine. I’m clean. I’m going to college. It’s every kid’s dream, right?”
“So everything’s perfect then?’
Justin threw his hands up in frustration, “Shouldn't it be? I have a roof over my head. I never have to worry about what’s for dinner. I have two parents who freaking care so much about me, always asking me about my day and letting me go on and on about it.”
"Sometimes it’s a bit more complicated than that.” Dr. Ellman suggested.
It was safe to say that the first session had taken a lot more out of Justin than he expected. But at the same time, he felt like a weight had been lifted off of him. He came home after his session, immediately collapsing onto his bed. He didn’t know how sleep could have easily overcome him, but he didn’t want to fight it. He slept into the early hours of the following morning, waking up feeling lighter than ever.
Sleep came easily then, not like how it was right now.
Justin grabs his phone and sends a text to Clay.
Justin: Are you awake?
Moments later, his phone buzzes in his hand. Incoming call from Clay Jensen.
He answers immediately, “Hey Clay.”
“Justin, is everything okay?” Clay asks. Justin can hear a mix of sleepiness and concern from Clay’s tone.
“Everything’s okay,” Justin says, trying to keep his voice from shaking. “I just- I can’t sleep.”
“Oh,” Clay says. Justin hears some rustling before he hears a door creak open and closed from Clay’s end. “Sorry, I just left my dorm room. My roommate is a light sleeper,” Clay whispers.
“My bad. I didn’t mean to wake you up,” Justin says, now feeling bad for bothering him.
“It’s fine. I had to get up early anyways,” Clay says. They both know that he’s lying, but Justin doesn’t care. It was always good to hear Clay’s voice even though he knew he would be seeing Clay in a few days for winter break. “So what’s up?”
Justin rubs his eyes and looks over to Clay’s bed on the opposite side of the room, “I don’t know. I think I’m just stressed. Final exams and all.” Clay stays silent for a moment, prompting Justin to say that maybe this was a bad idea and tells him to go back to bed.
“Justin, it’s our first semester of college. Of course, you’re stressed. So am I.”
“You are?” Justin says in absolute shock. “But you’re like a fucking genius.”
Clay scoffs, “Not here, I’m not. The people here at Brown make me look one of Liberty’s dumb jocks.”
“Hey, I was one of Liberty’s dumb jocks,” Justin feigns offence.
“You know what I mean,” Clay says.
Justin nods but doesn’t say anything.
“Mom tells me that you’ve got a final exam coming up,” Clay adds. “How’s that going?”
Justin smiles, “Piece of cake. Or at least it should be. It’s my favorite class so far and I really like the professor.”
“That’s good. Are you any closer to figuring out what you want to major in?”
“I think maybe social work or psychology. I don’t know, I haven’t decided yet,” Justin says proudly. After all, these two probably made the most sense for him, given who he was, where he came from. That desire to be good, to do good, all modeled by Clay. If there was a chance that he could do the same for others, Justin would gladly take it.
“Yeah, that definitely sounds like it’d be a great fit for you,” Clay says encouragingly.
Justin smiles and exhales, “Yeah...”
When the boys first started living together in the outhouse, late night talks happened on a semi-frequent basis. Either brother would toss and turn endlessly into the night until the other one finally asked them what was going on. Whenever Justin had something on his mind, he’d always start off with something ridiculously, telling Clay about his day or sharing fun facts he had learned from class, before he’d get to the thing that was actually bothering him.
“I really want to get high right now,” Justin finally admits.
“Okay,” Clay says, trying not to show his internal panic through the shakiness of his breath. “Well, don’t.”
Justin scoffs, “Gee, Clay. Real helpful, bro.”
Clay isn’t great with motivational pep talks. After everything they’ve been through, both boys promising to do anything for each other, it often goes unsaid in terms of how far one brother would be willing to go to protect the other. But in this case, Clay doesn’t know how to protect Justin from himself, especially when he’s 3000 miles away and can’t forcibly prevent Justin from going down to the docks and scoring.
The silence goes on for too long, and Clay thinks he needs to say something encouraging before this takes a worse turn. “But if you do... we’ll still be there for you. Me, Mom, and Dad. We’ll still love you no matter what.”
Justin grimaces, almost as if he’s in actual pain. He’s glad that Clay isn’t here to see him wipe away his tears. He keeps his phone on his ear as he curls his body into a semi-fetal position on his bed. His voice wavered, “Thanks, Clay.”
“Do you want me to call Mom and Dad for you?” Clay offers.
Justin thinks back to what Dr. Ellman said in one of his previous sessions. The doctor’s voice entered his mind, reminding Justin that we were all deserving of love, to let others help bear some of the burden in being human. Justin had told him that he didn't deserve the Jensens’ kindness and love, not when he’s proven time and time again to be untrustworthy and bad and undependable.
“This takes years of self-work, Justin, but one day you’re going to get to a point where you begin to think that maybe you’ve been going about this the wrong way. If roles were reversed and Matt and Lainie were your biological parents and Clay was the one being adopted into your family, would you let him think that he was unworthy or underserving of you or your parents’ love?” Dr. Ellman asked.
“Of course not,” he said confidently. “But Clay would never have been stupid enough to get hooked on heroin or end up homeless.”
Dr. Ellman shook his head, “You don’t know that, Justin. He would have done anything he could to survive, just like you did. If you knew what happened, would you have let him carry that shame or burden alone?”
Justin was at a loss for words. Was that what it was? This crushing fear and anxiety, the thought of being found out after months on the street, with nowhere to go, always on edge out of fear for the predators nearby.
Dr. Ellman leaned closer to Justin, “It’s not about survival anymore, Justin. Start thinking about how you want to live. But I want to caution you that living or even thriving only works if you let people in. Now you don’t have to let everyone in, but you also don’t have to be alone anymore.”
“Justin, are you there?” Clay asks, snapping Justin back to the present moment. He can hear the concern bubbling from Clay’s voice.
Justin clears his throat, “Yeah, I’m here. Sorry.”
“Do you want me to get Mom and Dad?” Clay asks again.
Justin takes a moment to think about this. He wants to get better. He really does, but at what cost is to everyone else, to Matt and Lainie who already poured thousands of dollars getting him into rehab, to Clay trying to talk him down on the phone right now? But maybe this is what needs to change. He tried staying clean on his own before, and that only landed him closer to death’s door. What if asking for help was the answer to all of this? Would it hurt to try?
“Justin?”
“Yeah, sorry. Um- yeah. Maybe- you could text Matt and Lainie for me. Don’t call them or wake them up right now. But just let them know that I’m...”
“But what if you-”
“I won’t,” Justin says adamantly. “They’ll be up in a few hours and I’ll talk to them then. For now- I guess if you wouldn’t mind staying on the phone with me, just for a little bit longer...”
Clay exhales, “Okay, whatever you need.” He decides to trust Justin’s word and have faith in his brother. Clay doesn’t know what else to say so he decides to talk about what he’s been doing for his robotics class. He goes on for a little while about the classes he’s been taking and the people he’s met. He keeps talking until he realizes that he hasn’t heard Justin respond or make an off-handed comment in awhile. “Justin?”
He hears light snoring on the other end and smiles to himself. Clay looks at the time on his phone. 5:30am. Mom and Dad will be up soon, he thinks. “I’m proud of you, Justin,” Clay whispers into the phone before he hangs up.
Without opening his eyes, he hears incessant typing coming from inside the outhouse. He sits up quickly, expecting to see Clay somehow already home earlier than expected, but his face falls when he sees that it’s only Matt sitting at their kitchen table.
“Hey champ,” Matt says, smiling at him, while he has a pen in his mouth. He takes his glasses off and walks over to take a seat on Justin’s bed. “How you feeling?”
Justin rubs his eyes and yawns, “I’m okay, I think.” Justin looks at the time on his alarm clock. 9:47am. “Wait, aren’t you supposed to be hosting your office hours right now?”
“I moved them online,” Matt says nonchalantly. “But between you and me, nobody ever shows up.”
Justin lets out a small laugh, staring down at his comforter. “So am I under house arrest now?”
“For what?”
“You know...” Justin says, now twiddling his fingers. He’s trying his best not to make eye contact with Matt.
“The way Lainie and I see it...” Matt begins to say. “We are so damn proud of you, Justin.”
Justin finally looks up and meets Matt’s eyes. He scoffs and starts shaking his head, “What are you talking about? I wanted to get high last night.”
“But you didn’t. That’s all that matters. You reached out for help,” Matt calmly explains. “Last night could have gone terribly wrong. We could have gotten a call that you OD’d. Or worse.”
“I’m sorry I keep disappointing you guys.”
“Oh, Justin. You haven’t disappointed us at all. As parents, the only thing we can ask for is our kids to be happy and healthy. So the next time you feel like things are getting too much, come to us. We can even come up with a code word or something. You just say it and we’ll be there, no questions asked.”
Justin smiles, “Really? You mean it?”
“Of course, son,” Matt says. “I know recovery isn’t easy and it isn’t something that’s linear either. But you’ll always have us. You know that, right? We’ll always love you.”
Justin leans forward and takes the old man in for a hug. “Thank you,” he whispers.
Matt smiles and pats his son’s back. “Alright, how about some pancakes?”
Justin’s smile grows even wider at the mere mention of his favorite breakfast food. Matt gets up to go warm them up while Justin gets out of bed. He grabs his phone and sends a quick text to Clay before he heads into the main house.
Justin: Thanks, Clay.
He knows that he will continue to have bad days like today, that even when everything seems to be going right, something will end up going wrong. And it’s up to him to lean on the family he’s built, the one that will completely drop everything to be there for him, whether he wants them to or not.