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It was late by the time they’d finished their post season celebration- it was a little surreal to be back with everyone again, just like they had been at the beginning. Except now, instead of a sea of faces that blurred together- they knew each other now, in the sort of way that could only really come from living through such a hellish reality tv show together.
From the high energy of their reunion around the campfire to the soft, lulling voices echoing in the shuttle back to the loser’s motel for the last time, for one last night- away from Camp Tipiskaw for good- something that had become James’ life so fully and completely, even in this short time, that it was hard to really wrap his head around the fact it was over.
Aiden had been bursting with nervous, giddy energy for the last few hours, but by the time they got onto the bus, shuffled in next to each other, and finally pulled away, onto the long, dark road- it didn’t take long for him to drift off, head resting against his shoulder, hand clasping loosely onto James’ own. It seemed the weight of the day had finally gotten to him. Really, he had been handling all the emotional whiplash extremely well, all things considered. From that terrible, pained look of betrayal to the blood curdling cries of panic- well, it was a little hard to believe he got to see him like this now, resting peacefully against his arm. He looked so at ease he could feel it welling up in his chest, and really, he’d do anything to make sure that he continued feeling so safe and content.
He had been remiss to nudge him from sleep when they arrived, although a little less so when he watched him blink up at him tiredly, brief confusion replaced with a soft smile, all for him.
They had all exchanged their goodnights, promised to talk more in the morning, in the few hours before they were finally released from the grasp of this show, away from each other. Aiden lingered a little too close to his side, and he offered to walk him to his assigned room. He had happily agreed, clinging tightly onto his arm and chattering on about whatever came to mind as they walked a little too slowly to his room.
“...You could come in for a bit,” Aiden offered suddenly, a little uncertainly, after they had been lingering outside his door for several minutes. “If you want to. I’m sure no one would… I mean, you don’t have to go back to your own room.”
It was an easy choice, despite the uncertainty on both ends- not as if either of them really had any desire to leave the other’s side, to go and spend the night laying alone in an empty bed letting the reality of everything sink in instead of sleeping, not when they were about to leave each other to go back to their own lives, if only for the short while until they could coordinate another meeting.
.
It wasn’t exactly the same hungry desperation he had experienced in the past, any other time he had found himself liplocked with another person, alone in some room with no one else to see- kissing Aiden, sitting on the edge of his bed next to him, finally on their own, away from cameras and prying eyes. Which was odd- he still felt hungry, felt so desperate for him. It was eating him alive, actually- it was hard to remember wanting anything quite so much as he wanted, needed Aiden next to him, the feeling of his warm skin, the confirmation of his steady breathing against him, those blinding smiles and the perfect, smooth voice that spilled from his lips, speaking right to him like he was the only one in the world who could see through the wall he had been surrounded by for so long. Maybe this was the best way he knew to express all those hard to explain feelings bubbling out of him, right now. He just needed to be close to him, needed to let out the reverence threatening to claw its way up out of his throat.
Aiden wasn’t exactly a skilled kisser, but he was far from bad- His lack of experience had given him the impression that he might be a little more reserved, tentative, but he had an intensity about him that quickly dismissed that idea from his mind. He dug his fingers into his arms tightly, pulled him down to his level firmly, in the way he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about since their first kiss, licked and nibbled into his mouth with a ferocity that made it easy enough to forget he hadn’t done this before.
The sounds echoing softly in the room were intoxicating, messy kisses and soft grunts and gorgeous little moans. James’ hands drifted down to hold firmly at Aiden’s waist, and he hummed enthusiastically into his mouth.
Almost unconsciously, a finger drifted down to the line where Aiden’s shirt disappeared behind his belt, and Aiden jerked away.
His own hands flew back, hanging awkwardly at his sides as he took in the sight before him- Aiden had pulled away sharply, like the contact had hurt him, pushing off of his shoulders to put space between them but still holding his arms out weakly, like he was reaching out. There was some emotion he couldn’t read shining in his wide eyes, almost like he himself hadn’t entirely processed what had just happened.
James could hear the words tumbling out of his mouth before he could really even think about what he was saying, too seized by sharp guilt and panic piercing through his heart. “I’m sorry, I’m- I didn’t mean to push you too far, I don’t-”
“It’s fine,” Aiden said quickly, effectively cutting him off. He let his arms fall, bracing himself on either side, and his gaze fixed on the empty bed beside him. “It’s not… that wasn’t your fault, I’m just… Not ready right now. I didn’t mean to, um…” He was looking down at nothing with a frightening intensity, and the room fell into a silence that made James’ hair stand on end.
“No, I shouldn’t have… I really didn’t mean to-”
Aiden clenched his eyes shut tight. “Stop, stop, I don’t… Seriously, it’s ok. I…” He turned to face him, briefly, something painfully genuine shining in his pretty eyes. “I want it too, I just… can’t right now. And you… There’s something I need to tell you, anyways. …I was going to say something earlier,” he added, words rushing out a little too quickly, “but I’m really not ready for this to get broadcast on international tv, and…” He crossed his arms in front of his chest, squeezing tight. “And I’m scared,” he finished, voice breaking in a way that made his chest ache. He fought the urge to reach a hand out to comfort him, still thoroughly conflicted on what to do, in what any of this was about.
“You don’t need to be scared with me,” James supplied weakly, trying his best not to let his voice wobble. “...You really don’t have to tell me if you’re not ready.”
“No, I… I do. I want to.” He took a deep, sharp breath, like he was bracing himself to snap a bone back into place. “The scars I was talking about earlier…I need to tell you where I got them from. It’s really not something I like talking about. But I don’t want to hide myself from you.”
He hated seeing Aiden like this, so small and uncertain, but he really had no idea what the right thing to say in this situation was. He wrung his hands out idly, helplessly, trying his best to redirect the nervous energy. He hadn’t thought too much about his scars since he had first mentioned them- with the chaos that had blurred his world shortly after, and because he had meant it when he said nothing like that would have any bearing on the way he felt about him. More than the scars themselves, he found himself worrying over how to help him feel comfortable talking about whatever it was that weighed on him so heavily. Maybe part of that was opening himself up and proving to him that he was truly committed to being that real, authentic, wreck of a person he had been trying to push down, at least when it came to him. “...You know… if you’ve, uh, hurt yourself, or if that’s something you have trouble with… that’s nothing to be ashamed of. I mean, I-” his voice wavered a little, and he did his best to push on like he wasn’t saying something aloud for the first time, “-have scars like that too.”
Aiden’s face flushed, inexplicably, caught off by how easily the vulnerable confession had flowed from his lips. He sat frozen for several moments, looking like he was doing his best to muster up a proper response when his brain was running so slowly. For a second, it almost looked like he was about to confirm what he was saying, but the look was gone in an instant, replaced by that uneasy determination.
He opened his mouth, and for several seconds no sound came out. He took a deep breath, then did his best to force out the words stuck in his throat. “I’m trans,” he wheezed out more than he said. His eyes flitted about wildly, searching for something, some reaction or facial expression or anything to focus in on “-is what I was going to say. B-but I didn’t even think about that! I mean, I have those, too. Wh-what a mess, right? I mean- God, no, I didn’t mean it like that, I’m-”
Finally, James’ hands found their way back to Aiden’s shoulders, and that seemed to ground him, a little, frantic words falling dead on his lips, eyes fixing firmly onto his own. “H-hey, it’s ok… You don’t have to explain yourself to me.” Aiden sat motionless in front of him, although something unreadable shifted in his expression, his brow furrowing slightly, leaning forwards almost imperceptibly. James tightened his grip on his shoulders, irrationally, like he was worried that he might slip away. He racked his brain for the right words to say. “...Thanks for telling me,” he said dumbly, quietly, barely above a whisper. “That doesn’t change how I feel about you. I promise, I…” Aiden was looking at him so intently it was a little hard to form a coherent thought. “I love-” That was the wrong thing to say, he realized as soon as the word left his mouth, alarm blaring inside his head, backtrack, backtrack- “...being around you. Being with you. Like this. Just sitting here and talking. I just want you here with me.”
Aiden crumbled forward without warning, slumping against his chest, wrapping his arms around him tighter than he would’ve thought him capable- He was shaking, just slightly, and James pulled him close, running a hand up and down his back, letting the other card through his hair. “Ok,” he finally said, after a silence that seemed to stretch on forever, and he sounded so tired, but a little less small than before. He could feel his muscles relaxing, sinking into him. “...Cool. Um, thanks.” He seemed much less tense now, but there was still an awkward air hanging over them, far different from what it had been before.
James hummed softly. “...I really didn’t mean to take things so fast. I’ll wait as long as it takes till you’re ready. I-if you want to at all. That doesn’t matter to me.” He nuzzled gently into his hair, savoring the feeling of his chest rising and falling steadily against his own. His heart was still racing. “I really care about you, Aiden. I’ve never really… I’ve never really had anything as serious as this, before,” he admitted, voice flopping awkwardly. “We can take things slow. There’s no rush for… anything, right?” He had to do his best to remind himself there was no reason to be so worried about losing him again. Aiden was here, in his arms. As if he would let anything else happen to him.
“Ok,” Aiden mumbled, and finally it sounded like some of the built up tension was leaving his voice. “...Well, you’re allowed to kiss me,” he said softly, slyly, peeping out from his chest and looking up at him with soft, wet eyes. A sort of adoration played across his face, and it knocked the breath from his lungs- he leaned forwards like some cosmic force pulled him closer to Aiden, pressing their lips together softly. They stayed there for a moment before Aiden pulled back, pressing his forehead to brush against his own. “Thank you,” he said again. “...Uh, I meant what I said earlier, though. If you want to stay tonight, I mean. If you still want to …I’d like that.”
James smiled widely, leaning back to fully look at Aiden, hands draping over his shoulders loosely. “There’s nowhere I’d rather be, Sunshine. I’m flattered, but aren’t you worried your sweet little teddy bear will start to get jealous? What, am I really that much better?”
Aiden rolled his eyes, grin threatening to spill over his face as he pushed James away playfully. “Oh, shut up. As if you really had to ask…” He pressed a quick peck against his nose, then let his eyes linger for a moment, as if he was looking at something precious. “...I’m gonna go get ready for bed.” He pushed himself up to his feet reluctantly.
“Mm, sounds good. I think I could sleep for a day straight, after today.”
Aiden hummed his acknowledgement, then hesitated in front of him for a moment. “...I really appreciate this. You. It’s hard for me to talk about. All of that stuff. But I want to, eventually. I just mean… It isn’t because I don’t trust you. I do.” His eyes were shining. James felt a little lightheaded.
“I’ll be here, however long it takes,” he said easily, and Aiden leaned down to kiss him on the cheek before turning away.