Work Text:
||Don't read if you're gonna get all
offended or triggered or anything, though the tags bacially say everything.||
Ashton sighed as he played around on his phone, switching apps over and over, unable to find anything to distract him from the boredom he felt.
Was it even boredom? Emptiness was basically the same thing, and that's what he felt. Empty.
Maybe boredom was just another word people used for it, it didn't really matter though.
He looked around at his 3 best friends, chatting aimlessly in the hotel they stayed at.
Calum was arguing with Luke about his so called 'screen watching' whilst they played call of duty. Michael payed no attention to them, using their distracted states to his advantage as he shot the both of them.
Ashton loved Luke a lot. And Luke knew, Ashton told him a few weeks ago. And although Luke was flattered, his feelings weren't returned.
Nothing changed between them, though.
Deciding to cook something for distraction, Ashton stood and left to the small kitchen. However as he took out eggs and flour, planning to make pancakes, he suddenly lost all motivation.
Losing motivation wasn't uncommon. He wasn't ever really motivated anymore.
"You all good there, Ash?" Calum looked at Ashton with a comforting grin.
All the boys had noticed Ashton's quiet state lately, assuming it was just him becoming a little exhausted from the tour and all the extra work they were having to do. They took it easy on him, always making sure he was feeling alright, and urging him to go to bed earlier so he felt less sleepy.
"I'm alright." Ashton smiled tiredly at him. Calum nodded and went back to the game, complaining that Luke had shot him while he wasn't facing the screen.
Instead of cooking, he decided on bathing and wandered into the bathroom.
Usually a shower was Ashton's first choice, no doubt. A bath is just bathing in your own filth, and to most people that was disgusting.
It used to be completed unthinkable for Ashton as well. Until he no longer cared, and he now procrastinated showers and baths for days often.
He put a plug in the hotel's fancy looking bath. The taps were golden and there was expensive looking shampoo and soaps laying around the edges of the tub.
Ashton turned on the hot water, not even bothering with the cold. Maybe the burn would distract him further.
He stood up, taking his shirt off and staring at himself in the mirror.
Biceps were visible, abs prominent, Thighs thick and muscular. A lot of boys would dream to have his toned, tanned body. Although it's not like Ashton cared too much about it anymore, what was the point?
He slowly slid his pants and boxers off his legs and stepped out of them, kicking them off to the side. The opposite direction from his shirt.
Nothing mattered and time didn't exist. God wasn't real and his friends were ignorant to everything, and yet they were always smiling. Laughing and feeling the best they ever have over something as small as video games or pizza.
Ashton sighed again, gripping his hair with both hands and pulled his head down as tears started to fall. He sobbed silently as he slid down the wall and onto the floor.
He couldn't ever go back to his ignorance, he would always be hyper aware of everything. Way too aware of how meaningless his breathing was. Way too aware of how his love for Luke didn't matter.
Minutes passed and he finally felt the strength to stand up again. He took deep, shaky breath and looked for his toothbrush.
Until he noticed the pair of hairdressing scissors laying next to the sink. Michael must have been cutting his own hair again.
Ashton picked them up thoughtlessly, spun them in between his fingers as if it were his drumstick. He held the pair up to his face, looking intently, as if examining them.
"It wouldn't matter, the world would go on." Ashton quietly stated to himself, so quietly even himself could barely understand. But it was enough for him to feel a wave of pressure. He felt full, like he would burst.
The pressure in his head hurt, it was as if all the blood suddenly rushed up to his brain and it hurt. It was too much, He bit his chapped bottom lip, hard, and swung his head back, refraining from screaming despite the pain.
He slid down the wall once again and fell to the floor, legs in front of him and back against the wall.
He needed release, to get the blood out, stop the pain. He felt too numb to even care as Ashton grabbed Michael's scissors and jabbed them harshly into his arm, stabbing himself.
It fucking hurt. He couldn't even bring himself to care though as he pulled them out, seeing the blood flow.
Ashton felt happy, for the first time in a long while. He only now realised what he had the power of doing, how he could end his endless boredom.
Biting his lip, the scissors sliced across his left thigh, over and over. Shapes and patterns were created and the only sounds that were heard was the tearing of his flesh, and the distant laughter of his friends playing black ops.
He did it, over and over. Moving to the other leg after one was covered in too much dark crimson to see what he was doing.
He used his left arm to slice up his right arm, up and down a few
times. Probably too deep to be even considered safe.
He then stabbed his right leg a few times, only about a centimetre deep before going back to slicing and cutting it up like paper.
After his right leg was in an even worse state than his left, he started to feel very lightheaded, he thought maybe he could wash off in the bath. The bath that was now overflowing its boiling water onto the floor.
Ashton's legs wouldn't move, so he gripped the side of the tub and pulled himself with every fibre of strength he had left. He pulled and lifted himself enough to be able to fall into the water.
He rolled around under the water so he was facing up, vision even more blurry now that water covered his eyes, he could see it slowly starting to turn red.
Ashton smiled weakly, despite everything. This didn't feel boring. It was probably the most interesting thing he had done in a long while.
He started to feel tired, not like when you go to bed at 3 am. But more like when you faint after hitting your head. Or when you have a panic attack and fall asleep from all the energy you had used shaking.
Ashton felt his body jerk and twitch a few times, he decided it was because the lack of oxygen.
Whilst his eyes slid shut, Ashton used his lasting energy to smile whilst hearing Michael laugh loudly as Calum yelled profanity, probably at the television.