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Jonathan's foot hit the door again, hard. Then again, and again, and again, thundering in the tiny room that he and Nancy were trapped in.
"Jonathan, stop…" Nancy tried, watching from the floor as he tried again with his shoulder, his back heaving and his body shaking as he pressed against the white-goop-turned-concrete covered door, slamming the palm of his hand against the spot right above where the handle used to be. She continued, "Stop. The last thing we need is to hurt ourselves."
Jonathan slumped immediately, pushing off the door and slowly loping his way over to her, and Nancy's eyes flicked over him, assessing the damage he had done to himself in his feeble attempt to get them out. He was so skinny, she was sure he would be covered in bruises before long. Hell, he was so skinny that she was surprised his hip hadn't popped out of place with the force he had exerted kicking the door.
"Yeah… Yeah, you're right." He said, slowly dropping in front of her, running a hand through his sweaty hair.
Silence descended over them as Nancy breathed, her nose filled with the awful chemical and char smell of whatever goop they were covered in. She picked at some that remained stuck to the material of her pants, scratched at it with her broken nail until it finally broke free and peeled up, fluttering to the floor like dry paint.
It should've been awkward, sitting there alone with him just moments after they had ended their relationship, but the truth was that it wasn't. Not at all. A weight had been lifted off of her shoulders, one that she hadn't even fully noticed the burden of until it was gone, one that had been hanging on her back for longer than she cared to admit.
"Well, what now?" Jonathan asked.
Nancy laughed, dry, shaking her head, "Got any more confessions?" She asked, though her heart clenched at her own words, racing in her chest. Jonathan didn't seem to notice, just huffing out a little laugh as he leaned back on his hands.
"Not unless you do." He said with a smile.
It was meant as a lighthearted joke but, still, Nancy's throat tightened, a pressure behind her eyes threatening to spill tears that hadn't even fallen upon the realization that they were stuck with no way out.
But she had felt stuck for a long time, now. And the metaphorical floodgates had opened but… Not everything had been brought to light. Not yet.
Something was weighing on her, a lead weight in the pit of her stomach that she had been dragging with her for months now, but that she had successfully buried beneath a mountain of avoidance and fear. Something that had twisted in her stomach the moment Jonathan had asked that dreaded question: "Space to see someone else?"
"Nance?" Jonathan asked, rubbing his shoulder as he looked her over, "You okay?"
Nancy huffed out a breath, closing her eyes and forcing herself to nod, "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." She said, hating the way her tongue felt heavy around the words. Jonathan didn't look convinced, his eyebrows scrunching together in that way that meant she'd been caught. Her heart twisted again.
"If you've got something you want to talk about…" Jonathan said slowly, "I mean… Surely it can't be more difficult to get out than our previous conversation."
Nancy laughed, hating how wet it sounded and how Jonathan's eyes immediately grew more concerned. She swallowed, her mouth dry as she wrapped her arms around herself, and looked at him.
Jonathan. The same Jonathan that walked through the woods with her, hunting monsters, their pace even and in-sync even after knowing each other for only a day. The same Jonathan that followed her all the way to Illinois to chase down a P.I. that they knew almost nothing about, just so she could get some closure. Sure, they had stumbled and faltered, and their relationship had twisted into something that they had both been convinced they wanted but that turned out to only be another case of them following what everyone else thought they should be doing: Boy and girl meet, boy and girl fall in love. But Jonathan was right, there was something deeper tying them together. Mutual understanding.
And the truth was, Nancy couldn't imagine any world where Jonathan wasn't one of her best friends. They had just gotten a little lost along the way… But he'd always be there for her, no matter what, she had no doubt about that.
So… Who better to confess her darkest secret to, than the guy that had already seen the best and the worst of her?
And if he hated her… Well, they were probably going to die stuck in that tiny room anyway.
"There is… There is one more thing." Nancy said, forcing her mouth to move. Jonathan's head tilted in curiosity but he said nothing, waiting for her to take the lead, and she felt a flicker of appreciation for him. She continued, taking a deep breath, "I meant it when I said that there's nothing between me and Steve. That it's never been like that. But…" She clenched her hands tighter in her sweater, the dry goop crunching between her fingers and flaking off of the wool.
Jonathan, for his part, caught on fast. He leaned forward, placing his forearms on his knees as he gave her all of his focus and attention, saying, "But there's someone else."
Thankfully, he didn't look too upset, mainly concerned, maybe a little confused. Clearly, he had had no clue as to what was simmering beneath the surface all those months. The little smoldering fire that she hadn't even known had been building into a raging flame.
He must have been too focused on Steve to realize that there was another person that had effortlessly captured his girlfriend's devotion.
"Yeah… Yeah, there is." Nancy said, swallowing as she closed her eyes and tried to force back all the pain and anxiety that she had hidden within herself. She continued, "I mean, not someone that… It's not…" She shook her head, "It's not a thing. We're not… I wouldn't have."
"I know." Jonathan reassured her, "Even when I…" His words drifted, embarrassment flashing across his face, "I mean… I never thought you would."
Nancy nodded, breathing through the silence that descended over them.
"But… There was someone— is someone… Someone you like?" He prodded, his expression concerned again.
"Yeah..." Nancy swallowed, pain rushing through her as she thought about it, about the terror of the unknown that had filled her when she realized that the electricity that had sparked goosebumps over her skin during Spring Break was due to more than just the excitement of gaining a new friend. That she was feeling something she wasn't supposed to. What was supposed to be natural responses; attraction, chemistry, desire, love… All pointed in the wrong direction. Or, what people might think was the wrong direction…
Her eyes escaping Steve and his broad shoulders, his perfect hair, and instead finding themselves drawn like magnets… to…
"Who is he?" Jonathan asked, so kind and careful even as he tried to hide the way his face twisted with a flicker of pain.
Nancy's breath escaped her all at once, something between a manic laugh and a sob.
"Not…" Her chest clenched, her ribs sore from where she clutched at them to keep herself from trembling, a tear finally escaping even as she fought it. Her voice was ragged, torn apart, as she continued, "Not a he…"
She forced her eyes open, forced herself to watch Jonathan's reaction. He seemed to take a second to process it, his eyes going distant as he stared somewhere just over her shoulder. She saw the moment the lightbulb flickered behind his eyes, his gaze snapping to meet her own as his face went a little slack, his eyes wide and his eyebrows disappearing under his messy hair.
"Oh…" Jonathan said, and Nancy felt herself shatter, pulling her knees to her chest like a kid, hiding the one, two, three tears that streamed down her cheeks and soaked into the ruined denim of her jeans. Fear laid over her like a blanket, an old friend that she had thought she learned how to avoid, and she nearly laughed at how ridiculous the situation felt.
She was trapped in a nightmarish demension, in a room with no exit. Her sister was missing and her parents were in the hospital, she and her little brother were fighting a supernatural battle that she was starting to become afraid was actually unwinnable. And yet even though she was quite possibly about to die— if the floor underneath them decided to turn to goop again or if whatever it was she had shot decided to explode and turn them all back into atoms— she was crying because she felt like she was broken for wanting a girl, for wanting her best friend, again.
For wanting Robin.
For wanting her as she ranted about the films she had watched, or the old, dusty music she had found in the back of WSQK. For wanting her during the quiet nights, sleepovers where their elbows brushed beneath the covers, and during the loud mornings when Nancy turned 94.5 up so she wouldn't have to listen to her own thoughts, caught in Rockin' Robin's banter and bite.
For wanting her constantly, and for never being able to fully convince herself it was entirely wrong to want her like that. To want Robin like a man was supposed to. To want her like she should've wanted a man.
A spot of warmth bloomed against her side and she felt Jonathan's hip press against hers, just barely, and his arm came to rest around her shoulders hesitantly as he pulled her towards him. She nearly collapsed with the relief, which didn't help her fight against the tears that ran down her cheeks.
"Hey…" His hand smoothed down her sleeve comfortingly, but Nancy didn't pick her head up, "Nancy… It's okay."
"It's not…" Nancy said into her knees, hating how wet her voice sounded. She sniffed, trying to wipe her eyes with her sleeve, "It's not okay. And it's so stupid to be so caught up on something like this when everything's falling apart but… God… I tried, Jonathan. I tried to make it stop and I couldn't. I feel like such a… such a creep." She sniffled again, scrubbing her face with her hands.
Jonathan held her tighter, his fingers pressing into the muscle of her upper arm a little painfully. Enough to keep her grounded, even if that wasn't his intention. She scoffed, shaking her head with a little sour laugh.
"I've been there… The feeling like a creep part, I mean." Jonathan said, joking in that awkward way he did, and Nancy couldn't help herself but to laugh a little again. He continued, "If it helps, I don't think you're a creep. I think… I think she'd be lucky to have you."
"You don't think it's disgusting?" Nancy asked, biting her lip to keep the tears from escaping once again. She could handle hate, he couldn't tell her anything she hadn't told herself a million times over while she tried and failed to keep her mind away from Robin. But coming from Jonathan…? It had the potential to break her.
"Of course not, are you kidding?" He exclaimed like the idea was absolutely absurd, then blushed a little bit at his outburst, rubbing her arm again, "I just mean… Nancy, you should know I don't buy into that shit like what your dad spews. And I might even…" He huffed out a breath of air, tearing his gaze away from her, "I might even… understand. A little bit, at least."
Nancy couldn't stop her jaw from dropping, shock rolling through her as she looked up at Jonathan's blushing face, "Really?" She asked, disbelief tinging her voice. He laughed a little, scratching his neck nervously.
"Yeah… I mean…" He shook his head, "I— I don't want you to think I didn't love you. I did. Especially… Especially at first. I wasn't lying. I just… It's something that's always been there, y'know? Something I tried to avoid."
Nancy nodded, understanding racing through her. Mutual understanding. Her mouth twitched into a little smile. Shared trauma.
The disgust in her chest simmered into something more manageable, looking at Jonathan and knowing he had felt something similar. A weight fell off her shoulders, her lungs finally expanding with the first good breath of air she felt like she'd been able to breathe since she was fifteen years old, wondering why her heart raced when her best friend laced their fingers together.
Jonathan knew. He knew and he understood.
God, she wished she had said something before.
"Yeah…" She bit her lip, relief loosening her posture as she sighed, "Yeah I get that. I mean… I've been running from it ever since…" She closed her eyes tight, "Barb… Ever since Barb. And then now…" She stopped herself before she could continue, swallowing. It was one thing saying she liked girls, even that she had liked her childhood best friend. But Jonathan knew Robin. If they got out of there, they'd be running right back to where she was. The idea of having her feelings known by someone other than herself, even if it was just Jonathan, was terrifying.
Jonathan must've seen her struggle to say her name, because he just smiled, holding her tighter, and said: "Robin."
Nancy's heart dropped, looking up at Jonathan in shock, but he just smiled at her, all kindness, and laughed.
"How did you know?" She asked, watching him carefully, but there was still no malice behind his gaze. If anything, he seemed a hell of a lot lighter than he had just a few hours before. Hell, he seemed even lighter than he had after their break up, and that was saying something.
"Nancy, I'm gonna be very brutally honest when I say this, alright?" He paused, as if waiting for her to object, but she was too confused to open her mouth so he continued on, "You don't have very many friends."
Nancy shoved him with her shoulder, a little harder than she probably should've, but he laughed anyway.
"Asshole…" She sighed, a laugh escaping, "But…Yes, it's her." Nancy said, unable to keep the smile off of her face as she thought about the girl. Robin Buckley and her wild hair, her ringed fingers, her quick wit and soothing voice and the feeling of comfort and ease she was able to spark in Nancy's soul without even trying.
"She's cool." Jonathan said, his lips pressed together in a tight smile, clearly unsure what he was supposed to say next. But, because he was Jonathan, he figured something out pretty quick, "I… I think you'd be good together."
"It's not gonna happen." Nancy said immediately, shaking her head, trying to keep her own emotions in check. The last thing she needed was to think about hopeless her crush was, especially considering she may never even see her again, "But… Thank you…"
"Don't mention it. And…" Jonathan hesitated, eyes flicking over Nancy's face again, "Just— Don't count her out. Not yet. You've gotta… You've gotta give yourself something to hope for."
He was right, Nancy knew that, but that didn't make it any less difficult to imagine a scenario where her hope could pan out. Where it could become true. Where she and Robin could be happy, together.
Nancy looked over at Jonathan, at the soft look on his face. Eternally supportive, always there. She probably could've convinced herself she loved him, they could've forced themselves to continue on with the performance of conformity they had been caught in, but…
She had missed her friend.
She laid her head on his shoulder, and he wrapped his arms around her again, head coming to lay on top of hers.
"I hope everything works out for you, Nance." He said, voice barely a whisper even as it wobbled. She felt him take a stuttering breath, a little sigh like he was trying not to cry. She closed her eyes, pressing her temple harder into his shoulder. Something that might've been seen as romantic before, but now only held comfort. Both of their hearts laid bare on the floor.
"I hope everything works out for you, too." She said, and she genuinely meant it.
They sat there, just like that, in the peace that followed until Steve and Dustin finally showed up, busting through the wall behind them. And they finally escaped, free, and with no secrets between them.