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The words got stuck in my tongue, frozen in fear as i stared at her with regret. That cold gaze that seems to be glaring at me, the atmosphere changing to something I couldn’t quite understand . In those few moments, i can tell that i was doomed, that i messed this up.
Then, without even a word, i saw her move. Not towards me. But away from me. She slowly back away, seeing the tears forming at her eyes, staring at me with failure. Theres no emotion at her at all, but i cant feel the disappointment in her look.
I wanted to reach out, that i was wrong, that i didnt mean to say it. But it was too late, the words that i hoped i kept to myself was now messing up with her mind. My hands shook with fear as i watch her figure slowly disappearing to the void.
No, please….
Don’t go, im sorry, im not a bad person i swear.
My cries only left in my throat, no where to voice out. I can only stare, my body started to froze in place, i tried everything to move, but my body wont budge.
And then, the void finally took her, she was nowhere to be seen, i was surrounded by darkness, no light, no everything.
Just pitch black.
I wanted to cry, but no tears will come out, no matter how much i weep.
Is this is it?
Is this where everything ends?
No… i dont want to…
My vision went black, tired from the silent cries that no one could hear, tired that i only got myself to blame, tired that i only i have my own thought to keep me.
Before i know it, my body went weak, cold. i couldnt move, i cant even open my eyes. For a moment, i accepted my fate, that im not suitable for this, this word they call “love”. Im not capable of loving someone when i couldn’t even love myself.
But even then, i hoped that you know i still cared for you no matter what the circumstances is. I stayed, despite the aching pain in my heart, knowing i cant be with you forever.
I hope you know what every moment i spent with you was a bliss, a moment that i will keep in my mind forever. If i were given a chance to life, i will spend my entire life searching for you, hoping that i can see you be happy and well even when im not around. I want you to feel loved and appreciated, like the way i loved you.
I hope that the person that will be by yourside is someone that you can love you dearly, that you can feel safe with, that you can be vulnerable with. And not someone like me who is a complete mess, that needs reassurance every time just to feel loved.
I love you, Kanade.