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Regulus couldn't calm down.
He couldn’t calm down, no matter how hard he tried. Tears were streaming down his face. Snot ran down and over his lips, the boy inhaling half of it while the other trailed ever lower than that.
Regulus’s entire body was shaking with sobs. The noise ripping itself from his parted lips as he rushed down the barely light, empty hallway.
He couldn’t see anything through his blurry vision, but it didn’t matter. After over five years of studying at Hogwarts, Regulus knew the entire place by heart. Especially the journey from the Astronomy Tower towards his dorm.
But now, Regulus wished he never took this path. He wished he never went up that Astronomy Tower all those months ago. He wished he never indulged himself into believing he was worthy of anyone’s love.
Regulus felt like a fool.
And his heart was paying the price for it.
There was a faint light of moon shining through the clouds, but it wasn’t enough to create any big shadows. After all, it wasn’t full moon yet. Not that Regulus cared about any of it.
He couldn’t care about getting caught or not. About his mother finding out and getting into trouble for it. Or about someone seeing him like this.
Regulus was done caring for such trivial things. It required too much energy and concentration and that wasn’t something Regulus had at the moment.
The only thing Regulus could focus on was getting back to his bed as soon as possible. He could already imagine his made, warm and cozy bed and the thought of pulling his covers over his head and disappearing from the rest of the world, made Regulus hurry up his steps.
He just wanted to lie down in his bed, fall asleep and hope all of this was one big cruel nightmare. One big cruel joke, but even through the haze of heartbreak, Regulus knew that wasn’t the case.
The pain was far too real.
The sinking, hopeless feeling of hurt and betray settled over his bones like deadweight and it continued to drag him down. Everything hurt. The pain spread from his heart and all over his ribcage until it was hard to breathe and until another sob rocked through Regulus’s body.
It was the kind of pain that would not soothe. That continued to pulse, making it unbearable most of the time and Regulus hated it. He hated feeling like this. Unbound. Untethered. Shaken to the core by the news he never thought he was going to receive.
The last time Regulus felt like this. The last time someone scarred his heart so deeply, so greatly, was Sirius. Hs older brother hadn’t even bothered by leaving a letter. He hadn’t even bothered to explain why he was leaving. Why was he leaving Regulus all alone in that house that could never be called a home.
Regulus wouldn’t have ever gotten a goodbye if he hadn’t woken up in the middle of the night. A bad feeling settled deep in his soul, as if he knew something was amiss the second he opened his eyes.
And he was right.
Because once Regulus turned the corner, standing on top of the staircase, he saw Sirius’s silhouette. His older brother hadn’t even bothered with tears or hugs or empty promises. All Regulus got from him was a simple “take care” whispered in the darkness of their hallway at Grimmauld Place. Sirus’s luggage was already packed behind him.
Now, another person had left Regulus without any explanation. And James didn’t bother with apologies or excuses either. He simply said how he thought it was love. How he thought what Regulus and he had could be called love, but he realized it was never even close.
And Regulus, who was left standing there on top of the Astronomy Tower long after James left, felt weight by his heart so heavily that it hurt far too much to even move. To even breathe.
Regulus believed it was love. James said it was love.
James had whispered that word in Regulus’s ear over and over again. He had mumbled it between kisses, their lips almost touching and their eyes locked on one another. James had said that word when it was just the two of them, wrapped up in each other’s arms, gentle darkness enfolding them, hiding them away from the rest of the world.
James had whispered that word when he lied Regulus down in his own bed. The sheets and pillows smelled so much like James that it made Regulus breathless. He had wanted nothing more but to bury his entire face in the scent, wanting to stay there forever and seek comfort from it.
But James wanted to see his face. And he had kissed every inch of Regulus’s skin.
James had been so careful. So gentle.
James acted as if he was terrified of breaking Regulus. As if he was a beautiful porcelain glass that needed a gentle hand and kind words.
Only to turn around and say it was nothing more than a mistake. An experiment.
That’s what James had called their relationship.
It took a while for Regulus to fully grasp James’s words. He had heard James say them. His eyes had seen James’s lips moving, but he refused to accept they were the truth.
But even now, hours later, Regulus was slowly accepting them for what they were.
The truth.
Plain and simple and Regulus hated it.
He hated how they were engraved into every piece of his heart that wouldn’t stop breaking.
A sharp sob ripped its way out of Regulus’s chest just when he slammed the door of his room shut. He couldn’t hold it in anymore. He tried to be quiet and careful once he entered the Slytherin Dungeon, walking through the shadows of empty Common room, but now?
Far away from any unwanted eyes and ears?
He was done.
Barty immediately jumped from his bed. He rushed towards sobbing and shaking Regulus and within seconds he was in front of him. Barty’s concerned eyes and warm, strong arms were ready to catch his best friend were he to fall and Regulus felt easier knowing that.
Knowing that he was finally safe.
“Reg? What happened?” Barty asked him as his eyes ran over Regulus’s face and body. He checked for any visible injuries, any signs of blood or a fight, but there was nothing. The only indicator that something terrible happened tonight was just how strongly Regulus was hyperventilating.
His breaths were coming in short, quick huffs and Barty could only watch in shock and fear as the color slowly drained from Regulus’s face.
“Reg, you’re scaring me.” Barty trailed off, eyes glancing towards Evan’s bed and the curtains that were drawn over it.
Evan went to sleep hours ago because his migraine started up again and he was far too exhausted to try and get rid of it with potions that wouldn’t work or that would make him sick.
But now, Barty wished he hadn’t gone to bed so early.
He felt helpless as he tried to coax Regulus into saying something. Anything that might help Barty understand what happened and who he will be beating up tomorrow. Or right now. Even better.
Regulus tried to explain what happened. He tried to find the words, but his mind was in a haze. And what little words Regulus actually managed to piece together refused to leave his mouth. He didn’t even feel as if he was part of his own body.
He felt like a spectator. Watching from the outside into himself and it would explain a lot of things. How he could barely talk for an example.
Barty gently guided him towards his bed. Helping him sit down on the mattress before he pulled the green curtains over both of them. He casted a quick Muffliato and sat up against the headboard, pulling Regulus into his chest and wrapping his arms around the smaller boy.
Barty couldn’t remember when was the last time he saw Regulus like this. Not only did his friend shy away from any type of psychical contact, but he was always a perfect picture of grace and dignity. Regulus came out as cold most of the time, but Barty knew Regulus.
He knew Regulus had the softest heart of them all and a spike of anger pulsed through his body at the realization that someone dared to hurt him. That someone dared to hurt Regulus and Barty had a feeling about who it might be.
Well, there were two suspects for now.
“James, he-“ Regulus cut himself off, hiccupping and sobbing at the same time, not even being able to get the words out.
One suspect.
Barty pulled him even closer, tightening his arms around him as if that was enough. As if that would be enough to fix up anything James had broken.
“What did he do, Reg?” Barty asked him, fear and unease settling deep in his body. His mind immediately went to the word possible scenario and he was seething.
He tried to get Regulus to look up, wanting to see his best friend’s eyes and confirm that it wasn’t the truth. And that James hadn’t done what Barty was terrified of, but Regulus refused.
Regulus hid his face in Barty’s shirt, rubbing his tears and snot all over the material, but he didn’t care. It was already bad enough Barty had seen him like this, and he wanted to keep at least some of his dignity. Even though there was nothing left.
James made sure of that.
“Tell me, please.” Barty said, his voice breaking as tears formed in his eyes.
Barty was desperate to fix this. To fix his best friend. To hurt whoever dared to even think about hurting Regulus, but he was stuck. He was stuck gently rocking Regulus’s trembling body, shushing him gently and rubbing slow circles on his back.
When all he wanted to do was go and hunt that stupid Potter. Make him eat his fist, break his teeth in and every single bone in his body for thinking he could hurt Regulus and get away with it.
Because Regulus was Barty’s best friend.
Regulus was pure. Regulus was nice and he was kind. He was nothing like his family, nothing like Sirius. He was good and he always tried his best and if he fell short sometimes? Then it didn’t bloody matter because he still did more than anyone ever would.
Barty would even go as far as to say Sirius wished he was like Regulus. He wished he could be half a human being Regulus was, because unlike his older brother Regulus never got anything out of hurting someone. Out of seeing someone in pain or breaking someone’s trust.
Regulus wasn’t like that and yet here they were.
With Regulus crying his pretty eyes out and Barty not knowing what to do.
Barty thought about waking Evan up. He thought about dropping Regulus into the blond-haired boy’s lap. Demanding Evan to look after Regulus while he was gone and while he went on to look for Potter. Who was probably sleeping soundly in his bed, not even aware of what he had done. Not even aware of just how cruelly he had broken Regulus’s heart.
Because Potter was like that.
His best friend was Sirius after all. And Barty knew Sirius.
He knew Sirius that pulled cruel and mean pranks on students as young as eleven, making them cry and shake in fear, but they never went and reported it to a professor. Because even they knew it would do nothing and it would only put a target on their back.
He knew Sirius that rejected all pureblood ideology, but only because James rejected it first and there was nothing in this world that Sirius wouldn’t do for James. He didn’t do it because he cared about mudbloods. He did it because James somewhat cared and it was also another way to get back on his family.
He knew Sirius that started fights with people if they dared to look at him wrongly. He knew Sirius that was a bully. That was mean. That was rude. That still clung onto his family’s ideology when it suited him.
James was Sirius’s best friend and Barty knew Sirius was no good.
Therefor James wasn’t good either and Barty tried to warn Regulus. He tried to sabotage the two of them and ruin any chances of them becoming more serious, but it didn’t work. Regulus was in love. And all of Barty’s warning fell on deaf ears.
“You were right.” Regulus whispered after what felt like hours. His throat was sore and his voice raspy. His chest hurt, both from the pain of what James said and from how hard he was sobbing, fighting for his life through all the tears and heartbreak.
His words caught Barty’s attention who blinked away the scenes of murdering James to focus on his best friend.
“He didn’t love me.” Regulus added, staring blankly at the floor, face half hidden in Barty’s wet shirt. “I don’t think he even liked me.” Regulus whispered, voice breaking again as fresh tears formed in his eyes, already falling down his cheeks.
“Don’t say that Reg.” Barty pleaded, not knowing what else to say.
And as the dawn slowly rose in the sky, Barty continued to hold Regulus close, hoping his friend would fall asleep and find some rest. Perhaps dream where all his wishes came true and where he was happy.
____________________________
Barty was going to kill Potter.
He knew he was going to do it. One way or another.
One day Potter would be laying down at his feet, body unmoving and lifeless eyes staring up at him; forever frozen in time.
But right now, he was stuck watching Potter stuff his face with food and slap Sirius on the back when he said something funny. The other two were there as well. The entire group together and Barty was seething.
Potter had no care in the world.
While Regulus had decided to stay back, choosing not to get any breakfast this morning, saying he wasn’t feeling well, Potter was out there eating enough for three people. And he didn’t even care that Regulus was absent. He didn’t even bother to check their table once.
Barty was going to kill him. He was going to do it, and he didn’t care about the consequences.
“Barty, don’t.” Evan hissed by his side.
Even though the blond-haired boy was shooting daggers at Potter, he could still feel the murderous energy rolling off Barty in waves and he need him to keep together. They couldn’t do it here, after all. There were too many students and professors who would break the fight before it even started.
Before Potter got what he deserved.
“I’m going to kill him, Ev.” Barty sneered, twisting the kitchen knife underneath the table, wondering if it was sharp enough to cut through Potter’s throat.
And when he cut through the skin of his finger, Barty knew the answer to that question.
Evan and Barty continued to sit in silence. Their food went untouched and not a single person at their table dared to even look at them. The students had no idea what got them in such a terrifying mood, but they didn’t need to know.
Their sharp gazes and sneering lips were enough to make everyone look the other way, hoping they wouldn’t be on the other end of their wrath.
Finally, the moment they were waiting for arrived when James got up alongside Sirius. The two of them leisurely made their way out of the Grand Hall, leaving behind Remus and Peter. Barty and Evan didn’t care why the other two boys failed to join them as they quickly rushed after them, making sure not to lose sight of them.
The hallways were empty as James and Sirius joked around and pushed each other’s shoulders, making their way to their first class of the day. On the other hand, Barty and Evan briskly walked behind them. Quick on their feet and almost quiet in their pursuit.
Or perhaps James and Sirius were just too loud.
Once they were close enough, Barty didn’t hold back the crazy grin that rose on his cheeks as he rushed up to Potter. He clenched his fist, checking one more time that the knife was in his pocket before he called out.
“Oi, Potter!”
James barely had any time to turn around before Barty punched him. His fist connected sharply with James’s cheek, and it was enough to send the taller boy on the floor. And Barty was quick to follow.
He didn’t give James any time to recover or shield himself as he punched any surface he could. Face, head, shoulders, neck…. None of it mattered to Barty, who was hoping to inflict as much pain as possible.
Barty wanted to see James bleed. He wanted to see him in pain and he was on a good path to getting his wish.
His strikes were quick and sharp. The adrenaline rushing through his blood and he felt high on it. Barty felt untouchable and he gritted his teeth. He no longer saw a person underneath him. He saw a thing.
A thing that broke Regulus’s heart and now, Barty was going to break him.
And while James was the muscled one, towering easily over half of the school, Barty was quicker. He was used to fighting in the hallways while James was too busy pulling silly stupid pranks on the rest of the school.
Pulling silly stupid pranks on Regulus.
“This is for what you did to, Reg!” Barty sneered, spit flying from his lips as blood trickled down James’s face, getting all over their clothes and floor.
The hallway was filled with crying students, who were screaming. They all knew this wasn’t a normal fight. They could see the urge to kill in Barty’s eyes and some of them had run away, desperately searching for a professor.
Barty wasn’t worried about any of them. He wasn’t worried about Sirius either because he knew Evan had it under control.
The blond-haired boy had used a similar tactic like Barty did and he had Sirius on the floor as well, punching him in abandonment while hissing how he was just like the rest of his family, rotten to the core. A disgrace that he couldn’t even take care of one person that truly loved him.
“The fuck is wrong with you!?” James yelled through bloodied mouth, finally being able to land a solid punch on Barty. But the other boy brushed it off, already reaching for his pocket. Eager to end it all.
Within seconds, the knife cluttered to the floor as Barty was pushed off James. A few strong arms held him down, the other students pulling him away from James as professors rushed down the hallway.
Barty kept on yelling in frustration. Cursing them all.
He was so close.
He was seconds away from gutting Potter and he couldn’t believe he failed.
“I’ll kill you one day Potter! My face will be the last thing you’re ever going to see. I’ll kill you for hurting, Reg!” Barty screamed as they dragged him further away, the headmaster snapping at him to calm down.
In that sea of people no one truly cared about Barty’s words. No one really stopped to take them in and think about how he said them. Witch such confidence. As if killing James was going to be the last thing he ever did or he would die trying.
Perhaps they should have. Perhaps James should have listened to Barty’s warnings and engraved it into his brain. Into his soul.
Maybe if he did James would do anything not to find himself on the opposite side of war as Barty. Maybe he would have packed up his things and ran as far away as he could with Lily and little Harry. Maybe he wouldn’t have opened the door on that faithful Halloween night only to see Barty’s face grinning at him, wand raised and ready to utter a killing curse.
Maybe.