Chapter Text
Life was good, atleast that is how it looked like from the outside. Nice apartments, only one hour away from his boyfriend, good team and of cousre as mentioned he was finally closer to his beautiful, kind and freckled partner.
He now had a new family, the Hollanders were very welcoming and had supported both of them as muvh as they could. Since Ilya has started his therapy they have been more present, trying to also help his healing.
So why was he not feeling better? Why was he depressed? It made no sense in his head. That very head had vivid flashbacks of his mother’s “accident”, his harsh dad and greedy brother. Did he miss them? No. Just his mother. His loving mother. That left him.
Will Shane leave him aswell if he knew everything that went inside his head? Would he leave when Ilya could not function as expected, couldnt be this cocky boufriend that he loved? Realistically Ilya jnew Shane would never do that. Stupid polite Canadian. And oh of course out of love as well, obviously.
Still dark thoughts regardimg their relationship and his overall life swarmed through his head and wouldn’t stop. Cigarettes were a shirt release, those were also becoming a stress as he always felt guilty for smoking one. Shane would nag him about the health risks and have that cute but slightly disappointed pout.
He didnt know why he wasnt getting better, if anything he was spiraling faster than before. Dr. Galina had said it’s about all the recent changes to his life that triggered this spiral. More specifically the positive changes triggered his belief of not being worth so much love.
“Hey, good afternoon Ilya, I made you something to eat, real food dont worry no bird food. Want me to bring it to you? Cause you need to eat” Shane had entered the bedroom so quielty that Ilya startled a little by his announcement. And did he say ‘good afternon’. He turned around to check the clock on the nightsand and realized jt was indeed later than expected. Great, he had spent half the day again just rotting in bed.
”Can we eat together here?” He asked tentatively.
At that Shane only hummed and went ahead to get the red pasta and small side salad for them. “Still nutritious, in a way” he announced proudly.
”Thank you” he mumbled and starting slowly digging in. Shane didnt cook often due to his diet but ever since Ilya stopped making himslef food completely he had started to get better at it. He knew Ilya hated his “bird food” so of cousre he adjusted for Ilya.
It made Ilya feel a little guilty, he knew Shane had a bad spot with food and basically forcing him to cook for him must be another burden that Ilya layed on him.
Belatedly he realized that today was Wednesday as he opened his phone for the first time today. Practice day. What was Shane doing here.
”Dont you have practice?End early?” He asked curiously. Not sure if he wanted the answrr or not.
“Ah no I didnt go today” Of course he didnt, becsuse of his disgusting and incapable boyfriend. Ilya knew if he ever muttered those words aloud Shane would literally strangle him.
Shane must have seen the thought process as he quickly added:” just wasnt feeling it today, taking a break ever once in a while isnt that bad” Now thats a lie, Ilya might be depressed but he is not dumb. Shane hated skipping practice , hated his routine being off and he certainly did not take breaks. Shane fucking Hollander did not take fucking breaks.
But this was the new normal for them. Ilya knew he threw Shane’s routine against the damn wall. He wished he was better so he could tell Shane that he should go to practice, to hockey which he loved. Even if Ilya has lost his passion for it.
But he wasn’t better and he was grateful that Shane was here, without him he woudl have kept laying in bed till the next day.
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Weeks piled up with the same new routine. Ilya going to therapy, coming home tired and exhausted from having to talk about hos emotions and Shane waiting up for him with warm dinner and even warmer comfort.
Shane started missing practice more often but never made a show of it and eventually Ilya had forgotton of it. Not intentionally just wanst on his current priority list. Staying afloat was unfortunately top one on his list.
But life kept moving aroudn them and so Ilya found himslef wirh Shane eating on the couch.
“Hey, I wanted to ask you something, you know lately you have been gettjng a little better so I wanted to know if it would be alright for me ti head to practice tomorrow when youre in therapy, might be going a bit longer than therpay though” a bit haslty he added:” the game is soon so I wanted to refresh a bit on the strategy” he said almost guilty.
Right. The game. Ilya totally forgot that game season was starting soon and that Shane basically had missed all the practice. Suddenly he felt the immense guitl again. He was holding Shane back.
”Yes, yes it is okay, please go play boring hockey again” he hoped jt sounded encouraging and not mildly sad, guilty.
Shane didnt seem entirely convinced but he also could not pinpoint what exactly he was missing so he just hummed and started cleaning up their empty plates.
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Surprisingly it worked pretty well. Shane would drop Ilya of at therapy and rush to practice. Afterwards Ilya would have to wait an hour jn which he discovered the city nearby the therapy cabinet as he waited for Shane to come back from practice and pivk him up.
It helped, a routine in which Shane also seemed to to thrive in. Slowly Ilya was getting better. Therpay worked apparently. More importantly Shane’s constant support was finally paying off.
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He felt so good that he decided why not surprise Shane?
After therapy he woudl usually wait but today he decided to call up Yuna to drive him over to Shane’s practice.
He could not wait to see Shane’s surpsired but content smile. Maybe he would even be proud of him for being up and not immediately dropping after therapy.
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He hummed which he hasnt in a while but he is feeling better so he welcomes it. As he reaches the rink he notices that Shane is on the bench next to one of his teammates. Why are they sitting so close is Ilya’s first thought.
The closer he gets the more nervous he starts feeling. He wanted a surprise but was he going to receive an unpleasant surprise?
“Rozanov, uhm hey” came the uncertain greeting. But he didn’t focus on that all his attention was placed onto Shane who startled harshly and turned around with wide eyes. And were they red rimmed? Like he had been crying or was he seeing things.
”Omg Ilya, hey what are you doinghere? Ho-How was therapy? ” asked Shane soflty his voice hoarse, okay so he definitely had cried. To further confirm his suspicion Shane wiped at his teary eyes like he was trying to hide proof.
He didn’t focus not know what to do. Ask Shane if he was okay? Play along?
Before he could come up with a response he was watvhing as the teammate touched Shane’s shoulder soflty rubbing into it and whispering:” take care of yourself Shane yeah? Relax a little tonight you deserve it” and with that he left the couple standing.
”Did something happen on the ice? Why are you crying?” Ilya asked carefully
“I’m fine, really just got a bit nervous since I have not been on the ice for a while you know?” To make sure Ilya understood the conversation was over he slowly pushed Ilya to the locker rooms to get changed.
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