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"So what are your new year's resolutions?"
Your fingers can't help but fiddle with the layers of glitter that are sprinkled across the floor as you poked a question at him. It was a predictable question but you couldn't help but spit it out in the lingering silence. Well, it was almost a lingering silence.
Through your balcony window the faint popping of fireworks can be heard across the city, colourful bursts of light appearing and disappearing in the blink of an eye. Like glitter in the sky, you think, but compared to your floor it's clearly much easier to clean.
You sit on the kitchen floor of your apartment whilst Sukuna stands at your kitchen island preparing another glass — or rather mugs — of leftover champagne for you both. All your fancy glasses that were given out to the guests had been carefully placed in the dishwasher. You sat with your back to the door panel of the machine, almost tempted to fall asleep to the warm hum that vibrated through your body.
Muffled, the faint popping of continuous fireworks and cheers were still ongoing. It was pure luck that you managed to grab a decently priced apartment on the outer edge of the city. The skyscrapers were a while away but the buzz of the city still managed to reach the pillars of your balcony. Which was why annually you were responsible for holding the New Year's party because in Shoko's words 'Your place was the only place with a good view of the fireworks.'
The last of the guests had left by now, the clock nearing 4am. Drunk with immense happiness and optimism for the new year, you waved off the last of your guests with a cheesy smile and heavy lidded eyes but to your surprise Sukuna was kind enough to stay behind and help you clean up.
Or now you realise — as the room spins despite you sitting on the floor — his plan might have been to get you even more drunk.
"I don't have any." He mutters, eyes focused as he pours the liquid into your favourite cat mug.
You ignore the ache in the back of your neck as you look up at him, you can only see the side of his face but just a glimpse at that prominent and sharp jawline traced with black tattoos makes you groan. He's pretty. So fucking pretty it hurts. A lot. He practically glows under the dimmed lights of your kitchen, like a sudden archangel. There's a growing ache in your stomach and there's only two possibilities: nausea from the alcohol or most likely your body trying to come to terms with how fucking gorgeous he is.
You have to bite your tongue from randomly saying something stupid like 'God must have taken his time making you' because you know Sukuna would just grunt in your face and call you drunk as hell. But you're debating on whether you care at this point.
At least you're distracted by his confession that he doesn't have any new year resolutions and a pout is quick to form on your face as you make a double take at him. "Really?" You let out a hiccup as your body tingles from the alcohol. Your body feels warm. You're not that drunk…but tipsy at most. "There's not one thing that you would change? Or that you're planning to do for New Year's?"
Sukuna lets out a hum. "Resolutions are shit, destined to make you fail."
"You're so pessimistic."
"Or am I just rational?" He retorts calmly keeping the mugs in his hands steady as he makes his way to sit next to you. His mug is your second favourite mug, another cat mug, but there's a drawing of a little grumpy cat on the side which you tease reminds you of him. You thank him quietly as he passes you the mug, suddenly shy and choked up now that you're close in proximity. You can't help but notice the little things now, like how the sleeve of his shirt is brushing up against your bare arm or the fact that your leg is touching his. God, he even smells good.
On reflection there's a little part of you that regrets that you didn't make much conversation with him tonight due to your nervousness. You've been friends with Sukuna for nearly two years but even meeting his eyes still makes you nervous. Don't get me wrong, you were still on a lookout for him, often enough you found your eyes wondering his figure in the corner as he stood talking to another one of your guests. When your eyes finally met, you gave a little wave but failed to gain the courage to go over and talk to him. If it wasn't for his offer to stay behind and help you clean you doubt you would have spoken to him at all.
And now here the two of you were, getting even more drunk at 3am in your kitchen.
After taking a sip out of your mug Sukuna throws the question right back at you. "What are your resolutions then?"
You let your head rest on the door panel of the dishwasher as you think, the soft vibration hitting the soft spot at the back of your head. "Hmmmm."
"See, you don't even have any." Sukuna smirks, taking another swig.
"Shut up, I'm trying to debate whether to tell you or not. Y'know I want it to be 'a show' not 'a tell' a kinda thing. You don't know people's intentions, like….uhhh the evil eye y'know?"
Sukuna's face falls into a frown, the eyebrow piercing glinting under the light. You find it funny how his face matches the expression of the cat on his mug but you keep it to yourself. "You think I'm gonna wish bad on you or something?"
You shake your head without hesitation, "No, not you. Maybe other people but not you. Definitely." Your voice in firm in confirming that. You trust Sukuna. You would trust him with your life. "….but it's kinda embarrassing to say out loud if you don't believe in resolutions."
"I don't believe in them for myself." he clarifies, his voice rough. "I know that they wouldn't work out for me."
"Why?" He shrugs and you let out an immediate groan at his lack of answer. There's a knowing smirk on his face which never fails to create frustration in you. You hate when he puts on that mysterious persona that leaves you guessing. You make a mental note to try and poke him about that later. You let out a sigh, holding a finger. "Okay, I'll tell you. Resolution one: stop inviting too many people to my New Year's parties."
Sukuna lets out a scoff, "Little miss popular huh."
"M'not popular."
"Have you seen your contacts list?"
"That's just because you never save anyone's numbers anymore."
"What's the point?"
"Convenience and for when you want to throw a party."
"Nah, I don't want my place to look like this shit."
Unfortunately you have to be in agreement with Sukuna. Your apartment looks like a mess: glitter, party hats, paper cups, pillows, and crumbs of snacks across the floor. A discarded jacket and a random heel lie in misery until you'll have to return them to the unknown owner. But that can wait for now.
"True, but that's why it's my resolution. Less people, less of a mess."
"I'll hold you to that next year." Sukuna notes.
You can't help but steadily inhale once you realise that you will have to eventually get to cleaning up. Taking a sip out of your mug you swallow down the bitter alcohol as some sort of moral support. "Okay, moving on. My second resolution: no more dates with weird…people."
"You're gonna call that last guy a person? Don't humanise him like that. He was a freak."
"No! He was a person that I…mis-judged."
"I can't believe you went out on three dates with him. Was the first not enough?"
You stammer, searching for an answer, something quick quipped to shut Sukuna up before he could torment you any further. "I was lonely!" you blurt out, the sudden statement nearly causing you to spill the contents of your mug.
Sukuna lets out a disapproving tut, letting his eyes roam over you."If you're that lonely you could've asked me." His words linger in the quietude of the kitchen and you decide that you're too drunk to try and analyse whether he's joking or serious.
"Didn't you hear my resolution idiot? I said no more dates with weird people, that includes you even if I know you. Anyways I thought you were busy now? Babysitting for your brother and stuff."
Sukuna shrugs and at the mention of his brother he pulls out his phone to send a very late message of Happy New Year. "I can make time for you." His thumb moves quickly, sending a quick text before placing his phone down.
Your tongue pokes at your cheek, in disbelief of his words. "I bet you say that to every girl."
Sukuna now looks at you, caught off guard at your assumption."Believe what you want but I've only said that to you."
You scoff and for a moment you ponder over a thought that popped in your head. "You know what your new year's resolution should be?"
"Indulge me."
"Stop breaking girl's hearts all the time."
Sukuna rolls his eyes in a 'here we go again' manner as if the two of you haven't had enough conversations about his unethical dating habits.
You know his cycle all too well: find a girl, make it a fling, keep it going for a few weeks or even months, he gets bored or she asks for more and he says no, they argue, maybe briefly make up, argue again, she leaves and Sukuna comes running to you complain about how he doesn't 'understand women' and you have to sit him down like a five year old and explain why what he said was hurtful.
Until he gets distracted by someone else and the cycle repeats.
"Not my fault if they can't understand what's casual—"
"That's not the point 'Kuna." You sigh, "Just at least this year try to get over your commitment issues and find someone to be serious about, you're pushing thirty."
Sukuna whips his head towards you, "Oh look who's adhering to societal standards now hmm?"
"I'm just prepping you for when you get to your inevitable mid-life crisis and you wake up and realise that you're all alone because you're a dick."
"Tch, you're not that much younger than me you brat, the clock is ticking for you too."
"It'll be easier for me because not a slut like you." you spat out before you could think. "Wait I'm drunk, I didn't mean that…or maybe I did, everyone says drunk words are sober—"
Sukuna cuts you off before watching you continue your drunk ramble. "I have a new year's resolution for you then since you came up with one for me."
"What is it?" A playful smile stretches across your lips, eager to hear what Sukuna says.
"Stop being scared every time I look at you."
Your face drops and you immediately break eye contact with him when he tries to meet your eyes."I don't get—"
"See you've proved my point, you're not making eye contact right now."
"That's because you've made me aware of it!" You can feel your face heat up, it's even worse now because you're intoxicated. "I don't even know why you would choose that—"
"Do I make you nervous? Be honest."
Your mouth goes dry, any knowledge of how to speak is suddenly thrown out of the window. Sukuna continues, "You didn't say a single word to me at your party but you couldn't stop looking at me."
"I was…planning to go over and speak to you, I was held up."
"Mhmmm." Judging by his tone you're not believable right now.
"Your flirting tactics don't work on me Sukuna. I told you this the first time I met you."
"Are you sure?" And you can feel him moving in closer, the heat between your bodies now rising and his gaze more focused than ever on you. Those red eyes burning into your skin, the flushed cheeks and his plump lips more prominent than ever.
He breathes out your name and a tingle goes down your spine, this happens every time he says your name. It's like every time he says your name aloud a spell is cast and you just…freeze.
"Sukuna." you start but you can't seem to get the rest of your words out. Luckily for you Sukuna knows exactly what you're going to say and he's scared of what's about to come out of your mouth.
"Just— fuck — just don't say anything."
"Sukuna." you warn. "You know exactly what I'm going to say."
He leans in closer to you and you can't even gain the energy to move away. For the first time in your life, you accept the proximity. For the first time you don't shy away or overthink or look away.
You finally meet his eyes.
You meet his eyes and you're not scared to keep maintaining his eye contact. You don't miss the way that his eyelids flutter downwards to look at your lips every few seconds. Up close, you think Sukuna looks prettier than ever and you're close letting the forbidden sentence 'God must have taken his time making you' run free but you bite it away, swallowing it down with the bitter aftertaste of champagne.
But it seems Sukuna has more gut than you and for the first time in your presence he says what's on his mind.
It comes out as a whisper. Tentative. If you had moved away you wouldn't have heard it. You can barely hear him as he says it aloud right now, having to rely on reading his lips. His plump, soft, god given lips. They're a little red underneath the glow of the kitchen light, a shade of red that makes you want to bruise his lips with kisses.
"You're fucking gorgeous." he breathes out and it's the softest thing you've ever heard in your life. What comes next is hearing your heart beat within your eardrums , rapid and fast. Too fast.
Everything's too fast. The way the fireworks come and go, it's colours lost to the night's sky leaving behind nothing but smoke and fog. Time moves too fast, it's way past 4am at this point which makes you realise that you are nowhere near sober and neither is Sukuna.
Which lets you come to the conclusion that this is a bad idea.
In an other universe you would have taken his hints and leaned in and kissed him right there and then. In another world, if a world does in fact exist, you would have felt the equivalent of fireworks within your body and just kissed him stupid until you weren't even capable of thinking anymore. But instead, you choose to back away, creating distance between the two of you.
"Sukuna." you place down the mug, "Look, I'm really…fucking drunk right and you're drunk and this is a bad idea."
"Says who?"
"Says me! Because we're friends…and…"
He clicks his tongue, clearly in disapproval. "Friends?"
You almost want to wince at his tone in repeating that phrase. "Don't say it like that."
"Say it like what?"
"Like, it pains you." you groan. "We would both regret it in the morning and you know that."
"You don't know that." he retorts. You can tell he's frustrated and you're not sure what more you can say that wouldn't make it worse.
"I do. And just because I can't do things like speak to you in front of other people or…or..make eye contact with you doesn't mean that I have feelings for you."
"Right."
There's a pause and it's awkward and long and it takes up space in the entirety of your open kitchen. That's when you bite the bullet and decide to put it to an end. For good.
"And I think you should leave."
If he's hurt by your words then he doesn't show it, simply getting up and placing his near empty mug in your sink. You watch as he walks over to the entrance. You're trying to tell by his pace if he's angry or not. You place your mug in the sink with a clink, pouring the unfinished champagne down the sink, suddenly disgusted by the taste.
By the time you meet him by the entrance his jacket and shoes are on, ready to leave. Now this time he's the one who won't make eye contact with you.
"Can I say something?"
"If it's an apology you don't have—"
"It's not an apology."
"Right…" you trail off
His mouth opens then closes, as if unsure of what he truly wants to say which was rare for a man like him. "I was just thinking that…you—" he takes a breath, "you do this really annoying thing where you never let yourself want anything. At all. And it fucking pisses me off." Your throat chokes up so that even if you did have a reply in mind you wouldn't be able to say it. "I've known you for a while but this —" he breaks off in a sarcastic chuckle, "I don't know how you do it but it must be fucking miserable living like this. That's all."
You're not capable of saying anything in response. Everything that Sukuna has just said to you hits you straight in the heart like a knife. All you can do is watch him leave silently as he mutters a final "happy new year" to you and lets your apartment door close with a slam.
You stand in the doorway as if you're waiting for him to change his mind. You can't even make yourself move. You can't do anything at all. You just stand there, waiting. Waiting for him to come back and say that he didn't mean what he said. But deep down, you know that he was right.
Everything becomes a blur in your head, the clinking of champagne filled mugs, his arm brushing yours, the almost kiss that never happened, his body heat, his gaze, his lips, his words echoing in your head. "You never let yourself want anything."
And all you can do is collapse on your alcohol stained couch and cry until you fall asleep.