Chapter Text
The air in the van felt stiff. Everyone was sitting in their own groupings; however, it had been almost dead silent, except for the faint buzzing of the red lighting and the noise from the terrain around them. Tensions had been high for a while now, but this was it; this was the moment everyone was waiting for. The final crawl, the final fight, the last push towards safety. It would be the last time any of them had to step into this horrid place.
Will had been sitting in the middle of the truck. His back pressed against a shelf behind him, his arms around his knees as he stared off at the floor. He was deep in thought, caught up in the commotion within his mind.
His thoughts did vary. While, of course, he was focused on the task at hand, killing Vecna and closing the Upside Down for good, that wasn't the only thing he could think about.
" I don't like girls. "
He closed his eyes tightly, trying to erase the replaying moment from his mind. It wasn't important right now. He said what he'd been dying to get out for as long as he could remember. The moment was over, so why couldn't he let it go?
They all showed support for him, comforting him during a sensitive moment, yet something felt so foreign about it. It was bothering him how easily he was accepted, how simple it really was. It didn't feel real; it felt like a distant reality from his own—an illusion projected to protect him.
In Will's head, he just assumed they all pitied him too much to focus on what he was saying. For all he knew, they could've just seen a poor, weak child who looked as if he would break. Too fragile for any genuine opinion given in the moment.
And truly, that's what it really was; he was just too weak. Weak for letting all this bring him down, for not being strong enough to keep it to himself. It was rather pathetic; in fact, he wished he had kept it to himself. He let Vecna get into his head, and by doing so, he was forced to show everyone how frail he was.
Maybe that was his intention all along, to drag out Will and make him vulnerable in front of those closest to him. He managed to erase all the reinventing Will had done so that everyone would see him as something more than a scared little boy. He'd spent years trying to be stronger for those around him, and yet what was it all for? He could never escape it. He intensely disliked being in the spotlight and snapped under pressure. They'd feel sorrow for him for as long as he lived. He didn't want to be seen as a child anymore; he wanted to really amount to something.
He'd been stuck in his head for too long; none of this matters right now; he needed to snap out of it and establish what little pride he had left.
He opened his eyes, blinking slowly as he looked up from the floor.
And, of course, his gaze fell directly on him.
Mike had been facing El, who had been seemingly prepping for the moment at hand—her expression composed and calm. Mike, however, had one of worry. Ironically, it was the most expressive he'd been in the past few days. He seemed like he couldn't look away from her, as if she were in danger and would be taken from him at any second. In any other circumstance, Will would feel envy, but he gave that glance when he looked at El.
Will sighed softly, glad Mike didn't catch his glimpse, or else it would just be an awkward interaction, or maybe Mike would just ignore him.
He wished he could see into Mike's mind, to peel back his facade and see how he truly felt about everything. He wanted to know every waking thought and memorize it just to understand how it felt. He wanted to know how Mike really felt about him.
After everything that's happened, how does Mike see him? Has he figured out the truth, that Will's crush had been on him, or worse, has he found out that Will's been utterly in love with him? Would Mike be disgusted by Will's presence for the rest of his life?
More and more questions popped into Will's mind; his hand grasped for something to hold, something to ground him. It eventually found hold of the shelf behind him. He just wanted it to stop. He tried to shut his brain off for the rest of his life; it would be better that way, in all honesty.
Even before Will's speech, the bond between the two had been so unclear these past few years. From the move to Lenora to the past few months spent living with him in his basement, it's impossible to tell where they stand. They've been treating each other differently, but neither of them has spoken up about it.
There have been several moments when the two have been together, and the question has been caught in Will's throat, unable to be said.
" What are we? "
They've had talks in the past, even fights, about the question, but the answer to it has never changed.
" We're friends! We're friends! "
Will blames himself for it; it's idiotic for him to still have hope. But thanks to Robin, he honestly didn't believe he was going crazy. Simple signs like a brush of the knee, a bump of the elbow, and a shared look were all noticed by Will when he thought back. There was a slight ache within his chest when he thought about it, when he thought maybe he'd have a chance.
It consumed him; he wanted it and truly believed it was possible.
But it was nothing more than a foolish idea that he had conspired.
The truck had finally come to a halt, jerking them all slightly as it stopped. It shook Will out from his small spiral, his grip loosening on the shelf. He let a small, somewhat shaky breath out.
' You're still afraid... '
The voice echoed within his mind. He quickly looked around the van, but nothing was out of the ordinary. His hand had jolted to the back of his neck, but there was nothing; he didn't feel a thing.
He needed to hold himself together for just one last time. He didn't want to be the one to let everyone down tonight. After this, the voice would drift and split from him, never to be heard from again; that promise alone could fuel him through the night.
The van's rear door slowly lifted, pale blue light now streaking in, bringing in a chill. It wasn't the kind you experience in the cold, but the kind of chill you'd associate with dread. Small spores floating in the air slowly flowed into the truck; the beauty of it all was that it always looked like snow.
With the stop, those who were departing here said their goodbyes and went into the semi-shrouded Hawkins Lab.
Will watched them all leave one by one, but once again, his gaze caught hold of El and Mike.
He saw Mike reach out to her before she stepped out of the truck, then faintly heard Mike motivate her one last time. It was clear that she knew what she was doing, but it seemed like she just needed to hear it. It must be nice to be cared for and seen.
The two eventually hugged, and El had caught Will staring at them; he didn't even look away from her glance when he was caught. They both just stared at each other, stuck like deer in headlights. In a way, her expression said enough to Will. She smiled at him, a sweet, innocent smile. She didn't know any better, and she never would.
His hand tightened around his arm as he watched El leave with the others. His nails dug into his sleeve and partially into his skin as he squeezed the flesh.
How could he ever want something so bad when someone he perceives as a sister had already beaten him to it? How could he ever try to get between something he didn't deserve? Could he ever live with himself if he'd hurt El?
He winced silently as he snapped out of it, finally ungrasping his now slightly disheveled sleeve. He fixed it quickly and sank his arm back down to his side.
He was disgusted by his own shallowness, unable to even think about the damage he would cause if he ruined the two's relationship. He was so selfish for wanting more.
When the van took off once again, dread sank in Will's chest. No matter how hard he tried to push it down, it still bubbled back up to the surface. He went back to staring towards the floor as a tear dropped from his eyes, not wanting anyone to see him cry for a second time today.
' No matter how hard you try, your mind will never belong with them. '