Chapter Text
She hadn't meant to open the box. It was supposed to be a quick clean up before she left. But beneath old toys and trinkets, she found old photographs. Each photo contained different faces, frozen in moments she hadn't thought about in years.
Arin began to pick each photo. There she found her first love. The picture is creased at the edges, indicating that the picture is old. She saw her smile, too big, her eyes creasing. His arm draped around her shoulders. Back then, she thought this was what love is.
“Hi Arin!” I heard him. I looked up from where I was sitting, and he walked towards me. He smiles at me and waves before he leaves with his friends. Heart racing I smile and wave at him. When I turned around my friends looked at me teasingly. “So Arin, when will you muster up and confess that you like San?” She asked before she grabbed me and walked to the cafeteria. I just crinkled my nose and told her “Not gonna happen.” “Buy why?!” They whined. “I'm fine with being his friend.” “You're not even close with him.” One of my friends said, “Then I'm satisfied with being his acquaintance. Come on, I'm hungry!” I told them before changing the topic. I never thought that San would like me, even for a second. That's why I never planned to confess to him. That's better than to be rejected and never talking to him again.
Until one day, something changed.
My friends, along with San and his other friends, were at home. We were preparing for our group report silently when I suddenly stretched and got up. Placing my glasses down I ask them “Do you guys want some water and chips?” They looked at me and nodded, muttering some words that they needed a little break before finishing up their work. I didn't even notice that someone was staring at me while I walked towards the kitchen and looked for some food to eat.
“Let me help Arin.” San said to me. I looked at him and shyly nodded. Heart thumping again when he reached out his hand and took the water from my hands. I immediately walked towards the table to get the food when I heard him. “Youv'e got a pretty eyes Arin.” Blushing, I said thank you. San just smiled at me and he walked back towards the living room.
After that I noticed the way San behaves towards me changed. At first he gave me a pat on the head whenever he greets me. Making small talk, complimenting me. Especially my eyes, he couldn't help but stare at my eyes. Every time the light hits them, it changes into a dark rich, beautiful brown color. That was his exact words.
Unknowingly, San constantly texts me. It became our routine. Saying good mornings and good nights. Asking what I'm doing, long paragraphs at night and compliment each day.
“Arin, you're very pretty.”
“Ive never thought that you're fun to be with.”
“You're different from anyone else.”
I always reread those messages until my eyes hurt. My phone buzzes in breaks, during lunch, and late at night while under my blanket. Every vibration feels like proof that I am seen. That someone is paying attention and thinking about me all the time.
After that we became really close. And my feelings for him got deeper. He is the first boy I ever like.
‘’Arin!'' I was walking when I heard someone shout my name. There I saw him, he was running towards me, his cheeks flushed a deep pink, eyes twinkling with excitement and a shy grin tugged at the corners of his lip. “San? What is it?” I ask him.
He nervously chuckled, “Are you going home?” he asked. “No, not yet. Um… I have to buy some books.” I muttered. He suddenly grabbed my bag and walked next to me. “Really? Im also going to buy some supplies too. Then let's walk together, since we're going the same way.”
We walk quietly, not talking to each other. But it's not uncomfortable. I secretly looked at him and I noticed that he was looking at me. He began to talk.
What he said next flustered me. “I like you Arin. I just wanted you to know that.” My heart thumping, I just said “Oh…” I never thought that he would like me like that at all. That he would never notice me. He was always surrounded with people, effortlessly drawing attention with his charms. I thought being friends with him was enough. I never expect that he will like me at all. "Do you have you like?" He asked. Like he's looking for the right answer. “I like you too, San.” I pondered for a minute before I whispered, I can't even look at his eyes. Then he walks closer, I finally look at him. His eyes disappear as he smiles too big, “I know.” He told me.
“I've liked you ever since, I just never had the guts to tell you. But since we're graduating in a few months. I've mustered up my courage to tell you what I feel. Arin, can I court you?” He asked. I feel my face burning and I slowly nod. A small smile formed on my lips.
For the past few weeks we were inseparable. San always walks with me to and from school. Carrying my bag and taking slow walks. Enjoying every moment spent together. Everyone at school noticed how San is attentive to me. Even when my club period ends, he always waits for me, leaning against the lockers with a grin like he's been there forever. He sits with me at lunch, his legs pressed against mine and voice louder than our friends’.
“You two look so cute together.” My friends whisper, giggling and teasing me. I believe them.
Whenever he wraps his arm around my shoulders and hugs me, it feels like being claimed in the best possible way. Being with him, naturally people began to surround me. When he gets jealous, I always tell myself because he worries. When he asks who I'm texting, I answer immediately, always assuring him.
After all this is my first time being in a relationship. I want to be good at this, at being someone's girlfriend.
San always showered me with compliments. That I'm the best thing that happened to him. That he's afraid that he will lose me. That he needs me. That scares me a little, but it also makes me feel important.
If I don't reply right away, my phone keeps vibrating.
“Why are you not replying?”
“Did I do something wrong?”
“Are you mad at me?”
“Why are you ignoring me?”
“Im sorry.”
I type apologies even when I don't know what I'm apologizing for. Putting my phone down, I subconsciously measure my time in response times.
‘Is this what love is supposed to feel like?’ I thought. Intense. Fast. Like a wave that came crashing down on you. Barely had time to breathe before another wave hits you.
There are moments, small quiet ones when I feel overwhelmed. I wanted to sit with my friends without constantly checking my phone. When I want a day for myself. But when I bring up needing a space, San just pouts, laughs it off and pulls me closer.
“I just miss you Arin. I like being with you” He whispers while he hugs me. And I just melted in his arms. Giving in. Every time.
Our relationship moves faster, faster than I can understand. He talks about graduation, how we should plan our future. We talked about staying together for a long time. Like promising a forever is easy, that we can do it. Promising with him even though the future feels blurry.
Then, just as suddenly as it started, it shifted.
“Sorry I'm busy.”
“I can’t tonight, I have something to do.”
“I have to go first, Mom's looking for me.”
The messages got shorter. He doesn't wait for me anymore. We're together but I can't feel his presence anymore. When I ask what's wrong, he shrugs. “Nothing. We're good.” He always said, I tried harder. I replied faster, became more attentive.
And then, there's nothing.
His absence echoes in silence.
I remember lying on my bed, phone in my hands, just staring at our messages. I feel my chest hurts, slowly crushing my breath. I've never felt this way before, heavy, confusing, hollow. I look at my replies, trying hard to remember what I said and act, searching for any mistake.
A few days later, my friends told me that he's talking to someone new.
At first I felt nothing, until I saw it with my own eyes. San talking to a girl, smiling widely, his actions careful, like a kid holding his favorite toy. Just like when we were together. That's when it hits me. Slowly, painfully.
Whatever we had didn't mean the same thing to him. Maybe what I called love was never love at all. Maybe it didn't mean anything at all.
-Vrrr
I snapped back to reality when I felt my phone vibrate. I look at the message.
“Arin! Did you get home safely?”
I smiled and replied to my friend. “Yup, just got home.”
I put my phone down and looked at the photo. Love isn't supposed to be overwhelming, burning bright and fast, leaving nothing behind.
I set it aside and reached back into the box. Looking at another photograph.