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Full of nerves, standing in the scorching heat, waiting impatiently for the digital LED display to show his and his friends’ names in the list of bar exam passers is an agony, but the past few years were actual torture. For once in his life, he actually had to work harder than he had already been doing several years before.
He grew up having barely enough. His mom started working overseas when his father died. His mom’s earnings were just enough to support him and his extended family, where he stays at. They are his legal guardians, kind but his presence is not very welcomed. From a young age, he already knew that he was only another mouth to feed, an added responsibility, a burden.
He was a gifted child. Primary and secondary education were a breeze to him. Due to his brains, his bachelor’s degree was obtained without much difficulty either, he was neither excellent nor great, just good enough. But law school was a different kind of beast. A hell he consciously entered. Because everyone thought he could easily do it. He told himself the same thing.
In his first year, adjusting and getting by was fairly difficult. For the second year, different courses have started to show their fangs and he had to study harder, decreasing his sleeping hours.
Right before his third year, his mother was unfairly fired from her work and she had to hide abroad, with her work visa expiring. His mom had to juggle several odd jobs to send money back home. But it was not enough. Far from enough.
Arvin had to make a sacrifice. He is already in his third year, just one more year before graduates. He decided to work while studying. He could do it. He’s adjusted already, and his grades look fairly okay. His third year in law school was spent working minimum wage jobs in the day and law school classes in the night. He became an irregular student. Honestly, he could’ve joined a fraternity or applied for a scholarship…but what could a poor, former gifted child do? He had no connections and wealth, he realized he does not even have the brains he thought he had.
By luck or the lack of it, in his fourth year, he wasn’t accepted at any law-related internships he had applied for, but he got a job at a fancy restaurant, with a slightly above minimum pay grade. Also, a looker of a boss whom he thinks is disgusted by his presence.
Fortunately, he was able to graduate on time, and in a few months, he’d be leaving his job as a server to focus full time on his reviews. The dream he had wanted for so long, so bad, is finally within his reach. He’ll be getting what he wants this time.
As the topnotchers for the bar exams finished flashing, he wiped his sweaty hands on his pants. The nervousness is getting into him. The surnames starting from A are being presented already, and Arvin wishes he had brought a bucket with him as he felt that he would be vomiting from the nerves.
The names were already at As and his stomach is doing somersaults, hoping it would be butterflies in a moment. As each name was displayed, he kept his eyes on the screen waiting for Asuncion, Arvin… but then, it kept on going to surnames starting from At. He cannot find his name.
There is no Asuncion, Arvin on the list. It only means one thing.
He failed.
It was heartbreaking. No, it was more than heartbreaking… he had just seen his world end, right before his eyes.
He looked around him, he was surrounded by his friends from law school. They were all looking back at him, with a sorry expression on their faces. They cannot look away from the LED display for too long, for they, too, were waiting for their names to get flashed on the screen.
Among his friends, he was the only one who didn’t pass. He cannot exactly feel elated for them nor rain on their parade. They had offered their consolations with a pat on his back, a comforting hug, and an apologetic look. It didn’t alleviate the shock and the heartache but it’s better than nothing.
—
The only thing he tremendously wanted vanished in a second. Misery is his only company. Others have said that the bar exams would always be there, he just had to take it again. Easier said than done, though. He cannot even tell his own mom that he failed. Especially not, when he promised that he’ll pass it so that she can go back to her own country, to her home. Fearing disappointment, he doesn’t have the face to tell the truth to her yet.
Desperate times call for desperate measures, and in the past, during his bouts of desperation, there was Ziggy. He’s a strict boss but Arvin felt indebted to him and his fairness. Arvin is unsure whether Ziggy would take him back but he knew he had to go back to that fancy restaurant, to that spoiled, rich, and snobbish boss of his who didn't want to see him again. He doesn’t want to, really, but he needs to. The money he saved up is almost running out, and he cannot exactly ask his mom or his relatives for more.
Just like that day, when he quit his job as a waiter, Ziggy is sweeping the floor.
Arvin went straight to Ziggy, faking his boldness and hiding his embarrassment. “Please, let me get back to work.” His pride has no use anymore. He cannot even pass his bar exams.
After a few seconds, Ziggy replied in an unconcerned manner, “Okay.” and continuously swept the floor, not even sparing a second to look at Arvin.
Arvin should be pleased at Ziggy’s retort but he felt irritated instead.
So, that’s it?
Is his boss not even remotely interested in what had happened to him? It’s a given that his superior was not happy to see him again. But really, it’s not like he’s asking for a warm welcome, but not even a glance?
Arvin’s infuriation grew, not at Ziggy, but at himself. What does he expect from his boss? It’s just the way he is. It’s the way things are. Arvin is just another cog in the machine, easily replaced, forgettable, and not even worth a glance from his boss.
Maybe… just a glance from Ziggy.
That day went on as usual, as if he didn’t really quit from this job. The only difference was that the hope that Arvin carried before was replaced with sorrow, eating him away, agonizingly slow.
As his shift neared to an end, his steps grew heavier. He doesn’t really want to go back to his house. He doesn’t know what he’d do to himself if he stayed alone tonight. At least, this pompous restaurant keeps his spiralling thoughts away.
Arvin stayed at the back of the restaurant after putting the trash away. He cannot really delay the news of his failure from his family anymore.
Starting with a deep breath, Arvin braved calling his family one by one.
At first, he tried to keep his composure. “I failed the exam.”
His voice broke, and his eyes felt a sting. “I’m sorry. I really—.” He choked as he tried to stop the tears from dropping,“…tried my best.”
His tears rolled down his cheeks, remembering his law school days. The sleepless nights, terrifying recits, unforgiving professors, the exhaustion… and the constant reminder that everything he’s done, his best, is not enough, far from it.
Arvin tried to wipe his tears but they kept falling. He thought he had already cried enough the last time but here he is again… wallowing in the sadness of his situation. He kept on crying, trying his best to silence his sobs, with his knees giving out.
He didn't know how long he had been crying when he saw familiar shoes in front of him. Arvin looked up, with tears still streaming down his face, at his boss’s blurry figure.
It’s embarrassing enough to be seen crying, but to be discovered by his boss, no less, is downright humiliating.
Arvin quickly stood up as he wiped his tears using the sleeves of his shirt. His boss is taller than him, and when Ziggy’s at this close distance, the palpable difference between them gets more painstakingly real.
Ziggy, who doesn’t have to work as hard as Arvin, who has everything handed down to him on a platter, is looking down at him. For once, he wanted a win, to get something he wants.
The tears have stopped falling, and the expression on Ziggy’s face became clearer. His eyebrows were furrowed, his eyes were glistening, and he’s looking at him softly…? Was it sympathy? Is Ziggy actually worried about him?
Arvin could only look back up at Ziggy. Waiting for him to say something, anything. He looked back down at his feet. He really cannot win against Ziggy. Arvin whispered hopelessly, “Please…” say that it’ll be okay. He badly needed to hear those words, especially from his boss’s confident tone.
With a tender smile, Ziggy wished genuinely for Arvin, “It’ll be okay.”, accompanied by the comforting squeeze on his employee’s shoulder.
Maybe the sadness got too much for Arvin but his remaining sanity went down the drain, as he stood on his toes, wrapped his arms around Ziggy’s neck, and crashed his lips to his boss’s. Maybe because it was Ziggy’s lips that uttered the words he had most wanted to hear.
Maybe because the misery got the best of him and he doesn’t want to be alone tonight. Arvin came back to his senses. He had pushed Ziggy away from him. Arvin looked away from Ziggy and he started to stutter. “I, uh, I’m…” He doesn’t want to apologize. He doesn’t exactly regret what he did.
Arvin notices that Ziggy is closing their distance again. He looked at Ziggy’s face, trying to decipher what exactly his expression was trying to say. There is no hint of disgust. Rather, Ziggy is looking at him with a painful expression, an evidence of desperation. Ziggy continued to close their distance and Arvin let him. Accepting whatever Ziggy will give him.
Their gap between them continued to close. Ziggy reached out his hand and touched Arvin’s tear-stricken face, gently wiping his leftover tears. Ziggy closed his eyes as he leaned closer to Arvin’s face and gently claimed his mouth.
Arvin did not resist. He let himself feel the touch of Ziggy’s lips. The longing, tender caress of Ziggy’s lips on his own felt soft, warm, and full. Arvin put his arms around Ziggy with one of his hands gently stroking the back of Ziggy’s head, as his fingers slowly got tangled in Ziggy’s hair. Ziggy snaked his arm on Arvin’s waist as he pulled Arvin closer to his body, and Arvin felt the heat emanating from Ziggy as he kissed his boss back with fervor, pleading with hopelessness.
Maybe this is what he had wanted to do all this time.
“Mhm…” soft sighs can be heard from both of them as they nibbled each other’s lips.
Arvin started to feel light-headed and he had to hold onto Ziggy’s arms to stop himself from falling. He was the one who pulled back first. “Please stay.” Arvin whispered in Ziggy’s mouth.
Ziggy replied with the most fitting answer, another kiss. This time, he softly bit Arvin’s bottom lip. Arvin opened his mouth as he welcomed Ziggy’s tongue. It was wet and hot. It was long and he felt good. Ziggy put his hands around Arvin’s neck and pulled him closer, wanting to taste the deepest part of his mouth. Ziggy’s tongue caressed him and Arvin mirrored his boss’s actions. Ziggy sucked on Arvin’s tongue causing Arvin to moan softly through their kiss, feeling pleasure he had never felt before. Their tongues wrestled one another while excess saliva fell down on Arvin’s chin.
Ziggy pulled back, both of them catching their breaths. Cupping Arvin’s face in his hands, “You are worth more than what you think.” Ziggy whispered to him in earnest.
His great, snobbish boss saying these reassuring words, Arvin cannot even dream of this moment. He took Ziggy’s words to his heart, a hope starting to bud, a spark to believe in himself again.
Ziggy starts again, “You’re a good kisser.” He raised his eyebrows and continued with an inkling of jealousy, “Have you ever kissed anyone before?”
Feeling cheeky, Arvin retorted with a smile, “And if I did?”
Ziggy touched Arvin’s chin and scanned Arvin's entire face. In a commanding tone, he declared, “I’m the only one allowed to touch that lips of yours.”
“...Then let me please you.” Arvin started to kneel in front of Ziggy, lightly touching the bulge in his pants.