Chapter Text
Chapter one
Just pick up the phone. That's all it took, one brief phone call and everything would fall back into place.. right? Mike picked at the skin by his thumbnail, hunched over the phone his eyes glazed as his stared at the faded numbers. Just pick it up. But he couldn't, he couldn't because he knew what it would mean. That after two years he was still the same shell of grief that needed pity, just as he was before. Sure he had come to terms with the fact that his childlike dream was purely that. A dream. El was dead, and she had been for years. Even before that shared moment they had when he begged her to stay. The truth was Els life ended the day she opened the gate. From that very moment her destiny was set in place. "It's how it had to be" Mike would tell himself as he lie staring at his apartment ceiling, not sleeping but not exactly awake. Just staring, breathing.
Deep hours into the night he wondered what it would have been like, if he had just shoved a little harder, ran a little faster. If he took his place beside El, all his pain he felt could be gone . He could be gone. It was an age old feeling, the same one he felt when El had saved him on that cliff, wondering if maybe she hadn't been there, maybe everything would be better. He hated himself for feeling this way. He was the one who survived, the one who was given a waterfall ending, and yet he spent it wishing that he had been the one taken. The one who's body was nowhere to be found, constantly floating upon nothingness. He often replayed her final moments, wishing he could have just told her he loved her but he knew it now and knew it then. That his final words to her couldn't be a lie. He knew the reason he couldn't say it, it was the same damn reason he couldn't pick up the phone.
But he wouldn't have to, not on his own account anyway because through the silence of his barren apartment the phone had been ringing, a piercing sound that made Mike wince as he came back to reality. He had no idea how long it had been ringing but when he heard an angry
"Jesus Mike finally"
come from Nancy's voice he assumed it had been for a while.
"Uh what" he managed to say
" I said when are you coming home, moms been on my ass all day"
"Oh um soon, tomorrow I think " Mike breathed looking down at his now blood soaked finger that he had picked raw
"Well hurry, and don't forget gifts this year I'm tired of covering for you"
And with that Nancy hung up, leaving Mike with the receiver in hand suddenly feeling heavy.
Shit. He thought, remembering only now that it was Christmas next week and not only did he have no gifts but no idea what to get. He had always struggled with that, thinking about what his boring parents could possibly want. The thought slipped faster than it came.. "maybe Will would-" no. He can't feel that way. He moved on, Mike was sure of it. Will said it himself, it was just a crush.. one that wouldn't last two years of being apart.
And so with this thought in mind Mike threw his warmest clothes in his bag, slipped into pajamas and brushed his teeth, careful not to peer into the mirror where he would see a stranger. One with deep blue circles under his eyes, hair longer than when he left Hawkins, less dignified his father would call it. His features still the same but somehow sharper, slimmer from the months when things were the worst. The ones where he wouldn't get out of bed, not even to write. He would eat simply to exist, and stare mindlessly at the television just as he saw his father do in all his years of growing up. When he still lived at home it worried his mother sick. She would cook him his favorite meals but nothing helped, the few bites that he could stomach didn't taste like anything and the warmth of the food in his empty stomach made him feel sick. He felt babied by his mother and so he had to get away, away from Hawkins and all the corners that hold the memories: his basement, the school, and most of all hops cabin.
The first Christmas was the hardest, Mike was stuck in Hawkins so Lucas and Max came home to see him but Dustin was too busy, "researching to change the world" he would say. But it wasn't the same. No one was there. Will wasn't there. Mike hated how jealous it made him, knowing that Will was likely in New York with a guy who wasn't Mike. And he hated him for it, hated that his friend, no best friend wasn't there for Christmas like he always was, Will of all people.
But he couldn't hate him, he never could because deep down there was always something stronger than hate. The feeling that he didn't dare speak with El, Nancy or hell even his own mother. What he felt for Will was different. Unheard of. And that. That is what started the dreams. Or rather nightmares. The ones that would steal his sleep forcing him to wake up in a cold sweat forgetting what had been real. His mind was relentless making him dream anything from Will bleeding in Mikes arms helpless, to Mike being the one bleeding calling out for Will like a lifeline. They haunted him for a year and nothing helped, and so he would just lie awake at night hoping for a chance of even a few hours of sleep.
He wasn't sure when it happened, but at some point Mike had drifted off to sleep only to be woken to the soft glow of pale morning sunlight drifting through his bedroom window, casting trickles of light on the floor. He rolled over checking his alarm clock which read 7:12am in bold red letters, he groaned as he rubbed sleep from his eyes. Placing his feet against the floor, the cold seeping through his socks causing him to shiver as he walked to the kitchen, putting on a pot of coffee. The only way he would ever get through this day. He poured the warm liquid into a mug, letting the warmth seep through into his cold tired hands. The steam danced as he tuned the radio allowing for the broadcast to waft through the house as he prepared to leave. Lightly combing through his waved hair, pulling on a sweater and shoes before leaving, bag in hand.
Mike didn't particularly care for his neighbors but he knew he'd miss their presence, or lack thereof for the next week of a warm bustling house full of family which awaited him in Hawkins. Mikes personal hell.