Chapter Text
As usual, Madotsuki woke up.
The musky smell of her bedsheets greeted her, like it did every time she woke up. They felt distant more recently. She rolled out of bed, and sat slumped on the floor.
It was dawn. The light burst through a small crack in her curtains, and Madotsuki groaned.
That was immediately a mistake. The morning sun had blinded her nearly instantly. She squinted and breathed in the cold, crisp air. Birds chirping and the quiet sound of the breeze. It was almost peaceful.
Along with it, the sounds of the city slowly waking up could be distantly heard. The city, in all of its populated glory, full of people. Society, functioning, full of the people who she used to go to school with-
Madotsuki shivered and shook her head. Maybe that was enough outside time for today. She retreated back into the warm, familiar apartment, and pulled the curtains firmly closed. She initially wrinkled her nose at the smell –a whiff of fresh air did nightmares to the familiar comfort of her room– before finally feeling like she could breathe again. Do anything again without eyes on her.
Over the few months she’d been living here, it hadn’t changed. The exit door would remain firmly closed. The temperature was set as high as it could go, pillows strewn all over, a bookshelf full of things she would never read again, a television connected to a Famicom console, her desk and her chair and her lamp and her diary.
Her dream diary. She had started to dream of a strange new world, full of things to explore. There was so much there, and nothing left in the real world for her. Her dreams were full.
She followed her familiar routine when going to bed. Fluff the pillow, take off her shoes, and roll herself in the blankets until she looks like a lump in the mattress. It felt safe and warm. Inside her blanket roll, Madotsuki fell into a deep slumber.
Today, Madotsuki dreamed again.
In the center of the balcony, she phased into existence. She looked over the railing into the sky. There was no longing to be found when looking down into the void. She walked back into her room and stood in front of the door. No fear. She was back.
The door swung open and she stepped out into the Nexus. A circle of floating doors grabbed her attention in the dark floating void. Humanoid figures, vaguely resembling the ones on her rug in the real world, were laid just below her feet. She could not touch them, and they did not speak. It was quiet in the Nexus.
Today, the indigo door called to her.
Opening it once again, a snowy landscape was revealed to her. There was still more she could find.
Madotsuki walked, feet crunching in the snow. No tracks would be left. No matter how harsh the blizzard, her fingers would never freeze into swollen lumps. The documentaries always showed explorers with swollen fingers and noses, or black stubs where the parts were supposed to be. What would that feel like? Madotsuki would never know. There was no point in sitting in the snow. An infinity of boredom is nothing at all.
It didn’t take long to find out that each world only had so much space to it. This one in particular. It was like walking on a globe. Infinite movement, finite space. It was always hard to tell when the world was repeating. Sometimes it was a pattern of trees, sometimes it was a small bit of shrubbery from the solid ground. Madotsuki could walk forever in a loop, but then there would be nothing there.
Normally, there were only trees and endless planes of snow. Maybe she was looking in the wrong places. This time, there was an igloo. New. A tori-ningen as well. Not new. These ones seemed to be harmless. Although, harmless didn’t mean they would stop staring. The tori-ningen moved in predictable patterns. There was nothing to be scared of. But…
Madotsuki thought about the knife. It appeared in her hand. Its grip was comforting. The tori-ningen backed away. It would stay away. She kept the knife out for good measure.
Madotsuki walked around the igloo for a few moments. She traced its shape with her empty hand. It felt like the frost at the back of the freezer. It, like everything else in these dream worlds, refused to break.
After a slight moment, she stepped inside to find nothing. It was empty. The walls were spotless. The floor had no discoloration, no dents, no nothing. Maybe it was a good sign. She left. It was too cold to feel comfortable.
The tori-ningen was in its original place when Madotsuki exited the igloo. It ran away quickly. She ignored it. Not like anything of interest was here.
One foot in front of the other, Madotsuki stepped out into the snowy tundra. The faint sound of chiming bells echoed from some unknown place. Maybe one day she’d find the source of them. She walked and walked and walked. In the real world, her legs would’ve given out by now.
There were many trees around. Cune-firous? Madotsuki couldn’t remember, and quite frankly didn’t care. Not like she was ever going to have a quiz on the proper spelling of a tree again. They all looked identical. Every bump, every ridge and groove were all the same. Madotsuki couldn’t look at them for too long. The monotony of the world around her started to bleed into every step. Her fingers twitched.
A small movement caught her from the corner of her eye. A tiny little girl, with no face, pale white skin, dark hair, and a blue kimono, wandering around in the snow. A true yuki-onna. Madotsuki walked towards the yuki-onna like a woman possessed. She tapped the smaller girl on the shoulder. And once the blank faced girl turned towards her, Madotsuki heard a small ding. Something about her had fundamentally changed. The yuki-onna walked away.
Instinctively, Madotsuki thought of snow. She thought of snowflakes falling on her skin. She thought of leaving footsteps in the snow, being bundled up like a sleeping bag, holding hands with her mother as they walked together. And when she opened her eyes, she was wearing a blue kimono. She had black hair, done loose, snow white skin, and red eyes. She, too, was now a yuki-onna. The snowy winds seemed to bellow and howl to her will, snow falling rapidly.
Every step she took became more delicate, more graceful. Her kimono was heavy and dragged on the ground, every breath she took only made her colder and colder.
But that was enough for now. Madotsuki closed her eyes and thought of her apartment. The balcony on top of a building so high she couldn’t see the bottom. The door she couldn’t go out of. And just like that it was her again. Brown, braided hair, thick pink sweater with a maroon skirt, stockings, and bright red shoes.
Madotsuki kept exploring.
There was another group of igloos close by. 5 igloos, exactly the same as the first. The first igloo had nothing. The second igloo had nothing. The third had a little girl. Sound asleep. Madotsuki sat in front of her.
The girl wouldn’t wake up, no matter what Madotsuki would do. No amount of jostling, speaking, yelling, or scratching would wake her. Was she also dreaming? Was she like Madotsuki, searching for something more in the depths of her subconscious?
It felt silly to feel so much connection with a random girl. Especially a random girl in a snowy world, sleeping. There was a bit of drool on the girl’s cheek. The rise and fall of her chest seemed almost hypnotic. It had been a while since Madotsuki had ever seen another person breathe before. Strange.
They sat there for a few moments. It was good her eyes were closed. The girl looked too human as it was and even if she was tiny tinier humans had done far worse to Madostuki she felt too tiny at the moment and oh was the girl laughing at her laughing likesomanyothersmadotsukisittinginclasseveryonepointingeveryonelaughingmopwaterpouredoverherheadmakeitstopmakeitSTOP-
A gut wrenching scream pierced through the air. Madotsuki looked at the girl. The girl looked the same, like she hadn’t just screamed at the top of her lungs.
Madotsuki tried to back away, but felt some resistance. Then she saw it. The knife–her knife plunged into the girl’s neck. Before her body could catch up with her mind, she pulled the knife out. There was a splatter of something before the liquid vanished and then the girl started to slowly fade out of existence as well, like an illusion. Madotsuki fell back.
The knife was still in her hand. She just stabbed someone. Or did she?
There was no body. No blood stains. Nothing could link her back to the death, she just needed to stay calm and exit the igloo like nothing happened, lay low till she got back to the apartment and then everything would be perfectly fine.
Madotsuki walked out of the igloo, knife willed out of existence. No one. The snow drifted on, not a soul in sight. The identical trees could be seen in the distance, maybe a shrub or two but nothing. Everything would be alright. There was still more to explore. Just one look. Just one look and it would settle this. The girl would be gone like she never existed because what girl there was never a girl there-
She had to check. Madotsuki popped her head back into the igloo. There should’ve been nothing inside it. Except, there she was. The little girl, still sleeping sweet, unaware of the world and her death. Madotsuki stared her down. She felt real. There was something-somebody in front of her. It wasn’t possible-it couldn’t be possible. Madotsuki had seen the girl fade out of existence right in front of her how could-
Oh. Right. This was Madotsuki’s dream. An eternal landscape built from the depths of her subconscious where she and she alone had free roam. This was just another character in her dream. It was silly to think that she could harm her.
Madotsuki learned something new. Everything would reset after she had her fill. And right now, there was nothing left in this igloo. Nothing could harm her or cause her pain. That time was just a fluke. That character would sleep for eternity in her dream. Nothing left to do here.
Madotsuki left the igloo. She stepped into another. This one was yet again, not empty. A small pink pond cast a slight glow in the igloo’s interior. The sound of splashing water echoed off the snow walls. There were no bell sounds here. A new area. Something new to explore.
Madotsuki knelt near the water. It felt warm, almost like a bath. She placed her hand on the water, and was sucked into the pond, away from the snow, away from the igloos and toriningen.